palpatating pulse
so its been a long time since my last update, but of well im sure no one reads or pays attention to this. so im writing so that i dont forget. recently ive been in the process of moving to DE for school. i got my own place, its huge and way awesome so i cant wait to move in. im all by myself which has its ups and downs, while i dont have to deal with anyone else im going to be super fuckin lonly, and the way things are going with this it looks like ill be lonly for a very long time to come, so thats going to be the biggest down side. tonight i was at doms, it was a lot of fun. i brought her out with me, she looked so beautiful, even more so than usual which i thought was impossible. i was the driver so i coulnt drink, but it was still a good night. i just wish that i was more outgoing and open with her, i just cant seem to get the words off of my tongue, hands out of my pockets, or my lips parted enough to tell her how i really feel. its so frustrating, ive been losing ltos of sleep over it and the only thing thats really been a help for me to get to sleep is the drugs i got when they pulled my wisdom teeth out and they are running low. i fell like theres nothing i can do, like my lips have been sewn shut. every night i see her it just gets harder for me not to say anyhting but it never seems like the time is right, but its seemed that way for 5 years now with her, i guess im getting used to thinking the timing is always wrong that i couldnt see if it were right. i want to kiss her goodnight so very badly, but it doesnt seem like shes interested in the least bit. like tonight was great and all but i had to leave the party for a while and go for a drive to gather some of my thoughts, some of them never came, and i went back feeling almost the same as when i left, just a little bit more unnoticed. i felt that if i left no one would have noticed for at least a few hours. sometimes i can just walk around like a ghost. i wish that there was some way to tell if she had any intrest, but i think that im so afrad that she might not, i dont want to hear it and thats why its so hard for me to tell her that i love her. because if she doesnt feel the same way, who am i going to dream about? ill be so lost and not know it, i wont know what to do anymore. granted that sounds a little drastic, but ive liked her since the moment i met her and my feelings have done nothing but grow since. so now after all this time, after 5 years, another night goes by where we say goodnight and you hug me like its routine when it means the world to me. you mean the world to me. im going to sulk in bed. goodnght.