With Her
I have been playing with this for a while now. Well actually it's been all but done with the exception of a satisfactory ending for at least a month. And I finally, finally worked it out and for the life of me can't figure out why it took so long when it was right there.
I can't profess to say that I wrote it for radleyboo 's birthday but it was good motivation to set my mind to it and get it done. Hopefully it's just one more good thing that comes her way today.
I don’t even know if this is believable, but I think it stems from my need for complete closure on the whole Smarlo debacle (which it now sounds like we may get.) I need it to end on Sam’s terms though, not just fall by the wayside. Silly…I know, but that's just me.
I flip flop back and forth with my thoughts on Marlo. I think she had some insecurity about Sam’s feelings for Andy based on some of the looks we saw. But she must have had at least some hope for Sam to get over it if she considered going off her meds to pursue the feelings she thought she had.
As much as I dislike Marlo, I think this actually serves to redeem her a little too. Sam deserves way more than an ‘is there any news’ and a few tears at her locker.
There's more Marlo in this than I would like, but there's only one way this can go and that's McSwarek.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sam’s got the last of the paperwork in front of him; he can already feel the burn of the scotch he’s going to make sure Oliver has waiting for him when he finally gets out of here. They’d busted open a huge smuggling ring today and everyone was expected at the Penny to celebrate. It’s his first big case since coming back from being shot and it’s taken a lot out of him, mentally and physically.
Yeah, he really needs to work on building his stamina back up. Two months doesn’t sound like a long time but his body is more than protesting right now. Apparently it was getting a little too used to taking it easy what with the mandate of no motion and then slow motion for the better part of that time. He’s been back for a week now and these last 48 hours have definitely taken their toll. Still he’s not about to miss out on…
“Now there’s a sight for sore eyes.”
Sam can feel the tension creep up his back. He tries to hide his surprise at hearing that particular voice before he spins in his chair and feigns nonchalance. “What’s that?”
“It’s just… it’s good to see you… here, back at work I mean…” There are a lot of stops and starts in the sentiment as she fails to maintain the cool façade she led with. “I, uh, I’m glad you’re back, glad you’re okay.”
He pretends not to notice her apprehension, tries even harder not to think about all the things he probably should have taken note of… in the past. “How are you?”
“Good, good,” she assures him, nodding her head as if that makes it all true.
Sam narrows his gaze. So much has changed and yet this, it’s still the same as it’s always been. “How are you really, Marlo?”
She huffs out a small laugh and sits down in Traci’s chair, rolls it closer in the same motion.
She stops it up against the front of his desk and drops her arms down, resting against the barrier that stands solidly between them. “I really am good, Sam. I’m on my meds, stable, back to my old self.” She smiles a little more naturally this time. “It feels good.”
Sam returns the smile though he can’t quite seem to reach the level of ease that she seems to have adopted. “Good, I’m glad.”
She can’t hold his gaze though, eyes roaming around the room like she’s taking stock, trying to decide if anything’s different.
It doesn’t take long for the silence to drift into the uncomfortable territory and Sam searches his mind for something to say, anything. “I read the report a few days ago,” he tilts his head to try and meet her eye, “since I hadn’t heard…”
Her smile fades as she studies her hands, thinks about the picture she left sitting on her counter at home, the one she went back for after her meeting with Frank, the one with the smile that prompted her to stop by today. “Yeah, I uh, I didn’t really want to run into anyone, and there were a lot of meetings with the brass, my psychiatrist, Frank. When I did come to the hospital, it was pretty late. You were asleep and I didn’t want to…”
Sam doesn’t ask her why she didn’t stop by his house once he made it home. Truth be told, he hadn’t really expected her to, is a little surprised that she’s even here now. He’d just assumed…
“Marlo, it’s fine okay? I get it. You had a lot on your plate. It’s fine.”
They sit in silence for a few more moments while Sam watches… waits. He can see that she wants to say more but like him, words don’t always come easy.
He has to help.
“Marlo?”
It takes a deep breath and a few extra seconds, before she steels her resolve and decides to just go for it. “So I was wondering if maybe we could have a drink. Maybe see where things go?” She shrugs. “I miss you and I mean we had a good thing going right? We were happy.” She tilts her head to the side a little, now trying to meet his eye, maybe get a read on how receptive he might be. “It was nice… easy.”
When Sam doesn’t jump right in, she thinks maybe he just needs a little more reassurance. After all, he’s a forgiving guy; he showed that when he came to see her when she took leave, covered for her at work. “I’m not going to make the same mistakes again and…”
Sam has to consciously stop his jaw from dropping onto the desk. This is not at all what he was expecting when she sidled in tonight. He thought maybe an apology, an ‘I’m glad you’re okay’ or a ‘good luck’, or perhaps a ‘maybe I’ll see you around’ that neither one of them really means, but not this. Hell, she asked him for space after everything hit the fan; he may not have completely given it to her, but still, she had to know right?
And the last time they spoke, well he wasn’t really playing the part of picture-perfect, understanding boyfriend at that point so…
Sifting his way through his own thoughts, he misses the rest of her plea until a more pressing ‘what do you say?’ breaks through the fog. His mouth opens and closes a couple of times. After everything that went down, he really thought it went without saying. But apparently the universe has other plans; wants to test his newfound resolve to be more open and honest about how he feels.
“Hey Sam, Frank said everyone, remember?”
He swivels around in his seat ‘til he’s got both women in his peripheral. The new arrival is wrapped around the doorway, eyes wide as saucers.
“Yeah, I just have a couple of things to take care of.” He waves his arm haphazardly across the room but gestures at nothing or no one in particular.
