This is the sound of my soul...
Dear Heart,
I sincerely apologize for failing you. I have not protected you and kept you safe like I should have. Because of this, you have been left to wander and explore on your own, getting carried away with the foreign emotions you have been feeling. You have gone to this place that I have never been to before, and now I'm terrified that I won't be able to protect you or fix you should things go awry. I'm sorry. I love you.
Yours always,
Shawna
Alright, in the beginning, I protected my heart from getting too carried away. I had already been through a few LDR's and they weren't ideal. They were painful when they ended, they were difficult to maintain, and I didn't want to exert that much effort for someone that I was unsure if I would ever see. I tried to reason with myself that If I wanted to be with him, then I would have to meet him first and we would spend time together, face to face; become comfortable with each other physically, before I committed to anything.
That worked for a while, but for the past two months, I haven't been shielding my heart like I should have and now I can't bring it back. I love him. I love him and it scares me because I haven't felt these emotions, these feelings, I haven't had these thoughts for any other guy before. Not even Phil.I've always been in control of my feelings. If I grew feelings for someone, it was because I allowed it to happen.
With Efrain, it's like my heart is a balloon that slipped out of my fingers. I tried grabbing it, tried reeling it back in, but it was too late; I couldn't control it. I love him so much and I want so much for him to be happy. I want to be with him, but at the same time, I'm so scared that I'm going to screw it up. I'm terrified of losing him. I can't even think of it.
I've also looked where I shouldn't have. I read up on his myspace and livejournal and I shouldn't have because I know who he has feelings for. Well, who he -used- to have feelings for, and I'm not sure if he still does. That intimidates me because I wouldn't know how to compete. I don't know how he still feels about those girls. What if one of them decides that they want to be with him? Will he just decide to be with them? Then I'm left out in the cold. He's been asking me basically the same thing lately. What if someone here wants to be with me, and I keep telling him that I only want to be with him, but what if he does it to me? I've never been this insecure and scared over someone before. I don't even know what to do with myself.
I hate this. He makes me so happy. I talk to him, and things are wonderful, and then I start thinking again, making myself insecure over things that are old. I can't help it though, I know how I get when I start thinking of the past. That one moment of wonder, of doubt, that one split second-lapse in judgment and it'll be over. I don't want that, how do I prevent that?
I sincerely apologize for failing you. I have not protected you and kept you safe like I should have. Because of this, you have been left to wander and explore on your own, getting carried away with the foreign emotions you have been feeling. You have gone to this place that I have never been to before, and now I'm terrified that I won't be able to protect you or fix you should things go awry. I'm sorry. I love you.
Yours always,
Shawna
Alright, in the beginning, I protected my heart from getting too carried away. I had already been through a few LDR's and they weren't ideal. They were painful when they ended, they were difficult to maintain, and I didn't want to exert that much effort for someone that I was unsure if I would ever see. I tried to reason with myself that If I wanted to be with him, then I would have to meet him first and we would spend time together, face to face; become comfortable with each other physically, before I committed to anything.
That worked for a while, but for the past two months, I haven't been shielding my heart like I should have and now I can't bring it back. I love him. I love him and it scares me because I haven't felt these emotions, these feelings, I haven't had these thoughts for any other guy before. Not even Phil.I've always been in control of my feelings. If I grew feelings for someone, it was because I allowed it to happen.
With Efrain, it's like my heart is a balloon that slipped out of my fingers. I tried grabbing it, tried reeling it back in, but it was too late; I couldn't control it. I love him so much and I want so much for him to be happy. I want to be with him, but at the same time, I'm so scared that I'm going to screw it up. I'm terrified of losing him. I can't even think of it.
I've also looked where I shouldn't have. I read up on his myspace and livejournal and I shouldn't have because I know who he has feelings for. Well, who he -used- to have feelings for, and I'm not sure if he still does. That intimidates me because I wouldn't know how to compete. I don't know how he still feels about those girls. What if one of them decides that they want to be with him? Will he just decide to be with them? Then I'm left out in the cold. He's been asking me basically the same thing lately. What if someone here wants to be with me, and I keep telling him that I only want to be with him, but what if he does it to me? I've never been this insecure and scared over someone before. I don't even know what to do with myself.
I hate this. He makes me so happy. I talk to him, and things are wonderful, and then I start thinking again, making myself insecure over things that are old. I can't help it though, I know how I get when I start thinking of the past. That one moment of wonder, of doubt, that one split second-lapse in judgment and it'll be over. I don't want that, how do I prevent that?