Yes, It's Love (Nate/Dan, R)
Title: Yes, It’s Love
Pairings: Nate/Dan (mentions of Dan/OMC)
Rating: R? I don’t know…maybe less than R. Could someone give me a guide of fic ratings…?
Warning: mentions of sex; spoiler of S2
Word count: 3,515
Disclaimer: Not mine. Never has been, never will be.
Opening (because I can’t write summaries):
Nate was not surprised by the news that Dan’s new lover is of the same gender as him. But when it came out, he pretended that he was surprised, like everybody else was. Because, really, how could Nate have known about Dan’s switch in sexuality? He couldn’t. He shouldn’t. It was not like he and Dan dated.
And that was true; Nate and Dan did not date.
But they did have sex.
Nate was not surprised by the news that Dan’s new lover is of the same gender as him. But when it came out, he pretended that he was surprised, like everybody else was. Because, really, how could Nate have known about Dan’s switch in sexuality? He couldn’t. He shouldn’t. It was not like he and Dan dated.
And that was true; Nate and Dan did not date.
But they did have sex.
It was only one time, some night in a summer, the summer between the last day of high school and the first day of college. And that summer had passed, almost two years ago. But that night was still so vivid in Nate’s mind, and he could recall all the details, from the feel of Dan’s skin to the smell of the air around them, and the air somehow smelt different, smelt special, even though it was just Dan’s home, a place that Nate was quite familiar with (which was to be expected after living there for a while) and the air there had never seemed to have any characteristic to make it unique or even memorable. Except that night.
That night was memorable. Nate remembered how it started - drinks, conversation, sitting close to each other on the sofa, laughing, more conversation, more drinks, sitting closer, more drinks, and maybe some more conversation, and a kiss.
Come to think about it, Nate was not sure who initiated the kiss, and that was perhaps the only thing of that night he could not remember clearly. Maybe it was him. Maybe it was Dan. More likely it was neither of them and both of them.
And it went from there.
Nate remembered all the steps along the way from the sofa in the living room to the bed in Dan’s room. More kisses, deeper and more passionate. And in the bedroom Nate learned that it was not Dan’s first time with a guy, because of the way Dan moved, moaned and opened up for him, and because of the lube Dan produced from his bedside table. Nate did not ask questions, and he did not pause. He simply went into the whole thing, feeling like hypnotized but in fact very conscious of what he was doing while he did it.
The next morning when Nate woke up, Dan was not in the house. When Nate waited for Dan to return - even though he had no idea what he would do when he saw Dan again - he received a call from his grandfather requiring his immediate appearance. Nate left Dan’s house after his grandfather called for the third time. While leaving, Nate considered leaving some note, or sending a text message, or even giving Dan a call, but he did not do any of those. He simply left, because he was afraid and nervous, although he tried to convince himself he wasn’t. He was afraid and nervous because of a reason, and it was the same reason that stopped him from breaking off what happened the previous night. Moreover, this reason made him pushing along for last night to happen, and made him wanting last night to happen again.
But it did not happen again. In fact, there had been no direct contact between Nate and Dan since that night. But that did not mean Nate had no idea about what was happening in Dan’s life. For one thing, after almost two years, Gossip Girl was still on Nate’s web browser and in Nate’s cell phone message inbox. That damn reason Nate had two years ago did not disappear. Nate pushed it down as hard as he could, but while it agreed to be suppressed, it did not go away. It grew. It made Nate put Gossip Girl on his web browser and in his cell phone message inbox, because Gossip Girl let Nate know what was happening in Dan’s life. And yes, Nate wanted to know what was happening in Dan’s life, because - because of that damn reason, again.
And it was the same reason that made Nate single for two years, which at first made Gossip Girl surprised and determined to find out what was going on - “Nate must be seeing someone secretly and believe me all secrets come out!”, she said. But no secret came out, because Nate’s secret was not in his two bachelor years, it was in that summer night ahead of the two years.
It was three months into college when the photo of Dan and another guy kissing made the frontpage on Gossip Girl’s website. And everyone was surprised; everyone except Nate, who pretended that he was surprised like everyone else1. Serena, on the other hand, was perhaps the most surprised, but she accepted it very quickly. She and Dan had more or less drifted apart since the start of college (and the appearance of a sibling they shared2), but after the news came out, they grew much closer and really come to accept each other as family (since they were indeed family and there was no chance of them getting together because of Dan’s “new” development). And somehow Serena managed to make Blair and Dan become friendly - or at least civilized - with each other. And Blair and Chuck were dating so the typical circle showing up on Gossip Girl had now become Dan, Serena, Blair and Chuck. Nobody would have thought about it in high school, but everybody gradually accepted it.