“Sure, sure,” Traci nods, taking in the whole scene like the gifted detective she is. “I’ll make sure everyone gets over there then.”
She’s a good partner; always has his back.
“You just… whenever you’re ready,” she concedes, stealing a quick glance at his visitor. “But don’t wait too long okay?” She lifts a pointed brow in his direction. “And maybe let me know if you’ve changed your mind so I can… soften the blow.”
He knows what she’s getting at here and he is not, IS NOT changing his mind. Because he knows exactly what (who) he wants and the only place he can find it.
But he also knows that he can’t just walk away here; not without an explanation. One that he probably should have offered a few short months ago, one that might have saved them all…
“Hey, Nash.”
He watches Traci’s gaze slide easily from him and into a polite smile. “Hey, Cruz. How are you?” She inquires genuinely.
“I’m doing well thanks. Got myself a new job,” she announces proudly, glancing quickly at Sam to share her joy. “It’s behind a desk,” she explains to them both, “but so far it’s going pretty good. You guys going to the Penny?” she queries looking between the two for confirmation.
Sam still hasn’t found his voice so Traci steps up for him again. “Yeah, broke a big case today so we’re all going over to celebrate.”
Marlo smiles in response, but it’s a little rueful. She remembers what it feels like to be part of wins like that, knows she’s going to miss it… a lot. She looks over at Sam again but he’s more interested in what he’s got in his hands right now.
She reaches over the desk and slides the papers from his fingers. No time like the present she tells herself. “Come on, Sam; let’s go. This is perfect. I’ve got some apologies to make and we can get that drink we talked about.”
She’s trying to get him to look at her but all he can see are the eyebrows that have climbed to the top of Traci’s head. “Um, I don’t know,” he hedges, “I…”
Marlo follows his sight line to Traci who’s looking more than a little concerned, but not for the reason Marlo might think. “Don’t worry about it Nash,” she assures his partner, “I’ll get him there for you.”
That’s kind of what Traci is afraid of. She keeps her focus on Sam though, looks hard for any indication that he might need a little more backup before she leaves. He obviously has a lot of explaining to do… to a lot of people. And she gets that Marlo is one of them, but from where she’s standing, Marlo has not been privy to the same story she has.
“Sam.” Traci starts, struggles a little with what she wants to offer, especially in mixed company. “You, uh…”
He nods curtly. “I’m good, Nash. I got it.”
She returns his nod reluctantly, almost as unsure about the whole thing as he is but she lets it go and is out the door without another word.
Sam watches her make her way down the stairs, fights to keep his hand from the bridge of his nose when he turns his attention back to the woman beside him. “Marlo, I…”
“No, listen. I get it okay?”
“I don’t think you do,” he refutes softly.
“No, I do,” she insists, “I know you’re not a talker and neither am I. We don’t need to talk; neither one of us is great at it anyway. But that’s why we’re so good together,” she contends. “I’m not looking to make this into some big confessional. You like simple. I like simple. Let’s just start with a drink… okay? Just a drink.”
Sam’s heart clenches a little in his chest, has to fight to get the oxygen back into his lungs and brain as his own words come back to haunt him yet again.
He shakes his head, knows it’s the easy way out, hates himself a little for taking it, but old habits die hard. “You go ahead,” he insists, “I really need to finish this.”
(It takes everything he has not to roll his eyes at the irony.)
She chuckles softly, pats his hand as she pushes up from her chair. “My car is here so you do what you need to do and I’ll meet you there okay. You can’t miss your own celebration,” she insists.
He can see that if he isn’t going to man up now, and still wants to go the Penny to see everyone, which he does; this is the best he’s going to get. And at least they won’t be walking in together.
Sam huffs out a breath in defeat. “See you there.”
Her answering smile is way bigger than it should be.
As soon as she’s out of eye line, Sam tucks away the paperwork because he knows he’s not getting anything else done today. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and twirls it around in his hand debating whether or not he should text a warning, whether or not Nash has already taken care of that, whether or not he should just take his time and hope the drama is done by the time he gets there, what the odds are that anyone will be able to tell that she came to him first… how mad they might be (disappointed she might be) if he just begs off.
His phone pings then and he wonders if it’s the universe telling him what he already knows he should be doing, should have done.
He looks at the screen.
Close enough.
It’s Oliver telling him he needs to get his ass over there, that he’s feeling outnumbered by the rookies and needs someone with more maturity… and Sam’s the closest he’s got.
Oh, and he follows it up with ‘there’s a spot here between me and McNally that has your name written all over it’. Sam gets the picture, would have gotten it even without the smiley face, wink, and his friend’s virtual tongue sticking out at him. Maturity, yeah right.
He tucks the phone into his pocket and spends a few more minutes giving Marlo a healthy head start. Tries to regain some of that space he wishes he would have granted her way back when, guilty conscience or not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When he finally pulls into the parking lot, a full half hour has come and gone. Plus at least five more texts from his impatient and likely inebriated friend.
He spots Marlo’s car as he walks toward the building but there’s no sign of her anywhere. He allows himself a deep breath of relief, hoping that the fall out has been minimal. He pulls on the outside door and steels himself for what he may or may not find once he gets past the walls.
He doesn’t have to wait long.
As he steps into the entry way, a body pushes off the wall and falls into step beside him, tugging the other door open for him before he has a chance to back out. “Yeah, I… I waited for you but then when you didn’t come I thought maybe I’d just go in and get started on the apologies, but...” She throws a sheepish look his way. “Back me up?”
