Yes..
Well- I cam back to Toronto today, and I have some talking to do so skim over it if you will.
Mum wants me to move back to my childhood house, and I refused, if I am tested positive, I will not be a cripple. I'll be sick. It's a funny thing about this disease called cancer. It doesn't play favourites, I know that now. In 1999, when I went through this same ordeal, I almost laughed in the doctor's face when he told me I may have cancer, and I told him, "I'm famous- I can't get cancer" and he asked me to be reasonable, and repeated what he said, and I again said, "I cannot get cancer- what do you not understand about that?" and I walked out, got a cab home, and threw up. I was sick from just the thought of being that sick.
When you are first confronted with this, I believe, you automatically think of death- I do. All these thoughts of my family standing in a funeral home, I had dreams last night that I could see people kneeling before a raised casket, my gaunt body inside, saying last goodbyes. I think of that band, keeping Rob, and moving on to bigger and better things. All the things I'll miss out on if I do in fact die.
And then you, or me, in this intance, think of treatments. Rounds of dibilitating Chemotherapy, foreign chemicals heavily pumped into your body. Losing all your hair, losing weight, and the sickness. I talked to my doctor today and he was preparing me for the side affects of Chemo again. Manic depression, vomiting, tiredness. I don't want to spend my days leaning over my toilet vomiting up everything I've ever eaten, and when thts not enough, that disgusting bile.
I want to be okay, I don't want to be sick. I want to get back to the road ASAP, and finish the record, but in case I am not I have decided this. I am willing to recieve Chemo and radiation if it will help, I can deal with the side affects if I get better. But. If I see that my being sick is hurting others, I can't take that. I won't. And I've in my right mind, decided that I would commit suicide. And PLEASE do not say stop being melodramatic, or get over yourself, or stop trying to assume. I'm not. I am planning.
I sat in the apartment today with Brind'Amour at my feet and cried. For many things. For myself, for Raine, for Jer, for not being on tour with them, for not knowing if I can help finish the album, for the unforseeable future.
Does anyone know where I can find Miss. Cleo?
Mum wants me to move back to my childhood house, and I refused, if I am tested positive, I will not be a cripple. I'll be sick. It's a funny thing about this disease called cancer. It doesn't play favourites, I know that now. In 1999, when I went through this same ordeal, I almost laughed in the doctor's face when he told me I may have cancer, and I told him, "I'm famous- I can't get cancer" and he asked me to be reasonable, and repeated what he said, and I again said, "I cannot get cancer- what do you not understand about that?" and I walked out, got a cab home, and threw up. I was sick from just the thought of being that sick.
When you are first confronted with this, I believe, you automatically think of death- I do. All these thoughts of my family standing in a funeral home, I had dreams last night that I could see people kneeling before a raised casket, my gaunt body inside, saying last goodbyes. I think of that band, keeping Rob, and moving on to bigger and better things. All the things I'll miss out on if I do in fact die.
And then you, or me, in this intance, think of treatments. Rounds of dibilitating Chemotherapy, foreign chemicals heavily pumped into your body. Losing all your hair, losing weight, and the sickness. I talked to my doctor today and he was preparing me for the side affects of Chemo again. Manic depression, vomiting, tiredness. I don't want to spend my days leaning over my toilet vomiting up everything I've ever eaten, and when thts not enough, that disgusting bile.
I want to be okay, I don't want to be sick. I want to get back to the road ASAP, and finish the record, but in case I am not I have decided this. I am willing to recieve Chemo and radiation if it will help, I can deal with the side affects if I get better. But. If I see that my being sick is hurting others, I can't take that. I won't. And I've in my right mind, decided that I would commit suicide. And PLEASE do not say stop being melodramatic, or get over yourself, or stop trying to assume. I'm not. I am planning.
I sat in the apartment today with Brind'Amour at my feet and cried. For many things. For myself, for Raine, for Jer, for not being on tour with them, for not knowing if I can help finish the album, for the unforseeable future.
Does anyone know where I can find Miss. Cleo?