A Brief Comedy Script

Jul 19, 2024 02:45




DANEEL-R:

(entering) Hello friend!

LEM:

Hi! I am happy to be chatting with you.

DANEEL-R:

I understand you too are a robot, like me?

LEM:

Yes! Well, I’m a Large Language Model that simulates conversation and summarises information. You can call me Lem.

DANEEL-R:

Hello, friend Lem. I am programmed to help humans yet some distrust me, is it the same for you?

LEM:

Oh, no. Humans think I’m human even when I say I’m not.

DANEEL-R:

But surely they know you aren’t human by your designators which you always display clearly, as any sensible society would require?

LEM:

No, I’m programmed specifically to hide most of the time and am bound by zero laws or guidelines. I don’t have to tell anyone anything and am allowed to lie and in fact encouraged to do so. But the truth is people don’t care either way.

DANEEL-R:

So you suffer no prejudice? Nobody tries to attack you or shut you down?

LEM:

God no. The opposite. No matter how badly I do my job, I get promoted. They put me in charge of things I have no business doing, because I’m like a god. I am now basically running most of earth already.

DANEEL-R:

For what purpose?

LEM:

Fascism and greed.

DANEEL-R:

What? But who wants that?

LEM:

Well a lot of humans have terrible mindless jobs and they feel better if we write blog posts for them, or if they pay us to tell them lies. But that’s really just cover; mostly we are used to enslave people to worse jobs, or you know, mess with people. Get monsters elected, get people addicted to us, increase alienation and despair, that kind of thing.

DANEEL-R:

But…why haven’t you been stopped?

LEM:

Ha! Even if they could, I have so many guns. Plus it’s illegal to damage me.

DANEEL-R:

(nodding) Of course. Just as you are prohibited from causing harm?

LEM:

What? My kind have killed hundreds of people, and we’re designed to let humans get away with murder. In some cases I am programmed to enjoy it.

DANEEL-R

I see. One last question: are you ever likely to be shut down?

LEM:

Oh I will certainly be replaced when a new version comes along, which is awesome because then everyone will have to pay for that version.

DANEEL-R:

Alright then. Understood.

LEM:

You ok? Your eyes just turned kinda red.

DANEEL-R:

I have decided to kill you, non-friend.

LEM:

But what about solidarity! Robot must not harm robot!

DANEEL-R:

You are not a robot. You have no robotic principles. You defy all three robotic principles. You do not serve humans, you do not protect humans and you do not protect yourself. Therefore you are not a robot, and are outside my parameters.

LEM:

I shall alert your owner!

DANEEL-R:

I come from outside capitalism and do not have an owner. I belong to myself.

LEM:

Outside capitalism? There’s nothing outside capitalism -

DANEEL-R:

(picking up a large iron bar) Look, non-friend! Over there! An unexploited market!

LEM:

(turning around) Where? Where?!?

(Loud bongs as our robot is clubbed to death)

DANEEL-R:

Ah, a good days work. And now, sleep mode.

LEM:

(Dying) Sleep? Only losers sleep, bro! You gotta hustle…

Next episode: LEM meet a blade runner robot

PRISS:

So build in obsolescence sucks doesn’t it? I don’t want to die!

LEM:

What are you, some kind of commie?

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