100 qualities of my next boyfriend.
Found this list on a website, the numbered are user submitted requests of their next boyfriend. Directly under, are my responses to the requests.
1. …will not cheat on me.
Well I wouldn't do such a thing... I'd break up with you first.
2. …will recycle, donate to a cause, volunteer, and otherwise be a contributing member to society’s well-being.
I recycle... most of the time, and i donated to the uncultured project...does that count?
3. …won’t put others down to make himself feel better.
Nah, only put em down if they're really asking for it.
4. …will treat everyone with respect.
Treat those who garner respect, with respect.
5. …will have a job.
Woot.
6. …will not smoke pot.
Once?
7. …will talk when the need arises versus trying to put it off until later.
Of course.
8. …will not watch ESPN endlessly.
Not a big fan of sports, sowwy.
9. …will not judge me for watching bad TV.
If you watch bad TV, you are deserving of judgment.
10. …will not be jealous of my gay best friend.
Well if the prick didn't dress so well!
11. …will not want to spend every waking second with me.
You're probably not THAT interesting,
12. …will call and not text.
What if textual communique is preferred?
13. …will be tall.
5'9" is tall... for women at least...
14. …will be emotionally mature, available, and evolved.
Emotionally mature? Most of the time. Available? Not always. Evolved? Well I make good use of my opposable thumbs?
15. …will not wear a cell phone holster.
Tackay!
16. …will know how to manage his money.
I know where it all goes at least.
17. …will not be vain.
Sorry I was looking at my butt in the mirror, what were you saying?
18. …will ask me how I’m doing and how my day was and actually care.
If you'll do the same for me. no free rides.
19. …will be content sometimes to spend the whole day in bed watching movies and eating takeout.
Sounds like a blasty blast.
20. …will compliment me every now and then, especially when I’ve made an effort to look nice for a night out.
I .............might? No,no,no.....I............probably will?
21. …will not be an alcoholic.
Don't drive me to drink.
22. …will have goals, dreams, and the drive to achieve them.
I had those once.
23. …will understand that ‘No’ means ‘No.’
Well if you're dating a guy who doesn't understand this concept, and you know he doesn't understand this concept....... he's still an asshole, but you're a dumbfuck.
24. …will know how to do his own laundry.
I know that!
25. …will text or call just to say ‘Hi.’
Thought you said no texting! Huh? Huh?
26. …will not live across the country.
Well this one's kinds of stoopid.
27. …will consider a long distance relationship if he has to move away.
What you mean like across the country? What goob wrote this list?
28. …will be interested in culture, music, art, and travel.
Awesome, to the museum! Or poetry reading!
29. …will have read a book since high school.
How about several?
30. …will not snore…much.
Can't do much to control this one.
31. …will tell the truth.
You can't handle the truth, you say you can... but you can't.
32. …will be open-minded and non-judgmental of others.
Except for the Dutch.
33. …will put as much effort forth to find out about my day as I did about his.
Assuming you did put effort in.
34. …will learn how to communicate like an adult.
Fruck you!!!!!!!
35. …will actually enjoying spending time with me.
Isn't that sort of the point of being with someone?
36. …will be crazy about me as much as I will be about him.
What if you're not crazy about me? Do we have to maintain equal amounts of crazy?
37. …will not make me feel dumb or childish.
If you act a fool, I will tease you like a fool.
38. …will appreciate the art of foreplay.
I'm the Van Gogh of foreplay.
39. …will not try to teach me when I didn’t ask to be taught.
Try not to be dumb?
40. …will wear plaid well.
Noone wears plaid well.
41. …will want to go to sleep at night with me, and wake up beside me in the mornings, not on the couch.
Um, the couch or curled up with a cute dame? This is sort of a given.
42. …will have sex with his eyes open, most of the time.
Only if I can take in the beauty of your naked body?
43. …will appreciate my efforts to try new things.
Sure....
44. …will talk to me when something bothers him.
Sure...
45. …will love me for me-faults, imperfections and all-and love me all the more for them.
Can-do
46. …will continually surprise me.
Uhh probably can't do.
47. …will lovingly accept my neurosis.
Will tease you for them.
48. …will have the ‘we’ team mentality.
If I'm shirts you're skins ;)
49. …will stay with me through joy and pain.
Like righteous pain.
50. …will have a backbone in the relationship and not be afraid to tell me ‘no.’
No!
51. …will be a great kisser.
Will try?
52. …will have a great sense of humor, but know when to be serious.
Of course, NOT!
53. …will be more passionate in random moments.
Passion's my middle name! Actually it's John. You know what I mean though.
54. …will know who he is as a person and be honest about that.
