illuminations: A man once said. (1/2)
Title: A man once said.
Author: illuminations
Pairing: Jaejoong/Junsu
Rating: NC17
Summary: The story of Jaejoong and those he loves.
Word count: 14,951
Disclaimer: DBSK are their own people under the management of SM Entertainment. The portrayals here are fictional and no money is being made.
Author's Note: Thank you so much to thevirginia for the awesome beta as well as providing me with the best source of Junsu inspiration I could've ever asked for. :D
I read once, "Secrets are things we give to others to keep for us." At the time, I was gullible and it made sense enough, but now I think it's really not the entire truth, is it? There exist secrets that are never told while some, when finally revealed, are not meant to be hidden away by the new owner, but to be shared. Some secrets - kept in hibernation long enough - can no longer be called secrets.
They are stories.
Winter, 2041
It was the Sunday before New Year's when Eunae came downstairs to the kitchen where her father was making breakfast, her favorite - kimchi soup and leftover galbi from the night before. The first thing she said was good morning, the next, "Daddy, tell me something."
Her father turned off the stove and poured the soup into a large bowl, then moved the reheated galbi onto a plate. Carrying both carefully, he sat down across from Eunae and smiled at her. "Something."
Eunae pressed her lips together tightly and shook her head. "Daddy, you're impossible."
Laughing, her father picked up his chopsticks and placed some galbi atop Eunae's bowl of rice. "Maybe," he says. "What's this for?"
"Senior capstone project," Eunae said, tearing off half the galbi in one bite. "I need to write a novella but I've been thinking for two weeks and nothing's inspired me yet. I'm getting desperate."
"And you trust your old man to save you from failing higher education?"
"I trust you to be not boring."
Her father laughed. "Okay. Is this considered plagiarism?"
Eunae shook her head. "It's called fatherly love!" She swung her legs underneath the table. "Come on, don't you have any grand romances you're itching to tell? How did you meet mom? Something."
"You already know how I met her."
Eunae sighed and gave her father a look. "You told me two sentences worth when I was thirteen."
"Did your Uncle Changmin teach you to make that face at me?"
"Well, he is the best role model I have," Eunae said, then added quickly, "After you, of course." Following Jaejoong's skeptical nod, she said, "My professor told us everyone has a secret and that those secrets make the best stories. My biggest secret is that I always knew it was you giving me presents instead of Santa, but that would make a lousy story so I need someone else's secrets."
Her father pointed his chopsticks at her. "You never believed in Santa?!"
"Uncle Changmin doesn't believe in lying to me," she said dismissively, then leaned forward. "Dad, stop stalling!"
Sighing in defeat, her father put his chopsticks down and sat back. "You want to write something romantic?" he said after a few seconds.
Eunae perked up. "Do you have something romantic for me?"
"Kind of romantic. Kind of horrible." Her father looked at her steadily. "Have you ever wanted to ask me why your mother and I divorced?"
Blinking back, Eunae found herself startled once more at her father's bluntness. Despite having experienced it her entire life, she's never gotten used to it. "Um. Yeah. I have." This wasn't what she had expected coming into it, thought her father would tell her another anecdote about interesting groupies.
Her father's mouth twisted to the side and she could feel the tension emanating from him. "I cheated on her."
Eunae froze, understanding the words but, somehow, unable to process their meaning.
"Finish your breakfast," her father murmured. "We'll talk after."
Spring, 2014
Jaejoong wakes up from his makeshift bed on the living room floor and the first thing he sees is Yoochun sprawled on the couch, still in his day clothes. The second thing he sees is Yunho standing on the other side of the couch, mouth pressed together tightly. It could only mean one thing - another fight between Yoochun and Junsu.
"Again?" he says, sitting up and stretching his arms above his head. Yunho sighs and nods.
"You didn't hear them last night?"
"I'm getting old, Yunho. Once I'm out, I'm out." Cracking his back, Jaejoong stands up and takes his blanket, then covers Yoochun up with it. "It's been happening more than usual lately, right? I'm not imagining it."
