in other words....
After shit seeming just fine and having things run smoothly, stuff happens and manages to screw everything up.
I know after writing all of these entries you would have bet yourself that I was doing well until now. You have guessed correctly. Before winter break went on I was doing a good job in school, I hung out with Josh and Stephanie, things at home were swell, and I honestly couldn't complain about anything in general. My dad brought his girlfriend, Lizel, here all the way back from the Philippines, and (in a form of simple words) the household hasn't exactly been the same. Before she moved in, there would always be a quarrel between all three of us, things were misunderstood, and before you knew it, chaos existed between all those involved whenever Lizel was around. I hated her, and just for my dad I was willing to start things off fresh and support my father's judgement. After all, the word "marriage" was brought up and I shant let my father die alone. I hope you could imagine him living almost ten years without any kids in his life in another country and then bam your first born is living with you and now you live in modern day teenage madness. Ever since then I've had this title as walking around as Miss Straight A honor roll, responsible, above average girl; the title my dad said I have lived up to those standards since I was a child.
Uh oh.
Okay, so we all make mistakes. I forget to call and tell my dad where I am a few times, and I take cover for Stephanie and Josh (the ONLY people I have here in this whole shitty town of Misawa) in events to my dad so that he wouldn't think of either one of them any less, especially Josh. So the first time in my life, in conflict with my dad, I get grounded, the day right before Christmas Eve. Let's just say supposedly I did not understand the meaning of the words respect and gratitude. Right on time for the Holidays. And then on Christmas I do as my father asks, I manage to not get on anybody's nerves for the whole day, I go by my FATHER'S wishes and act responsible, and I think it was in my part for taking the blame for me crying that night due to homesickness. When I cried on Christmas day, that was the first time I had broken down in a while. Usually I'd keep it latched within but for some reason I HAD to let it out in my room laying on my bed. And for doing that I was yelled at and basically accused of as being weak and selfish. What the fuck. I'm fucking sick and tired of "keeping my chin up and being strong" no one is meant to hold their defenses up as long as I have and all the shit I've gone through in this year alone. Nothing, NOTHING gets to my father's sometimes-cold-and-ill-heart until Lizel talks my dad, "I asked him if he could forgive you because it's Christmas..." so he let me off the hook for a day, but I didn't need her help. When it comes to obstacles like this, I could manage it on my own.
So...
Earlier today the whole plan was to have Josh, Stephanie, and I spend time at my house from late morning until whatever time in the afternoon. Blah blah blah, things were going fine until Josh had to go early for his Dad needed the car and we had to drop him off and so fourth. When I asked my dad if he could drop us off, he asks upon the reason why we had to leave so early. I couldn't bring the fact that JOSH has to be back soon because my father would have thrown a fit thinking we only did things according to his agenda and he only wanted me around when he wanted me. Keep in mind my dad doesn't like Josh any more than he does now and I am ashamed of saying that what my father thinks of Josh presently hurts me even thinking about it. Once again, I took it. So guess what?
- I'm grounded again.
- I'm in even more trouble than I was before.
- Not ONLY was Christmas shitty this year, but I guess New years is going to be just as worse.
- My "personal image" is now shattered due to complicated and multiple events which have occured.
and another thing that pisses me off is I don't know how to fucking get myself out of this mess.
I'm too secretive around those I care and love and.. maybe I am selfish.. I don't fucking know.
I know after writing all of these entries you would have bet yourself that I was doing well until now. You have guessed correctly. Before winter break went on I was doing a good job in school, I hung out with Josh and Stephanie, things at home were swell, and I honestly couldn't complain about anything in general. My dad brought his girlfriend, Lizel, here all the way back from the Philippines, and (in a form of simple words) the household hasn't exactly been the same. Before she moved in, there would always be a quarrel between all three of us, things were misunderstood, and before you knew it, chaos existed between all those involved whenever Lizel was around. I hated her, and just for my dad I was willing to start things off fresh and support my father's judgement. After all, the word "marriage" was brought up and I shant let my father die alone. I hope you could imagine him living almost ten years without any kids in his life in another country and then bam your first born is living with you and now you live in modern day teenage madness. Ever since then I've had this title as walking around as Miss Straight A honor roll, responsible, above average girl; the title my dad said I have lived up to those standards since I was a child.
Uh oh.
Okay, so we all make mistakes. I forget to call and tell my dad where I am a few times, and I take cover for Stephanie and Josh (the ONLY people I have here in this whole shitty town of Misawa) in events to my dad so that he wouldn't think of either one of them any less, especially Josh. So the first time in my life, in conflict with my dad, I get grounded, the day right before Christmas Eve. Let's just say supposedly I did not understand the meaning of the words respect and gratitude. Right on time for the Holidays. And then on Christmas I do as my father asks, I manage to not get on anybody's nerves for the whole day, I go by my FATHER'S wishes and act responsible, and I think it was in my part for taking the blame for me crying that night due to homesickness. When I cried on Christmas day, that was the first time I had broken down in a while. Usually I'd keep it latched within but for some reason I HAD to let it out in my room laying on my bed. And for doing that I was yelled at and basically accused of as being weak and selfish. What the fuck. I'm fucking sick and tired of "keeping my chin up and being strong" no one is meant to hold their defenses up as long as I have and all the shit I've gone through in this year alone. Nothing, NOTHING gets to my father's sometimes-cold-and-ill-heart until Lizel talks my dad, "I asked him if he could forgive you because it's Christmas..." so he let me off the hook for a day, but I didn't need her help. When it comes to obstacles like this, I could manage it on my own.
So...
Earlier today the whole plan was to have Josh, Stephanie, and I spend time at my house from late morning until whatever time in the afternoon. Blah blah blah, things were going fine until Josh had to go early for his Dad needed the car and we had to drop him off and so fourth. When I asked my dad if he could drop us off, he asks upon the reason why we had to leave so early. I couldn't bring the fact that JOSH has to be back soon because my father would have thrown a fit thinking we only did things according to his agenda and he only wanted me around when he wanted me. Keep in mind my dad doesn't like Josh any more than he does now and I am ashamed of saying that what my father thinks of Josh presently hurts me even thinking about it. Once again, I took it. So guess what?
- I'm grounded again.
- I'm in even more trouble than I was before.
- Not ONLY was Christmas shitty this year, but I guess New years is going to be just as worse.
- My "personal image" is now shattered due to complicated and multiple events which have occured.
and another thing that pisses me off is I don't know how to fucking get myself out of this mess.
I'm too secretive around those I care and love and.. maybe I am selfish.. I don't fucking know.