This meant that Nate was the furthest from Dan’s now, and Nate knew it was a conscious choice on Dan’s part. Nate still saw Serena, Blair and Chuck, but whenever Nate was there, Dan had some reason not to be there. So it was clear that Dan was avoiding him, but Dan was doing it very cleverly so nobody realized it except Nate, who not only knew what Dan was doing, but also knew why he was doing it, and Nate was not surprised, because having sex screws up friendships, sometimes in a good way, but more often than not in a bad way. And the one between Dan and him definitely seemed to be screwed up in the worst possible way.
Although Nate was not surprised by Dan’s effort to avoid him, it still hurt. Badly. Besides, two years was a long time. Surely Dan could have gotten past it by now, especially since he had a steady boyfriend now - and this thought hurt Nate even more. This boyfriend of Dan for the past five months was an NYU student named Brian, and he was a blonde, charming, popular boy who apparent pursued Dan persistently and finally got what he wanted (source: Gossip Girl). Prior to Brian, Dan was not getting serious, but Brian seemed to have been a final choice. And a good one, according to Serena. Nate had not met Brian, but Serena had and told Nate all about it. Apparently Brian was a very likable guy. Still Nate chose not to meet him, because although five months was enough to reduce the sharp sting on his heart to a dull, droning pain, Nate knew that if he saw Brian, the pain - and the reason behind it - would become monstrous.
Envy. They don’t call it a sin for no reason.
Yes, Nate had admitted to himself that jealousy was the cause of the pain. And he admitted to himself what that damn reason was, a long time ago.
He did not care about not being friends with Dan, because friend was not what he wanted. He wanted more. He wanted that night.
The realization did not come as a shock, either. It did come after months of fooling himself, so Nate knew it before he officially let himself know it. So it was not a shocking revelation, just a plain acceptation. And it had accompanied him ever since.
So all in all, there had been no surprise in Nate’s life during the last two years. Nate was not surprised when Dan declared himself gay, not surprised when he found out Dan was avoiding him, not surprised when Dan finally settled down (he was Dan, not Chuck, after all). He was, however, surprised when Dan broke up with Brian and then showed up at a party where Nate was also at.
It was a party thrown by Serena during the summer break. She invited all her old high school crowd, and the party felt just like the ones she threw when they were in high school. She called it a high school reunion, although Nate failed to see the point of a reunion when she threw this kind of party every time she got the chance (summer break, Christmas break…whenever they all had a vacation and had a chance to be back at their family’s homes). Last time Dan was not there, because Nate was there. Now Nate was there, and Dan walked through the door. And Nate automatically had all his attention on him. Although Dan had earned quite a player reputation during his post-Serena-pre-Brian period, Nate knew instantly that Dan was still Dan, because Dan’s eyes were still the same eyes, with just the tiny shadow of shyness hidden in it. Serena immediately walked over to Dan and hugged him - it was only two hours earlier that Gossip Girl reported Dan’s breakup with Brian. Dan hugged her back. The next thing Nate knew, Dan was standing in front of him.
Serena, who had led Dan there, was talking cheerfully about how Dan and Nate had not seen each other for so long because of a series of unfortunate events3 (that were in fact deliberate on Dan’s part). Nate could tell that she was trying to lift Dan’s mood, which was apparently not in high spirits. An inevitable result of a breakup, Nate thought. And before he could stop it, his thought went from the simple fact of Dan’s newly regained bachelorhood to the desire to fill the position of Dan’s new boyfriend.
Dan greeted Nate friendly, like an old friend should, but without any awkwardness like an old friend who had sex with him then avoided him for two years should. Nate was surprised, and he was even more surprised when he found himself responding to Dan in the same manners (while deep inside he was, indeed, feeling awkward). They talked, and when he finally got Dan to laugh a little, he felt his heart lift and all the awkwardness went away.
By the end of the party, they were not past friends, or past friends with complicated issue in between, they were just friends. Which was not what Nate really wanted, but it was at least a step in the right direction. He thought he was happy to just leave for the day when he spotted Dan leaving through the door and somehow he saw Dan just walking away from him altogether. He could not stop himself from calling out Dan’s name.
And really, it was not a big surprise for Nate when they ended up having sex for the second time.
This time more alcohol was involved then last time. Especially on Dan’s part. Understandable - breakups make people want to forget, and drinking was an all-too-convenient way of doing so. When the kissing started, Nate paused to ask Dan if he knew who he was. Dan said, yes, Nate. And that was all Nate needed.
