(no subject)
Thoughts on myself, my coming out and the friends who changed more than they'll ever know.
So I spend alot of time thinking about the whole "me being gay-thing" and I think thats pretty normal because when you first open that lid and accept it yourself and then tell somebody, but there are people in your life who still don't know, important people, like my family.
But anyway, the point is..I've come out to one person, one important person whos known me for about three years now, and that does actually make her one of my "oldest" friends. i mean I had friends before three years ago, but no one who stuck around so to speak, I guess we grew apart. Looking back now, there are friends that I wish I still had, like my first friend ever, Aleksander, we used to do everything together ever since we were babies. We have ALWAYS been in the same class. FOR THIRTEEN YEARS we somehow ended up in the same class. But unfortuantly had a falling out of sorts when we were like 12 or 13, which was about the time when I started to realize I was different. I mean, I didn't know exactly why or maybe even how.
But from around age 10, I was starting to have a terrible time at school, I was bullied for being fat, and different. I had friends, but no one was really that good. I had one girl, whose still my neighbour, who was my best friend and I actually did continue to hang out with her untill we started different high schools. (we have 10 years of elemetary schooling and then 3 of upper education), and she was there for me when my parents divorced. But I never had friends that I felt that I could really trust and rely on ever since Aleksander and I fell out.
I mean, I got superdepressed and sucidal my first year after finisihing elementary school and starting 8th grade. I was a complete mess for so many different reasons, some may very well have been about my sexuality, both mostly I just felt so alone because I had no one to talk to. But when I started high school things changed, I met the girl who I know call my bestfriend, and she is amazing in so many ways. And I trust her with my life, and I know that I can always count on her. But here is the point, she is my bestfriend, and have been for the past three years. I would have said she knew my pretty well, untill I came out.
She had no idea I was gay. Which for itself is okay I guess, I mean many people don't "look gay" so to speak, but you see..
I started university this year, and I actually quite suprisingly found a group of friends pretty quickly, and they're great. So we starting drinking together since that is what people do at university. And I came out to them, as the first people I ever told after I'd known them barely for a months. I just came out, as bi, because I started hinting, and they asked "Are you bi?" and I obviously said "yes", it was hard enough that. But then a couple of months later we were partying again, and I have a friend who is bi and we started talking as a group about something, dating, boys, sex or something, I have to admit that at this point I was pretty drunk, but I am pretty sure me and my bi-friend started a discussion about girl we found attractive, and then Grethe, one of my other friends asked "Are you a lesbian or bi?" to both of us, my friend said "I am bi." and I said, "I would label myself as lesbian, I see myself marrying a woman, and dating girls but I have bisexual tendencies in the way that I see certain boys as attractive but I wouldn't actually date guys" . So then I was like completely out in a community that I had been in for like 4 months.
But the point is, we started talking about this, because I still haven't told my family or at that point anyone back home at all. And they were all "maybe they already know." and then my friend Marielle said, "Heck, I suspected/"knew" from the first moment I saw you but I didn't want to ask incase you didn't know yourself." And there was nodding around the room suggesting that they all knew or atleast suspected. And there I was.. HUH? THEY ALL KNEW? They'd known me for a month when I told them and at that point they all suspected. I started thinking "Am I that obvious?" so I when I finally plucked up the courage to tell my bestfriend, I also asked if she suspected. And she said, no. She didn't.
So now I am wondering did I fundamentally change when I stepped onto the new campus with a new start? Did it become obvious in me because I was allowed to wipe the slate clean and forget about all the pain and problems I'd had? Or did my new friends have an amazing gaydar? I am still wondering. I am actually hoping that it was the change within me because maybe it was needed, or maybe my friends back home just choose not to notice because they found it easier if I was like them?
This is a constant battle that I've just begun, I have taken the first steps and plan on taking a new big step on New Years. I am telling the rest of my friends that I am gay. I am done hiding with my friends, if they can't accept me then I don't need them in my life. I have found new friends that embrace all of me, and actually find it awesome that I am gay and that I was brave enough to tell them. I don't know if any of them will ever know just how much they did for me that day, when we were drinking, laughing and they accepted me exactly for who I am. No questions asked.
