Musing the Fifty-Fifth
So I'm at work and working on the five hundred feedback packages I have to send- and by the way, that's not much of an exaggeration- and bored. So I'm on Googletalk chatting with Rose and rereading old funny emails from my dorm head and such... and what do I find but THE WORD OF GOD. Otherwise known as 101 Things NOT To Do To Your Prenewb.
Now.
It's very, very fabulous. And deserves to be remembered forever.
But that is not a function that an inbox serves. That is a function a journal serves.
Therefore...
Before I forget the explanations...
I'm gonna go through it. With explanations.
MWAHAHAHA.
101 things NOT to do to/with your PreN00b:
1) Do not refer to your prenewb as ‘it’.
2) Do not show it Kitt.
Kitt is a building that contains three dorms. It is the GHETTO. Seriously. It's awful.
3) Do not bring up the topic of ‘Freshman Aquatic Ceremonies’.
He's either referring to ponding (to pond v.- to throw annoying newbs in the pond) or to the tendency of newb girls to go skinny dipping by the dam.
4) Repeat: there is NOT a missile silo in the Moore basement.
Moore is the math building. That has a missle silo in the basement.
5) Do not reference it as “last week’s allowance worth”
6) Do NOT show it Fitz.
Fitz...was an interesting kid. He got kicked out halfway through his sophomore year for making an 'inappropriate' -cough- movie with his underage girlfriend and sharing it across the school network. He was Chris' roommate freshman year, which was SOOOO disturbing. He was a terror, thus his status as number 6. He has now converted to Islam and is a much better person, though I sense he's a little obsessed and is likely to start advocating the dissolution of Israel.
7) For the love of god, do not ask it about his political views.
8) Do not, upon seeing that it is bigger than you, trade prenewbs with Mark Crocker.
Mark Crocker is HUGE. 6'2" and one of the top 8 crew rowers at the school and went to Henley to row and got recruited for Harvard for crew and...you get the picture.
9) Do not trade prenewbs period, unless you have Paypal® and are a certified eBay reseller.
10) Do not attempt to explain why Arthur has a big single.
Arthur's roommate was Alex O., who went psycho a month into freshman year and tried to attack Arthur with a knife. Not a story for the prenewbs xD
11) Do not spontaneously burst out into song, particularly not ‘Move Bitch, Get Out Da Way’ by Ludacris or absolutely anything by Tenacious D.
12) Do not, if you discover it to come from a sheltered, protected background, introduce it to Leigh without a chastity belt.
Leigh, freshman year, could turn ANYTHING into a dirty joke. And I mean anything. And it started rubbing off on us, and we blamed her, and thus the necessity of chastity belts.
13) Do not introduce it to Mr. Morgan.
Mr. Morgan was my Latin teacher freshman year. He is fully capable of spending an entire hour discussing the grammar of a single sentence. I did not know it was possible to be unable to stay awake until I entered his class. He's also about 75, has been at the school since my dad was there, and can still outrun everyone on both cross country teams. Plus he's the head of the Discipline Committee. He enjoys getting people in trouble, giving out pop quizes, whatever- if he's smiling, you are in troooouble.
14) Do not bring up the topic of Nordic skiing, ITG, Dirty Texans, Schoolhouse Bagels, or anything rantable in both Danco and the Prenewb’s presence.
Dude, Danco used to write these AWESOME rants that were like three pages long about anything and everything. Most notably, the subjects mentioned above. But getting him started outside a word processor... that could take a whiiiile xD
15) Do not return it to Mr. Bohan complaining of ‘defects’.
Mr. Bohan being head of admissions
16) Do NOT, after being yelled at by Mr. Bohan, take it to ITG.
ITG can't fix things. Not even computers, much less a prenewb. Thus was the subject of the aforementioned rant about ITG.
17) Do not refer to your prenewb as ‘Foz lunch’
Foz was AWESOME. This little man with a weird goatee who left after my freshman year, he had about 3,000 scifi/fantasy books, a medieval armoury and a life dream of joining the FBI. Coolest guy ever.
18) Do not, if your prenewb speaks French, take him to Mrs. Clunie’s class.
Ms. Clunie's classes are notable for such quotes as "So this one time when I was in Paris with Mr Clunie- we weren't married yet, but we were sleeping together-"
19) Do not discuss Club Squash, we’ve got enough people doing that already, thank you very much.
