Some reflection on 2011
This year has been the most influential year of my life. I think I’ve done more of importance than I ever have in a single year. At the start I wasn’t happy, I didn’t know what I wanted but it wasn’t what I had at the time. I was stuck in a job that harvested my soul regardless of how great the other staff were and stuck at uni for only two hours a week but enough to keep me in place. I wasn’t going anywhere and for the first time in my life I didn’t like it.
I had a plan when I was 17, get a science job, get married, house, 2 kids and a dog. Over the subsequent years this has been hacked at, revised and abandoned. I didn’t want the kids anymore, not quite sure on the married either and science and I had a falling out. Dogs are still cool though.
The point being, this is the year I have taken the most risks. Risks for my own benefit instead of just being happy wherever I was and waiting for things to happen. I quit my job, moved cities, left some friends, broke some hearts not all of which I’m proud of but sometimes you have to make sacrifices for your own happiness. Unfortunately, you can’t always do what you need without hurting others. I also made a start on my tattoo collection.
I was getting there, things were picking up and I took my last university exam, then something pretty massive happened. Very suddenly, my Mother died.
I could never say to another ‘I understand’ about this. You can’t. There is no way you can ever understand how someone else feels when they’ve lost their mother, even if you’ve felt the loss of your own because everyone is different and everyone’s mum is different. I felt bad about it but I was so sick of ‘I’m Sorry’, I was angry at the false ‘If you need anything, call me’ when half the time I never knew who the person saying it was. But in the end anger is part of loss. It was hard, the most difficult thing I have ever done was hold my Mum’s hand whilst she died but I did it.
I guess I could have gone into a deep depression and lived in a hole until I felt better again but I never would have come out of it. I am my Mother’s Daughter and we don’t take any shit. I went to therapy and started doing things that I really wanted to do with my life. I started my own business, it was a little rocky when I wasn’t sure what to do with it but I’m getting there now and it’s going to be great. I started living for myself, it can be a little fiddly when I drop into old habits but it’s good.
It sounds terrible to say that the year I lost my Mum is the happiest I’ve ever been. It’s not because she died, it’s because she made me really live my life instead of existing through it. I know now that things will always get better because I’ve lived through something that I thought would end my entire world. I could never imagine what life would be like after losing her but here it is. The world didn’t just stop because I thought it would and now I want to use these days to do what I love and enjoy.
The plan is scrapped, I’ll do whatever feels right. I love my job, my house, my boys, our piggies and I’ve got great friends. I wish all of you the best for 2012, enjoy yourself, do whatever the fuck you want regardless of what others will think or say and stay safe and happy.
xxx
I had a plan when I was 17, get a science job, get married, house, 2 kids and a dog. Over the subsequent years this has been hacked at, revised and abandoned. I didn’t want the kids anymore, not quite sure on the married either and science and I had a falling out. Dogs are still cool though.
The point being, this is the year I have taken the most risks. Risks for my own benefit instead of just being happy wherever I was and waiting for things to happen. I quit my job, moved cities, left some friends, broke some hearts not all of which I’m proud of but sometimes you have to make sacrifices for your own happiness. Unfortunately, you can’t always do what you need without hurting others. I also made a start on my tattoo collection.
I was getting there, things were picking up and I took my last university exam, then something pretty massive happened. Very suddenly, my Mother died.
I could never say to another ‘I understand’ about this. You can’t. There is no way you can ever understand how someone else feels when they’ve lost their mother, even if you’ve felt the loss of your own because everyone is different and everyone’s mum is different. I felt bad about it but I was so sick of ‘I’m Sorry’, I was angry at the false ‘If you need anything, call me’ when half the time I never knew who the person saying it was. But in the end anger is part of loss. It was hard, the most difficult thing I have ever done was hold my Mum’s hand whilst she died but I did it.
I guess I could have gone into a deep depression and lived in a hole until I felt better again but I never would have come out of it. I am my Mother’s Daughter and we don’t take any shit. I went to therapy and started doing things that I really wanted to do with my life. I started my own business, it was a little rocky when I wasn’t sure what to do with it but I’m getting there now and it’s going to be great. I started living for myself, it can be a little fiddly when I drop into old habits but it’s good.
It sounds terrible to say that the year I lost my Mum is the happiest I’ve ever been. It’s not because she died, it’s because she made me really live my life instead of existing through it. I know now that things will always get better because I’ve lived through something that I thought would end my entire world. I could never imagine what life would be like after losing her but here it is. The world didn’t just stop because I thought it would and now I want to use these days to do what I love and enjoy.
The plan is scrapped, I’ll do whatever feels right. I love my job, my house, my boys, our piggies and I’ve got great friends. I wish all of you the best for 2012, enjoy yourself, do whatever the fuck you want regardless of what others will think or say and stay safe and happy.
xxx