thevignette: Change (2/2)
THREE
The next day, Changmin goes back home, and when Yoochun leans forward to give him a kiss, welcoming him back, Changmin pushes him away. “No,” he says.
Yoochun stares at him. “What happened?”
“Nothing,” Changmin says. “I don’t know.”
For the first time since they met, they fight. Later, Changmin cannot even recall what it was about, but they end up screaming at each other, throwing things at each other, and finally, Changmin tells Yoochun, “Let’s just stop.”
“Are you breaking up with me?” Yoochun asks furiously.
“Yes, yes,” Changmin shouts back spitefully. “Are you happy now?”
Yoochun gapes at him like a fish out of water, and Changmin cannot bear to look at him, look at the hurt dancing in Yoochun’s eyes, so he does the only thing he can do.
He leaves.
When Changmin does not go back home, Jaejoong calls him, worried and concerned.
“I can’t go back there,” Changmin says. “Not after I did what I did to Yoochun.”
“Come home,” Jaejoong says firmly.
“I can’t,” Changmin repeats. He sleeps in a motel that night, breathing loneliness into his lungs. Is this how it was before they came into my life? Changmin thinks distantly, before slipping into sleep, because he can’t remember a time when he felt so alone.
The next day, while Yoochun is at work, Changmin goes back to the apartment and packs as much of his belongings as he can and takes them with him. He spends the day looking for a place to stay and finds a room to rent in an apartment complex near the library.
A week later, Junsu finally calls Changmin. He gives Changmin an address and tells Changmin to visit him. “There’re a lot of things I need to tell you,” he says.
The view from Junsu's apartment is phenomenal - it is the first thing Changmin notices when he steps in. Junsu hands a cold glass of water to Changmin, and offers him cookies, playing the good host.
"I've been so busy recently," Junsu says. "It's unbelievable, what with recording for the new album, and meetings..." he trails off, hands gesticulating vaguely.
"I don't know if anyone said anything," Changmin says suddenly. "But I broke up with Yoochun last week."
Junsu stares at him, his mouth falling open in an almost comical manner. "What?" he says. "Are you serious? Wait - why?"
"Why?" Changmin repeats, raising his voice. "Why do I need to answer that question? Do you have to make me say it? Do I have to tell you that it's because I like you? Because I love you? That even though I wish I didn't, I still fell in love with you."
"Changmin," Junsu says and there are tears in his eyes. "Changmin, oh God, Changmin, I was going to tell you today. I - I'm going to Japan. I will be gone for a really long time," he says, looking wretched and stricken. "I'm sorry."
I can't be with you. Changmin knows that is what Junsu is trying to say.
"You're going to Japan," Changmin repeats.
He hears Junsu explaining, hears something about company decision, hears I don’t have a choice, but his brain does not process a single word.
Silently, he pushes the glass of water he is holding into Junsu’s hands, turns around and leaves.
Junsu does not come after him.
Junsu must have told Jaejoong about what happened because Jaejoong calls Changmin nonstop. When Changmin picks up, Jaejoong begs him to come home, his voice hoarse with worry.
“I’m not going back,” Changmin says patiently.
“Yoochun isn’t mad at you,” Jaejoong claims.
“It doesn’t matter. I’m not going back,” Changmin says, and he knows he is breaking Jaejoong’s heart. “Can we please not talk about this anymore? Tell me about Yunho.”
He listens to Jaejoong ramble on and on about Yunho, Jaejoong’s excited chatter eventually fading into background noise, and staring out of the window, Changmin watches his loneliness extend like shadows in the evening, stretching his pain longer and longer.
Sometimes Junsu calls. Changmin rejects all of them, because he has no idea how to face Junsu. A mix of emotions curdle in his stomach whenever Junsu is mentioned, whenever he walks into a shop and hears Junsu’s voice playing over the sound system, whenever he walks past a CD shop and sees Junsu’s face on the cover of his album. There is shame, disappointment, anger, and it makes Changmin sick.
Yunho is the only person Changmin is willing to meet. He does not want to see Jaejoong, because seeing Jaejoong will remind Changmin of Yoochun, and open up fresh wounds where old ones have not healed. Changmin makes Yunho promise never to mention their meetings to Jaejoong or Yoochun.
Most of the time, they meet for meals, and during those few hours, they listen to each other talk.
“You know,” Yunho tells Changmin, one and a half months since Changmin moved out, “Yoochun is really not mad at you.”
“How do you know?” Changmin says, poking his chopsticks at his food listlessly.
“Of course I know,” Yunho says, smiling. “He misses you, but he won’t say it. He pretends he’s okay, and goes out to meet men and women, but - ”
Changmin drops his chopsticks.
Yunho’s face freezes as he suddenly realises what he just said. “Oh God,” he says. “Changmin, I have to explain that.”
Changmin shakes his head. “It’s okay. There’s no reason why he shouldn’t be out meeting new people.”
“No,” Yunho insists. “Listen to me.”