Club Squash was in the winter at that point, taking up court time, stealing hockey players and generally driving all four squash teams and all four hockey teams completely insane. It's since been moved to spring, has stolen Devin and Nobu from track and thus from me, and has incurred my undying hatred.
20) Do not ‘occupy’ your prenewb in your free time by sending it to Ellen’s room with the instructions ‘ask about Rob’.
Ellen was dating Rob freshman year. They broke up at the end cause he's bisexual and totally crazy- though apparently Ellen's bi too, so whatever- and the actual reason, it just wasn't working out. But while it DID, the "rob story" came in many versions. The shortest was between 20 and 30 minutes, and the full version took over 2 hours.
21) Do not ‘occupy’ your prenewb in your free time by sending it to Big Guy with the instructions ‘How big you like your women?’
Big Guy's a bit creepy. He goes to all the school dances and just dances by himself in a corner, has about three teeth, and is the only school staff member who still lives on campus. And is creepy. Did I mention that? Very creepy. I've never been treated to the 'big women' lecture, but oooh have I heard stories.
22) Do not, if your prenewb is under 5 feet, explain to it that “we already have a Peter, and we had two for a while, so if you don’t mind, Andover is a great school too.”
Peter was about 5'1" freshman year, and Alex O- remember knife boy?- was even shorter. He's grown since, but Danco and his dormmates teased Peter mercilessly. And then me, when we scored... enh, not thinking about it.
23) Do not attempt to verse your prenewb in AoE in the precious few hours you have with it.
Danco's dorm had 10-hour Age of Empires tournaments every weekend, until Danco and Grant got too good sophomore year and the others just gave up.
24) Do not acquaint your prenewb with the basement of Mem Hall.
It's sketchy and dirty and completely graffitied and generally scary. Although the New Space makes for AWESOME dances. Unless a weird rapper from MTV comes like he did last Saturday and sings terrible, terrible songs... yes, I'm bitter. Hush.
25) Do not pond your prenewb. Come on, guys. If you really must, get someone else to pond it.
26) DO NOT tempt your prenewb with cookies, sweets, and cake if it has given them up for lent.
Danco gave up the stated items for Lent. We offered them to him with innocent smiles minimum twice a day. Ain't we nice?
27) Do not explain to your prenewb what ‘The T Tones’ stands for.
The all-male a cappella group, containing uniformly gorgeous males, is called the Testostertones. Thus the nickname.
28) Do not name everyone you see passing by in the middle of the day, and make up names for those you don’t know.
29) Do not forget to tip your prenewb after dinner, if you use it as a waiter for you and all your friends.
Newbs are expected to be waiters for upper formers. Thus, it should hold that prenewbs are waiters for newbs, right?
30) Do not let your prenewb get caught by Dr. Reider under a blanket with Arthur rolling around while a panel of judges looks on.
Yes, this really happened to Danco. Except the panel of judges was a semi-circle of me and my friends, and the lights were out. Danco was in the top bunk, Arthur was curled in a blanket on the floor, Nachbaur tugged on Danco's blanket and Danco fell off, onto Peter, then got tangled in Arthur's blanket while we watched and laughed hysterically. Then the advisor, Dr Reider, walked in... poor kid. We teased him forever, 'specially cause Arthur was called Smelly Arthur at the time.
31) Do not, after meeting your prenewb for the first time, try and think of possible Theme Songs for it.
Danco made a powerpoint about his SPS friends with theme songs for each of us. No, I don't know why.
32) Do NOT use Cosmopolitan Virtual Makeover on your prenewb.
33) Do not even show your prenewb any Cosmo Virtual Makeover-generated portraits of Danco, or anyone else.
Cosmo Virtual Makeover is a program that allows you to doctor photos with makeup, jewelry, hats, etc then place said photos on a Cosmo cover. We used said tool on Danco, twice, and then on Peter. They were less than pleased.
34) Do not get your prenewb addicted to a diet of Ramen Noodles and Pepsi already.
Perot's Hugh Camp Cup speech freshman year, which won first place for the school, was about a variety of things he discovered upon arrival. One such discovery was the ability of a student to exist on a diet of ramen and pepsi, even if crushed ramen is extremely hard to remove from the carpet.
35) Do not feed your prenewb to Colin Ahearn.