“Marlo, I…”
“I just don’t want to walk in alone okay? I’m not asking you to defend me or anything just…” the rest of her words are cut off by the sounds of the celebration that seems to have attracted the majority of their shift.
His eyes immediately find the table that holds his best friend, his partner and his…
Her eyes brighten as soon as soon as she sees him come in, but the gleam stops short the second Marlo slips in beside him. And even all the way across the other side of the room, he can see the light fade and he berates himself again for what he’s done, is doing, hasn`t done.
But this is McNally. And the look is there and then it’s gone. Before anyone else at the table can even take notice, her spine goes board straight and she forces the smile back on her face. Except this time, her eyes don’t get the memo.
Marlo leads the way to the table and Sam leaves himself no choice but to follow along.
As soon as they reach the group, he wants to say ‘look who I found outside’, anything to make it look like something other than what it does right now. His eyes are glued to Andy, but hers are fixed on the drink in front of her and before he can find a way to dig himself out, Marlo beats him to the punch. “I hope you don’t mind me tagging along on your celebration.”
Everyone at the table is quiet, doing their best not to look to Andy for their cue.
She gives it to them nonetheless. “Not at all,” she says sliding her unfinished drink to the middle of the table. “You can have my seat. I have to take off anyway.”
“Oh, can you stay? Just for a bit,” Marlo implores, “I’d really like to buy a round.” She looks at each of the faces around the table and takes a deep breath. “I owe you all an apology. I’m sorry that my lapse in judgement caused that whole mess and I’m especially sorry that some of you got hurt.” Her eyes pause on Chloe and Oliver and then on Sam where they visibly soften.
Sam hears the sharp intake of breath that he knows has come from Andy and it’s followed immediately by the scrape of a chair across the floor. “Thank you, but I really do have to go,” she insists, doe eyes lost in the headlights bracing for impact. “Apology accepted. Have a nice night.”
She offers an awkward smile/wave combination to each and every one at the table before she spins on her heel and bolts for the door.
Sam watches the ungraceful exit and wonders not for the first time if she’d be better off if he just let her go. He’d take every ounce of the pain if he could just save her a little.
“Is she okay?” Marlo wonders turning back to the table when she loses sight of the brunette in the crowd. “I thought you were all celebrating.”
Sam drops his head; he doesn’t need to see the heated stares. He can feel them all burning into the side of his face, and they’re telling him nothing he isn’t already telling himself. He’s screwed it up again.
Traci’s voice interrupts the mental berating he’s giving himself. “We were celebrating, are celebrating. It’s just… something came up that…” she steals a quick look at Sam, “caught her by surprise. I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding, but I should probably…
She was going to say go talk to her, but Marlo doesn’t give her the chance “Maybe you should go after her.”
Mouths around the table drop open in succession because she’s not agreeing with Traci; she’s looking straight at Nick.
And no one really knows what to say to, but clearly Andy isn’t the only one who might be misunderstanding here.
Dov pulls himself together first but before he can say anything, Nick is pushing his chair away from the table and grabbing Andy’s jacket from the back of her chair. “You know what? I think maybe I should.” He’s not even trying to hide the contempt he feels for Sam.
He doesn’t make it fully to his feet though because Sam is already up on him and he’s not about to back down. “I’m going. Sit.”
It’s an order.
“Sam?”
There’s only one person questioning his actions at the moment.
He purses his lips, places a gentle hand on her upper back. “Marlo, I’m glad things are going well for you; I am. But I can’t stay.”
Her focus bounces from Nick to Sam and then around the table. Pitying looks are her least favorite thing to begin with, but it’s even worse when she has no idea why. “Sam, what’s going on?”
Traci immediately starts ushering everyone over to the dartboard, enlists the help of Chris to get Oliver to drop his nacho and give up his front row seat. She slips the jacket from Nick’s hand and drops it at the end of the table right next to Sam.
And Sam adds two more items to the list of things he needs to thank her for.
“Marlo…” He pinches the bridge of his nose and leans against the now empty table. “I can’t, we can’t…”
“Sam? I thought…” She shakes her head. What she thinks is irrelevant right now; she needs the facts. “What’s going on?”
“Marlo, I’m sorry.”
She knows he means it. She can see the regret in his eyes, that is when they aren’t darting towards the exit… back to… her. And the thoughts she had pushed to the back of her mind so many months ago come back in full force.
“You weren’t happy.”
Sam shrugs in resignation, tries to give her something that won’t make them both feel like shit. “I was trying to be.”
She huffs out a breath that doesn’t quite make it to the chuckle she was aiming for. There were moments when they were together where she thought maybe he still harbored feelings for his ex, but then he’d throw his arm around her and pull out those damn dimples and… “You fooled me.”
“I was fooling myself,” he amends, but the look on Marlo’s face tells him the distinction isn’t really making her feel a whole lot better.
“I thought I could be, but…” He lets out a long, slow breath, knows he should probably quit while he’s, not really ahead, but… he needs to do this, needs to close this chapter completely. “I couldn’t, can’t be happy… not without her.”
Marlo stares wordlessly at Sam but he’s not even seeing her anymore; he’s too busy facing his own truths. “I thought I could live with simple, that I wanted it to be easy.”
He misses her visible flinch at the description of his feelings, or more lack of.
“I thought that’s what I wanted. But every time I thought about the future, it was… more. And it was always with Andy.”
“How long?” Marlo demands, finally able to pull his attention back to her.
Sam shakes his head. “Longer than I care to admit.” His mouth tugs up at the corner but there’s no way it could be considered a smile; there’s too much remorse. “I’m sorry.”
