(no subject)
...
I still don't know what's going on. I still don't know what I feel. I've stopped feeling all fuzzy and dizzy now - some decent sleep seems to have dealt with that, but everything else...it just keeps sneaking back up on me. It's almost like I keep forgetting I exist. Or more like I cease to believe that I exist. When that feeling comes over me the only thing that can bring me back is contact with someone; more specifically contact with Len or Bill. If one of them takes my hand, or takes me into a hug, I can almost begin to feel real again.
Everything to do with Carolyn continues to overwhelm me. I can't help it, the smallest things will trigger a rush of memories and suddenly it's like I can hardly move for seeing her. Yesterday Bill took me out to lunch, after we'd been shopping, and he took me to Johnny Rockets. I appreciated it, I did really, we used to go there every so often back in the day. It reminded us of when we were young, I think. I could only think of Carolyn. Of those days back when we were young and our marriage was still new and we would go out to a little diner out on the interstate just sit, and eat and talk and look into each other's eyes. It was perfect.
Root beer float.
I don't know what made me order it. I don't even like it, but it was there on the menu and suddenly the order was out of my mouth. Carolyn always used to have a root beer float. I think I got rather depressed again, and poor Bill, it fell to him to deal with it again. He's surprisingly comforting actually. Either that new wife of his, or Leonard, have managed to mellow him in these last ten years. But you can tell he doesn't quite know what to do. So he hugs me, or grabs my hand. Which is enough, really. I don't know what else he could say.
I got him to talk to me about whatever is going on between him and Len. Not that it's not obvious. Any fool can see it. Except those two, apparently. Maybe some of what I said got through to Bill, I don't know. It made me depressed again though. Because, look, I've just come back. From the dead, no point beating around it. I was dead for ten years, and they learnt to get by without me. I'm back, and suddenly they have to involve me again. I just feel like some dreadful intruder peering in on an intimate pairing. I know they were always Bill and Len, and then there was Bill, Len and De as well, but it just feels like Bill, Len and De got lost somewhere along the way and it's just Bill and Len left now. Bill tried to reassure me that they would never feel like that, that they both cared deeply about me and were happy that I was back.
But the fact remains that they have each other.
And I have no-one.
Oh, Carolyn. I'm so lost without you.
[OOC - I was searching for more images of DeForest on Google and fell upon some memoirs of him by friends and fans and oh dear lord, I cried. I swear, the more I read about this man the more I love him, and the more I want to do right by this character. ILU, De. *hugs*]
I still don't know what's going on. I still don't know what I feel. I've stopped feeling all fuzzy and dizzy now - some decent sleep seems to have dealt with that, but everything else...it just keeps sneaking back up on me. It's almost like I keep forgetting I exist. Or more like I cease to believe that I exist. When that feeling comes over me the only thing that can bring me back is contact with someone; more specifically contact with Len or Bill. If one of them takes my hand, or takes me into a hug, I can almost begin to feel real again.
Everything to do with Carolyn continues to overwhelm me. I can't help it, the smallest things will trigger a rush of memories and suddenly it's like I can hardly move for seeing her. Yesterday Bill took me out to lunch, after we'd been shopping, and he took me to Johnny Rockets. I appreciated it, I did really, we used to go there every so often back in the day. It reminded us of when we were young, I think. I could only think of Carolyn. Of those days back when we were young and our marriage was still new and we would go out to a little diner out on the interstate just sit, and eat and talk and look into each other's eyes. It was perfect.
Root beer float.
I don't know what made me order it. I don't even like it, but it was there on the menu and suddenly the order was out of my mouth. Carolyn always used to have a root beer float. I think I got rather depressed again, and poor Bill, it fell to him to deal with it again. He's surprisingly comforting actually. Either that new wife of his, or Leonard, have managed to mellow him in these last ten years. But you can tell he doesn't quite know what to do. So he hugs me, or grabs my hand. Which is enough, really. I don't know what else he could say.
I got him to talk to me about whatever is going on between him and Len. Not that it's not obvious. Any fool can see it. Except those two, apparently. Maybe some of what I said got through to Bill, I don't know. It made me depressed again though. Because, look, I've just come back. From the dead, no point beating around it. I was dead for ten years, and they learnt to get by without me. I'm back, and suddenly they have to involve me again. I just feel like some dreadful intruder peering in on an intimate pairing. I know they were always Bill and Len, and then there was Bill, Len and De as well, but it just feels like Bill, Len and De got lost somewhere along the way and it's just Bill and Len left now. Bill tried to reassure me that they would never feel like that, that they both cared deeply about me and were happy that I was back.
But the fact remains that they have each other.
And I have no-one.
Oh, Carolyn. I'm so lost without you.
[OOC - I was searching for more images of DeForest on Google and fell upon some memoirs of him by friends and fans and oh dear lord, I cried. I swear, the more I read about this man the more I love him, and the more I want to do right by this character. ILU, De. *hugs*]