Colin Ahearn is enormous. Football player, 6'1" and probably close to 300 pounds. He's just HUGE. And could probably eat a prenewb if he wanted to. He was also Arthur's pot source for a while, up till Arthur got caught smoking in Scotland on a theatre trip that is.
36) Do not, if your prenewb is a New York Yankees fan, discuss baseball.
Our rector was a Yankees fan. Our vice-rector was a Red Sox fan. Ah, the battles that ensued. Danco, as you can probably guess, was a Sox fan.
37) Do not refer to SPS as ‘Hogwarts Lite’.
And yet my entire family does anyway. And we call the rector Dumbledore.
38) Do not refer to your prenewb as Minime.
39) Do not acquaint your prenewb with ‘The Spot that Never Freezes’.
This spot is in the center of the pond system. It really doesn't ever freeze. The standing theory is that the steam plant dumps so much pollution into the stream that the pond can't freeze in the center, but I think the pond's just very large and the winters haven't been that cold.
40) Do not ever discuss the boys football team.
They're terrible. TERRIBLE. They've won maybe... twice in three years. Even after they started recruiting. TERRIBLE.
41) Do not, if you’ve forgotten its name, refer to it as “It who must not be named”
42) Do not let your prenewb learn ANYTHING. AT ALL.
43) Do not attack your prenewb with homemade torture devices.
44) Do not set up a ‘Prenewb stock’
45) Do not play ultimate Frisbee…with it in the role of ‘frisbee’.
46) Do not use your E&R bag as a makeshift prenewb transporter.
E&R is the laundry service. The bags are bright yellow, kind of square, and most certainly not large enough for a prenewb.
47) Do not feed your prenewb to Callahan’s Bear.
Callahan has a HUGE dog named Millie. She's shaggy and enormous and thus is The Bear. She has a tendency to lie spreadeagle on the common room floor right in front of the door and act as our carpet, and is possible the least vicious thing alive (unless you count her ceaseless drooling).
48) Do not let your prenewb get lost in the scorner.
Danco and his roommate had a little nook behind their bunk bed about as wide as a person that you could only see if you came in the door, walked all the way across the room, then turned around. Grace and Grant found many uses for it, thus its title of Score-ner.
49) Do not greet it’s parents with ‘Big up youself’.
...I have NO idea.
50) Do NOT let your prenewb witness any one section, portion or piece, pertaining to or related to Ali G or South Park.
51) Or Super Puyo Puyo II remix.
52) Do not allow it to collect dust regularly.
53) Do not introduce it to Garzo without proper ear protection.
Garzo was an audio/visual geek. Filmed things for kicks, etc. His speakers were if possible even louder than Danco's, which is saying something- Danco makes the windows flex at half volume.
54) Do not bring your prenewb to Dr. Carol with imaginary injuries.
55) Do not explain the meaning of shovel to it.
One of Danco's dormmates was Tommy. Most beautiful boy alive, my sister saw him naked... moving on past my jealousy. He was dating a girl named Tessa. They nicknamed her Shovel. A long and completely inappropriate story is involved I never quite knew all of.
56) Do not assign your prenewb a prenewb to look after.
57) Do not classify your prenewb with a UPC code.
58) Do not refer to your it as ‘hot’.
59) Do not initiate your prenewb to the fight club.
60) Do not talk about fight club.
61) Do not refer to it as “It ain’t a real word, it’s short for ‘in’t it’. Don’t be Hispanic”
62) Do not, if your prenewb is awesome, refer to it as ‘The one it… to RULE them ALL’.
63) Do not allow your prenewb access to Kehaya.
Kehaya was donated recently, and is GORGEOUS. Girl's dorm with absolutely gigantic rooms, and one bathroom & shower per two rooms. Nickname of the Palace. It's just beautiful like that.
64) Do not forget to return your prenewb’s limbs after borrowing.
65) Do not forget to hire a sheepdog.
66) Do not tolerate unauthorized It Streaking.
67) Do not use ‘Say Hello to my LITTLE FRIEND’ as a prenewb introduction.
68) Do not ‘order it from Zanzobar’ (yeah, yeah, I know what your dirty minds are thinking)
F*** Her Gently was our hockey pumpup song. Sad. But true.
69) Do not panic if you lose it. It will find you eventually, and if not, it wasn’t smart enough to go here in the first place.
70) Do not donate your prenewbs to Mish.
