August edition of DD bio
Hokia.....
july 17 sister had the baby.. The night leading up to the baby we ( as in erika Jarod and I) got started on a furious carpet cleaning bing at about 9.... this went on until about 11:45 when I fianlly said that thats about enough...... shower ... sleep... Jarod comes down..6 a.m. he dom dom trying not to scare as he has done so many time in the past.. I usually wake up in a horrible day dream from watching too many horror movies.. oh well.. back to the basics.. baby is coming erikas in shower were going to hospital I stay with baby.. she comes around 3.. cute small amazing..!!!
Helping with house and playing with alena is usually how every one of my days have been starting lately... I am not sleeping any better... medication helps some but between the school bus races in my head thoguhts crashing around and my worrying It is definitely not good....
some of the more recent ones........ family ..... family... what hapened to my family... so much has changed that it seems like I am on auto pilot in my head when it comes to dealing with it..... I miss some simple stuff that is said or do not make the right amount of phone call shout outs and I proclaimed to damnation... not really.... I am reclusive.... My dad has this problem manic depression and his swings are very apparent and obvious to any onlooker..... sometimes I think I have this to a degree much less than him but I am not sure... I think more accurately that, I am just in kind of a stink right now just waiting for school to start and to have some structure restored to my days.... I miss my garage more than ever.. my sanctuary.. It would be equivalent to having a musician having amast all the most exquisite instruments and recording equipment.. studio and comfortable surroundings and then having a pawn shop record player and a couple of broken string guitars... some working, spread out all over your friends house still availible to use but the set up and arranging of tiume to use them is so frustrating that you dont even feel like making music..... silence.... I am realizing more that even though I thought I may be able to continue doing as I was some what in the garage at 7 mile at second hand locations with hopes to have fun and still use my skills... I thought.. It is not, "all hope gone" but the writing is on the wall that I just cant enjoy it as much....
Emotion...
alot of myself is changed since the move and some of the higher temperature discussions with dad about things that can not be changed.... TALK TO THE ONES YOU LOVE ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE THINKING!!! leaving words unsaid can lead to miscimmunications and things being assumed that are not true... lesson learned.. I think of how grateful I am to be my fathers son in the fact that he taught me mnore than most grown will ever know... the skills and cars stuff has allowed me to hustle and make cash between my jobs and hepl with the never ending gut its some of the smaller stuff that is hitting more and more home recently...
friends....
gossip.. SL is still small enough that news good bad ugly or otherwise travels fast.... example..... crowd of comon faces and community cruzers. ask leading questions and pry for details.. loose lips sink ships but I think I dont' have anything to hide... I draw back some times and find myself being so quite that I can here my thoughts in my head about the place I am at or the situation I am in louder than the ramblings of a acquintnaces stories...... brags.... heroes... there are so many..
Girls...
BOB always ask so how the Dominator.... sow your oats... some how he is enjoying every minute living vicarously through me.....still think of old relationships.. examining... you cant really forget everything because it was a relationship that you were in with someone but what do you do??? Draw a line with a felt tipped marker that is frayed and leaky... It would not be a very clear line knowing what to forget or what to remeber...keep the good forget the bad... ahh fuck...I don't know... I used to write.. well this girl has a nice face... nice body ... cice personality... combine them all in am mixing machine of good traits and domenics favorite shapes and have this imaginary model come put shiny and new with all the best features... it never worked... the features though desireable at first came with implications.... draw backs... well like a car you may get the supercharger but the gas mileage sucks.... analagy is loose but it is simple... you cant look for something to make you happy with stipulations and restrictions... because you might get all you thought you wanted in one package and just be left with a polished piece of shit....
dating around kind of ....
dainielle the yellow cavalier sweet heart bailed me out the other day when I was havin a real shitty day from my dad and she never said anything about it.... just took care of me made me smile... she has never let me down... she is a good person.. I think she relized that I am confused about me and her situation but likes me alot and would help me whenever I needed.
