Mexico ...
Even a few hours on the sand is healing. Everyone thinks he works like he does because he's a workaholic, but he works like he does because Mexico is too far away for him to disappear to on a regular basis. Mike has been patient, reminding him that women are poison and he needs to move on, but has let him mope and carve. The toy car for James is almost done. He wrote the letter to Heather on the plane. Mike has promised to deliver them both within the week.
Sitting on the porch, watching the sun set, he allows himself nostalgia rather than tears. It doesn't matter what he wants, he knows. This situation is bigger than anyone really understands and he can respect that even if he doesn't like the outcome. Sunsets remind him of Heather, of chasing her down the beach, of making love to her in tiny secluded coves and motels with the windows open and the surf pounding against the shore.
After the sun goes down, he stands. He's been drinking most of the day but his body has adjusted to the alcohol in his system and when he stands he is not wobbly. Inside, he places the car and the letter inside a small box and closes it. Mike is already snoring away and Jethro collapses onto the couch and tries to sleep.
Heather,
Leaving it like we did haunts me. It always does when we leave, because it has always been because of someone else, someone besides yourself that are desperate to make happy. This time, for all my anger, I understand the whys. I do. And Jenny loves you, always. Don’t forget that, even when she’s pushing you away.
But, as we move into whatever this is to become, I only ask three things:
First, remember that I’ve loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you. Forgive me for being a coward all those years ago. I went to your wedding and I stood outside and when the minister asked if there was anyone who believed you and Charles shouldn’t be married, I didn’t step forward. I stood there and watched you say I do and I left before anyone saw me. I didn’t to cause ripples anymore than you did and the ripples we’ve caused this time have broken too many hearts. So, I will be waiting whenever you are ready. Some people would call me stupid, but I don’t care.
Second, patch things up with Jenny. She and I will never be the same, and I don’t want us to be. I made that decision long before the chaos of the past week. For a long time, I’ve been tired of how she treats me when she now claims to still love me. She’s still the best partner I ever had and I will forever love her, but I stopped being in love with her a long time ago. And the reason I am not standing on your doorstep, begging you to leave with me, is because Jenny is your sister, not your best friend or your co worker but your sister. As wrong as it feels for me to sit and wait for my turn to be with you, because I’ve been waiting for fifteen years, she is your sister and that matters more than anything else. I don’t think I realized that until now, but the inklings of that understanding came when I saw James and Daniel playing together.
Third, I’ve lost one child and now I am, at least for the time being, losing another. So I ask this because I know you would not intentionally keep him from me during this separation. Please, don’t send me updates or pictures. Please. To watch him grow and not be there may be a worse torture than knowing I would never see him again at all. Let me get to know him when the time is right. The toy I’ve included with this letter is for him - it is up to you to decide to give it to him.
I love you. And I’m crazy enough to wait because I have loved you forever.
Take care of yourself. Take care of our son. Take care of Jenny. You know where to find me.
Love,
Leroy
Sitting on the porch, watching the sun set, he allows himself nostalgia rather than tears. It doesn't matter what he wants, he knows. This situation is bigger than anyone really understands and he can respect that even if he doesn't like the outcome. Sunsets remind him of Heather, of chasing her down the beach, of making love to her in tiny secluded coves and motels with the windows open and the surf pounding against the shore.
After the sun goes down, he stands. He's been drinking most of the day but his body has adjusted to the alcohol in his system and when he stands he is not wobbly. Inside, he places the car and the letter inside a small box and closes it. Mike is already snoring away and Jethro collapses onto the couch and tries to sleep.
Heather,
Leaving it like we did haunts me. It always does when we leave, because it has always been because of someone else, someone besides yourself that are desperate to make happy. This time, for all my anger, I understand the whys. I do. And Jenny loves you, always. Don’t forget that, even when she’s pushing you away.
But, as we move into whatever this is to become, I only ask three things:
First, remember that I’ve loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you. Forgive me for being a coward all those years ago. I went to your wedding and I stood outside and when the minister asked if there was anyone who believed you and Charles shouldn’t be married, I didn’t step forward. I stood there and watched you say I do and I left before anyone saw me. I didn’t to cause ripples anymore than you did and the ripples we’ve caused this time have broken too many hearts. So, I will be waiting whenever you are ready. Some people would call me stupid, but I don’t care.
Second, patch things up with Jenny. She and I will never be the same, and I don’t want us to be. I made that decision long before the chaos of the past week. For a long time, I’ve been tired of how she treats me when she now claims to still love me. She’s still the best partner I ever had and I will forever love her, but I stopped being in love with her a long time ago. And the reason I am not standing on your doorstep, begging you to leave with me, is because Jenny is your sister, not your best friend or your co worker but your sister. As wrong as it feels for me to sit and wait for my turn to be with you, because I’ve been waiting for fifteen years, she is your sister and that matters more than anything else. I don’t think I realized that until now, but the inklings of that understanding came when I saw James and Daniel playing together.
Third, I’ve lost one child and now I am, at least for the time being, losing another. So I ask this because I know you would not intentionally keep him from me during this separation. Please, don’t send me updates or pictures. Please. To watch him grow and not be there may be a worse torture than knowing I would never see him again at all. Let me get to know him when the time is right. The toy I’ve included with this letter is for him - it is up to you to decide to give it to him.
I love you. And I’m crazy enough to wait because I have loved you forever.
Take care of yourself. Take care of our son. Take care of Jenny. You know where to find me.
Love,
Leroy