Mish is the community service organizition, and also the name of the store it runs that sells everything for $1. Anything left around the dorm or lost or whatever is sent to Mish.
71) Do not show it the gym. If it asks you about it, it is unworthy.
We were in the process of building our gym, which is now done and which is awesomeness incarnate. But Danco kept getting asked about it during admission tours, and it gets reeeally tiring. Plus, we're not all that athletic anyway. We have the insane athletes, but the school is not inherently athletic.
72) Do not put your prenewb in a bathtub with a toaster.
73) Do not do that either, you sick freak.
74) Do NOT, repeat do NOT, show them Chapter 16 of French In Action.
That would be the chapter about sex, if I remember correctly. Or maybe a porn star?
75) Do not forget- if he comes to SPS, you get a free t-shirt.
'Tis true. They bribe us to be nice. Sad, huh?
76) Do not combine the words ‘Free’ and ‘Hat’ in the same phrase.
77) Do NOT let your prenewb see Danco’s common block notes.
They don't count as notes. They're called the Common Block Anthology and consist of little scribbles of the story of the murder of Danco in my dorm hallway and the painstaking process of solving the mystery with Sour Patch Kid wrappers.
78) Do not keep your prenewb’s underwear as a souvenir.
79) Do not refer to yourself as ‘the matador’ and him as… you know.
80) Do not forget, it’s all make-believe.
81) Do not forget, your prenewb is most likely an Agent from the matrix.
82) Do not play Pin the Tail on the Prenewb.
83) Do not teach your prenewb all your lame Pirate jokes, just in case he comes here next year.
There were lots. And lots. And LOTS. Of lame pirate jokes.
84) Do not pretend to be a prenewb.
It happened, believe me.
85) Do not pretend Peter is a prenewb.
A common misconception, sadly.
86) Do not rename your prenewb.
87) Do not refer to Kitt as ‘The Greater Nash Vicinity’
The Kitt dorms are right next to the dorm Nash, which is infinitely nicer. Thus, Kitt was only worth anything in respect to being near Nash.
88) Do not tell Ellen your prenewb is in need of nursing care.
Ellen was our mother. If we got sick, she'd put us in bed and feed us cough drops and hot tea. Danco even got her a mother's day card. But they DID fear her descending upon them come sickness.
89) Do not use your prenewb as a musical instrument, or as a viola.
Danco does not consider violas to be an intstrument. A longstanding battle.
90) Do not tell Manville House that your prenewb talked smack about them.
Manville is the dorm with the largest hockey players in school. They're also the nicest hockey players in school- the mean ones are in Simpson- but hey, who cares about that? ^_^
91) Do not prepond your prenewb.
92) Do not return your prenewb to its parents with an apple in its mouth.
93) Do not introduce ‘Booyakasha’ into the prenewb’s vocabulary.
94) Do not take your prenewb’s lunch money, unless you explain to him clearly ‘I’ll give it to the Upper Staff myself’.
Upper is the cafeteria. Doi.
95) Do not play bloody knuckles with your roommate unless you have witnesses.
No one EVER believed Danco or Grant about who won bloody knuckles. No matter who they said won. Besides, Danco would have bloody knuckles anyway from one thing or another. Accident prone boy that he is.
96) Do not mail your prenewb to Concord High if disliked.
Concord High is the local public school. We disdain them, especially since we can beat them at most sports except track (and then only cause they outnumber us 9:2)
97) Do not teach your prenewb how to walk like a girl, even if it asks.
Danco was Ruth in his dorm play of Pirates of Penzance his third form year (all guys dorm stuck the prepubescent boys with the higher singing parts). So his seniors -encouraged- him to ask us to teach him to walk like a girl. We had a fabulous time and put him in high heels. He's still bitter O:-)
98) Do not kill Danco IF it asks.
99) Do not forget to provide it with a highchair if the wooden upper chairs prove too much of a hassle.
Our dining hall chairs ARE pretty low, I gotta say.
100) Do not let your prenewb find this list.
101) Do not pass go, do not collect $200.
Terrifying, I know. AND YET SO FUNNY.
Oh, and a random note: Andy, Mr. I'm-In-Charge-Of-Paying-You, came over earlier and asked for my driver's license. I kinda looked at him wide eyed and went, "Well, you can have my PERMIT..." and he turned three shades of red, mumbled something about forgetting my age and asked for another form of photo ID.