It was different from last time in the sense that it was at Nate’s house, and Dan was obviously troubled and hurt and Nate was hurt seeing Dan troubled and hurt. But it was equally mind-blowing and wonderful, and Nate knew that it would become as deeply embedded in his memory as that summer night two years ago. Dan did not call out Brian’s name, he moaned Nate’s name, again and again, just like he did that night two years ago. The contact, the feeling, the smell in the air - all taken in by Nate’s mind so very hungrily, and recorded in minute details. Half of Nate’s mind wished that he could stop doing that, that he could forget the night as soon as it was over because it would inevitably be over and then Dan would be gone again, leaving him with such vivid memory to hurt him. But the other half of Nate’s mind - and all of his heart - wished to remember everything, keep everything of this night with him, from the contact to the feeling to the smell of the air.
But what he really wanted to keep was not some detail.
He wanted to keep Dan.
Nate was not surprised when he woke up the next day and Dan was not in bed with him. He was surprised, however, when he walked into the kitchen, and was embraced with the smell of coffee and the figure of Dan, standing in front of the window, looking out, a cup of coffee in his hands.
It was then that Nate decided to go over and ask Dan if they could do this again.
He was not surprised when Dan looked at him, smiled, and said yes.
And it went from there.4
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Gossip Girl openly suspected them to be dating after the third time they were spotted. The next time they were spotted, they were kissing.
Serena was worried, though. And Nate noticed that she was worried for him, not Dan. But he could not see any reason to worry. He was happy; he enjoyed being with Dan. They were different characters, but somehow they click. The time spent with each other were always full of pleasure, sometimes in frenzy-like pleasure (like when they were in bed) but sometimes it was peaceful pleasure, like when they were simply in the same room, doing different things, but knowing the other was there and they are together.
But after quite some hesitation (that lasted through weeks) Serena finally decided to speak up. Not really speak up because she did not say anything herself - she just gave Nate some videos she had and advised Nate to watch them.
They were videos of Dan and Brian, apparently taken by Serena at Brian’s birthday party (he didn’t realize that she and Brian became that close. Then again, she is Dan’s family). And Nate immediately realized the source of Serena’s worries.
Substitute. The word had never occurred to Nate before. Yes he did realize that Dan was looking for comfort after breaking up, and Nate offered it. He also knew that Brian and him were somewhat alike - blonde, charming, popular boy - but he did not realize just how much they were alike. Not somewhat. Very.
He did not meet Brian at all, and that was perhaps why he had not seen it earlier. But the videos made it quite clear. For anyone who knew both him and Brian, they could see one of them through the other.
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Dan sensed that Nate was troubled that day, and although he did not push it, he did ask if there was anything wrong, to which Nate simply shook his head. He knew what was wrong, and he knew what he wanted to say, but he did not know how to say it. So he tried to hold on and not say anything. He managed it through dinner, but when they were in bed - the same bed - and he kissed Dan, and Dan responded, he felt emotions bubbling to the surface, emotions that he had been trying to contain since he watched those videos. Anger. Hurt. And then a tiny bit of hope, hope that Dan was indeed in love with him, not someone else. At least not anymore. When he finished the kiss and was trying to go further, Dan pulled back, eyes filled with concern. Dan gently touched his arm, and asked what was wrong, in a tone that told Nate he would try his best to make it go away if he could. And if anyone could, it would be Dan.
So he told Dan about what he thought, and Dan felt silent.
For the first time since they began dating, they had uncomfortable silence between them.
“What makes you think that you are Brian’s substitute?” Dan finally asked.
“Come on, Dan. I am not stupid.” Nate looked at Dan and was surprised when he found Dan’s eyes looking back at him. Nate did not let go of the eye contact. Couldn’t even if he wanted to.
I really do love him, Nate thought desperately, and was surprised that he could even resume speaking, “Dan. Don’t even try to lie to me. I am his substitute.”
“No.” Dan said, and because Nate’s eyes were still holding Dan’s, he knew that Dan was serious. Dan only said one word, but it was like that he exalted all his strength to say this one word. Tiredness clouded those eyes as the sound of the word left his mouth. Tiredness and something else.
“I said don’t even try to lie. Dan. There are so many similarities between Brian and me.” Nate said, almost absent-mindedly because his mind was pondering on what he had just seen in Dan’s eyes. What was it? What was the something else in Dan’s eyes?
But Dan looked away. In fact he did more than look away; he turned over on the bed, and now Nate could only see his back. His heart yearned for him to stretch out his arm and touch Dan and turn Dan back. His brain told his to stay where he was.
