A few hours later...
I feel better. No more being sick. And I talked to coworker/friend Tommy. Rad Chris at Showmars (as opposed to Bastard Chris at Petsmart) isn't upset too much, apparently the people who pick up the phone at Showmars have a notoriously bad habit of NOT taking messages. I now have Rad Chris' cell number, to call in case of emergency like this morning. I'm sticking it out at Petsmart this weekend so those people can't mess up my life in the indeterminate future. My placement tests at CP tomorrow are going to rock, I'm going to be smart and remember things and test out of lower-level classes. I am going to finish my two-year degree at CP in three semesters or less. I am going to keep this full-time job at Showmars. I am going to continue on, to some school somewhere, hopefully to round things out as a language major and a business minor, to give me something to do with all these words in my head. Or maybe I'll end up becoming a teacher. Who knows, with my mind the way it is? Perhaps things will finally end up coming out right and I'll get all those stories inside my head out and on paper and printed for people that aren't me to see. Maybe I'll regain that conviction that everything is okay and that there's that one special person that loves me and that's nothing to feel guilty about and I will be happy with my body and my mind and my life. Maybe I'll make enough money for AZ and AMA and to see all the people that I want to see and to be all the people that I want to be, because really, it all comes back to money in the end, doesn't it? It all comes back to the give and take. I want to give everything I have to you. All of you. Even the yous I don't know. Maybe in giving up everything of myself, giving everything there is to give, I'll find the one part that can't be taken away. Maybe I can finally find that one piece of me that keeps me going even when everything seems to break inside, when everything falls apart and I can't seem to fix any of it. I want to fix it. I want to fix me. I want everything to be okay and to be right and I want to stop giving everything away until there's no part left for me. There isn't any me left for me, I don't think. I can't really tell. It all just feels empty inside. Is this outside bit the only part that's really mine? Even that isn't. It's constantly betraying me at every step of the way. Really, if I can't count on myself, who am I going to count on? There's really nowhere else for me to go.
I have to remember me. Otherwise, everything else means nothing. Others' memories of me mean nothing if I don't remember myself. Memories fade, change, constantly. Nothing ever stays the same in thought or in form or in intent. Maybe I'm nothing more than a memory.
Isn't there some part that's mine to keep?
I give to everyone, no strings attached. And when they go their separate ways, I tell them to keep it. You can't take what is freely given, right? Give and ye shall recieve, and all that? No...Give. Give, give, give some more, until finally you realize that the piece that you're holding out in your open hands, the piece they're touching, the piece they're walking away with, that piece was the last one holding you together. There's nothing left anymore. You just fade away, and eventually all those pieces slowly fade as well, and there's nothing left of you.
Not even a memory.
I have to remember me. Otherwise, everything else means nothing. Others' memories of me mean nothing if I don't remember myself. Memories fade, change, constantly. Nothing ever stays the same in thought or in form or in intent. Maybe I'm nothing more than a memory.
Isn't there some part that's mine to keep?
I give to everyone, no strings attached. And when they go their separate ways, I tell them to keep it. You can't take what is freely given, right? Give and ye shall recieve, and all that? No...Give. Give, give, give some more, until finally you realize that the piece that you're holding out in your open hands, the piece they're touching, the piece they're walking away with, that piece was the last one holding you together. There's nothing left anymore. You just fade away, and eventually all those pieces slowly fade as well, and there's nothing left of you.
Not even a memory.