I LOVE doing that to people.
Ok, that's all for now, I really should get back to those 500 packages. Well, now I'm down to about 450/475, but whatevs.
Now.
It's very, very fabulous. And deserves to be remembered forever.
But that is not a function that an inbox serves. That is a function a journal serves.
Therefore...
Before I forget the explanations...
I'm gonna go through it. With explanations.
MWAHAHAHA.
101 things NOT to do to/with your PreN00b:
1) Do not refer to your prenewb as ‘it’.
2) Do not show it Kitt.
Kitt is a building that contains three dorms. It is the GHETTO. Seriously. It's awful.
3) Do not bring up the topic of ‘Freshman Aquatic Ceremonies’.
He's either referring to ponding (to pond v.- to throw annoying newbs in the pond) or to the tendency of newb girls to go skinny dipping by the dam.
4) Repeat: there is NOT a missile silo in the Moore basement.
Moore is the math building. That has a missle silo in the basement.
5) Do not reference it as “last week’s allowance worth”
6) Do NOT show it Fitz.
Fitz...was an interesting kid. He got kicked out halfway through his sophomore year for making an 'inappropriate' -cough- movie with his underage girlfriend and sharing it across the school network. He was Chris' roommate freshman year, which was SOOOO disturbing. He was a terror, thus his status as number 6. He has now converted to Islam and is a much better person, though I sense he's a little obsessed and is likely to start advocating the dissolution of Israel.
7) For the love of god, do not ask it about his political views.
8) Do not, upon seeing that it is bigger than you, trade prenewbs with Mark Crocker.
Mark Crocker is HUGE. 6'2" and one of the top 8 crew rowers at the school and went to Henley to row and got recruited for Harvard for crew and...you get the picture.
9) Do not trade prenewbs period, unless you have Paypal® and are a certified eBay reseller.
10) Do not attempt to explain why Arthur has a big single.
Arthur's roommate was Alex O., who went psycho a month into freshman year and tried to attack Arthur with a knife. Not a story for the prenewbs xD
11) Do not spontaneously burst out into song, particularly not ‘Move Bitch, Get Out Da Way’ by Ludacris or absolutely anything by Tenacious D.
12) Do not, if you discover it to come from a sheltered, protected background, introduce it to Leigh without a chastity belt.
Leigh, freshman year, could turn ANYTHING into a dirty joke. And I mean anything. And it started rubbing off on us, and we blamed her, and thus the necessity of chastity belts.
13) Do not introduce it to Mr. Morgan.
Mr. Morgan was my Latin teacher freshman year. He is fully capable of spending an entire hour discussing the grammar of a single sentence. I did not know it was possible to be unable to stay awake until I entered his class. He's also about 75, has been at the school since my dad was there, and can still outrun everyone on both cross country teams. Plus he's the head of the Discipline Committee. He enjoys getting people in trouble, giving out pop quizes, whatever- if he's smiling, you are in troooouble.
14) Do not bring up the topic of Nordic skiing, ITG, Dirty Texans, Schoolhouse Bagels, or anything rantable in both Danco and the Prenewb’s presence.
Dude, Danco used to write these AWESOME rants that were like three pages long about anything and everything. Most notably, the subjects mentioned above. But getting him started outside a word processor... that could take a whiiiile xD
15) Do not return it to Mr. Bohan complaining of ‘defects’.
Mr. Bohan being head of admissions
16) Do NOT, after being yelled at by Mr. Bohan, take it to ITG.
ITG can't fix things. Not even computers, much less a prenewb. Thus was the subject of the aforementioned rant about ITG.
17) Do not refer to your prenewb as ‘Foz lunch’
Foz was AWESOME. This little man with a weird goatee who left after my freshman year, he had about 3,000 scifi/fantasy books, a medieval armoury and a life dream of joining the FBI. Coolest guy ever.
18) Do not, if your prenewb speaks French, take him to Mrs. Clunie’s class.
Ms. Clunie's classes are notable for such quotes as "So this one time when I was in Paris with Mr Clunie- we weren't married yet, but we were sleeping together-"
19) Do not discuss Club Squash, we’ve got enough people doing that already, thank you very much.
Club Squash was in the winter at that point, taking up court time, stealing hockey players and generally driving all four squash teams and all four hockey teams completely insane. It's since been moved to spring, has stolen Devin and Nobu from track and thus from me, and has incurred my undying hatred.