Nate heard a sigh, almost entirely muffled by the pillow Dan buried his head in. Then he heard Dan’s voice again, and it sounded like it came from somewhere far away. Surreal. Maybe it was because he was talking into a pillow. But Nate heard every word clearly.
“I am not saying no about the whole substitute thing. But…”
Dan paused, then turned back and sat up. He was still not looking at Nate. Nate could tell that Dan was trying very hard to find the words. Slowly he moved closer to Dan, and put an arm across his shoulder.
“Nate…” Dan fidgeted a little before leaning his head on Nate’s shoulder, “I am not lying. And you are right. You two are alike. A lot. Yes, I agree. I look at you and I could see him. But, Nate. You got one thing wrong.” Dan looked up and there was eye contact again. And yes, there was tiredness and something else in Dan’s eyes. And that something else makes Nate’s heart beat loudly in his chest. He had not even figured out what that something else is, but his heart responded to it, without comprehension from his brain.
Nate heard himself ask, “What am I wrong about?”
“The order. You got the order wrong. Nate. I knew you before I knew Brian, not the other way around.”
Nate didn’t say a word. He did not have time to say anything before his heart and his brain ordered him - in the manner of a scream - to lean in to kiss Dan. Or maybe Dan lifted his head and kissed Nate. Nate did not really know how it happened because it seemed that one instant he was wrapping an arm around Dan’s shoulder and having Dan leaning on him and saying words - those wonderfully wonderful words - and the next instant his hand had shifted (in an instant!) to cup Dan’s jaw and there was lips crushing against lips, eager and passionate and powered by love.
Love, that was it. The something else in Dan’s eyes. Nate wondered why he had not figured it out sooner, because now he realized that it had been there in Dan’s eyes all along, even two years ago, or even before they had that summer night.
And he realized what was it that immediately made Dan and him click the moment they met again after those two years. Because they each thought they were alone. They were both hurt, and looking to be un-hurt. And the only way to do that was to be with each other. And it not only un-hurt them, it made them so much better.
And God how he wished he had figured it out earlier. Why didn’t he? He wondered, and was surprised when Dan bit his lower lip to call his attention back. What Dan did not know was that even when his mind was drifting, it was drifting towards Dan, not away from him.
Nate looked at Dan. Dan was pouting. Nate could not help but chuckle.
“Dan Humphrey,” he said in a mockingly formal voice, trying but failing to contain a smile, “you are pouting.”
“I am not.”
“Yes you are.”
“Am not…”
In the back of his mind Nate remembered reading somewhere once that when people fall in love, their intelligence and maturity could drop to that of 4-year-olds.
Not that it mattered, really.
Because it was “when people fall in love”.
In love.
And that was all that mattered: Nate Archibald and Dam Humphrey. In love.
~Fin~
Footnotes
1 Right there, I almost added the sentence “And Chuck, who simply smirked and although he did not say it, his smirk said “I knew it”.” Really, I am more of a Chuck/Dan shipper…kinda couldn’t help it…but I managed to tell myself that this is a Nate/Dan fic and erased this line. Yay for me!
2 I assumed that after three months of college, there had been Scott’s appearance, his identity becoming public and then (after some typical GG drama) being accepted
3 I didn’t deliberately make a reference there…and I thought about changing the word choice. In the end I decided to keep it…after all, I quite liked that book series!
4 I wanted to end the fic there. The part that I really want to write was the whole substitute thing but it felt like a right place to end. And I could make the rest part a separate fic…The truth is, the latter part of the fic was written first, and sat in my computer for months. Today I decided to write the former half, but could not get myself to meet the previously-written latter half. I guess it happens when you write - you start and get carried away. I feel that I kinda squeezed two fics together. Not really happy or content about this. But I know if I don’t, that latter half won’t ever make it out of my computer. Still…:(
A/N: I was going to write a sequel for my previous Chuck/Dan fic. Sorry to those who are waiting for it (not that there’s anyone, really…)
It’s just that the other day I was reading an angst story (that wasn’t labeled angst! T_T) and it features a protagonist who is used as a substitute for a dead ex-lover by a man he loves. Not the most original (in fact it’s nearly the most unoriginal) idea, I know. But I suddenly had the idea for this fic. I decided on Dan/Nate as the pairing. I mean, Chuck/Dan is more of my thing, but it just seemed that Nate was more fitting (and I love Dan so I have to write with Dan!). Sorry about that, Nate. But hey, I give you a happy ending! Happy ending! - Which is what I am hoping to get for that angst story (which is in progress, updated painfully slowly). I mean, who says angst stories can’t have happy endings?
