[Len's Garden]

[de_forest]

When De had woken up that morning, he felt somewhat happier and calmer than he had done for the past couple of days.

It wasn't as though everything was back to normal, it wasn't as though everything was how he remembered, and how he wanted it to be, but somehow it was getting there and De suspected it had everything to do with the tender scene he

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[de_forest]

De sighed, carefully sitting down on the grass next to Len. "Lots of times, Len, far too many to count. But I don't want you to keep things from me just because you think I might break. I won't break Len, honestly. Because if anything's keeping me going right now, keeping me from cracking under all of this not Dead business and...and..not having Carolyn by my side, it's you and Bill. It's having you two here with me." He paused. "And it's knowing that you two are...ok, because without that, there just isn't Bill-and-Len-and-De, it's just all wrong, and it's felt wrong since I've got back, it's not the same, and that's stupid because I can't expect it to be the same, after all you've had ten years to live without me, but I thought that nothing would have changed, but it has, and Bill keeps trying to tell me that nothing will be different, but it is, and there's all this tension between you..." De tailed off, slightly out of breath. He sat there, trying to steady himself, before blurting out "Sorry Len, sorry, I'm sorry, I shouldn't go on like this at you. I doubt I even make sense."

[len_not_spock]

"Dont be sorry, please," Leonard said gently, before drawing De into a tight hug. "Look, if anyone should be sorry, it should be me, after all I set this whole mess with Bill off to begin with."

He withdrew then, but kept both hands on De's shoulders, firm, reassuring, somehow sensing that his friend needed that kind of affirmation of reality right now.

"Look, are you sure there aren't any specific questions you want to ask me? Other than whether Bill and I will be ok, because while by God I hope so, I can't predict the future, unfortunately." He smiled, a little sadly. "But if there's anything else you want to know, anything that confuses you because you've only heard Bill's side of this so far... please ask?"

[de_forest]

De sighed as Len broke the hug. It was true that nothing made him feel as comfortable right now as hugs from his two friends. It somehow made everything feel...almost normal.

"I hope you will be as well. I hope we be as well. I mean, just tell me that we still are Bill-and-Len-and-De? That hasn't changed has it? Me coming back and sudddently having me around again, that's ok?" He looked at Len with a sad sort of hopefulness in his eyes, before a glint, a hint of his habitual wit, humour and teasing nature appeared there as well.

"Do you love him? Bill said that was what you said. Do you love him?"

[len_not_spock]

"Don't be stupid, De," Len said, squeezing the top of his arm fiercely, suddenly awash at how good it was to have De back like this. "It's more than ok. It's fantastic. Maybe that's selfish of me, but you have no idea how much I've missed you for the last ten years. How much we've missed you. You're..." he struggled for words momentarily, "you're De, and no matter what happens, we'll always be Bill-and-Len-and-De in some way. It's just... us."

Alright, so now he was rambling, and he knew the reason all too well: he was putting off saying it. He'd told Bill, true, but he'd typed it, written it, the actual words never having made their way past his lips. But there was no way around this, and perhaps there shouldn't be.

"And as for your other question, well, yes." Oh fuck it, was he really that chicken, that scared to hear it out loud? He sat up straight, shoulders back, and looked De in the eye. "I love Bill. I'm in love with Bill, De. Curse my stupid heart, but I'm head over heels, foolishly, madly in love with that man." He broke eyecontact then, unable to stand it any longer. "Have been for ages, really," he added, more softly. The chuckle that escaped him was a little rough round the edges and more than a little self-depricating. "I mean, can you believe it?" he said, looking down at the grass in front of him, "Almost forty-three years I've been in love with him, and up till now, I've never once said it out loud. Susan knows, I think," a deep breath, "but I never once told even her. But she knows me so well, she just... knows, you know?"

[de_forest]

He couldn't say anything. He literally couldn't say anything. Something was building up inside of him and he couldn't stop it, he couldn't stop the feeling from overwhelming him.

"Oh, Len," he finally managed to breathe, before pressing himself into Len's arms and burying his face into Len's shoulder. His breath felt hot and tight in his throat and he felt the familiar sting of tears prick the corners of his eyes. "I've missed you too," he whispered, "or, I would have done," he said with a slight laugh, "if I'd known I was gone." He sniffed, hiding in Len's arms.