Yunho shakes his head. "No, they're getting worse."
Jaejoong groans, then twists his mouth. "We just came back from vacation. How can they be sick of each other already?" he says, glancing up at Yunho. "What were they being stupid about this time?"
Yunho rubs the bridge of his nose. "Don't know, don't remember" he says eventually, looking every bit his age and then some. "I have no fucking clue at all, but I'm tired of it and so is management. When Yoochun wakes up, you tell him that. I'll take Junsu."
"What do you want them to do?"
"I don't know - anything," Yunho says, walking by Jaejoong to get to the kitchen. "Get some maturity and responsibility."
Watching with a mixture of sadness and resignation, Jaejoong stays there next to Yoochun until his bladder refuses to be ignored anymore and he escapes to the bathroom. He imagines all the ways Yoochun will take the inevitable conversation badly.
Maybe he can sneak into Changmin's liquor cabinet beforehand.
Changmin is still as protective of his possessions as he was ten years ago and his liquor cabinet proves to be fucking Jaejoong-proof, or at least, that's the reasoning Jaejoong makes up when he fails at cracking the lock for the umpteenth time. He considers going to Changmin directly, because he's sure even the youngest would be sympathetic towards his current situation, but before he even takes one step to leave the room, Yoochun walks into the kitchen.
"Yunho-hyung said you had something you wanted to tell me."
Jaejoong's mouth twitches and he thinks, fuck you, Yunho, and hopes the other can sense the mental middle finger being sent his way.
"Uh, yeah." Jaejoong's hands gesture in the air awkwardly before he busies them with the cupboards, and says, "Sit down, I'll make some tea."
The silence of waiting for water to boil gives Jaejoong a chance to collect his thoughts, but then Yoochun's voice breaks through with, "Gonna give me a hint, hyung?" and everything goes to hell again.
Turning around, Jaejoong leans against the counter, fingers tapping out of rhythm against his arm. "You," he starts, locking eyes with Yoochun. "This morning, you were on the couch again." He can physically see Yoochun begin to close up again, eyes growing distant in the way that Jaejoong hates even more than when Yoochun is completely consumed by his frustrations and disappointments.
"So?"
Jaejoong tries to figure out what he's trying to say exactly, what this conversation is for. "So. We haven't even been back a week. You guys had a break from each other for two."
"And we have it under control, hyung, thanks for being so concerned." Nothing really gets through to Yoochun once he decided to be stubborn.
"You sleep on the couch so much it's like you're rooming with me again instead of Junsu," Jaejoong says, crossing his arms. "That's called under control?"
"Doesn't matter, hyung. We're working on it." Yoochun's hands ball into fists on the tabletop. "It's no one's problem but ours."
"It's everyone's problem!" Jaejoong sighs, lowering his voice again and speaking slower. "Look. Yunho says management is getting… impatient." Yoochun doesn't say anything. "Don't wait until you don't have control anymore and then want to do something about it."
The hard look Yoochun gives him makes Jaejoong uneasy, and he drops his gaze to the floor, toeing at the tiles. "Is this like an intervention or something?"
Jaejoong's foot continues moving back and forth. "We just care, Yoochun-ah. That's all." He inhales and holds. "You and Junsu didn't used to be like this."
Somehow, Yoochun's silence gets even quieter and Jaejoong's entire body jerks when the kettle starts whistling. As Jaejoong turns the stove off, Yoochun stands up and says, "Sorry, hyung. Don't think I feel like tea after all," then leaves quickly.
It's the first time when Jaejoong's fear of everything ending in the blink of an eye isn't simply a nagging paranoia or the result of having too much time on his hands. This time, the possibility of the unfixable manifests itself as something heavy and suffocating settling deep in his gut.
Yunho's always been the person he goes to for reassurance, but the regular words of comfort don't come when Jaejoong next sees him. And in that moment, there's nothing Jaejoong wants more than the ability to live life backwards.