Thank you for reading the story! Extra thanks if you decided to read the horribly long and rant-like A/N! XD
Leave a comment if you can, please? *does best puppy-eye expression*
Pairings: Nate/Dan (mentions of Dan/OMC)
Rating: R? I don’t know…maybe less than R. Could someone give me a guide of fic ratings…?
Warning: mentions of sex; spoiler of S2
Word count: 3,515
Disclaimer: Not mine. Never has been, never will be.
Opening (because I can’t write summaries):
Nate was not surprised by the news that Dan’s new lover is of the same gender as him. But when it came out, he pretended that he was surprised, like everybody else was. Because, really, how could Nate have known about Dan’s switch in sexuality? He couldn’t. He shouldn’t. It was not like he and Dan dated.
And that was true; Nate and Dan did not date.
But they did have sex.
Nate was not surprised by the news that Dan’s new lover is of the same gender as him. But when it came out, he pretended that he was surprised, like everybody else was. Because, really, how could Nate have known about Dan’s switch in sexuality? He couldn’t. He shouldn’t. It was not like he and Dan dated.
And that was true; Nate and Dan did not date.
But they did have sex.
It was only one time, some night in a summer, the summer between the last day of high school and the first day of college. And that summer had passed, almost two years ago. But that night was still so vivid in Nate’s mind, and he could recall all the details, from the feel of Dan’s skin to the smell of the air around them, and the air somehow smelt different, smelt special, even though it was just Dan’s home, a place that Nate was quite familiar with (which was to be expected after living there for a while) and the air there had never seemed to have any characteristic to make it unique or even memorable. Except that night.
That night was memorable. Nate remembered how it started - drinks, conversation, sitting close to each other on the sofa, laughing, more conversation, more drinks, sitting closer, more drinks, and maybe some more conversation, and a kiss.
Come to think about it, Nate was not sure who initiated the kiss, and that was perhaps the only thing of that night he could not remember clearly. Maybe it was him. Maybe it was Dan. More likely it was neither of them and both of them.
And it went from there.
Nate remembered all the steps along the way from the sofa in the living room to the bed in Dan’s room. More kisses, deeper and more passionate. And in the bedroom Nate learned that it was not Dan’s first time with a guy, because of the way Dan moved, moaned and opened up for him, and because of the lube Dan produced from his bedside table. Nate did not ask questions, and he did not pause. He simply went into the whole thing, feeling like hypnotized but in fact very conscious of what he was doing while he did it.
The next morning when Nate woke up, Dan was not in the house. When Nate waited for Dan to return - even though he had no idea what he would do when he saw Dan again - he received a call from his grandfather requiring his immediate appearance. Nate left Dan’s house after his grandfather called for the third time. While leaving, Nate considered leaving some note, or sending a text message, or even giving Dan a call, but he did not do any of those. He simply left, because he was afraid and nervous, although he tried to convince himself he wasn’t. He was afraid and nervous because of a reason, and it was the same reason that stopped him from breaking off what happened the previous night. Moreover, this reason made him pushing along for last night to happen, and made him wanting last night to happen again.
But it did not happen again. In fact, there had been no direct contact between Nate and Dan since that night. But that did not mean Nate had no idea about what was happening in Dan’s life. For one thing, after almost two years, Gossip Girl was still on Nate’s web browser and in Nate’s cell phone message inbox. That damn reason Nate had two years ago did not disappear. Nate pushed it down as hard as he could, but while it agreed to be suppressed, it did not go away. It grew. It made Nate put Gossip Girl on his web browser and in his cell phone message inbox, because Gossip Girl let Nate know what was happening in Dan’s life. And yes, Nate wanted to know what was happening in Dan’s life, because - because of that damn reason, again.
And it was the same reason that made Nate single for two years, which at first made Gossip Girl surprised and determined to find out what was going on - “Nate must be seeing someone secretly and believe me all secrets come out!”, she said. But no secret came out, because Nate’s secret was not in his two bachelor years, it was in that summer night ahead of the two years.
It was three months into college when the photo of Dan and another guy kissing made the frontpage on Gossip Girl’s website. And everyone was surprised; everyone except Nate, who pretended that he was surprised like everyone else1. Serena, on the other hand, was perhaps the most surprised, but she accepted it very quickly. She and Dan had more or less drifted apart since the start of college (and the appearance of a sibling they shared2), but after the news came out, they grew much closer and really come to accept each other as family (since they were indeed family and there was no chance of them getting together because of Dan’s “new” development). And somehow Serena managed to make Blair and Dan become friendly - or at least civilized - with each other. And Blair and Chuck were dating so the typical circle showing up on Gossip Girl had now become Dan, Serena, Blair and Chuck. Nobody would have thought about it in high school, but everybody gradually accepted it.