I is the blondie!
55. …will think I’m HOT, not just cute.
No, ovens are hot, stars are hot, motorcycle seats get hot, you... you're gorgeous.
Whoo this almost became "To" someone
56. …will treat me as well as my friends do.
If your friends can treat you well.
57. …will be able to laugh at himself.
Have you seen this mug? My mother laughs at me.
58. …will have a regular sized temper than does not super-size itself randomly.
My temper is below average proportions.
59. …will kiss me passionately every once and a while.
Will kiss passionately everywhile.
60. …will give me space.
Unless I'm kissing passionately.
61. …will not have a fixation with his ex.
She's sort of a butt.
62. …will not make me feel like I’m only second best.
Second best? Nah, third maybe...
63. …will be able to think more than two day in the future.
Put forth effort?
64. …will not go to bed at 9:30 pm.
Will not stay up on LJ at 2:30 in the morning?
65. …will have a good spiritual connection, but not enough to make me think he may want to be a priest.
Uhhhhhhh no...
66. …will want a family.
Uhhhhhhh maybe...
67. …will know what a commitment is and follow up that knowledge with actions that support it.
I know what the definition of commitment is...
68. …will understand that relationships aren’t all perfect, and that sometimes fighting can resolve difficult issues.
Nothing a broken nose won't fix?
69. …will like going out on a week night sometimes, rather than just watching TV.
Probably not
70. …will be responsible with money.
Kinda sorta
71. …will get more satisfaction than dissatisfaction from his job.
Yeah how bout no
72. …will appreciate that my child is my number one priority.
Will appreciate that it is either "our" child or "your ex's" child, and will behave accordingly.
73. …will be able to deal with my pet.
Kick over fence?
74. …will talk dirty.
Oh yeah? You like it when I talk nerdy? 3.14 is the shorthand numerical representation of PI... Ohh yeahhh!
75. …will be confident in himself, but not egotistical.
Walk like a god, and your goddess will come to you.
76. …won’t have an extensive and publicly known porn collection.
I have no porn collection! You can find better stuff online for free.
77. …will trust me.
Unless you prove yourself to be untrustworthy.
78. …will be more interested in sex because he wants to be with me, not because it’s sex and he just wants it.
Well the point of sex is to be with the person you're having it with. If it's the other way, well that's what hookers are for!
79. …will love wine.
Nope
80. …will take out the trash and happily do the dishes.
Happily? Are you a drone? Oh you're not? Well guess what... I'm not either.
81. ...will not take himself so seriously.
My answer to the above question makes me think this question has a point.
82. ...will not beat a dead horse of a conversation when we disagree, and try to strong arm to prove he is right
Strong arm *grr*
83. ...will not be selfish with his love when things don’t go his way.
My love! Joo can't have it!
84. ...will say he’s open minded and actually mean it
How about just being open minded? Like do I have to say it? Is it one of the prerequisites?
85. …won’t judge me by my past relationships.
I will judge your exes though.
86. …will not remind me of how hot girls are that are the complete opposite of me.
Well some girls are only fun to stare at... those are the ones I DON'T date.
87. …will not push anal sex on me every time I’m on my period.
Hahahaha I lol'ed, Um, okay?
88. …will have sex with me while I’m on my period.
Takes a brave man to wade the red seas.
89. …will have already installed the filter that lets him know when not to say inappropriate, offensive things in
front of me.
You will also have installed the filter that makes you not say dumb things by this time too right?
90. …will love that I have such a big heart.
Should probably get that looked at by a doctor.
91. …will be smart but not snide.
You're not supposed to use an ellipsis at the beginning of a sentence, and you didn't capitalize.
92. …will not have friends of the opposite sex who aren’t just friends.
If it's a pre-existing relationship, as long as there is no hiding of the rainbow roll going on, there should be no problem.
93. …will love that I’m independent.
Which you are, until you need to move something heavy.
94. …will be okay with little displays of affection such as holding hands.
I live for that shit.
95. …will not be in trouble with the law.
Well there was that time with the mailboxes.
96. …will like to go down on me.
I stand corrected, I live for THAT shit!
97. …will not spend engagement-ring money on a Skeeball lane for his basement.
Will not cheapen our relationship with petty jewelry you'll show off to your friends.
98. …will VOTE and not make excuses about why he chooses not to vote.
Well duh.
99. …will NOT be a manorexic gym fanatic.
I'm 215 pounds, far from manorexic
100. …will stand up for me if someone unexpectedly attacks me, verbally or otherwise, and ask questions later.
Maybe one or two questions first, "Are you a cop?" "Are you mentally handicapped?" Both of those questions would be good ones to ask first.