“Why then?” She’s not that girl so she won’t allow herself to beg but she still wants to understand.
Sam furrows his brow. “Why what?”
“I asked you for space,” she reminds him, “and you still kept coming around. I thought… how am I not supposed to think…?”
“I’m sorry.” He doesn’t know what else to say without making things worse. He knows now (then too if truth be told) that he should have ended it a long time ago. Probably the second she came back from Miami, after Frank and Noelle’s wedding, when his thoughts started drifting to the future (to Andy) more and more.
“Me too,” she agrees, but for a completely different reason.
Sam nods and then lifts a hand towards the entrance. “I’m just gonna…”
She waves him away already heading in the opposite direction, her sights set on the quickest way out.
She doesn’t look back, doesn’t need to… he’s already gone.
Sam worms his way through the crowd just short of a jog and stumbles at the door when it falls out from underneath him.
Two small hands reach out to steady him. When he looks up, his offer of thanks evaporates on his tongue along with every ounce of moisture in his mouth. It takes him a minute to steady his heart and find his voice. “I thought you left.”
“I, uh, forgot something.”
Right. His heart drops a little as he extends his hand. “Your jacket.”
She tugs the garment from his hand, but makes no move to put it on. “That too,” she sighs.
Sam’s eyebrows knit together; he looks back to see what else she might have forgotten, but the door has already closed behind him. He thinks, but… “What else did you…?”
She shrugs a little, a grin tugging at the corner of her lips. “Well it can definitely keep me warm at night.”
When he meets the twinkle in her eye, he lets himself hope a little. He tucks his tongue into his cheek, wages a war against a smirk of his own. “Oh yeah? Must be pretty important.”
“Oh, it is,” she assures him, and then she takes a couple of tentative steps forward to try and close the gap between them. “It’s definitely worth coming back for and I wasn’t going to just let it go, not without a fight, not anymore.”
Sam reaches a hand out to take hold of hers. As soon as he’s got a firm grip, he slides their arms around her waist and tugs her in nice and close. “Is that so?”
Andy slides her other hand around the back of his neck, her jacket resting against his spine. She tries to keep her tone light. “So am I going to have to invite her to the next retrain or what?”
Sam shakes his head, chuckles quietly. “I don’t think that will be necessary.”
Her eyes go soft, even a bit sad. “What happened, Sam?”
He can feel her pulling back a little, but he doesn’t let go, keeps her right there, nice and close. “She surprised me; showed up at my office and wanted to go for a drink. And then she invited herself along to the Penny.” He closes his eyes. “And I didn’t know how to tell her…”
She feels her body shift with him as he shrugs, and he huffs out a breath… but that’s all there is. Andy tries not to be disappointed; she’s pretty sure that she knows how he feels, they’ve danced their way around it enough since he’s woken up, but… she just really wants to hear him say it, needs to know that they really are past all of this. “Tell her what, Sam? What does she need to know?”
Sam drops a soft kiss on her temple and lets his lips ghost along her cheek until he reaches the shell of her ear. “That I am totally and completely in love with someone else.”
Her jacket slips from her fingers and she wriggles her other arm out from behind her. She links both hands around his neck. And she laughs. She just can’t keep it inside. It's true and complete happiness.
And it feels so much better than just trying not to be sad.
Sam chuckles along with her. It isn’t quite the reaction he was going for, but he doesn’t take it personally because it is the most joyful thing he has heard in a very, very long time. And it makes him happy. He’s not trying to be. He doesn’t have to think about it. He just is.
They stay wrapped up in their own little cocoon until the door slides open just a touch and they hear shouted goodbyes coming from behind it. Sam loosens his grip and his smile widens at the sigh that escapes Andy’s mouth. He picks her jacket up off the floor and holds it out for her to slip her arms in. “You know you could’ve just taken the truck if you wanted to stay warm.”
Andy pivots on her heel when the jacket slides over her shoulders; she giggles a little when Sam’s hands beat her to the zipper. She lets him get her all bundled up and warm and then grins when he pecks her on the cheek and steps back.
“Well, I still would have had to come back,” she decides as she slides past him and presses against the outer door.
He follows her out into the night, brow furrowed until she fishes the keys out of her jacket pocket and pops the lock to the door on his truck. “Besides, what would you have done if you came outside and your baby was gone?”
A squeak of surprise escapes her lips when two strong arms wrap solidly around her waist and pull her back towards him. He rests his chin on her shoulder. “I’d jump in the truck and go after her.”
She’s pretty sure he’s aiming for a tease here but with that soft, gravelly tone he uses, yeah, the joke is a little lost, on both of them. She lets her body relax against his, tilts her head back until her cheek is right against his too. “Listen to you. You better be careful or a girl could get
used to this.”
He holds her just a little bit tighter.
No, he… he could get used to this. And he wants to, wants it all. He wants to tease her every day, make her laugh until her stomach hurts (and his face will hurt too because he’s smiling so hard.) Wants to go home with her every night. Go to bed with her and wake up with her every morning. He wants to tell her every day so he doesn’t have to think about ‘what if he had just…’ or ‘why didn’t he say something’. Hell, he even wants to fight with her, chase after her when he knows he’s screwed up, and then smile because she’s coming back for him too. He wants to make her those dinners and take out her garbage, no their garbage. He’ll even get the damn dog if that’s what she wants. Because ready or not, he wants it all. Real life…
She nudges her body against his, her voice soft like she’s not sure she should intrude on his thoughts. “Hey. Hey. You ready to go home?”
“With you?”