This meant that Nate was the furthest from Dan’s now, and Nate knew it was a conscious choice on Dan’s part. Nate still saw Serena, Blair and Chuck, but whenever Nate was there, Dan had some reason not to be there. So it was clear that Dan was avoiding him, but Dan was doing it very cleverly so nobody realized it except Nate, who not only knew what Dan was doing, but also knew why he was doing it, and Nate was not surprised, because having sex screws up friendships, sometimes in a good way, but more often than not in a bad way. And the one between Dan and him definitely seemed to be screwed up in the worst possible way.
Although Nate was not surprised by Dan’s effort to avoid him, it still hurt. Badly. Besides, two years was a long time. Surely Dan could have gotten past it by now, especially since he had a steady boyfriend now - and this thought hurt Nate even more. This boyfriend of Dan for the past five months was an NYU student named Brian, and he was a blonde, charming, popular boy who apparent pursued Dan persistently and finally got what he wanted (source: Gossip Girl). Prior to Brian, Dan was not getting serious, but Brian seemed to have been a final choice. And a good one, according to Serena. Nate had not met Brian, but Serena had and told Nate all about it. Apparently Brian was a very likable guy. Still Nate chose not to meet him, because although five months was enough to reduce the sharp sting on his heart to a dull, droning pain, Nate knew that if he saw Brian, the pain - and the reason behind it - would become monstrous.
Envy. They don’t call it a sin for no reason.
Yes, Nate had admitted to himself that jealousy was the cause of the pain. And he admitted to himself what that damn reason was, a long time ago.
He did not care about not being friends with Dan, because friend was not what he wanted. He wanted more. He wanted that night.
The realization did not come as a shock, either. It did come after months of fooling himself, so Nate knew it before he officially let himself know it. So it was not a shocking revelation, just a plain acceptation. And it had accompanied him ever since.
So all in all, there had been no surprise in Nate’s life during the last two years. Nate was not surprised when Dan declared himself gay, not surprised when he found out Dan was avoiding him, not surprised when Dan finally settled down (he was Dan, not Chuck, after all). He was, however, surprised when Dan broke up with Brian and then showed up at a party where Nate was also at.
It was a party thrown by Serena during the summer break. She invited all her old high school crowd, and the party felt just like the ones she threw when they were in high school. She called it a high school reunion, although Nate failed to see the point of a reunion when she threw this kind of party every time she got the chance (summer break, Christmas break…whenever they all had a vacation and had a chance to be back at their family’s homes). Last time Dan was not there, because Nate was there. Now Nate was there, and Dan walked through the door. And Nate automatically had all his attention on him. Although Dan had earned quite a player reputation during his post-Serena-pre-Brian period, Nate knew instantly that Dan was still Dan, because Dan’s eyes were still the same eyes, with just the tiny shadow of shyness hidden in it. Serena immediately walked over to Dan and hugged him - it was only two hours earlier that Gossip Girl reported Dan’s breakup with Brian. Dan hugged her back. The next thing Nate knew, Dan was standing in front of him.
Serena, who had led Dan there, was talking cheerfully about how Dan and Nate had not seen each other for so long because of a series of unfortunate events3 (that were in fact deliberate on Dan’s part). Nate could tell that she was trying to lift Dan’s mood, which was apparently not in high spirits. An inevitable result of a breakup, Nate thought. And before he could stop it, his thought went from the simple fact of Dan’s newly regained bachelorhood to the desire to fill the position of Dan’s new boyfriend.
Dan greeted Nate friendly, like an old friend should, but without any awkwardness like an old friend who had sex with him then avoided him for two years should. Nate was surprised, and he was even more surprised when he found himself responding to Dan in the same manners (while deep inside he was, indeed, feeling awkward). They talked, and when he finally got Dan to laugh a little, he felt his heart lift and all the awkwardness went away.
By the end of the party, they were not past friends, or past friends with complicated issue in between, they were just friends. Which was not what Nate really wanted, but it was at least a step in the right direction. He thought he was happy to just leave for the day when he spotted Dan leaving through the door and somehow he saw Dan just walking away from him altogether. He could not stop himself from calling out Dan’s name.
And really, it was not a big surprise for Nate when they ended up having sex for the second time.
This time more alcohol was involved then last time. Especially on Dan’s part. Understandable - breakups make people want to forget, and drinking was an all-too-convenient way of doing so. When the kissing started, Nate paused to ask Dan if he knew who he was. Dan said, yes, Nate. And that was all Nate needed.