20) Do not ‘occupy’ your prenewb in your free time by sending it to Ellen’s room with the instructions ‘ask about Rob’.
Ellen was dating Rob freshman year. They broke up at the end cause he's bisexual and totally crazy- though apparently Ellen's bi too, so whatever- and the actual reason, it just wasn't working out. But while it DID, the "rob story" came in many versions. The shortest was between 20 and 30 minutes, and the full version took over 2 hours.
21) Do not ‘occupy’ your prenewb in your free time by sending it to Big Guy with the instructions ‘How big you like your women?’
Big Guy's a bit creepy. He goes to all the school dances and just dances by himself in a corner, has about three teeth, and is the only school staff member who still lives on campus. And is creepy. Did I mention that? Very creepy. I've never been treated to the 'big women' lecture, but oooh have I heard stories.
22) Do not, if your prenewb is under 5 feet, explain to it that “we already have a Peter, and we had two for a while, so if you don’t mind, Andover is a great school too.”
Peter was about 5'1" freshman year, and Alex O- remember knife boy?- was even shorter. He's grown since, but Danco and his dormmates teased Peter mercilessly. And then me, when we scored... enh, not thinking about it.
23) Do not attempt to verse your prenewb in AoE in the precious few hours you have with it.
Danco's dorm had 10-hour Age of Empires tournaments every weekend, until Danco and Grant got too good sophomore year and the others just gave up.
24) Do not acquaint your prenewb with the basement of Mem Hall.
It's sketchy and dirty and completely graffitied and generally scary. Although the New Space makes for AWESOME dances. Unless a weird rapper from MTV comes like he did last Saturday and sings terrible, terrible songs... yes, I'm bitter. Hush.
25) Do not pond your prenewb. Come on, guys. If you really must, get someone else to pond it.
26) DO NOT tempt your prenewb with cookies, sweets, and cake if it has given them up for lent.
Danco gave up the stated items for Lent. We offered them to him with innocent smiles minimum twice a day. Ain't we nice?
27) Do not explain to your prenewb what ‘The T Tones’ stands for.
The all-male a cappella group, containing uniformly gorgeous males, is called the Testostertones. Thus the nickname.
28) Do not name everyone you see passing by in the middle of the day, and make up names for those you don’t know.
29) Do not forget to tip your prenewb after dinner, if you use it as a waiter for you and all your friends.
Newbs are expected to be waiters for upper formers. Thus, it should hold that prenewbs are waiters for newbs, right?
30) Do not let your prenewb get caught by Dr. Reider under a blanket with Arthur rolling around while a panel of judges looks on.
Yes, this really happened to Danco. Except the panel of judges was a semi-circle of me and my friends, and the lights were out. Danco was in the top bunk, Arthur was curled in a blanket on the floor, Nachbaur tugged on Danco's blanket and Danco fell off, onto Peter, then got tangled in Arthur's blanket while we watched and laughed hysterically. Then the advisor, Dr Reider, walked in... poor kid. We teased him forever, 'specially cause Arthur was called Smelly Arthur at the time.
31) Do not, after meeting your prenewb for the first time, try and think of possible Theme Songs for it.
Danco made a powerpoint about his SPS friends with theme songs for each of us. No, I don't know why.
32) Do NOT use Cosmopolitan Virtual Makeover on your prenewb.
33) Do not even show your prenewb any Cosmo Virtual Makeover-generated portraits of Danco, or anyone else.
Cosmo Virtual Makeover is a program that allows you to doctor photos with makeup, jewelry, hats, etc then place said photos on a Cosmo cover. We used said tool on Danco, twice, and then on Peter. They were less than pleased.
34) Do not get your prenewb addicted to a diet of Ramen Noodles and Pepsi already.
Perot's Hugh Camp Cup speech freshman year, which won first place for the school, was about a variety of things he discovered upon arrival. One such discovery was the ability of a student to exist on a diet of ramen and pepsi, even if crushed ramen is extremely hard to remove from the carpet.
35) Do not feed your prenewb to Colin Ahearn.
Colin Ahearn is enormous. Football player, 6'1" and probably close to 300 pounds. He's just HUGE. And could probably eat a prenewb if he wanted to. He was also Arthur's pot source for a while, up till Arthur got caught smoking in Scotland on a theatre trip that is.