The rest of the week has everyone walking on eggshells and time is mostly filled by silence. Changmin, who didn't witness either of the talks, ends up feeding on the tension. He grows more and more irritable and yells at everyone during dinner one night, throwing his bowl into the sink, shattering it, before stalking back to his room. He stays there for two days and Jaejoong compliantly delivers Changmin's meals to him, knowing none of them had any right to be upset at his behavior.
Yunho approaches Jaejoong on the second day of Changmin's self-imposed isolation, saying things like "give up", "nothing we can do", and "ten years is a long time."
Jaejoong doesn't stay and listen.
He manages to get Yoochun and Junsu into the work room the next day at the same time, ignoring Yoochun's annoyance with him for continuing to push the issue and Junsu's obvious discomfort for the same reason.
"Will you be better if we all quit?" he says before they even sit down. "If you tell me that it's this - this life and this industry that's making you two fall apart, I'll go to management right now and tell them we're done. But I'm not giving this up if you can't guarantee that. This is my life too."
Neither Yoochun nor Junsu make eye contact with him or say anything at first. Only when Jaejoong's nearing the end of his patience does Junsu murmur to Yoochun, "Maybe we need a longer break." It's nothing like a guarantee, but Jaejoong still feels like he's suddenly able to breathe better.
"Would that help?" Jaejoong says, not bothering to tone down the obvious hope in his voice. Junsu glances at him and Jaejoong feels a little bit like shit because Junsu clearly looks like he's beating himself up over this. "I want you two to be okay most of all. I promise."
"Hyung, you've always wanted to try going solo, haven't you?"
"Yoochun!" Junsu hisses.
Jaejoong gets why Yoochun's being like this. He learned and memorized Yoochun's defense mechanisms years ago, but being subject to them is still unnerving. "Yeah," he says tersely, "but I'll do it when I want to and think it's right for me, not because you're giving me no other choice."
Yoochun seems to feel bad about his comment, sighing as he musses up his hair. "How much longer are you talking about?" he finally says, quietly and not sounding entirely convinced, but it's something.
Junsu looks uneasy as he answers, or rather doesn't, mouth opening and closing without saying anything.
"Are you second guessing now?" Yoochun says, picking at his shirt. Junsu shakes his head.
Jaejoong just feels awkward now and clears his throat equally so. "You guys should. Talk." He starts shuffling towards the door. "Just, let me or Yunho know or something. What you decide." Not waiting for an answer, he slips out quietly and leans against the wall. When a few minutes pass and everything is still calm, he heads down the hall to one of the bedrooms.
He needs a nap on a real bed badly.
It turns out when Junsu had said break, he meant from the relationship as well as group activities.
"It's for a month," Junsu tells the rest of them the next day. Yoochun says, "By the end, we'll either have figured out what we're doing wrong or we'll be happier."
Jaejoong doesn't know how well this is going to work, but Changmin starts eating with them again, so he figures there has to be something to believe in, even if he doesn't know what it is.
After things have been finalized and approved with management, Yoochun buys a ticket to Thailand. No one knows how he's going to communicate with anyone there let alone what he's going to do, but Yoochun starts to look forward to his trip so they let him do what he wants.
The day before Yoochun leaves, Yunho and Changmin help with Yunho asking if he's remembered enough socks and underwear while Changmin pitches in by suggesting a packing list of porn magazines and a Thai-Korean book of pick up lines.
Jaejoong lets them be and goes to find Junsu instead. For all his talk, Jaejoong knows that he's not that much older than everyone else and he doesn't really possess any extra life wisdom to offer; but he's still the oldest and as a hyung, he can't rest easy unless he knows everyone's okay.
He finds Junsu in the living room playing Super Mario Brothers. Sitting down next to him, Jaejoong keeps silent until Junsu finishes the level and saves the game.
"I'm fine, hyung."
Jaejoong blinks and rewinds the past minute in his head to make sure that he didn't actually say anything and just not realized he had. "Fine-fine or I'm not really fine, I just want you to leave me alone-fine?" he says after ascertaining that he's not experiencing selective memory loss.
Junsu looks at him with an expression Jaejoong can't read, yet it still has a way of making him feel smaller and smaller. "Somewhere in the middle."