It was different from last time in the sense that it was at Nate’s house, and Dan was obviously troubled and hurt and Nate was hurt seeing Dan troubled and hurt. But it was equally mind-blowing and wonderful, and Nate knew that it would become as deeply embedded in his memory as that summer night two years ago. Dan did not call out Brian’s name, he moaned Nate’s name, again and again, just like he did that night two years ago. The contact, the feeling, the smell in the air - all taken in by Nate’s mind so very hungrily, and recorded in minute details. Half of Nate’s mind wished that he could stop doing that, that he could forget the night as soon as it was over because it would inevitably be over and then Dan would be gone again, leaving him with such vivid memory to hurt him. But the other half of Nate’s mind - and all of his heart - wished to remember everything, keep everything of this night with him, from the contact to the feeling to the smell of the air.
But what he really wanted to keep was not some detail.
He wanted to keep Dan.
Nate was not surprised when he woke up the next day and Dan was not in bed with him. He was surprised, however, when he walked into the kitchen, and was embraced with the smell of coffee and the figure of Dan, standing in front of the window, looking out, a cup of coffee in his hands.
It was then that Nate decided to go over and ask Dan if they could do this again.
He was not surprised when Dan looked at him, smiled, and said yes.
And it went from there.4
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Gossip Girl openly suspected them to be dating after the third time they were spotted. The next time they were spotted, they were kissing.
Serena was worried, though. And Nate noticed that she was worried for him, not Dan. But he could not see any reason to worry. He was happy; he enjoyed being with Dan. They were different characters, but somehow they click. The time spent with each other were always full of pleasure, sometimes in frenzy-like pleasure (like when they were in bed) but sometimes it was peaceful pleasure, like when they were simply in the same room, doing different things, but knowing the other was there and they are together.
But after quite some hesitation (that lasted through weeks) Serena finally decided to speak up. Not really speak up because she did not say anything herself - she just gave Nate some videos she had and advised Nate to watch them.
They were videos of Dan and Brian, apparently taken by Serena at Brian’s birthday party (he didn’t realize that she and Brian became that close. Then again, she is Dan’s family). And Nate immediately realized the source of Serena’s worries.
Substitute. The word had never occurred to Nate before. Yes he did realize that Dan was looking for comfort after breaking up, and Nate offered it. He also knew that Brian and him were somewhat alike - blonde, charming, popular boy - but he did not realize just how much they were alike. Not somewhat. Very.
He did not meet Brian at all, and that was perhaps why he had not seen it earlier. But the videos made it quite clear. For anyone who knew both him and Brian, they could see one of them through the other.
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Dan sensed that Nate was troubled that day, and although he did not push it, he did ask if there was anything wrong, to which Nate simply shook his head. He knew what was wrong, and he knew what he wanted to say, but he did not know how to say it. So he tried to hold on and not say anything. He managed it through dinner, but when they were in bed - the same bed - and he kissed Dan, and Dan responded, he felt emotions bubbling to the surface, emotions that he had been trying to contain since he watched those videos. Anger. Hurt. And then a tiny bit of hope, hope that Dan was indeed in love with him, not someone else. At least not anymore. When he finished the kiss and was trying to go further, Dan pulled back, eyes filled with concern. Dan gently touched his arm, and asked what was wrong, in a tone that told Nate he would try his best to make it go away if he could. And if anyone could, it would be Dan.
So he told Dan about what he thought, and Dan felt silent.
For the first time since they began dating, they had uncomfortable silence between them.
“What makes you think that you are Brian’s substitute?” Dan finally asked.
“Come on, Dan. I am not stupid.” Nate looked at Dan and was surprised when he found Dan’s eyes looking back at him. Nate did not let go of the eye contact. Couldn’t even if he wanted to.
I really do love him, Nate thought desperately, and was surprised that he could even resume speaking, “Dan. Don’t even try to lie to me. I am his substitute.”
“No.” Dan said, and because Nate’s eyes were still holding Dan’s, he knew that Dan was serious. Dan only said one word, but it was like that he exalted all his strength to say this one word. Tiredness clouded those eyes as the sound of the word left his mouth. Tiredness and something else.
“I said don’t even try to lie. Dan. There are so many similarities between Brian and me.” Nate said, almost absent-mindedly because his mind was pondering on what he had just seen in Dan’s eyes. What was it? What was the something else in Dan’s eyes?
But Dan looked away. In fact he did more than look away; he turned over on the bed, and now Nate could only see his back. His heart yearned for him to stretch out his arm and touch Dan and turn Dan back. His brain told his to stay where he was.
Nate heard a sigh, almost entirely muffled by the pillow Dan buried his head in. Then he heard Dan’s voice again, and it sounded like it came from somewhere far away. Surreal. Maybe it was because he was talking into a pillow. But Nate heard every word clearly.