36) Do not, if your prenewb is a New York Yankees fan, discuss baseball.
Our rector was a Yankees fan. Our vice-rector was a Red Sox fan. Ah, the battles that ensued. Danco, as you can probably guess, was a Sox fan.
37) Do not refer to SPS as ‘Hogwarts Lite’.
And yet my entire family does anyway. And we call the rector Dumbledore.
38) Do not refer to your prenewb as Minime.
39) Do not acquaint your prenewb with ‘The Spot that Never Freezes’.
This spot is in the center of the pond system. It really doesn't ever freeze. The standing theory is that the steam plant dumps so much pollution into the stream that the pond can't freeze in the center, but I think the pond's just very large and the winters haven't been that cold.
40) Do not ever discuss the boys football team.
They're terrible. TERRIBLE. They've won maybe... twice in three years. Even after they started recruiting. TERRIBLE.
41) Do not, if you’ve forgotten its name, refer to it as “It who must not be named”
42) Do not let your prenewb learn ANYTHING. AT ALL.
43) Do not attack your prenewb with homemade torture devices.
44) Do not set up a ‘Prenewb stock’
45) Do not play ultimate Frisbee…with it in the role of ‘frisbee’.
46) Do not use your E&R bag as a makeshift prenewb transporter.
E&R is the laundry service. The bags are bright yellow, kind of square, and most certainly not large enough for a prenewb.
47) Do not feed your prenewb to Callahan’s Bear.
Callahan has a HUGE dog named Millie. She's shaggy and enormous and thus is The Bear. She has a tendency to lie spreadeagle on the common room floor right in front of the door and act as our carpet, and is possible the least vicious thing alive (unless you count her ceaseless drooling).
48) Do not let your prenewb get lost in the scorner.
Danco and his roommate had a little nook behind their bunk bed about as wide as a person that you could only see if you came in the door, walked all the way across the room, then turned around. Grace and Grant found many uses for it, thus its title of Score-ner.
49) Do not greet it’s parents with ‘Big up youself’.
...I have NO idea.
50) Do NOT let your prenewb witness any one section, portion or piece, pertaining to or related to Ali G or South Park.
51) Or Super Puyo Puyo II remix.
52) Do not allow it to collect dust regularly.
53) Do not introduce it to Garzo without proper ear protection.
Garzo was an audio/visual geek. Filmed things for kicks, etc. His speakers were if possible even louder than Danco's, which is saying something- Danco makes the windows flex at half volume.
54) Do not bring your prenewb to Dr. Carol with imaginary injuries.
55) Do not explain the meaning of shovel to it.
One of Danco's dormmates was Tommy. Most beautiful boy alive, my sister saw him naked... moving on past my jealousy. He was dating a girl named Tessa. They nicknamed her Shovel. A long and completely inappropriate story is involved I never quite knew all of.
56) Do not assign your prenewb a prenewb to look after.
57) Do not classify your prenewb with a UPC code.
58) Do not refer to your it as ‘hot’.
59) Do not initiate your prenewb to the fight club.
60) Do not talk about fight club.
61) Do not refer to it as “It ain’t a real word, it’s short for ‘in’t it’. Don’t be Hispanic”
62) Do not, if your prenewb is awesome, refer to it as ‘The one it… to RULE them ALL’.
63) Do not allow your prenewb access to Kehaya.
Kehaya was donated recently, and is GORGEOUS. Girl's dorm with absolutely gigantic rooms, and one bathroom & shower per two rooms. Nickname of the Palace. It's just beautiful like that.
64) Do not forget to return your prenewb’s limbs after borrowing.
65) Do not forget to hire a sheepdog.
66) Do not tolerate unauthorized It Streaking.
67) Do not use ‘Say Hello to my LITTLE FRIEND’ as a prenewb introduction.
68) Do not ‘order it from Zanzobar’ (yeah, yeah, I know what your dirty minds are thinking)
F*** Her Gently was our hockey pumpup song. Sad. But true.
69) Do not panic if you lose it. It will find you eventually, and if not, it wasn’t smart enough to go here in the first place.
70) Do not donate your prenewbs to Mish.
Mish is the community service organizition, and also the name of the store it runs that sells everything for $1. Anything left around the dorm or lost or whatever is sent to Mish.
71) Do not show it the gym. If it asks you about it, it is unworthy.