He spoke again, his voice somewhat muffled by his proximity to Len, "And I know. I know you do. Well, I knew you did. I...just couldn't tell when I...came back. You seemed different. But you do, and Len," he raised his head slightly, wet eyes looking deep into Len's, "Len, I'm so glad that you do. I was so worried."

[len_not_spock]

Len couldn't make sense out of half of what De was saying, the man seemed so overwhelmed. So he just held him, tightly, offering physical comfort at least.

"I'm not sure I'm glad," he murmured quietly, unsure whether De would even hear it."

[de_forest]

De sat there, happy to be encased in Len's arms and comfortable with the silence between them. Perhaps he could forget all of the pain and worry of this reality and instead lose himself in Len, in happy memories. He couldn't stay like this forever, he forced himself to consider. Nice as it was. Safe as it made him feel.

Reluctantly, he pulled away from Len's grasp and straightened his back. "Are you going to do anything about it? If you feel that deeply, that in love, Len, then please tell me you're doing something about it." A love like yours, this all encompassing love, that tender love that I saw last night...don't throw it away, Len he wanted to say, but he didn't. He didn't want to tell Len he'd seen the two of them asleep in each other's arms and that he could tell. He didn't really know what Len would make of it, or what Len would say if he told him.

[len_not_spock]

"What am I supposed to do, De?" Len asked, feeling mildly exasperated, but mostly lost.

"I just... I mean, I told him. It was probably inadvisable to do so in the first place, but I did, and I'm not even sure anymore I want to take it back. But Bill... well, he's obviously confused about things. And I don't think it would help matters much if I went and jumped him, at least not whilst he's still figuring things out. If that even is what he's doing."

He shook his head, defeated.

"I mean, the last thing I want to do right now is do anything that could possibly make this worse than it already is. Does that make sense?"

[[OOC - Oh dear, I think we need Bill to step in here, or De's going to read Len the riot act, and then things will spiral out of control.]]

[de_forest]

[OOC - Yes, please, because De is having a very very hard time right now thinking of things to say other than HE LOVES YOU you idiot, you love each other, damnit, go and kiss him right now. And I don't really want him to say that, cos he doesn't want to step on Len's toes...]

"You're not going to make it any worse, Len," said De, his heart melting at his friend's obvious confusion. "I promise you, you're not." He tried to hold back from saying more, he didn't think it was his place to..well..explain that the love they had for each other was shared.

"You just need to love him, Len. Love him and it'll all be ok."

[len_not_spock]

"I wish I could have the same kind of faith in that as you do, De," he took a sip from his coffee, still plesantly warm as it ran down the inside of his throat.

"I'm just not entirely sure whether Bill isn't just trying to comfort me in his own, special way. I mean, if he returned my feelings, he would have kissed me this morning, right? After all, we did wake up together in bed, so if there was ever a chance. But instead he just... drew away with this strange expression on his face that could have meant so many things, and... I don't know."

[de_forest]

De must have misheard Len.

Must have done. Because Len was saying that he didn't think Bill wanted to kiss him.

De didn't know how Len, the Len that he knew, the Len that knew the answers and could work everything out and just knew what was needed, he didn't know how Len could have misread this whole situation so spectacularly badly. He couldn't take it any more.

"Len. Len, how can you not know...can't you..." De broke off suddenly, hearing Bill's voice calling them from across the garden, moving closer.

[canadianbill]

"Guys?"

Bill pottered out into the garden, glancing about him for his friends. They seemed to have disappeared without him, and Bill rather disapproved of this behaviour. "Guys? What are you doing out here?"

[de_forest]

De's voice seemed to have deserted him. He just stood there, staring at Len, his mouth still open. He didn't know what to say, how to reply to Bill. He was about to tell Len that Bill loved him. That Len needed to kiss Bill.

But Bill's arrival had hit the comment out of him.

[canadianbill]

Bill raised an eyebrow. "De? You look like someone just hit you over the head with something heavy." He looked at Len. "What's going on?"

[len_not_spock]

"Nothing important," Len answered, getting up from the ground, although he couldn't keep from shooting a worried glance in De's direction. What had he been about to tell him?

In any case, it didn't matter.

"You alright?" he questioned Bill with a warm smile.

[canadianbill]

"Sure," said Bill, as casually as possible, and smiled back. The sun was behind Leonard, gilting his hair, casting his eyes into soft, warm shadow. Bill wanted to pull him close by the nape of the neck, and kiss him till he couldn't breathe. Instead, he said, "It's nice, the three of us out in your garden like this. Almost like old times."