Muwahahahaha
The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
Jack Bauer once went into a bar, and asked for a 'Jack Bauer'. He received three shots of Jack Daniel's, a shot of kerosene and four shots of tequila mixed. When seeing this, another man approached the bar and asked for a Jack Bauer. He got a 9mm round to the face.
Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
Jack would never have given up the wet list... no one takes potential kills away from Jack Bauer.
Don't beg Jack Bauer to shoot you. He will simply shoot your wife. No man tells Jack Bauer what to do.
If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's f*cking beef.
In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pyjamas.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.
Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.
Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better f*cking do it.
On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
Jack Bauer shops at Costco... without membership.
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the f**K have you done with your life?
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."
Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.
During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're f*cking dead."
In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn't around?
Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn't be an accident.
If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was "just a television character". We are now orphans.
Chase Edmunds waited until he was sure Jack Bauer was dead before he dumped Kim.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
"Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm f*cked".
There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.
Quetin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jack Bauer. He passed. It was too violent.
In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
Jack Bauer once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Jack Bauer shoots first and...well that's it. He shoots first. Jack Bauer doesn't need to ask questions.
Jack Bauer doesn't get busy signals. No one is too busy to talk to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer makes onions cry.
Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
Jehovah's Witnesses once tried to convert Jack Bauer. After four minutes of interrogation, they admitted Jack Bauer was God.
If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.' Why? Because He's a pussy.
When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
Jack Bauer once called the Vice President "Mr. President", but realized his mistake and shot the President. Jack Bauer is never wrong.
One time The Rock raised his eyebrow to Jack Bauer. This is why he is no longer able to wrestle.
Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.
G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.
If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.
Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.
Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.
Jack Bauer once went into a bar, and asked for a 'Jack Bauer'. He received three shots of Jack Daniel's, a shot of kerosene and four shots of tequila mixed. When seeing this, another man approached the bar and asked for a Jack Bauer. He got a 9mm round to the face.
Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
Jack would never have given up the wet list... no one takes potential kills away from Jack Bauer.
Don't beg Jack Bauer to shoot you. He will simply shoot your wife. No man tells Jack Bauer what to do.
If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's f*cking beef.
In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pyjamas.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.
Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.
Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better f*cking do it.
On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
Jack Bauer shops at Costco... without membership.
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the f**K have you done with your life?
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."
Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.
During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're f*cking dead."
In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn't around?
Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn't be an accident.
If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was "just a television character". We are now orphans.
Chase Edmunds waited until he was sure Jack Bauer was dead before he dumped Kim.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
"Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm f*cked".
There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.
You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.
Quetin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jack Bauer. He passed. It was too violent.
In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
Jack Bauer once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Jack Bauer shoots first and...well that's it. He shoots first. Jack Bauer doesn't need to ask questions.
Jack Bauer doesn't get busy signals. No one is too busy to talk to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer makes onions cry.
Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.
Jehovah's Witnesses once tried to convert Jack Bauer. After four minutes of interrogation, they admitted Jack Bauer was God.
If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.' Why? Because He's a pussy.
When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
Jack Bauer once called the Vice President "Mr. President", but realized his mistake and shot the President. Jack Bauer is never wrong.
One time The Rock raised his eyebrow to Jack Bauer. This is why he is no longer able to wrestle.
Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.
G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.
If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.
Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.
Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.