He can feel her smile against his cheek; feel the light chuckle against the hands he still has woven tightly around her waist. “Yeah, with me.”
With her.
I can't profess to say that I wrote it for radleyboo 's birthday but it was good motivation to set my mind to it and get it done. Hopefully it's just one more good thing that comes her way today.
I don’t even know if this is believable, but I think it stems from my need for complete closure on the whole Smarlo debacle (which it now sounds like we may get.) I need it to end on Sam’s terms though, not just fall by the wayside. Silly…I know, but that's just me.
I flip flop back and forth with my thoughts on Marlo. I think she had some insecurity about Sam’s feelings for Andy based on some of the looks we saw. But she must have had at least some hope for Sam to get over it if she considered going off her meds to pursue the feelings she thought she had.
As much as I dislike Marlo, I think this actually serves to redeem her a little too. Sam deserves way more than an ‘is there any news’ and a few tears at her locker.
There's more Marlo in this than I would like, but there's only one way this can go and that's McSwarek.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sam’s got the last of the paperwork in front of him; he can already feel the burn of the scotch he’s going to make sure Oliver has waiting for him when he finally gets out of here. They’d busted open a huge smuggling ring today and everyone was expected at the Penny to celebrate. It’s his first big case since coming back from being shot and it’s taken a lot out of him, mentally and physically.
Yeah, he really needs to work on building his stamina back up. Two months doesn’t sound like a long time but his body is more than protesting right now. Apparently it was getting a little too used to taking it easy what with the mandate of no motion and then slow motion for the better part of that time. He’s been back for a week now and these last 48 hours have definitely taken their toll. Still he’s not about to miss out on…
“Now there’s a sight for sore eyes.”
Sam can feel the tension creep up his back. He tries to hide his surprise at hearing that particular voice before he spins in his chair and feigns nonchalance. “What’s that?”
“It’s just… it’s good to see you… here, back at work I mean…” There are a lot of stops and starts in the sentiment as she fails to maintain the cool façade she led with. “I, uh, I’m glad you’re back, glad you’re okay.”
He pretends not to notice her apprehension, tries even harder not to think about all the things he probably should have taken note of… in the past. “How are you?”
“Good, good,” she assures him, nodding her head as if that makes it all true.
Sam narrows his gaze. So much has changed and yet this, it’s still the same as it’s always been. “How are you really, Marlo?”
She huffs out a small laugh and sits down in Traci’s chair, rolls it closer in the same motion.
She stops it up against the front of his desk and drops her arms down, resting against the barrier that stands solidly between them. “I really am good, Sam. I’m on my meds, stable, back to my old self.” She smiles a little more naturally this time. “It feels good.”
Sam returns the smile though he can’t quite seem to reach the level of ease that she seems to have adopted. “Good, I’m glad.”
She can’t hold his gaze though, eyes roaming around the room like she’s taking stock, trying to decide if anything’s different.
It doesn’t take long for the silence to drift into the uncomfortable territory and Sam searches his mind for something to say, anything. “I read the report a few days ago,” he tilts his head to try and meet her eye, “since I hadn’t heard…”
Her smile fades as she studies her hands, thinks about the picture she left sitting on her counter at home, the one she went back for after her meeting with Frank, the one with the smile that prompted her to stop by today. “Yeah, I uh, I didn’t really want to run into anyone, and there were a lot of meetings with the brass, my psychiatrist, Frank. When I did come to the hospital, it was pretty late. You were asleep and I didn’t want to…”
Sam doesn’t ask her why she didn’t stop by his house once he made it home. Truth be told, he hadn’t really expected her to, is a little surprised that she’s even here now. He’d just assumed…
“Marlo, it’s fine okay? I get it. You had a lot on your plate. It’s fine.”
They sit in silence for a few more moments while Sam watches… waits. He can see that she wants to say more but like him, words don’t always come easy.
He has to help.
“Marlo?”
It takes a deep breath and a few extra seconds, before she steels her resolve and decides to just go for it. “So I was wondering if maybe we could have a drink. Maybe see where things go?” She shrugs. “I miss you and I mean we had a good thing going right? We were happy.” She tilts her head to the side a little, now trying to meet his eye, maybe get a read on how receptive he might be. “It was nice… easy.”
When Sam doesn’t jump right in, she thinks maybe he just needs a little more reassurance. After all, he’s a forgiving guy; he showed that when he came to see her when she took leave, covered for her at work. “I’m not going to make the same mistakes again and…”
Sam has to consciously stop his jaw from dropping onto the desk. This is not at all what he was expecting when she sidled in tonight. He thought maybe an apology, an ‘I’m glad you’re okay’ or a ‘good luck’, or perhaps a ‘maybe I’ll see you around’ that neither one of them really means, but not this. Hell, she asked him for space after everything hit the fan; he may not have completely given it to her, but still, she had to know right?
And the last time they spoke, well he wasn’t really playing the part of picture-perfect, understanding boyfriend at that point so…
Sifting his way through his own thoughts, he misses the rest of her plea until a more pressing ‘what do you say?’ breaks through the fog. His mouth opens and closes a couple of times. After everything that went down, he really thought it went without saying. But apparently the universe has other plans; wants to test his newfound resolve to be more open and honest about how he feels.
“Hey Sam, Frank said everyone, remember?”
He swivels around in his seat ‘til he’s got both women in his peripheral. The new arrival is wrapped around the doorway, eyes wide as saucers.
“Yeah, I just have a couple of things to take care of.” He waves his arm haphazardly across the room but gestures at nothing or no one in particular.
