Renewed interest...and insecurities
I've been doing a good bit of thinking the past few days, and a lot less actually talking to people than I usually do when I'm unsure about how to deal with something. I'm not sure if it's just an opportunity problem (classes have started and we're all busy) or just that I don't want to talk to people about it. I'll get more into that later on. For now, though, at least superficially, things are great. Classes started this Wednesday, and so far, I really like them. It was fantastic to be back on campus and in the dorm - break was definitely too long, and I got way too bored being away from everybody. I guess I've just grown accustomed to the socially rich environment of Monroe (or perhaps dorms in general). In any case, my schedule falls into something like this:
Organic Chemistry I - 10am on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and a lab on Thursday afternoon that I’ve yet to have. I was a bit overwhelmed at first glance, but have quickly gotten over it. It’s actually somewhat interesting, and certainly more worth my time and effort than General Chemistry was. I’m going to stay ahead of the ball, practice with problems from the book like crazy, and take advantage of all the opportunities to get extra learning and help that are offered. I would say my goal is to have an A in the class, but I’m not really sure of the difficultly level of exams yet, and thus can’t be realistic about that. I’ll get back to you when I can.
General Botany - 11am on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and a lab on Monday afternoon that I’ve yet to have. Although I was a tad reluctant about it, given that it’s botany, I think I may get a great deal out of this class. On day one the teacher gave a compelling argument as to why botany is often looked at by biology concentrators as such a burden, and why we may end up liking it more than we could have possibly imagined. She certainly convinced me. The things we’ve covered so far are mostly review of previous biology classes, but I can already tell that Professor Case will make the class worthwhile.
Chemistry of Emotion Freshman Seminar - 8am on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Although I’ve yet to attend this class (this Thursday we had a delayed opening and 8am classes were cancelled - although I didn’t figure this out until I got there - oh well), I do have a syllabus. Given the professor’s reputation, I imagine it will be a class that’s a good deal of work but very rewarding and interesting. We’ll see.
Social Psychology - 11am on Tuesdays and Thursdays. We’ve had the class once, and the professor is new but seems to be knowledgeable and fairly on-the-ball. I’m not really sure what else to say about it, since we haven’t had much in the way of learning yet.
In any case, I am so far quite satisfied with my schedule. It will be undoubtedly more work than last semester, but that’s what I wanted. In addition, aside from Botany, every class that I am in has at least a few people from Monroe 3rd or friends from elsewhere, which is much more than I can say about last semester. Onto the more pressing issues…
Although I’m satisfied superficially with the people around me and my environment, clearly something is happening. Whether it’s a flare up of my anxiety and/or depression, I don’t know. I’ve been taking all of my medicine regularly, which is a major improvement from over break. It’s hard to consistently take them when you sleep in until well after noon. I seem much more on edge emotionally than I was; it’s not the same as a true anxiety flare-up or mild attack, though. Maybe I’m developing social anxiety disorder as well, because most of this is happening around people. I’m getting very snappy with my friends and clearly don’t intend to or want to be. I’ve been particularly unfriendly towards some of my closer hallmates, particularly Honest Dave, Jeri, Betsy, and anybody else who happens to come on our escapades. I am very sorry for it, guys, and I really have no excuse or reason to give you. At least I’m realizing it’s a problem now and trying to work on it, I suppose. Back to the quandary, I don’t really think it’s social anxiety disorder because I don’t meet many critical criteria - I have a more than healthy social life, good friends, and confidence when among people. Yet for some reason, I can’t seem to lighten up and enjoy myself around my friends. It has made me mildly depressed (never a good thing) for the past few days - I end up saying something I regret, and then feeling like a huge ass for doing it. Then I realize that part of the reason is this psychological funk I’m in, and feel even more depressed that in one way or another, it’s my nature to treat them this way. And while that’s not a realistic assessment, it is how I feel. All of this compounds upon itself and ends up driving me away from them for fear I’m just going to say something else stupid or mean, or because I’ve upset one of them. I go back to my room or to a corner/unoccupied space and sit, all the while moping and feeling crappy, trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.
People ask me if I need to talk or need help, and I decline the offer every time. Usually I’m extremely ready and willing to discuss my feelings and emotional state with the people around me, particularly my close friends, as most of you who are reading this know. Yet with this issue, I seem unable to want to do it. I want to do it, rather, but just can’t. Or at least that’s what I’m telling myself. I can’t really seem to find words to express what I’m feeling and thinking, much less a reasonable explanation for it. This, as those of you reading might also know, is quite peculiar, as usually I am able to convert feelings and thoughts into lucid words. Being unable (or subconsciously unwilling) to express all of this is only making it worse by “bottling it up.” Perhaps in a few more days I’ll have thought enough about it to be able to discuss it. Regardless, I’m unhappy about myself in this respect lately. I’m not very worried because I can’t foresee a major depressive episode or anxiety attack, and if anybody can see them coming in himself/herself, it’s me. But it still clearly bothers me a lot, because I hate hurting my friends, or even saying things that don’t hurt them but just aren’t nice. I don’t intend to go to psychological services, and if I were home, I doubt I’d even go to see my therapist, although I may well do it over spring break if this is still happening or fresh on my mind. In the meantime, however, suggestions and support are welcomed, and I know that the people I care about will come through for me as they always do. I have fantastic friends, and owe so much to all of them!
Now that I’ve worked that out of my system, I’m going to go read from Mapping the Mind for Chemistry of Emotion, another class I intend to stay ahead in. Plus, I’ve already finished my Organic Chemistry work and studying for this week’s material. I hope everybody is having fun where they are, and if you’re here at W&M, enjoy the beautiful campus under snow. And wish for snow, but don’t wish for closings, because none of us want a cramped exam schedule or Saturday/Sunday classes. Have a good one.