way too cramped
Well, there's a lot to say and yet at the same time nothing at all.
Tomorrow is D day. I go and see the specialist tomorrow and find out if I need to change and rearrange everything that I had set and settled for. No matter what he says, I'll never be able to do hair behind the chair for full time ever again. So that means, the job I thought was secure and I was in for the long haul is thrown out the window. It means looking for work again. It means possibly going back to school. It means that all my plans mean shit. It makes sacrifices I've made seem meaningless. I guess you get the picture.
*sighs*
After physio in oct I just stayed in, didn't want to talk or see anyone. I pretty much became a hermit, only going outside when I absolutely had to. But then, I had to force myself to go out, to see people, force myself because the other option was not a very good one. If I didn't, I would have fallen into very bad habits again. After all these years, after being able to stop the self injuring, I really, really wanted that escape again. Badly. But thankfully I seemed to be a little stronger this time, cause this time I was able to find something else to distract myself whenever that happened. It's been awhile since things have seemed this bad, but then again, I was beginning to settle in and get a little to comfortable with where I was.
At times, I almost feel cheated. I gave up the hope of going away to school and chose the fastest and least expensive schooling so I could make money fast to give it back to the house. So I could help support and make things easier for my dad.
I feel almost a little lost now. I settled for hairstyling. It wasn't my first choice, but I enjoyed doing it and I seemed to be pretty good at it. But after the accident I could see that my attitude changed. I've never been a people person or overly social, and it was starting to get to me. I was getting snappy again and taking things out on people that I shouldn't be. It even came to the point where my wonderful boss (who acts very motherly) asked me if I thought I was depressed and needed medication. If only she realized how close she hit the nail.
Living with pain definately changes who you are and how you think. I know now that if I want to go away or do something overly active, even going on a day trip, that I will end up paying for it after.
I dunno. I thought I was done having to worry about what I was going to do, where I was going to work, where I was gonna go to school. But it seems I've been thrown back and have to restart everything.
Well, I find out mostly everything tomorrow. I might not find out the full story with the shoulder until the new year because I have my MRI for it at the end of december.
peace
Tomorrow is D day. I go and see the specialist tomorrow and find out if I need to change and rearrange everything that I had set and settled for. No matter what he says, I'll never be able to do hair behind the chair for full time ever again. So that means, the job I thought was secure and I was in for the long haul is thrown out the window. It means looking for work again. It means possibly going back to school. It means that all my plans mean shit. It makes sacrifices I've made seem meaningless. I guess you get the picture.
*sighs*
After physio in oct I just stayed in, didn't want to talk or see anyone. I pretty much became a hermit, only going outside when I absolutely had to. But then, I had to force myself to go out, to see people, force myself because the other option was not a very good one. If I didn't, I would have fallen into very bad habits again. After all these years, after being able to stop the self injuring, I really, really wanted that escape again. Badly. But thankfully I seemed to be a little stronger this time, cause this time I was able to find something else to distract myself whenever that happened. It's been awhile since things have seemed this bad, but then again, I was beginning to settle in and get a little to comfortable with where I was.
At times, I almost feel cheated. I gave up the hope of going away to school and chose the fastest and least expensive schooling so I could make money fast to give it back to the house. So I could help support and make things easier for my dad.
I feel almost a little lost now. I settled for hairstyling. It wasn't my first choice, but I enjoyed doing it and I seemed to be pretty good at it. But after the accident I could see that my attitude changed. I've never been a people person or overly social, and it was starting to get to me. I was getting snappy again and taking things out on people that I shouldn't be. It even came to the point where my wonderful boss (who acts very motherly) asked me if I thought I was depressed and needed medication. If only she realized how close she hit the nail.
Living with pain definately changes who you are and how you think. I know now that if I want to go away or do something overly active, even going on a day trip, that I will end up paying for it after.
I dunno. I thought I was done having to worry about what I was going to do, where I was going to work, where I was gonna go to school. But it seems I've been thrown back and have to restart everything.
Well, I find out mostly everything tomorrow. I might not find out the full story with the shoulder until the new year because I have my MRI for it at the end of december.
peace