(no subject)
Hey everyone. I know it's been a while, but I'm back on LJ again! This time for good... maybe. lol
So I'm writing this post because I need to rant tbh. I'm just so RAWR right now and I couldn't think of any place better than here to let everything out. I don't even care if there's no one here to read it or if no one cares about me anymore.
I've been having this internal struggle of identity for a while now. Not like gender identity or something, but... hmm... social identity, I guess. I feel like I'm no longer the person I was, the person I created, and the person I loved. Here at college, I feel like I'm not Chris, but that gay kid. It bothers me so much. However, the weird thing is that I don't even want to be just Chris. I actually want to be labeled for some terrible reason I don't know. I want to go back to Chris, the nerd/geek/otaku/whatever you want to call it.
I think what bothers me about being roped in with the gay crowd is 1) being grouped with people that generally don't have much in common with me 2) being categorized for something I can't help rather than for something I can. Those are probably both awful reasons, but it's just how it is. I've spent the majority of my life at college hanging out with "the gays" because it was where I felt most accepted. In the beginning, I had just come out and really needed this and I'm so grateful for all of the support I received from the Pride Alliance and its members, but now I need to break away from it. Yes, they accepted me when I needed them most, but I've always had friends that accepted me. Friends that didn't have to be gay to do so and I feel like I turned my back on them.
I'm also slowly wondering why I'm spending my time with "the gay crowd" when all we do is gossip and talk about meaningless shit involving other people. What I wanna talk about is meaningless shit that is relevant to my interests. Like video games and manga and random nonsenses. The other day I stayed up til 3 am playing Pokemon with friends (who live right down to the hall) and watching Pokemon: The First Movie. I can't even begin to describe how happy I was. Like, I honestly felt like I had not had that much fun the entire time I've been at college, as silly as that is. So I ask myself why I spend time with people I have nothing in common with who live far from me on campus instead of hanging out with fellow nerds who live down the hall?
Ever since that night, I've become set on the idea that those are the people I need to reconnect with, those are the people who can make me happy and those are the people who can really understand me.
There's so much more to how I feel about the situation than this, but I can't seem to process it all right now. I also realize at the end of this entry how selfish this may seem, but... idk. I apologize in advance I suppose.
ANYWAYS! How are youuuuuu all? :D;;
So I'm writing this post because I need to rant tbh. I'm just so RAWR right now and I couldn't think of any place better than here to let everything out. I don't even care if there's no one here to read it or if no one cares about me anymore.
I've been having this internal struggle of identity for a while now. Not like gender identity or something, but... hmm... social identity, I guess. I feel like I'm no longer the person I was, the person I created, and the person I loved. Here at college, I feel like I'm not Chris, but that gay kid. It bothers me so much. However, the weird thing is that I don't even want to be just Chris. I actually want to be labeled for some terrible reason I don't know. I want to go back to Chris, the nerd/geek/otaku/whatever you want to call it.
I think what bothers me about being roped in with the gay crowd is 1) being grouped with people that generally don't have much in common with me 2) being categorized for something I can't help rather than for something I can. Those are probably both awful reasons, but it's just how it is. I've spent the majority of my life at college hanging out with "the gays" because it was where I felt most accepted. In the beginning, I had just come out and really needed this and I'm so grateful for all of the support I received from the Pride Alliance and its members, but now I need to break away from it. Yes, they accepted me when I needed them most, but I've always had friends that accepted me. Friends that didn't have to be gay to do so and I feel like I turned my back on them.
I'm also slowly wondering why I'm spending my time with "the gay crowd" when all we do is gossip and talk about meaningless shit involving other people. What I wanna talk about is meaningless shit that is relevant to my interests. Like video games and manga and random nonsenses. The other day I stayed up til 3 am playing Pokemon with friends (who live right down to the hall) and watching Pokemon: The First Movie. I can't even begin to describe how happy I was. Like, I honestly felt like I had not had that much fun the entire time I've been at college, as silly as that is. So I ask myself why I spend time with people I have nothing in common with who live far from me on campus instead of hanging out with fellow nerds who live down the hall?
Ever since that night, I've become set on the idea that those are the people I need to reconnect with, those are the people who can make me happy and those are the people who can really understand me.
There's so much more to how I feel about the situation than this, but I can't seem to process it all right now. I also realize at the end of this entry how selfish this may seem, but... idk. I apologize in advance I suppose.
ANYWAYS! How are youuuuuu all? :D;;