(no subject)
Since I have nothing to do today I decided to sit here and update this stupid fucking thing with stupid fucking shit that doesn't even fucking matter. Or maybe it does, but it isn't about a specific person, or situation, or anything, it's just generally speaking.
I can't decided whether I'd rather be around people, or be alone. Why is it that everytime you meet someone who you can finally relate to, whether it be a best friend, a boyfriend, anything theres always some sort of problem, or they just change, or leave. It's funny how you dont realize how much of a part someone plays in your life, how much you really depend on them, until you're fucking sitting home with nothing to do, and wondering why. & it's not even like you can let yourself get that mad, because thats what happens. Thats what people do, they change. They leave. They disapoint you. It's times like those when you wish just for a second certain people could just get into your head. For just that second know what you're thinking, and exactly what you're sitting there hoping they'll do, or say. Hoping they'll just surprise you, or be there exactly when you need them, even if you need them all the time, at a time when you really need them, or do something unpredictable, even if its hard even if it takes all your fucking effort, because thats what makes it so fucking special, or to tell you exactly what you want to hear, even if its not the truth. Sometimes your actions have to speak louder than your words. Sometimes you have to SHOW that you're sorry instead of just saying it to people. Just stop sitting around hating the situation you're in, stop blaming people, because blaming other people isn't going to make it better, hating other people isn't going to make you love yourself more so stop making excuses and just do something about it. Life isn't easy everyday isn't going to be summer, no matter how much you want it to be, and it took me a while to realize that. I have such simple solutions to problems. & it's so hard for me to understand why everyone else doesn't look at things that way. If you want something, just get it, if you want to do something, just do it, even if it isn't easy, nothings going to be that easy, but thats the whole point of life, thats what makes things that are hard so worth it. And it's incredible how being 15 minutes away from a person always ends up seeming like they're a whole world away.
So tonight I might go to Friendl'ys, or maybe out with my parents, or maybe I'm going to stay home, but whatever I do, I'm going to clean, and read, and paint, and watch movies that make you get happy, and sad at the same time, because you cant help but smile at happy endings, but you wonder if your ending will turn out just as happy. I'm still debating on whether or not to turn off my phone, but I don't think I will, because needless to say, I need to hear you atleast once a day but maybe I wont end up doing that even if my phone is on.
Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it.
Once on a piece of paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
and left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.
Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly.
That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could reach the kitchen.
- The Perks of Being a Wallflower
I walk around the school hallways,
And look at the people.
I look at the teachers,
And wonder why they're here.
If they like their jobs,
Or us.
And I wonder how smart they were
When they were fifteen.
Not in a mean way.
In a curious way.
Its like looking at all the students
and wondering:
Who's had their heart broken that day.
And how they are able to cope
With having 3 quizzes
And a book report due on top of that.
Or wondering who did the heartbreaking.
And wondering Why.
- The Perks of Being a Wallflower.