REVIEW: VAMPIRE EMPIRE - THE GREYFRIAR
The Greyfriar by Clay Griffith
My rating: 1 of 5 stars
1.5 Rating.
"Adele's eyes bored into the back of the vampire."
PG. 188
Now, I may not know the intricate details of the human anatomy. At best, I can name some bones, muscles and such and bullshit the rest. But I know human eyeballs can't do that. So you can imagine my response to this supposedly intended sombre scene when that gem of a line popped up. Full-blown hysterics. I thought this was Vampire Empire, not Beetlejuice. Who got all Tim Burton in my vampire novel?
Unfortunately, the rest of the wording for this novel does not offer unintended comedic relief. It does make you want to take out a red pen and start marking the bloody thing. Although you could probably play The Drinking Game for every time a character is described as 'tall'. But there would be an abundant of paramedics worldwide scratching their heads in confusion at the sudden onslaught of alcohol poisoning. Perhaps I should have known how this song and dance would go when on PG. 27 lackluster description makes its first appearance on stage. And it's a doozy.
"The female was tall and statuesque, but pale and blue-eyed, like all her kind, and wore her ebony black hair in a braid that hung long down her back." PG 27
Three short paragraphs later (seriously, on the same page) you get: "The tall female vampire with the long black braid..." PG. 27
Yes, it is that bad. Apparently every vampire is pale and blue-eyed. Or did the authors mean tall and statuesque? The structure of that sentence is rather clumsy. You have to read it a few times before logically deciding it referred to the former. At least you'd hope with all hope that is the case. The alternative would be cringe-worthy. For the sake of not imaging every vampire as some idealized aryan brotherhood member, I'm going to stake my bets on tall and statuesque.
Huurr huuurr, stake my bets.
Shaddup, it's funny.
I'm not evening going to touch on ebony black hair. It speaks for itself.
Now, I don't recall chapter one being this painful to read. It offers an intriguing What if scenario, and although there is a good chunk of exposition (needed exposition, of course) it ends with a bang. Literally. Actually more of a sssmmmaassh. Or whatever noise an airship makes when it falls from the sky. Swooossh? And then chapter two shows up, slaps me around a bit with horrible description and subsequently hijacks the rest of the book.
SETTING
Welcome to the future! It....kind of sucks.
In the year 1870 humanity has its collective ass kicked. Vampires, prone to douchyness, have taken over the northern regions of the world. Bastards. The British Empire has uprooted and resettled in Alexandria.
Now it is 2020 and humanity plans retribution. Princess Adele is heir to the empire and I'd add quite the important figurehead, eh? You know, if I had someone that important I wouldn't send her off on some half-assed trip. But then we wouldn't have our story. For reasons that literally scream "It's a trap!", the court has sent not only Adele, but her younger brother as well on a tour to independent city-states to forge good-will...and kiss babies?
Yes. The two heirs to a human Empire are pretty much flying through enemy skies. Really, what could go wrong? It's not like -
Well fuck. Now the ship is attacked. Yes, it's a predictable plot device, but the set-up was not the part that truly annoyed me. Main hero is attacked and flung into enemy territory? That's fine. Both heirs traveling on a ship that could be potentially attacked? Stupidity at it's finest. Or Stupidity for Plot's Sake.
The purpose of this tour is to parade around the future Empress and establish connections. A war's coming, which I took to mean that the human's plan on making a move to reconquer lost territory. Why you need to convince other humans to join this cause is beyond me. Vampires are already painted as evil, blood-sucking asswipes. Certainly those living on the fringes of human-controlled land would be more than happy to retake what was stolen from them. Is there a risk these people will side with the vampires? At this point in the story it is unclear, since we have not met any of the humans from these areas. Also, none of the main characters bring this up as a possible threat. From the get-go it appears the line has already been clearly defined: Us vs Them.
However, fiction-court always seems to have a usurper lurking about, so sending Adele and her younger brother out on this half-concocted tour could just be a cunning plan for a power-siege. Even the royal guard comments on how it is an "irrational" idea. Could you possibly hit me any harder with that brick of a hint?
So here's Rappelle's wisdom for the day: If the plan appears absurd, watch out for that knife in the back.
Unless this court is actually run by a bunch of dumbass's. Then I'd recommend their termination. I suggest shooting them out of those nifty airship canons.
...I've a flair for the theatrical.
Words to live by, my friends. Words to live by.
THE VAMPIRES
And we shall call it...homo-nosferatii.
Dracula is to supernatural, as Vampire Empire is to science. From what little information is provided vampires are a sub-cousin to humans, more of a parasitic life-form than a resurrected body. They even procreate in the same manner as mammal's do. Bow-chika-wow-wow. The Griffith's portrayal of the science-based vampire was well-done. In a manner of speaking. There is still a little mystery shrouding their exact origin, and no one seems to have any idea on how long they've been around. While the consumption of blood is a mandatory dietary intake for many vampires across many novels and genres, I still have difficulty believing than an infant would gain much needed nutrients from just blood. To me this will always be a major draw-back for the science-based vampire. Granted, there are animals that also feed off blood, but if these vampires possess the same cognitive capabilities as humans, I'd wager you'd need more than just hemoglobin for the development of a powerful brain.
If you're looking for 'good' vampires, you might have to squint while standing on your head and eating a burrito. All homo-nosferatii are painted with a single brush (save for our token good guy vampire, cause he's a special snowflake). They are cold, callous and downright evil. And yet there appears to be some attempt to have readers feel as if war with them would be wrong.
...someone hand me a wooden stake.
Also there is another giant brick of a hint bashed over you head pertaining to a certain someone. You know, the old 'hands as cold as ice' vampire trope. In the real world you might just attribute that to poor circulation. But I'm reading a vampire novel. GEE. WHAT COULD THAT LINE POSSIBLY MEAN?
WEIRD SHIT.
And just like that...you've lost me.
This just in: Princess Adele has Jesus powers.Pg 247.
She goes into a church to pray. Prince Gareth, our token good vampire is suddenly engulfed in a pain he has never known before. He must create much needed distance between himself and church lest he...I don't know...be turned to ash? Why? You recall these vampires are science-based. This would be the equivalent of me, an atheist, walking into a church and then spontaneously explode. No explanation is followed other than the fact that Adele is a special snowflake. This leaves the reader to assume that religion equals actual power. Magic. Abracadabra!
OVERALL...
Meh.
I didn't even create a character section for this review since all you need to know is this: stereotypes. The bad guys are bad guys for the sake of being bad guys. You can transpose 'bad guys' with 'good guys', 'Americans', etc in that previous statement and you will have a clear picture of everyone. I'd argue token vampire good guy had some development. I had short lapses of sympathy for when he tried to use tools, eat food and generally try and appear 'human' to Adele. But then I read the descriptions and all sympathy was shot to pieces. I might continue with the next installment just to see if an editor makes an appearance. And I am genuinely interested to see where the story goes. Unfortunately...
Ebony black hair.
Out. I'm out.
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