New girl agian...Katrina.... steps into the poop... both feet I do too... after realizing I may have just stepped in the bigger pile of shit.. I step back.... MY friend... smaller than some but bigger than most when it comes to what really matters heart... talks about being millionaires and how we could just sit around in lawn chairs and drink cherry cokes.... wait we do that know.. secret is we all ready are millionaires and neither one of us knows for sure yet but the stage lights are starting to glow and our paydays are on the horizon... monetary millionaires is far frm the paradise that I wish for and he is one in the same... We talk more about life and have good laughs..
Truck....
Transmission destroys a couple of teeth.. meshing broken crack.... fuck... I need this ... when do you ever need your car to explode but what better timing when school is coming and the bank is all red signs with green numbers few and far beween.... deposits.. no! withdrawls... yes! I was close numerous times in states of confusion and depression to smashing into some thing hard enough to destroy it but not to hurt myself to be divorced from the responsibilty,... had friend offer to do it for me.. cant... crooked.. just cant do something I feel is wrong.. would not want to have to feel bad about something like that.... I would be like putting you old dog down early because it needed a new hip that might cost alittle more money and wouldn't garantee much more time of usuefulness... bite the bullit suck it up.. i talk to it as if it were real.. we will be allright I wont let you down... sometimes you make weird bonds... what you spend the most time with knows you the best and reflects what you are all about... more analagy here,, but I think its true.....
truck ... brakes could use some work but still are decent... one side is smashed a little but cleans up decently...... tires are very firm and deep tread gives them a strong hold of the road... engine is like a top ... pumping life... transmission to of heart to the ground is shaky troubled... broken alittle but still working... chipped ... noisy but its there and it has not let me down......
me
sometimes I dont slow down and think as fast as I should but I always manage to stop in time.....My feet are planted and I am on a road that wil take me to a good start...traction. My heart has made some things very tough for me seeingwhat is easy or convienent to do but knowing that is not what should be done... it pumps.. the transmission of the actions are not always understood by others or recived clearly with out noise but they get there......I think well be allright..
The saddest thing in life is wasted talent... Chaz Palmiteri..
I love you rach and know your probably the only one who reads this.. I cried when I left you at the airport last time and was proud of all you have done... you are strong like a stone!! continue to be excellent... I love you !!
july 17 sister had the baby.. The night leading up to the baby we ( as in erika Jarod and I) got started on a furious carpet cleaning bing at about 9.... this went on until about 11:45 when I fianlly said that thats about enough...... shower ... sleep... Jarod comes down..6 a.m. he dom dom trying not to scare as he has done so many time in the past.. I usually wake up in a horrible day dream from watching too many horror movies.. oh well.. back to the basics.. baby is coming erikas in shower were going to hospital I stay with baby.. she comes around 3.. cute small amazing..!!!
Helping with house and playing with alena is usually how every one of my days have been starting lately... I am not sleeping any better... medication helps some but between the school bus races in my head thoguhts crashing around and my worrying It is definitely not good....
some of the more recent ones........ family ..... family... what hapened to my family... so much has changed that it seems like I am on auto pilot in my head when it comes to dealing with it..... I miss some simple stuff that is said or do not make the right amount of phone call shout outs and I proclaimed to damnation... not really.... I am reclusive.... My dad has this problem manic depression and his swings are very apparent and obvious to any onlooker..... sometimes I think I have this to a degree much less than him but I am not sure... I think more accurately that, I am just in kind of a stink right now just waiting for school to start and to have some structure restored to my days.... I miss my garage more than ever.. my sanctuary.. It would be equivalent to having a musician having amast all the most exquisite instruments and recording equipment.. studio and comfortable surroundings and then having a pawn shop record player and a couple of broken string guitars... some working, spread out all over your friends house still availible to use but the set up and arranging of tiume to use them is so frustrating that you dont even feel like making music..... silence.... I am realizing more that even though I thought I may be able to continue doing as I was some what in the garage at 7 mile at second hand locations with hopes to have fun and still use my skills... I thought.. It is not, "all hope gone" but the writing is on the wall that I just cant enjoy it as much....