"Oh." Jaejoong draws his knees up and rests his chin on top. "Would you say it's leaning towards one more than the other?"
Shoving at Jaejoong's shoulder, Junsu pushes him over before turning back to the game and moving onto the next level. "You can stay, hyung," Junsu says a little bit later, eyes focused on the screen as he makes Mario jump on three turtle shells in a row.
Still sprawled out on the floor, Jaejoong smiles and maneuvers until his feet are in Junsu's lap, not for any purpose other than to be a brat. He spends the rest of the afternoon watching Junsu beat up badass turtles and drifting in and out of sleep.
While the break is mainly for Junsu and Yoochun, the other three can't help but benefit from it as well. A giant package that came for Changmin the second day after Yoochun left turned out to be 25 books ranging from fiction to non-fiction to poetry and one smutty romance novel that Jaejoong wanted to laugh at him for but didn't in fear of getting pummeled. Yunho signs up for a kickboxing class a friend of his teaches while spending the rest of the time at the SME training building with Heechul. From the way Yunho grumbles about the latter at dinner, Jaejoong figures Heechul still enjoys teasing Yunho and making on-lookers mistake them for a real couple.
Jaejoong, on the other hand, doesn't have any big ventures planned. Sometimes he spends hours in the work room when his fingers are restless, other times he's in the kitchen learning new recipes and while Changmin reads at the dining table, providing easy access for taste tests. One day, he spends all afternoon out on their balcony, people-watching. It's the life he sometimes wished he had in the past, and he feels bad that he's getting it at the expense of others but he figures it'd be equally rude to waste the opportunity.
Yoochun's been gone for about a week when Jaejoong gets woken up in the middle of the night by noises coming from the kitchen. He spends half a second each on thinking it's a burglar, a rat, or Yoochun, but then he remembers that Yoochun isn't here, and somehow that nullifies the other two as well. Forcing himself to get up, Jaejoong stumbles to the kitchen doorway with the blanket wrapped haphazardly around him and blinks blearily at the figure currently raiding the fridge.
Damn it, he thinks. Glasses. He conveniently forgot to put those on first.
"Who are you and why are you eating my food?" he says, leaning heavily against the wall and trying to fight gravity so, if it is actually a burglar, he can attack easily instead of sliding down onto his ass.
"Just me, hyung."
"You're not a burglar, Junsu."
Junsu appears from behind the door of the fridge with a jar of jjajangmyeon sauce in his hand. "Do we have any rice leftover?"
Jaejoong points at the rice cooker on the counter and could leave it there, but ends up walking over himself, grabbing a bowl from the cupboard along the way. As he scoops some rice for Junsu, he says, "Midnight snacks aren't usually your thing, are they?"
"Hunger's my thing."
The rice goes into the microwave and Jaejoong faces Junsu again as it works its radiation magic. Junsu's sitting at the kitchen table now, spinning the jar in his hand. Or, at least, that's what Jaejoong thinks he's doing anyway - neither of them have bothered to turn on the lights as of yet.
Thirty seconds, Jaejoong realizes, is a fairly long time when two people are sitting in a room in the dark and not talking when they usually would be. Finally the microwave's timer beeps and Jaejoong brings the bowl over to Junsu, sliding it across the table as he sits down. He watches as Junsu spoons out and covers the top of the rice with the jjajangmyeon sauce, then mashes it all together until it's a mass of brown.
Though it's simple and might even look unappetizing, Jaejoong recognizes comfort food when he sees it. He's made more than enough for himself and the others over the past ten years.
Pulling his blanket in tighter, Jaejoong says, "You'll tell me when I can be nosy, right?"
"Hyung," Junsu says around a mouthful of rice, "do you know when the last time you asked me for permission to be nosy was?"
"I always ask permission," Jaejoong lies blatantly.
Junsu smiles a little though. "It was a month after you first met me because you heard my mom had been Miss Korea and wanted to know if she was hot."
Jaejoong's cheeks flush because Junsu's mother has taken care of all of them since then and now that thought is just awkward. "Is there a reason behind embarrassing me at 3am by pointing out my tendency of being attracted to older women?"