“I am not saying no about the whole substitute thing. But…”
Dan paused, then turned back and sat up. He was still not looking at Nate. Nate could tell that Dan was trying very hard to find the words. Slowly he moved closer to Dan, and put an arm across his shoulder.
“Nate…” Dan fidgeted a little before leaning his head on Nate’s shoulder, “I am not lying. And you are right. You two are alike. A lot. Yes, I agree. I look at you and I could see him. But, Nate. You got one thing wrong.” Dan looked up and there was eye contact again. And yes, there was tiredness and something else in Dan’s eyes. And that something else makes Nate’s heart beat loudly in his chest. He had not even figured out what that something else is, but his heart responded to it, without comprehension from his brain.
Nate heard himself ask, “What am I wrong about?”
“The order. You got the order wrong. Nate. I knew you before I knew Brian, not the other way around.”
Nate didn’t say a word. He did not have time to say anything before his heart and his brain ordered him - in the manner of a scream - to lean in to kiss Dan. Or maybe Dan lifted his head and kissed Nate. Nate did not really know how it happened because it seemed that one instant he was wrapping an arm around Dan’s shoulder and having Dan leaning on him and saying words - those wonderfully wonderful words - and the next instant his hand had shifted (in an instant!) to cup Dan’s jaw and there was lips crushing against lips, eager and passionate and powered by love.
Love, that was it. The something else in Dan’s eyes. Nate wondered why he had not figured it out sooner, because now he realized that it had been there in Dan’s eyes all along, even two years ago, or even before they had that summer night.
And he realized what was it that immediately made Dan and him click the moment they met again after those two years. Because they each thought they were alone. They were both hurt, and looking to be un-hurt. And the only way to do that was to be with each other. And it not only un-hurt them, it made them so much better.
And God how he wished he had figured it out earlier. Why didn’t he? He wondered, and was surprised when Dan bit his lower lip to call his attention back. What Dan did not know was that even when his mind was drifting, it was drifting towards Dan, not away from him.
Nate looked at Dan. Dan was pouting. Nate could not help but chuckle.
“Dan Humphrey,” he said in a mockingly formal voice, trying but failing to contain a smile, “you are pouting.”
“I am not.”
“Yes you are.”
“Am not…”
In the back of his mind Nate remembered reading somewhere once that when people fall in love, their intelligence and maturity could drop to that of 4-year-olds.
Not that it mattered, really.
Because it was “when people fall in love”.
In love.
And that was all that mattered: Nate Archibald and Dam Humphrey. In love.
~Fin~
Footnotes
1 Right there, I almost added the sentence “And Chuck, who simply smirked and although he did not say it, his smirk said “I knew it”.” Really, I am more of a Chuck/Dan shipper…kinda couldn’t help it…but I managed to tell myself that this is a Nate/Dan fic and erased this line. Yay for me!
2 I assumed that after three months of college, there had been Scott’s appearance, his identity becoming public and then (after some typical GG drama) being accepted
3 I didn’t deliberately make a reference there…and I thought about changing the word choice. In the end I decided to keep it…after all, I quite liked that book series!
4 I wanted to end the fic there. The part that I really want to write was the whole substitute thing but it felt like a right place to end. And I could make the rest part a separate fic…The truth is, the latter part of the fic was written first, and sat in my computer for months. Today I decided to write the former half, but could not get myself to meet the previously-written latter half. I guess it happens when you write - you start and get carried away. I feel that I kinda squeezed two fics together. Not really happy or content about this. But I know if I don’t, that latter half won’t ever make it out of my computer. Still…:(
A/N: I was going to write a sequel for my previous Chuck/Dan fic. Sorry to those who are waiting for it (not that there’s anyone, really…)
It’s just that the other day I was reading an angst story (that wasn’t labeled angst! T_T) and it features a protagonist who is used as a substitute for a dead ex-lover by a man he loves. Not the most original (in fact it’s nearly the most unoriginal) idea, I know. But I suddenly had the idea for this fic. I decided on Dan/Nate as the pairing. I mean, Chuck/Dan is more of my thing, but it just seemed that Nate was more fitting (and I love Dan so I have to write with Dan!). Sorry about that, Nate. But hey, I give you a happy ending! Happy ending! - Which is what I am hoping to get for that angst story (which is in progress, updated painfully slowly). I mean, who says angst stories can’t have happy endings?
Thank you for reading the story! Extra thanks if you decided to read the horribly long and rant-like A/N! XD
Leave a comment if you can, please? *does best puppy-eye expression*