Emotion...
alot of myself is changed since the move and some of the higher temperature discussions with dad about things that can not be changed.... TALK TO THE ONES YOU LOVE ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE THINKING!!! leaving words unsaid can lead to miscimmunications and things being assumed that are not true... lesson learned.. I think of how grateful I am to be my fathers son in the fact that he taught me mnore than most grown will ever know... the skills and cars stuff has allowed me to hustle and make cash between my jobs and hepl with the never ending gut its some of the smaller stuff that is hitting more and more home recently...
friends....
gossip.. SL is still small enough that news good bad ugly or otherwise travels fast.... example..... crowd of comon faces and community cruzers. ask leading questions and pry for details.. loose lips sink ships but I think I dont' have anything to hide... I draw back some times and find myself being so quite that I can here my thoughts in my head about the place I am at or the situation I am in louder than the ramblings of a acquintnaces stories...... brags.... heroes... there are so many..
Girls...
BOB always ask so how the Dominator.... sow your oats... some how he is enjoying every minute living vicarously through me.....still think of old relationships.. examining... you cant really forget everything because it was a relationship that you were in with someone but what do you do??? Draw a line with a felt tipped marker that is frayed and leaky... It would not be a very clear line knowing what to forget or what to remeber...keep the good forget the bad... ahh fuck...I don't know... I used to write.. well this girl has a nice face... nice body ... cice personality... combine them all in am mixing machine of good traits and domenics favorite shapes and have this imaginary model come put shiny and new with all the best features... it never worked... the features though desireable at first came with implications.... draw backs... well like a car you may get the supercharger but the gas mileage sucks.... analagy is loose but it is simple... you cant look for something to make you happy with stipulations and restrictions... because you might get all you thought you wanted in one package and just be left with a polished piece of shit....
dating around kind of ....
dainielle the yellow cavalier sweet heart bailed me out the other day when I was havin a real shitty day from my dad and she never said anything about it.... just took care of me made me smile... she has never let me down... she is a good person.. I think she relized that I am confused about me and her situation but likes me alot and would help me whenever I needed.
New girl agian...Katrina.... steps into the poop... both feet I do too... after realizing I may have just stepped in the bigger pile of shit.. I step back.... MY friend... smaller than some but bigger than most when it comes to what really matters heart... talks about being millionaires and how we could just sit around in lawn chairs and drink cherry cokes.... wait we do that know.. secret is we all ready are millionaires and neither one of us knows for sure yet but the stage lights are starting to glow and our paydays are on the horizon... monetary millionaires is far frm the paradise that I wish for and he is one in the same... We talk more about life and have good laughs..
Truck....
Transmission destroys a couple of teeth.. meshing broken crack.... fuck... I need this ... when do you ever need your car to explode but what better timing when school is coming and the bank is all red signs with green numbers few and far beween.... deposits.. no! withdrawls... yes! I was close numerous times in states of confusion and depression to smashing into some thing hard enough to destroy it but not to hurt myself to be divorced from the responsibilty,... had friend offer to do it for me.. cant... crooked.. just cant do something I feel is wrong.. would not want to have to feel bad about something like that.... I would be like putting you old dog down early because it needed a new hip that might cost alittle more money and wouldn't garantee much more time of usuefulness... bite the bullit suck it up.. i talk to it as if it were real.. we will be allright I wont let you down... sometimes you make weird bonds... what you spend the most time with knows you the best and reflects what you are all about... more analagy here,, but I think its true.....
truck ... brakes could use some work but still are decent... one side is smashed a little but cleans up decently...... tires are very firm and deep tread gives them a strong hold of the road... engine is like a top ... pumping life... transmission to of heart to the ground is shaky troubled... broken alittle but still working... chipped ... noisy but its there and it has not let me down......
me
sometimes I dont slow down and think as fast as I should but I always manage to stop in time.....My feet are planted and I am on a road that wil take me to a good start...traction. My heart has made some things very tough for me seeingwhat is easy or convienent to do but knowing that is not what should be done... it pumps.. the transmission of the actions are not always understood by others or recived clearly with out noise but they get there......I think well be allright..
The saddest thing in life is wasted talent... Chaz Palmiteri..
I love you rach and know your probably the only one who reads this.. I cried when I left you at the airport last time and was proud of all you have done... you are strong like a stone!! continue to be excellent... I love you !!