When Changmin does not meet his eyes, Yunho reaches across the table to tug at Changmin’s hand. “Listen to me,” Yunho says sternly. “Yoochun meets these men and women, but nothing has ever happened. Yoochun always pushes them away.”
Changmin does not reply. He picks up his chopsticks and silently resumes eating.
Yunho sags backwards in his seat. “Changmin,” he says, and when Changmin does not respond, he changes the subject. “I’ve been talking to Junsu.”
Changmin pauses with the chopsticks in his mouth for a second, and then pretends nothing is wrong.
“Changmin, don’t be like this,” Yunho says.
Changmin puts the chopsticks down and stares at his half-eaten noodles. “I’m sorry,” he says, standing up. “I can’t eat anymore.”
Yunho grabs his arm. “Where are you going?”
“Yunho, I’ll be alright,” Changmin says. “I promise you.” He squeezes Yunho’s hand, wanting to get that pained look off Yunho’s face. “I promise you that I will sort my thoughts out and call one of them to talk things over.”
Changmin goes back home, sits on his bed and takes out of all of the memories he has been trying to forget, one by one, letting them fill the room.
Late evening, his phone rings. Junsu, Changmin stares at the name blinking on the screen. He bites down on his lower lip until he tastes blood, and with a jolt of courage that he never had, Changmin picks up.
“Hello?” Junsu says cautiously.
“It’s me,” Changmin says.
“I’m so glad you picked up,” Junsu says quickly, as though he is afraid that any moment, Changmin may just hang up on him. “How are you? I hope you’re doing okay. I’ve been talking to Yunho, and he’s been updating me with how you’re doing.”
“I’m fine,” Changmin answers. “You?”
“Me?” Junsu echoes. “I’m doing alright. My Japanese is terrible, so there have been some problems here and there. Recording is going well - I think my first single will probably be released sometime next month. You’ll definitely get a copy, I promise.”
Changmin listens to Junsu ramble on, and he starts to smile. “Junsu,” he interrupts.
“What?” Junsu says, sounding a little breathless.
“I’m going to let you go,” Changmin says.
A few beats of silence, and then a long sigh from Junsu. “Changmin,” Junsu says gently. “Tell that to Yoochun.”
“I don’t know how,” Changmin confesses.
“Tell him you love him,” Junsu says.
“It’s not so simple.”
“It is that simple,” Junsu insists. “Changmin, you have to tell him.”
“You don’t understand,” Changmin says, pressing the phone tightly against his ear, trying to pull Junsu closer. “Yoochun and I, we’ve never really been in a relationship. Whatever was between the two of us, we’ve never put a name to it, never defined it. It’s like trying to fix something that never existed in the first place.”
“I don’t want to hear any of that,” Junsu snaps. “Changmin, I just want to know if you love him.”
“Love him?” Changmin repeats, the words rising from his throat violently, choking him. “How could I not?”
“That is the only thing you need to know,” Junsu says. “That you love him. And that’s the only thing that Yoochun needs to know.”
“Junsu,” Changmin says, turning his gaze up towards the ceiling, imagines a sky full of stars. “Did you love me?”
“You silly boy,” Junsu says, and Changmin can hear the smile in his voice. “I love you, exactly the way you love me, but the two of us, we are just not meant to be.”
“Not meant to be.” Changmin tries the words in his mouth.
“You know,” Junsu says, “if you don’t tell Yoochun, I’ll never forgive you.”
“I need time,” Changmin says. “I need more time.”
“Okay,” Junsu says. “You can have all the time you want, but no one can guarantee that when you’re finally ready, he’ll still be there, waiting for you.”
As though getting back at Changmin for all the times he rejected his calls, Junsu hangs up on Changmin, leaving him with only the monotonous dial tone for company.
Two weeks after the phone call with Junsu, Yoochun calls.
“Are you still working at the library?” he asks when Changmin picks up, as though nothing has changed.
Hearing Yoochun’s voice after so long is a shock to his system. Changmin nearly drops the phone. It is a few seconds before Changmin collects himself enough to answer yes.
“What time to you get off work tomorrow?” Yoochun asks.
“I’m not working tomorrow,” Changmin says faintly.
“Oh,” Yoochun says. “Well, it doesn’t matter. Come by the bar tomorrow night, alright?”
Changmin wants to say no. He doesn’t think that he can bear to face Yoochun again. He still cannot forget the look on Yoochun’s face when he found out about Junsu. Shame rolls through Changmin in waves, and he opens his mouth to make up an excuse.
“If you don’t come,” Yoochun says before Changmin can speak, “Jaejoong will personally slaughter you.”
“Yoochun,” Changmin says quietly.
“Changmin,” Yoochun responds, and the silence between them widens.
Changmin listens to Yoochun breathe on the other end, and suddenly, suddenly, it hits Changmin how much he really loves this man.
“Changmin,” Yoochun says hoarsely, his voice barely above a whisper. “Where are you?”
Where am I right now? Changmin thinks as his brain turns into a foggy haze. “I don’t know,” he says blankly, and even to himself his voice sounds distant and faint. He shakes his head to clear his hazy thoughts. “Um,” he says, clearing his throat. “I’m at the library. I’m not working though, I’m doing research for a paper,” he rambles, trying to pretend that hearing Yoochun’s voice is not affecting him as much as it actually does.
