i wanna be depressed cause when im depressed im the only one who gets hurt.
okay so i have something unimportant to say. problem is i cant say it out loud but really need to. i can't say it out loud cause theres no one here to listen to me...and phone convos dont work as well. but its not important enough to get all work up over just yet. so fuck i'm reduced to this. herein lies the problem. i dont want a certain person to read this. because i know he'll take it personally and i dont mean it to be that way. im just venting. its not meant to hurt him or anyone else. and i dont like that i feel like i cant post what i want in my own journal because some one's feelings may or may not get hurt. so i say this now:
love do not read this. please do not read this.
i'd make it private, but i dont want to. then i'd feel bad cause im hiding stuff from him. and i do want someone to read this, just not him. i know that’s terrible but what the fuck can i say. apparently nothing. so here goes.
my rant for today: fucking hell...i was just told that i didn't have to go tomorrow. to what, i haven't a clue. i was supposed to help my aunts friend out and then she calls me and tells me its okay i dont have to go. so fuck her and fuck u to. no what. i feel like being depressed. and that’s not good and im scarred because of it. and i just dont want to hurt anyone cause i'm really feeling the need to right now. i dunno why everything is just going to good right now. i need to make someone hate me. i need to make someone cry. but eric wants me to try and not be mean. but u know what. i wanna be mean. i like being mean. i dont like listening and dont know why i am listening to him. i have no reason to. love isnt a reason. trust isnt a reason. fuck, there is no reason. and if this is posted then he might read this and then who the fuck knows whats gonna happen. but this is in a cut and i said for him not to read it. i dont know if he'll listen to me. fuck why should he? no what i should do...join or start a rpg...at weed web or something...cause right now i'm feelin like i could cause a whole shitload of drama for anyone to run a plot off of. but no what this is fucked up. and if ur reading this eric...i asked you not to. this is me venting. i would ask you not to take it personally but if ur reading this i know you will. but dont anyway. i needed to post. i dont want to have to get another journal just so you cant read what i write. i just wanted to vent. and fuck this im not explaining myself to no one damnit. if i wanna post how i feel then i fucking will. i just dont want to hurt you. i know i'm gonna again though. i know i will. this is why its so surprising that its been 3 months. i dont like relationships lasting this long. its getting weird for me. no im not breaking up with you...im not a bitch...i'd do that in person or at least on the phone. i just wanna be depressed again. you're stopping me from being depressed, which should be a good thing, but its not. im getting short with everyone and i dont know why. i need to take this anger out on someone. but no ones here. i need something to occupy my time. but theres nothing to do. and me not being able to be depressed is making me angry. im bipolar, mood swings for me are a bitch and are drastic. right now i sitting in front of my fucking computer pissed for no god damn reason and i'm taking it out on my loving boyfriend and he doesn't deserve this and i can only hope he realizes im just venting and i dont mean anything and i should be saying im sorry but im not gonna cause im just in one of those moods and my fingers are flying and im thinking to myself this is one long as run on sentence. and that, THAT, is the only thing that has brought a smile to my face.
that said...i wanna start or join an rp
love do not read this. please do not read this.
i'd make it private, but i dont want to. then i'd feel bad cause im hiding stuff from him. and i do want someone to read this, just not him. i know that’s terrible but what the fuck can i say. apparently nothing. so here goes.
my rant for today: fucking hell...i was just told that i didn't have to go tomorrow. to what, i haven't a clue. i was supposed to help my aunts friend out and then she calls me and tells me its okay i dont have to go. so fuck her and fuck u to. no what. i feel like being depressed. and that’s not good and im scarred because of it. and i just dont want to hurt anyone cause i'm really feeling the need to right now. i dunno why everything is just going to good right now. i need to make someone hate me. i need to make someone cry. but eric wants me to try and not be mean. but u know what. i wanna be mean. i like being mean. i dont like listening and dont know why i am listening to him. i have no reason to. love isnt a reason. trust isnt a reason. fuck, there is no reason. and if this is posted then he might read this and then who the fuck knows whats gonna happen. but this is in a cut and i said for him not to read it. i dont know if he'll listen to me. fuck why should he? no what i should do...join or start a rpg...at weed web or something...cause right now i'm feelin like i could cause a whole shitload of drama for anyone to run a plot off of. but no what this is fucked up. and if ur reading this eric...i asked you not to. this is me venting. i would ask you not to take it personally but if ur reading this i know you will. but dont anyway. i needed to post. i dont want to have to get another journal just so you cant read what i write. i just wanted to vent. and fuck this im not explaining myself to no one damnit. if i wanna post how i feel then i fucking will. i just dont want to hurt you. i know i'm gonna again though. i know i will. this is why its so surprising that its been 3 months. i dont like relationships lasting this long. its getting weird for me. no im not breaking up with you...im not a bitch...i'd do that in person or at least on the phone. i just wanna be depressed again. you're stopping me from being depressed, which should be a good thing, but its not. im getting short with everyone and i dont know why. i need to take this anger out on someone. but no ones here. i need something to occupy my time. but theres nothing to do. and me not being able to be depressed is making me angry. im bipolar, mood swings for me are a bitch and are drastic. right now i sitting in front of my fucking computer pissed for no god damn reason and i'm taking it out on my loving boyfriend and he doesn't deserve this and i can only hope he realizes im just venting and i dont mean anything and i should be saying im sorry but im not gonna cause im just in one of those moods and my fingers are flying and im thinking to myself this is one long as run on sentence. and that, THAT, is the only thing that has brought a smile to my face.
that said...i wanna start or join an rp