We were in the process of building our gym, which is now done and which is awesomeness incarnate. But Danco kept getting asked about it during admission tours, and it gets reeeally tiring. Plus, we're not all that athletic anyway. We have the insane athletes, but the school is not inherently athletic.
72) Do not put your prenewb in a bathtub with a toaster.
73) Do not do that either, you sick freak.
74) Do NOT, repeat do NOT, show them Chapter 16 of French In Action.
That would be the chapter about sex, if I remember correctly. Or maybe a porn star?
75) Do not forget- if he comes to SPS, you get a free t-shirt.
'Tis true. They bribe us to be nice. Sad, huh?
76) Do not combine the words ‘Free’ and ‘Hat’ in the same phrase.
77) Do NOT let your prenewb see Danco’s common block notes.
They don't count as notes. They're called the Common Block Anthology and consist of little scribbles of the story of the murder of Danco in my dorm hallway and the painstaking process of solving the mystery with Sour Patch Kid wrappers.
78) Do not keep your prenewb’s underwear as a souvenir.
79) Do not refer to yourself as ‘the matador’ and him as… you know.
80) Do not forget, it’s all make-believe.
81) Do not forget, your prenewb is most likely an Agent from the matrix.
82) Do not play Pin the Tail on the Prenewb.
83) Do not teach your prenewb all your lame Pirate jokes, just in case he comes here next year.
There were lots. And lots. And LOTS. Of lame pirate jokes.
84) Do not pretend to be a prenewb.
It happened, believe me.
85) Do not pretend Peter is a prenewb.
A common misconception, sadly.
86) Do not rename your prenewb.
87) Do not refer to Kitt as ‘The Greater Nash Vicinity’
The Kitt dorms are right next to the dorm Nash, which is infinitely nicer. Thus, Kitt was only worth anything in respect to being near Nash.
88) Do not tell Ellen your prenewb is in need of nursing care.
Ellen was our mother. If we got sick, she'd put us in bed and feed us cough drops and hot tea. Danco even got her a mother's day card. But they DID fear her descending upon them come sickness.
89) Do not use your prenewb as a musical instrument, or as a viola.
Danco does not consider violas to be an intstrument. A longstanding battle.
90) Do not tell Manville House that your prenewb talked smack about them.
Manville is the dorm with the largest hockey players in school. They're also the nicest hockey players in school- the mean ones are in Simpson- but hey, who cares about that? ^_^
91) Do not prepond your prenewb.
92) Do not return your prenewb to its parents with an apple in its mouth.
93) Do not introduce ‘Booyakasha’ into the prenewb’s vocabulary.
94) Do not take your prenewb’s lunch money, unless you explain to him clearly ‘I’ll give it to the Upper Staff myself’.
Upper is the cafeteria. Doi.
95) Do not play bloody knuckles with your roommate unless you have witnesses.
No one EVER believed Danco or Grant about who won bloody knuckles. No matter who they said won. Besides, Danco would have bloody knuckles anyway from one thing or another. Accident prone boy that he is.
96) Do not mail your prenewb to Concord High if disliked.
Concord High is the local public school. We disdain them, especially since we can beat them at most sports except track (and then only cause they outnumber us 9:2)
97) Do not teach your prenewb how to walk like a girl, even if it asks.
Danco was Ruth in his dorm play of Pirates of Penzance his third form year (all guys dorm stuck the prepubescent boys with the higher singing parts). So his seniors -encouraged- him to ask us to teach him to walk like a girl. We had a fabulous time and put him in high heels. He's still bitter O:-)
98) Do not kill Danco IF it asks.
99) Do not forget to provide it with a highchair if the wooden upper chairs prove too much of a hassle.
Our dining hall chairs ARE pretty low, I gotta say.
100) Do not let your prenewb find this list.
101) Do not pass go, do not collect $200.
Terrifying, I know. AND YET SO FUNNY.
Oh, and a random note: Andy, Mr. I'm-In-Charge-Of-Paying-You, came over earlier and asked for my driver's license. I kinda looked at him wide eyed and went, "Well, you can have my PERMIT..." and he turned three shades of red, mumbled something about forgetting my age and asked for another form of photo ID.
I LOVE doing that to people.
Ok, that's all for now, I really should get back to those 500 packages. Well, now I'm down to about 450/475, but whatevs.