There is some noise on the other end, as though Yoochun is fumbling with his phone. “Changmin,” he hears Yoochun say, a little breathless. “Give me five minutes.”
There is more noise and then the beep of the dial tone signalling that Yoochun has hung up. Changmin stares at his phone and then at the books spread out before him and doubts that he can get any more work done. Slowly, he gathers all the books and papers lying on the table, and he is walking down the front steps of the library, cradling a stack of books in his arms, when Yoochun skids into view in front of him.
Yoochun is flushed and sweating, looking as though he has run a long way.
Seeing Yoochun hits Changmin even harder than hearing his voice.
I forget how beautiful you look, Changmin thinks, stopping on the steps and staring down at Yoochun. “What are you doing here?” he says.
The evening sun is setting in the distance and the homebound birds screech loudly overhead. Yoochun tugs at his clothes and gnaws at his lower lip.
Changmin takes one step forward and then cannot find any more strength in him to move any closer.
Yoochun has always been the brave one between the two of them. Changmin holds his breath.
There is long moment where the both of them just stand in their respective places, Changmin halfway down the steps and Yoochun on the pavement, staring at each other. And then Yoochun bursts into motion, racing up the stairs and gathering Changmin into his arms forcefully.
All the books Changmin is carrying tumble out of his arms and onto the ground, and Changmin makes a small noise of shock as Yoochun kisses him violently.
Changmin jerks backwards with such force that he ends up falling backwards and sitting down on the steps breathlessly.
Yoochun stares down at Changmin, sprawled on the steps with books strewn around him and starts to laugh. “Get up, you idiot,” Yoochun says, bending down to pick up the books, and there is a brilliant smile on his face.
“It has been two and a half months,” Changmin blurts out.
Yoochun tilts his head sideways. “Yes,” he agrees. He hands the books to Changmin and then waits for Changmin to clumsily get back to his feet. “Junsu called me from Japan.”
Changmin inhales sharply and then finds that he cannot exhale at all.
“He told me I should give you another chance,” Yoochun says. “He said, Changmin may have loved me, but you’re the one he is in love with.”
Changmin thinks he is going to drop his books all over again. He clings onto them for dear life, because he refuses to embarrass himself again. “I made a mistake,” Changmin says, because, really, what else is there left to say?
Yoochun looks surprised at the sudden declaration. “What?”
“I made a mistake,” Changmin repeats, holding onto his books so tightly his knuckles turn white. “I shouldn’t have broken up with you. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me and I - ” He takes a deep breath. “I loved Junsu, I really did. And then he left, and the entire time I was alone, it wasn’t him that I missed the most. It was you.”
Yoochun just looks at him silently, a contemplative look on his face
Forgive me, Changmin thinks as hard as he can, hoping that the thought gets through to Yoochun. Forgive me. I love you.
“Changmin,” Yoochun says at last, his voice low and soft. “When are you moving back in?”
And then, just like the first time they met, Yoochun takes Changmin’s hand as though they have known each other forever.
“Are you happy?” Junsu asks when he calls during a break between recording sessions.
“I’m happy,” Changmin says, and hearing Junsu’s voice still brings a smile to his face. “Are you?”
“I’ve been better,” Junsu says honestly, and Changmin can hear the exhaustion in his voice.
“Does that mean you’re coming back to Korea?” Changmin asks. “If you are, I feel obliged to tell you that even if you do, you’ve lost your chance. I’m already attached.”
Yoochun grins from across the room, his fingers skipping across piano keys. “Tell him if he convinces his company to use more of my songs, I’ll consider forgiving him for seducing my boyfriend.”
“I heard that,” Junsu shouts into the phone. “Punch your boyfriend on my behalf, Changmin, he’s a jerk.”
“Shim Changmin does not deliver punches, only kisses,” Changmin says seriously. “If you’d like to send Yoochun a kiss, I’ll be happy to deliver.”
“And you are a jerk too,” Junsu informs him.
“I love you too,” Changmin sings into the receiver.
“You love me more,” Yoochun adds quickly, a challenging look in his eyes.
“I love you more,” Changmin agrees, letting the phone fall onto the sofa as Yoochun abandons the piano and moves towards Changmin, wearing a heart-stopping smile.
"You know how sometimes, we fall in love with the wrong person?" Yoochun says. Changmin looks up; Yoochun's eyes are like storm clouds.
"Yeah?" Changmin answers, and thinks, oh God, he's going to break my heart now. And his second thought is, not today, please just not today, it's my birthday.
Yoochun takes Changmin's hand, threading their fingers together tightly. Changmin stares down at their linked hands and thinks that there is something that he should understand that he hasn't yet.
"Well, I think this time is an exception," Yoochun says, and Changmin’s jaw nearly drops at the cheesiness of it all, except inside, his heart is singing and outside, he is glowing.
Changmin thinks - no, he knows - that the happiest days of his life start from now.
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