“Sure, sure,” Traci nods, taking in the whole scene like the gifted detective she is. “I’ll make sure everyone gets over there then.”
She’s a good partner; always has his back.
“You just… whenever you’re ready,” she concedes, stealing a quick glance at his visitor. “But don’t wait too long okay?” She lifts a pointed brow in his direction. “And maybe let me know if you’ve changed your mind so I can… soften the blow.”
He knows what she’s getting at here and he is not, IS NOT changing his mind. Because he knows exactly what (who) he wants and the only place he can find it.
But he also knows that he can’t just walk away here; not without an explanation. One that he probably should have offered a few short months ago, one that might have saved them all…
“Hey, Nash.”
He watches Traci’s gaze slide easily from him and into a polite smile. “Hey, Cruz. How are you?” She inquires genuinely.
“I’m doing well thanks. Got myself a new job,” she announces proudly, glancing quickly at Sam to share her joy. “It’s behind a desk,” she explains to them both, “but so far it’s going pretty good. You guys going to the Penny?” she queries looking between the two for confirmation.
Sam still hasn’t found his voice so Traci steps up for him again. “Yeah, broke a big case today so we’re all going over to celebrate.”
Marlo smiles in response, but it’s a little rueful. She remembers what it feels like to be part of wins like that, knows she’s going to miss it… a lot. She looks over at Sam again but he’s more interested in what he’s got in his hands right now.
She reaches over the desk and slides the papers from his fingers. No time like the present she tells herself. “Come on, Sam; let’s go. This is perfect. I’ve got some apologies to make and we can get that drink we talked about.”
She’s trying to get him to look at her but all he can see are the eyebrows that have climbed to the top of Traci’s head. “Um, I don’t know,” he hedges, “I…”
Marlo follows his sight line to Traci who’s looking more than a little concerned, but not for the reason Marlo might think. “Don’t worry about it Nash,” she assures his partner, “I’ll get him there for you.”
That’s kind of what Traci is afraid of. She keeps her focus on Sam though, looks hard for any indication that he might need a little more backup before she leaves. He obviously has a lot of explaining to do… to a lot of people. And she gets that Marlo is one of them, but from where she’s standing, Marlo has not been privy to the same story she has.
“Sam.” Traci starts, struggles a little with what she wants to offer, especially in mixed company. “You, uh…”
He nods curtly. “I’m good, Nash. I got it.”
She returns his nod reluctantly, almost as unsure about the whole thing as he is but she lets it go and is out the door without another word.
Sam watches her make her way down the stairs, fights to keep his hand from the bridge of his nose when he turns his attention back to the woman beside him. “Marlo, I…”
“No, listen. I get it okay?”
“I don’t think you do,” he refutes softly.
“No, I do,” she insists, “I know you’re not a talker and neither am I. We don’t need to talk; neither one of us is great at it anyway. But that’s why we’re so good together,” she contends. “I’m not looking to make this into some big confessional. You like simple. I like simple. Let’s just start with a drink… okay? Just a drink.”
Sam’s heart clenches a little in his chest, has to fight to get the oxygen back into his lungs and brain as his own words come back to haunt him yet again.
He shakes his head, knows it’s the easy way out, hates himself a little for taking it, but old habits die hard. “You go ahead,” he insists, “I really need to finish this.”
(It takes everything he has not to roll his eyes at the irony.)
She chuckles softly, pats his hand as she pushes up from her chair. “My car is here so you do what you need to do and I’ll meet you there okay. You can’t miss your own celebration,” she insists.
He can see that if he isn’t going to man up now, and still wants to go the Penny to see everyone, which he does; this is the best he’s going to get. And at least they won’t be walking in together.
Sam huffs out a breath in defeat. “See you there.”
Her answering smile is way bigger than it should be.
As soon as she’s out of eye line, Sam tucks away the paperwork because he knows he’s not getting anything else done today. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and twirls it around in his hand debating whether or not he should text a warning, whether or not Nash has already taken care of that, whether or not he should just take his time and hope the drama is done by the time he gets there, what the odds are that anyone will be able to tell that she came to him first… how mad they might be (disappointed she might be) if he just begs off.
His phone pings then and he wonders if it’s the universe telling him what he already knows he should be doing, should have done.
He looks at the screen.
Close enough.
It’s Oliver telling him he needs to get his ass over there, that he’s feeling outnumbered by the rookies and needs someone with more maturity… and Sam’s the closest he’s got.
Oh, and he follows it up with ‘there’s a spot here between me and McNally that has your name written all over it’. Sam gets the picture, would have gotten it even without the smiley face, wink, and his friend’s virtual tongue sticking out at him. Maturity, yeah right.
He tucks the phone into his pocket and spends a few more minutes giving Marlo a healthy head start. Tries to regain some of that space he wishes he would have granted her way back when, guilty conscience or not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When he finally pulls into the parking lot, a full half hour has come and gone. Plus at least five more texts from his impatient and likely inebriated friend.
He spots Marlo’s car as he walks toward the building but there’s no sign of her anywhere. He allows himself a deep breath of relief, hoping that the fall out has been minimal. He pulls on the outside door and steels himself for what he may or may not find once he gets past the walls.
He doesn’t have to wait long.
As he steps into the entry way, a body pushes off the wall and falls into step beside him, tugging the other door open for him before he has a chance to back out. “Yeah, I… I waited for you but then when you didn’t come I thought maybe I’d just go in and get started on the apologies, but...” She throws a sheepish look his way. “Back me up?”
“Marlo, I…”
“I just don’t want to walk in alone okay? I’m not asking you to defend me or anything just…” the rest of her words are cut off by the sounds of the celebration that seems to have attracted the majority of their shift.
