Requited [Jim and Bones]

[dctr_mccoy]

They'd spent the afternoon together in their shared bedroom, Jim and Spock and Leonard. Exploring bodies, exploring kinks. Leonard didn't know he could have such an intense sexual experience with his clothing on, but that's the only way he could describe watching Jim systematically apply the swats to Spock's muscular ass. Leonard directed, watching

Comments

[genius_level]

The afternoon had been intense, and far more intimate than he'd expected. Jim had enjoyed Bones' instruction as much as the sight of Spock laid out over the bed. But the most heady part of it for him had been after, when they were lying together in the bed. It wasn't something he'd typically focused on much in the past, but now... he was enjoying the quiet affection almost as much as the act itself.

He was still worried, but Jim was warm and relaxed when he saw Bones slip out of the bed, his mood a far cry from his earlier turmoil. Still, he slipped off the bed and let Bones lead him out to the living room. Jim had traded his jeans for a pair of old, well-worn sweats earlier, and he curled up next to Bones, the air out here cooler than in the bedroom. He leaned his head against Bones, his nose brushing Bones' cheek. "Not tired?" he asked, his voice soft.

[dctr_mccoy]

Comfortable and intimate, just laying their on the sofa. "I'm good," he said, meaning it. One hand reached out to stroke Jim's cheek, and though he didn't want to ruin the mood, Leonard knew it was time they talked, just the two of them. "I want to talk about your problem, Jim, and I'm sort of in a quandary here. I need your help."

Taking Jim's hand in his own, he felt their legs tangle together, and he rubbed his cold feet against Jim's warm ones, tugging the blanket over them. "As your doctor, I think we need to get to the bottom of this, and I would need to ask you some questions. But this, whatever it is we are right now, part of me thinks that you might want to get that sorted before you can really answer some of my questions. So tell me," he asked, brushing his lips against Jim's cheek. "You want me to be your boyfriend or your doctor first?"

[genius_level]

He was quiet for a moment while he tried to figure out what he wanted, but Jim squeezed Bones' hand. "I want both," he confessed, "because you're both to me. But I know that's not what you mean. Can we... can we talk about it like this at first? Just us? And then examine me, ask whatever you need to as my doctor."

Jim hesitated, then turned his head slightly, his lips pressing against the corner of Bones' mouth. "I guess we should figure us out first. I thought--I never thought you would want to be with me," he admitted, his eyes falling shut for a moment. "But apparently I was wrong."

[dctr_mccoy]

"So wrong," Leonard murmured before catching Jim's mouth with his own, the two men kissing with a tenderness that surprised him. It was quiet and warm, like water simmering just below boil, but every nerve in Leonard's body was on fire. "Whatever this is, I want it, I'll take it."

But what was it? Here's where things got complicated. "I know Spock and Nyota, they have each other, and they have other people. I guess that includes us now, or at least with Spock." His fingers found Jim's. "I know you like being with other people too, at least when we're planetside." Leonard didn't begrudge Jim his urges, he knew Jim didn't mess with crew while they were in space, so it was natural he'd let loose when he got the chance.

But this, what they were doing - it felt different. "You want something like that?"

[genius_level]

"I don't know," Jim said honestly. He kissed Bones again, soft and tender. "Do you..." He paused, his thumb rubbing against Bones' hand. "Do you want other people? Aside from Spock, I mean. I just..." He bit his lip, his eyes on Bones. "I think part of that, being with other people, at least for me... it was because I couldn't have you. Or I thought I couldn't."

He nuzzled against Bones. "I'm not saying no, but whatever we decide, it should be something we both want. Don't want to make you unhappy," he murmured.

[dctr_mccoy]

"You always had me, Jim. Thought you knew that." But they were both stubborn and focused on their jobs, and friends, such good friends. Maybe it had been there between them all the time, and they just didn't see it

[genius_level]

Jim exhaled slowly, his smile reaching his eyes as he nosed against Bones. Maybe this time on Earth was what they needed to figure this out, time with less distractions and less commitments for them all. "I'd like to be with you, too, however you'll have me," he murmured. He squeezed Bones' hand. "Knowing me, I'll probably drive you crazy sometimes, too. But I'll try my best not to."

He nodded, shifting just enough to meet Bones' gaze. Spock was special to them both. There was no denying it. And while he would be happier than he'd ever thought possible to simply be with Bones, the idea of the three of them--or sometimes, just he and Spock, or Bones and Spock--was something that he wanted to explore. "I like that idea," he agreed, settling closer against Bones and pressing a kiss to his mouth, soft and light. "But if you're ever not okay with anything, we've got to talk about it, all right

[dctr_mccoy]

"We'll talk." Easier said than done he knew. Talking wasn't something Leonard McCoy did well, not when it came to things like this. But Jim never backed down from anything, so he felt pretty safe that they'd have the tough conversation if they needed to.

