Uhhh...

Mar 19, 2007 11:25

Right. So things have shifted yet again, and I'm happy to be in a whole new space.
The party was... allright... Not what I wanted. But I was in a much better mood, courtesy of a crazy conversation I had at with Josh half an hour before the party. We've talked a few times since the break up last weekend, but never fulfillingly-- always empty sentiments, and whenever I brought up my feelings, he changed the subject. Literally. Like, to the weather. {insert scream of frustration}.

So for this recent conversation, things shifted. He actually talked about his feelings, and listened to me talk about mine. He acknowledged me. He talked about how hard this is for him, and how unsure he is. How nothing is ever 100%. He said that the difference between us is that I wake up with new revelations, constantly analyzing my life, and he wakes up and thinks that maybe he'll take a shit that day. He actually said that! And it is SO TRUE!

I know it could read as if this were a manipulative conversation, passive agressive, push pull, etc. But you'll have to trust me. It wasn't. It was sweet and acknowledging. It was tender and normal. It wasn't too sad.

I think this is the bottom line: he feels able to reach out and act normal now that he has officially alleviated himself of dealing with my emotions. Given that he won't take responsibility for his part of things, and given that his reason for dumping me was that he was tired of hurting me... given all that, now he can act normally with me again because it's not his fault if I have a bad day.

Which is, it doesn't escape me, mind numbingly immature.

But it is also interesting, and not sad. I like the not sad part.

And it serves as a perfect reminder that nothing is black and white, and it ain't over til the fat lady sings.
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