So I spend alot of time thinking about the whole "me being gay-thing" and I think thats pretty normal because when you first open that lid and accept it yourself and then tell somebody, but there are people in your life who still don't know, important people, like my family.
But anyway, the point is..I've come out to one person, one important person whos known me for about three years now, and that does actually make her one of my "oldest" friends. i mean I had friends before three years ago, but no one who stuck around so to speak, I guess we grew apart. Looking back now, there are friends that I wish I still had, like my first friend ever, Aleksander, we used to do everything together ever since we were babies. We have ALWAYS been in the same class. FOR THIRTEEN YEARS we somehow ended up in the same class. But unfortuantly had a falling out of sorts when we were like 12 or 13, which was about the time when I started to realize I was different. I mean, I didn't know exactly why or maybe even how.
But from around age 10, I was starting to have a terrible time at school, I was bullied for being fat, and different. I had friends, but no one was really that good. I had one girl, whose still my neighbour, who was my best friend and I actually did continue to hang out with her untill we started different high schools. (we have 10 years of elemetary schooling and then 3 of upper education), and she was there for me when my parents divorced. But I never had friends that I felt that I could really trust and rely on ever since Aleksander and I fell out.
I mean, I got superdepressed and sucidal my first year after finisihing elementary school and starting 8th grade. I was a complete mess for so many different reasons, some may very well have been about my sexuality, both mostly I just felt so alone because I had no one to talk to. But when I started high school things changed, I met the girl who I know call my bestfriend, and she is amazing in so many ways. And I trust her with my life, and I know that I can always count on her. But here is the point, she is my bestfriend, and have been for the past three years. I would have said she knew my pretty well, untill I came out.
She had no idea I was gay. Which for itself is okay I guess, I mean many people don't "look gay" so to speak, but you see..
I started university this year, and I actually quite suprisingly found a group of friends pretty quickly, and they're great. So we starting drinking together since that is what people do at university. And I came out to them, as the first people I ever told after I'd known them barely for a months. I just came out, as bi, because I started hinting, and they asked "Are you bi?" and I obviously said "yes", it was hard enough that. But then a couple of months later we were partying again, and I have a friend who is bi and we started talking as a group about something, dating, boys, sex or something, I have to admit that at this point I was pretty drunk, but I am pretty sure me and my bi-friend started a discussion about girl we found attractive, and then Grethe, one of my other friends asked "Are you a lesbian or bi?" to both of us, my friend said "I am bi." and I said, "I would label myself as lesbian, I see myself marrying a woman, and dating girls but I have bisexual tendencies in the way that I see certain boys as attractive but I wouldn't actually date guys" . So then I was like completely out in a community that I had been in for like 4 months.
But the point is, we started talking about this, because I still haven't told my family or at that point anyone back home at all. And they were all "maybe they already know." and then my friend Marielle said, "Heck, I suspected/"knew" from the first moment I saw you but I didn't want to ask incase you didn't know yourself." And there was nodding around the room suggesting that they all knew or atleast suspected. And there I was.. HUH? THEY ALL KNEW? They'd known me for a month when I told them and at that point they all suspected. I started thinking "Am I that obvious?" so I when I finally plucked up the courage to tell my bestfriend, I also asked if she suspected. And she said, no. She didn't.
So now I am wondering did I fundamentally change when I stepped onto the new campus with a new start? Did it become obvious in me because I was allowed to wipe the slate clean and forget about all the pain and problems I'd had? Or did my new friends have an amazing gaydar? I am still wondering. I am actually hoping that it was the change within me because maybe it was needed, or maybe my friends back home just choose not to notice because they found it easier if I was like them?
This is a constant battle that I've just begun, I have taken the first steps and plan on taking a new big step on New Years. I am telling the rest of my friends that I am gay. I am done hiding with my friends, if they can't accept me then I don't need them in my life. I have found new friends that embrace all of me, and actually find it awesome that I am gay and that I was brave enough to tell them. I don't know if any of them will ever know just how much they did for me that day, when we were drinking, laughing and they accepted me exactly for who I am. No questions asked.