Like this one. "Yeah." he said, feeling Jim's arms tighten around him. "Okay, gonna ask you some questions, and I need the truth Jim, okay? This is Doctor McCoy asking you, because Bones wants his boyfriend to be all happy and better. Help us both, alright?" The first couple questions were relatively easy ones, but he held Jim's hands in his own just the same. "When was the last time you had an erection, can you remember? Can you tell me what happens right now when you feel aroused?"

[genius_level]

"Okay." Jim nodded, resolved to be completely honest. He took a deep breath and concentrated on the feel of Bones' hands wrapped around his for a moment.

"It was in the hospital, I think." He bit his lip. "I mean, I've woken up half-hard a few times since then, but... that's all I can remember. The same when I've been aroused." Jim paused. "Either that, or nothing happens at all. I mean, I react in other ways, you know? It still feels good being touched or kissed."

He felt his stomach knot when he remembered that night at the bar. "That night, after the memorial service..." After Spock had overdosed, and when Jim had been hurting and confused. "I went to the bar, had a beer or two and something to eat. I wanted to forget, I guess, so I left with someone, but..." He swallowed. "Nothing happened. At all."

[dctr_mccoy]

There was some comfort that Jim had experienced some sensation down there. "Well first off, i want you to know there are lots of reasons this could be happening. Stress, fatigue, some of the meds we used when you were ill. Now we just gotta figure it all out, and make things better. "

He took a breath before asking the next series of questions. "When was the last time you managed a full erection? And can you remember the last time you ejaculated, either from your own hand or being with someone?"

Leonard still recalled seeing the thin panties tangled up in Jim's bed sheets when he went to clean his house before Jim was released from the hospital. He had no right to be hurt about it, but there were ugly and jealous feelings there that Leonard had to push away.

[genius_level]

Jim nodded, his eyes cast down, but Bones' voice calmed something in him, soothing some of the anxiety that had been eating at him from the inside. "All right."

He shifted, then went still as he thought about it. "Before..." Jim hesitated, then pushed on. "When we got back, that first night. Before I was demoted." Jim hadn't given that night a thought, not since he'd been standing in Pike's office, next to Spock, and he'd seen that look of disappointment in Pike's eyes, there beneath the anger and frustration.

He glanced up just then, but felt his stomach drop when he saw a hint of something in Bones' eyes that looked an awful lot like hurt. "...Bones. What is it?" he asked.

[dctr_mccoy]

"Hmm..." The first night back in San Francisco. Made sense, Jim wanting, needing to get out and get laid. Leonard told himself to not be petty - but he was petty and jealous, and it wasn't like he could change who he was now

[genius_level]

"I'd say it's about both of us," Jim said. "Something's bothering you," he murmured. "I thought we were going to talk about that when it happened." But the look on Bones' face made him realize they weren't going to get into it, not right now. He looked down, reflecting that he felt like a fish out of water. But he thought he knew what part of the problem was; the idea that he'd had sex with someone else, even if Bones had just offered to let him go right on if he wanted to. Jim had no idea how to make him understand that he didn't want to have sex with just anyone, not any more.

"I think it could be any of the above," he said wearily. "Maybe a little of everything--worrying about this can't be doing my general level of stress any favors." Jim touched his forehead to Bones'. "I don't know how to stop being bothered by it. I mean, we're here, and Spock..." He sighed.

[dctr_mccoy]

"We're not us right now," Leonard reminded Jim, trying to remind himself. "Right now, I'm your doctor, and this is about you, Jim." From that wounded puppy look on Jim's face, Leonard guessed that Jim had figured out why he was a little out of sorts, and Leonard took a breath, wondering again if maybe this wasn't the best idea, if it wasn't in Jim's best interest to have another physician working on him.

"It makes sense that you're bothered by it, vicious circle. For what it's worth, I can do most of the physical exams here, checking for blood flow and nerve damage. After that, I'd like to review your meds and maybe start weaning you off of them."

If that didn't help, then they'd have to have another sort of conversation. "Are you currently worried about the relationships you are in? Do your partners understand this?" he asked, feeling his face flush as he was one of the partners - but still, he wondered about Jim's answer.

[genius_level]

Jim gave Bones a reluctant nod. "All right." He wanted to get to the bottom of what it was that had caused that expression in Bones' eyes, so that he could make sure he never saw it again. But for now, he agreed to let it lie

[dctr_mccoy]

"Okay, so we agree. I'm going to begin lowering the doses of your meds. You're gonna feel the effects, so stay close to the house, okay? No working in the sun until we're sure that you're not gonna pass out." He knew Jim hated being confined like this, used to be active and moving. "Just until I know that you're not being adversely affected by not having the meds."

With any luck, it would relieve Jim of his problem as well. "Jim, you're not holding anyone back. Even if things were... happening down there," he began, "I still think I'd want to take it a little slower, you know? I'm not unhappy sleeping in your arms at night, being held and kissed like this. There are ways of pleasing each other that doesn't involve penetration, and if it feels good, even if you don't get hard, I want to make you feel good." Leonard felt with each word that none of this made any sense. "Can you understand what I am saying?"