His eyes immediately find the table that holds his best friend, his partner and his…
Her eyes brighten as soon as soon as she sees him come in, but the gleam stops short the second Marlo slips in beside him. And even all the way across the other side of the room, he can see the light fade and he berates himself again for what he’s done, is doing, hasn`t done.
But this is McNally. And the look is there and then it’s gone. Before anyone else at the table can even take notice, her spine goes board straight and she forces the smile back on her face. Except this time, her eyes don’t get the memo.
Marlo leads the way to the table and Sam leaves himself no choice but to follow along.
As soon as they reach the group, he wants to say ‘look who I found outside’, anything to make it look like something other than what it does right now. His eyes are glued to Andy, but hers are fixed on the drink in front of her and before he can find a way to dig himself out, Marlo beats him to the punch. “I hope you don’t mind me tagging along on your celebration.”
Everyone at the table is quiet, doing their best not to look to Andy for their cue.
She gives it to them nonetheless. “Not at all,” she says sliding her unfinished drink to the middle of the table. “You can have my seat. I have to take off anyway.”
“Oh, can you stay? Just for a bit,” Marlo implores, “I’d really like to buy a round.” She looks at each of the faces around the table and takes a deep breath. “I owe you all an apology. I’m sorry that my lapse in judgement caused that whole mess and I’m especially sorry that some of you got hurt.” Her eyes pause on Chloe and Oliver and then on Sam where they visibly soften.
Sam hears the sharp intake of breath that he knows has come from Andy and it’s followed immediately by the scrape of a chair across the floor. “Thank you, but I really do have to go,” she insists, doe eyes lost in the headlights bracing for impact. “Apology accepted. Have a nice night.”
She offers an awkward smile/wave combination to each and every one at the table before she spins on her heel and bolts for the door.
Sam watches the ungraceful exit and wonders not for the first time if she’d be better off if he just let her go. He’d take every ounce of the pain if he could just save her a little.
“Is she okay?” Marlo wonders turning back to the table when she loses sight of the brunette in the crowd. “I thought you were all celebrating.”
Sam drops his head; he doesn’t need to see the heated stares. He can feel them all burning into the side of his face, and they’re telling him nothing he isn’t already telling himself. He’s screwed it up again.
Traci’s voice interrupts the mental berating he’s giving himself. “We were celebrating, are celebrating. It’s just… something came up that…” she steals a quick look at Sam, “caught her by surprise. I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding, but I should probably…
She was going to say go talk to her, but Marlo doesn’t give her the chance “Maybe you should go after her.”
Mouths around the table drop open in succession because she’s not agreeing with Traci; she’s looking straight at Nick.
And no one really knows what to say to, but clearly Andy isn’t the only one who might be misunderstanding here.
Dov pulls himself together first but before he can say anything, Nick is pushing his chair away from the table and grabbing Andy’s jacket from the back of her chair. “You know what? I think maybe I should.” He’s not even trying to hide the contempt he feels for Sam.
He doesn’t make it fully to his feet though because Sam is already up on him and he’s not about to back down. “I’m going. Sit.”
It’s an order.
“Sam?”
There’s only one person questioning his actions at the moment.
He purses his lips, places a gentle hand on her upper back. “Marlo, I’m glad things are going well for you; I am. But I can’t stay.”
Her focus bounces from Nick to Sam and then around the table. Pitying looks are her least favorite thing to begin with, but it’s even worse when she has no idea why. “Sam, what’s going on?”
Traci immediately starts ushering everyone over to the dartboard, enlists the help of Chris to get Oliver to drop his nacho and give up his front row seat. She slips the jacket from Nick’s hand and drops it at the end of the table right next to Sam.
And Sam adds two more items to the list of things he needs to thank her for.
“Marlo…” He pinches the bridge of his nose and leans against the now empty table. “I can’t, we can’t…”
“Sam? I thought…” She shakes her head. What she thinks is irrelevant right now; she needs the facts. “What’s going on?”
“Marlo, I’m sorry.”
She knows he means it. She can see the regret in his eyes, that is when they aren’t darting towards the exit… back to… her. And the thoughts she had pushed to the back of her mind so many months ago come back in full force.
“You weren’t happy.”
Sam shrugs in resignation, tries to give her something that won’t make them both feel like shit. “I was trying to be.”
She huffs out a breath that doesn’t quite make it to the chuckle she was aiming for. There were moments when they were together where she thought maybe he still harbored feelings for his ex, but then he’d throw his arm around her and pull out those damn dimples and… “You fooled me.”
“I was fooling myself,” he amends, but the look on Marlo’s face tells him the distinction isn’t really making her feel a whole lot better.
“I thought I could be, but…” He lets out a long, slow breath, knows he should probably quit while he’s, not really ahead, but… he needs to do this, needs to close this chapter completely. “I couldn’t, can’t be happy… not without her.”
Marlo stares wordlessly at Sam but he’s not even seeing her anymore; he’s too busy facing his own truths. “I thought I could live with simple, that I wanted it to be easy.”
He misses her visible flinch at the description of his feelings, or more lack of.
“I thought that’s what I wanted. But every time I thought about the future, it was… more. And it was always with Andy.”
“How long?” Marlo demands, finally able to pull his attention back to her.
Sam shakes his head. “Longer than I care to admit.” His mouth tugs up at the corner but there’s no way it could be considered a smile; there’s too much remorse. “I’m sorry.”
“Why then?” She’s not that girl so she won’t allow herself to beg but she still wants to understand.