Junsu holds out a spoonful of rice that Jaejoong eats without a beat's pause. "The point is you've never been the type to ask people if it's okay that you shove yourself into their business. You just do it instead." Jaejoong frowns because it's true. Junsu sighs. "But if you really insist…you can be nosy whenever you want."
Stretching his arms out on the table, Jaejoong lays his head on them and closes his eyes. "What happened?"
Junsu laughs quietly and Jaejoong can imagine the look Junsu has on, the one he always made when he didn't want to tell everything and attempted to find a way in which to accomplish that without the other person catching on. "Life happened."
"Don't use deep, philosophical reasoning on me when you know I can't handle it," Jaejoong says, pouting against the inside of his elbow.
"Being honest," Junsu says. Just when Jaejoong thinks that's all he's going to get, Junsu continues. "This last year or so, I don't think I had any idea why we even bothered. It just felt more and more like a job. That I didn't like."
Jaejoong's hesitant to speak, but his curiosity takes priority. "You don't like him anymore?"
Junsu sighs and Jaejoong hears the sound of the bowl being shoved away. When he talks, Junsu sounds a bit guilty. "I still love him. Of course I do. I just - I don't know."
"It's okay."
There's wry laughter from Junsu. "It's not, but thanks anyway, hyung."
"Do you think it'll be better, after he comes back?" Jaejoong says, sitting up enough to prop his chin up with a hand. Junsu is silent for a long while, but he waits.
"I'm afraid that this will prove we were at our best when we were just friends," Junsu says eventually, quiet. "That we never should've taken the step and become a thing."
"You guys are really awesome as a thing too," Jaejoong says, gnawing on the inside of his cheek.
Junsu shakes his head, laughing sharp and breathily. "We were really awesome at making fun of each other and being stupid together. We suck at everything else." He looks over at Jaejoong. "You know, until you made us last week, we had never had a real talk. We were either too proud or just didn't know how to. Never grew up from yelling."
"You can learn," Jaejoong says.
"That's assuming we'll even try again. He could come back and say that we're just better off being friends."
"What do you want him to say?"
Junsu shrugs. "Don't really know," he says, picking at the edge of the table. "I'm not sure if it even matters."
Having no suitable response for that, Jaejoong leans over and wraps half his blanket around Junsu's shoulders to try and rid the feeling of being useless.
The next two nights are eventless, but on the third, Jaejoong is woken up again by rustling, blinking a few times before he realizes it's Junsu on the couch.
"Junsu-yah?"
"Sorry, hyung. Go back to sleep."
Jaejoong sits up instead. "Is everything all right?"
"Fine. Just… wanted to sleep somewhere else. That's all." Junsu turns and faces the back of the couch. "Really. 'Night, hyung."
Jaejoong watches Junsu's back for a while, then decides to let it go. "'Night, Junsu."
The night after that, Junsu's already in his pajamas and sitting on the couch when Jaejoong returns from the bathroom. He doesn't say anything to Junsu, going about his usual routine silently, even turning the lights off though Junsu hasn't moved from his spot.
It's only after Jaejoong's settled under the covers with his eyes closed that Junsu says, "I miss him."
"He's coming back," Jaejoong says.
"He could decide that he's happier without being attached."
"Junsu." Jaejoong opens his eyes and looks over. "I love you, but you're being stupid." Junsu nods blankly, but Jaejoong knows he's thinking about more could and what-ifs. Sighing, Jaejoong lifts the side of his blanket up. "Come here."
"Hyung?"
"Just come on." Junsu crawls down onto the floor, his own blankets trailing behind him. After he lies down, Jaejoong says, "How did you two sleep?"
"What?"
"You and Yoochun. You did sleep together, didn't you?" When Junsu still makes noises of uncertainty and confusion instead of giving Jaejoong a real answer, Jaejoong simply pushes Junsu onto his side and presses up behind him, arm draped over Junsu's stomach. "Like this?"
Junsu squirms uncomfortably. "Hyung, what are you doing?"
