That's what you get for falling again..
..You can never get him out of your head
Fuck it.. I shouldn't be up.
I really never planned on staying up tonight. Didn't really want to. But.. well.. looks like I am..
It's funny how people never really know what they have until what they had had gone..
I mean, here I am, this person who tries to seem so unbreakable.. yet she cries every god damn night. And why, one would ask? Because she's fucking stupid..
She had a guy, you see. Of the rather nice sort, she believed. He went away a long time ago.. Eight months ago, exactly. She never could raise the ways and means to bring herself back from the dream she still had.
It's funny.. loves dependancy rates. I cry every night for him, even though I've not spoken to him for such a long time.. why can't I be at some fucking rest?! For christs sake at times it comes back at full force.. like it is now.. What's worst off, I know it was my fault.
And what makes this girl even more unfathomable? She's in love with someone else. Yet she can't shake the memory of this one guy from her subconscience. What's wrong with her? I don't know.. what is wrong with me? You'd think I'd be fucking used to it now..
I guess everyone of my age tends to feel the same at one point or another, no matter how they show it.. "Man, why the fuck can't I get a date to the prom.." "Why am I not getting laid.." Then you have those a little too secudled to bring themselves to saying either of those except to a damn computer screen.
For those who know me well enough know it's always on the back of my mind.. even if it is unsaid. JESUS CHRIST why the FUCK do I have to keep going through this?!?!
I just don't fucking GET IT!..
Shit.. people kill themselves when they have minds that are so masochistic.. but no, I have to fuckin' trudge along and fuckin' deal.. why wasn't life like a damn production.. if you don't like a scene you fuckin' change it.. if you don't like life.. you have to fuckin' deal with it..
Fortun Favet Audaci.. I guess.. but I wonder why I'm not so favored then.. shit.. I'm going to try and get some rest.. I shouldn't be doing this.. why I am.. I'll never know.. not like anyone will ever read this.. if they did.. well.. then they're seeing a softer side that only a handful of people should be seeing.. and if they said a damn thing I'd shoot them..
But you know what? Soldier's daughter's aren't supposed to cry. So Shit, I don't think I should've even stated that but hell, it's my journal.
You know what? Never let yourself love a person. NEVER. It's a mistake you'll direly regret. I loved a person before. A couple times actually. You know what? The 'true love' I had left eight months ago. And that brought me to my fucking knees. I never used to fucking cry. And now I do it every fucking night. I love someone else now, don't get me wrong, I really freaking do, yet he still fuckin' plagues me like leprosy. ..
I'm so fucking tired yet I have to stay awake because my own freaking mind decides to be a bitch, again.
Listen.. if anyone ever knew what it felt like to be built on strength and have it crumble, never being able to forget what life is trying to do. If they've ever been pushed around in their life, questioned why no one would give a frank god damn if they lived or died.. why things are fake when they should've been true.. I don't know who you are, but I'm with you.
I can't blame this on anyone but myself.. neither should you. The world is as we make it.. and if that's true.. I fucked myself over in this.. every tear I have to cry and feel ashamed for.. every feeling that I keep instilled in my damn subconscious until it builds so far that I'm about to burst.. is on my shoulders. Weak people deserve to be taken advantage of.. Looks like that applies here.
In a perfect world.. shit.. I wouldn't want a perfect would.. I want what I want.. and what I want is just impossible to have.. oh I just can't explain.. I'm just rambling on and on about some long lost love to god knows who.. but dammit all.. I really don't see what I did.. who to blame it on.
Live your lives, people.. live them and be thankful for what you have. Take a look at it and don't try to tear it up and dissect it until it's impure and bound by ones own paranoia.. I'm not saying to put it on a pedestal and never touch it.. I'm saying to appreciate what you have without taking it for advantage.. Maybe you'll have the chance of not having to feel it once it's gone..
Semper fidelis.. Always..
God bless.. God fucking Damn..
Fuck it.. I shouldn't be up.
I really never planned on staying up tonight. Didn't really want to. But.. well.. looks like I am..
It's funny how people never really know what they have until what they had had gone..
I mean, here I am, this person who tries to seem so unbreakable.. yet she cries every god damn night. And why, one would ask? Because she's fucking stupid..
She had a guy, you see. Of the rather nice sort, she believed. He went away a long time ago.. Eight months ago, exactly. She never could raise the ways and means to bring herself back from the dream she still had.
It's funny.. loves dependancy rates. I cry every night for him, even though I've not spoken to him for such a long time.. why can't I be at some fucking rest?! For christs sake at times it comes back at full force.. like it is now.. What's worst off, I know it was my fault.
And what makes this girl even more unfathomable? She's in love with someone else. Yet she can't shake the memory of this one guy from her subconscience. What's wrong with her? I don't know.. what is wrong with me? You'd think I'd be fucking used to it now..
I guess everyone of my age tends to feel the same at one point or another, no matter how they show it.. "Man, why the fuck can't I get a date to the prom.." "Why am I not getting laid.." Then you have those a little too secudled to bring themselves to saying either of those except to a damn computer screen.
For those who know me well enough know it's always on the back of my mind.. even if it is unsaid. JESUS CHRIST why the FUCK do I have to keep going through this?!?!
I just don't fucking GET IT!..
Shit.. people kill themselves when they have minds that are so masochistic.. but no, I have to fuckin' trudge along and fuckin' deal.. why wasn't life like a damn production.. if you don't like a scene you fuckin' change it.. if you don't like life.. you have to fuckin' deal with it..
Fortun Favet Audaci.. I guess.. but I wonder why I'm not so favored then.. shit.. I'm going to try and get some rest.. I shouldn't be doing this.. why I am.. I'll never know.. not like anyone will ever read this.. if they did.. well.. then they're seeing a softer side that only a handful of people should be seeing.. and if they said a damn thing I'd shoot them..
But you know what? Soldier's daughter's aren't supposed to cry. So Shit, I don't think I should've even stated that but hell, it's my journal.
You know what? Never let yourself love a person. NEVER. It's a mistake you'll direly regret. I loved a person before. A couple times actually. You know what? The 'true love' I had left eight months ago. And that brought me to my fucking knees. I never used to fucking cry. And now I do it every fucking night. I love someone else now, don't get me wrong, I really freaking do, yet he still fuckin' plagues me like leprosy. ..
I'm so fucking tired yet I have to stay awake because my own freaking mind decides to be a bitch, again.
Listen.. if anyone ever knew what it felt like to be built on strength and have it crumble, never being able to forget what life is trying to do. If they've ever been pushed around in their life, questioned why no one would give a frank god damn if they lived or died.. why things are fake when they should've been true.. I don't know who you are, but I'm with you.
I can't blame this on anyone but myself.. neither should you. The world is as we make it.. and if that's true.. I fucked myself over in this.. every tear I have to cry and feel ashamed for.. every feeling that I keep instilled in my damn subconscious until it builds so far that I'm about to burst.. is on my shoulders. Weak people deserve to be taken advantage of.. Looks like that applies here.
In a perfect world.. shit.. I wouldn't want a perfect would.. I want what I want.. and what I want is just impossible to have.. oh I just can't explain.. I'm just rambling on and on about some long lost love to god knows who.. but dammit all.. I really don't see what I did.. who to blame it on.
Live your lives, people.. live them and be thankful for what you have. Take a look at it and don't try to tear it up and dissect it until it's impure and bound by ones own paranoia.. I'm not saying to put it on a pedestal and never touch it.. I'm saying to appreciate what you have without taking it for advantage.. Maybe you'll have the chance of not having to feel it once it's gone..
Semper fidelis.. Always..
God bless.. God fucking Damn..