Sam furrows his brow. “Why what?”
“I asked you for space,” she reminds him, “and you still kept coming around. I thought… how am I not supposed to think…?”
“I’m sorry.” He doesn’t know what else to say without making things worse. He knows now (then too if truth be told) that he should have ended it a long time ago. Probably the second she came back from Miami, after Frank and Noelle’s wedding, when his thoughts started drifting to the future (to Andy) more and more.
“Me too,” she agrees, but for a completely different reason.
Sam nods and then lifts a hand towards the entrance. “I’m just gonna…”
She waves him away already heading in the opposite direction, her sights set on the quickest way out.
She doesn’t look back, doesn’t need to… he’s already gone.
Sam worms his way through the crowd just short of a jog and stumbles at the door when it falls out from underneath him.
Two small hands reach out to steady him. When he looks up, his offer of thanks evaporates on his tongue along with every ounce of moisture in his mouth. It takes him a minute to steady his heart and find his voice. “I thought you left.”
“I, uh, forgot something.”
Right. His heart drops a little as he extends his hand. “Your jacket.”
She tugs the garment from his hand, but makes no move to put it on. “That too,” she sighs.
Sam’s eyebrows knit together; he looks back to see what else she might have forgotten, but the door has already closed behind him. He thinks, but… “What else did you…?”
She shrugs a little, a grin tugging at the corner of her lips. “Well it can definitely keep me warm at night.”
When he meets the twinkle in her eye, he lets himself hope a little. He tucks his tongue into his cheek, wages a war against a smirk of his own. “Oh yeah? Must be pretty important.”
“Oh, it is,” she assures him, and then she takes a couple of tentative steps forward to try and close the gap between them. “It’s definitely worth coming back for and I wasn’t going to just let it go, not without a fight, not anymore.”
Sam reaches a hand out to take hold of hers. As soon as he’s got a firm grip, he slides their arms around her waist and tugs her in nice and close. “Is that so?”
Andy slides her other hand around the back of his neck, her jacket resting against his spine. She tries to keep her tone light. “So am I going to have to invite her to the next retrain or what?”
Sam shakes his head, chuckles quietly. “I don’t think that will be necessary.”
Her eyes go soft, even a bit sad. “What happened, Sam?”
He can feel her pulling back a little, but he doesn’t let go, keeps her right there, nice and close. “She surprised me; showed up at my office and wanted to go for a drink. And then she invited herself along to the Penny.” He closes his eyes. “And I didn’t know how to tell her…”
She feels her body shift with him as he shrugs, and he huffs out a breath… but that’s all there is. Andy tries not to be disappointed; she’s pretty sure that she knows how he feels, they’ve danced their way around it enough since he’s woken up, but… she just really wants to hear him say it, needs to know that they really are past all of this. “Tell her what, Sam? What does she need to know?”
Sam drops a soft kiss on her temple and lets his lips ghost along her cheek until he reaches the shell of her ear. “That I am totally and completely in love with someone else.”
Her jacket slips from her fingers and she wriggles her other arm out from behind her. She links both hands around his neck. And she laughs. She just can’t keep it inside. It's true and complete happiness.
And it feels so much better than just trying not to be sad.
Sam chuckles along with her. It isn’t quite the reaction he was going for, but he doesn’t take it personally because it is the most joyful thing he has heard in a very, very long time. And it makes him happy. He’s not trying to be. He doesn’t have to think about it. He just is.
They stay wrapped up in their own little cocoon until the door slides open just a touch and they hear shouted goodbyes coming from behind it. Sam loosens his grip and his smile widens at the sigh that escapes Andy’s mouth. He picks her jacket up off the floor and holds it out for her to slip her arms in. “You know you could’ve just taken the truck if you wanted to stay warm.”
Andy pivots on her heel when the jacket slides over her shoulders; she giggles a little when Sam’s hands beat her to the zipper. She lets him get her all bundled up and warm and then grins when he pecks her on the cheek and steps back.
“Well, I still would have had to come back,” she decides as she slides past him and presses against the outer door.
He follows her out into the night, brow furrowed until she fishes the keys out of her jacket pocket and pops the lock to the door on his truck. “Besides, what would you have done if you came outside and your baby was gone?”
A squeak of surprise escapes her lips when two strong arms wrap solidly around her waist and pull her back towards him. He rests his chin on her shoulder. “I’d jump in the truck and go after her.”
She’s pretty sure he’s aiming for a tease here but with that soft, gravelly tone he uses, yeah, the joke is a little lost, on both of them. She lets her body relax against his, tilts her head back until her cheek is right against his too. “Listen to you. You better be careful or a girl could get
used to this.”
He holds her just a little bit tighter.
No, he… he could get used to this. And he wants to, wants it all. He wants to tease her every day, make her laugh until her stomach hurts (and his face will hurt too because he’s smiling so hard.) Wants to go home with her every night. Go to bed with her and wake up with her every morning. He wants to tell her every day so he doesn’t have to think about ‘what if he had just…’ or ‘why didn’t he say something’. Hell, he even wants to fight with her, chase after her when he knows he’s screwed up, and then smile because she’s coming back for him too. He wants to make her those dinners and take out her garbage, no their garbage. He’ll even get the damn dog if that’s what she wants. Because ready or not, he wants it all. Real life…
She nudges her body against his, her voice soft like she’s not sure she should intrude on his thoughts. “Hey. Hey. You ready to go home?”
“With you?”
He can feel her smile against his cheek; feel the light chuckle against the hands he still has woven tightly around her waist. “Yeah, with me.”
With her.