"You're really shitty at sleeping alone, aren't you?" Jaejoong says, fluffing up the pillow with his other hand and shoving it under their heads. "Even your prettiness isn't enough to go up against baggy eyes. Get some real rest."
It's only when Jaejoong's already half-asleep that he feels Junsu relax against him and a hand tentatively touch the one he has on Junsu's stomach.
It becomes something Jaejoong expects every night after that. Sometimes Junsu is there waiting; sometimes Jaejoong's already been asleep for an hour before he's woken up momentarily by Junsu's body curling up next to him.
Everything's smooth sailing until a few mornings later when Jaejoong wakes up to Junsu's face pressed against his chest, Junsu's hand underneath his shirt, their legs tangled together, and Jaejoong's erection somewhere in the midst of all of it. But even then, Jaejoong's fully prepared to lie and make up excuses for himself.
It's when he looks up and sees Changmin standing over them and hears Changmin say, "You know you're not Yoochun-hyung, right?" that Jaejoong knows he has a problem he can't fabricate away.
"You can't tell Yunho. Or Yoochun. Or Junsu." Yunho's out again and Jaejoong is pacing around in his and Changmin's room while Changmin sits at his desk, watching in amusement. "You definitely cannot tell Junsu. Or Yoochun. Or Yunho." Jaejoong stops and stares at Changmin. "Actually, can I just wipe your memory completely?"
Changmin holds his arms out. "You are certainly welcome to try. Though between you and me, I doubt you'll succeed."
Jaejoong collapses dramatically face down onto Changmin's bed. "I hate my life."
"Are you talking to me or my mattress?"
Rolling over, Jaejoong tries again. "I hate you. And myself. This could totally be a fluke, right?"
"The feeling is mutual, I agree completely, and yes, it could, but it probably isn't." Changmin leans over until he's in Jaejoong's peripheral view. "Hyung, have you been checking me out all these years too?"
Jaejoong sputters. "I haven't been checking anyone out! I like girls. I love girls. And I love having sex with them!"
"So you've just been tricked by the womanly curves of Junsu-hyung's body."
"Yes." Jaejoong blinks. "I mean, no! Fuck you."
Changmin chuckles. "Sorry, hyung. I don't swing that way." Groaning, Jaejoong grabs a nearby pillow and tries to suffocate himself as Changmin's laughter dies down. "But seriously. You're not just playing a joke, are you?"
Jaejoong moves the pillow down and hugs it to his chest. "I got turned on by a man this morning, Changmin. You have no idea how far from joking I am right now." He throws the pillow away again and covers his face. "Jesus fucking Christ, what the fuck am I doing," he says quietly, feeling like he did the night they debuted, except fifty times worse, as if he's about to throw up his stomach along with everything in it.
"Maybe you just haven't gotten laid in a while," Changmin says, and Jaejoong can tell he's actually trying to be helpful.
"I jerk off, like, every other day."
Changmin makes a gagging noise. "Hyung! Come on. I don't need visuals like that!" Jaejoong doesn't try to look apologetic. Neither of them say anything for a while, then Changmin prods Jaejoong's leg with his foot. "So what are you going to do tonight?"
It's something Jaejoong doesn't even want to think about. "There'll be a pillow between us at all times."
"… If you take mine to use, I'll kill you."
Junsu isn't there yet that night so Jaejoong puts the pillow (that isn't Changmin's) on his left where Junsu sleeps. Then he lies back and not-sleeps as he waits for Junsu to show. The other comes shuffling in not long after, and Jaejoong finds himself holding his breath as he tries to be inconspicuous in watching Junsu out the corner of his eye.
After Junsu lies down and settles in comfortably, there's a slight pause and then, "Hyung. Is there a pillow under here?"
Jaejoong contemplates feigning ignorance about who Junsu is talking to, but decides he's lost enough dignity in one 24-hour period. "Yes?"
"Why?"
"Um. It's… for you?"
Junsu reaches under the covers and wrestles the pillow out, looking at it and then at Jaejoong. "This thing's huge."
"It's fluffy," Jaejoong says. "Fluffy is comfortable."
"You're really thoughtful, hyung," Junsu says, discarding the pillow behind him at the same time Jaejoong tries to will it back with his mind. "But I barely even use yours." After that, Junsu rolls over and scoots back, spooning up against Jaejoong. If that wasn't bad enough, he grabs Jaejoong's hand too and tugs Jaejoong's arm around his waist.
It's fairly obvious to Jaejoong that he's just not going to get any sleep tonight.
"Hyung?"
"Yeah?" Jaejoong says, keeping his body very, very still.
"Thanks. You know. For doing this for me and not letting it get weird or awkward," Junsu says, squeezing Jaejoong's hand lightly.
Half of Jaejoong is melting at Junsu's sincerity while the other half is chastising himself for being the worst friend of the millennium. "Don't worry about it."
Hours later, when Junsu turns in his sleep and wraps his limbs around Jaejoong, Jaejoong has to accept that this isn't a phase or sympathy pains. That somehow, after ten years of being around Junsu and feeling nothing more than brotherly love, suddenly the thing he wants most in his life is to know what kissing Junsu would be like.
When Changmin walks into the kitchen the next morning to Jaejoong nursing a coffee - extra bitter - at the counter, he says, "Good morning, hyung."
To which Jaejoong replies with, "I'm so fucking screwed."
"Please direct me to the nearest source of food first. Then we'll talk." Jaejoong waves vaguely to the opened containers of jjigae from their usual delivery restaurant. After Changmin has his fifty pounds of foot in front of him, he opens with, "So how did your pillow mission go?"
"Junsu sucks like a sucking thing," Jaejoong says, huffing. It takes a bit of Changmin's prolonged silence for him to look up and realize that Changmin's staring at him in a mixture of horror and amazement. Then he connects the dots and proceeds to flail. A lot. "Oh my god, no! I didn't mean it like that! It's nothing like that!"
"So what happened?"
"He went all serious and said thank you."
Changmin swallows before saying, "He's said thank you to you before."
Jaejoong gnaws on the rim of his mug. "He's never said it while I, you know. Liked him."
"Hyung." Changmin sits up and looks at Jaejoong pointedly. "You were still straight last week. I mean, presumably, you still are straight. So how can you even say that and take yourself seriously?" Jaejoong mumbles something. "What?"
Jaejoong takes a deep breath and holds it. "Imaybealittlebitwantedtokisshimlastnight."
Changmin does the staring thing again, then goes back to eating as if all was normal. Except for when he says, "Oh yeah. You're totally screwed."
Jaejoong puts his mouth and nose into his cup and tries to drown himself.
The thing is, Jaejoong thinks, it wouldn't be so bad if either Junsu or he had something to do away from the apartment. As it stands, it's usually the opposite with Changmin and Yunho constantly being out, so Jaejoong's always with Junsu. Alone. By themselves. Most of the time, Jaejoong can sneak away under the guise of writing music, and Junsu still prefers to spend his free time playing video games or talking to his brother or both at the same time.
But sometimes Junsu will grow bored of games and his brother will have other things to tend to, so he wanders into the kitchen where Jaejoong is and where Jaejoong can't leave because he's cooking and because stopping would mean burning the house down.
Today's one of those days. As Jaejoong washes the rice in the sink, he hears the TV turn off in the living room and silence suddenly fill the apartment instead. He counts back from five in his head and the moment he turns to place the washed rice back in the cooker, Junsu walks in with a bouncy ball in his hand.
"If you bounce that into my food, Kim Junsu, I will hurt you."
Junsu immediately tucks the ball behind his back and puts on an insulted face. "Hyungs aren't supposed to abuse their dongsaengs."
"Dongsaengs that are almost 30 years old shouldn't require threatening anymore," Jaejoong says, getting out another pot and placing it on the stove.
"You're mean," Junsu says. "I'm hungry."
Sighing, Jaejoong picks up a piece of carrot from the mix of ingredients he has carefully laid out in front of him. Holding it over his shoulder, his other hand starts grabbing piles and tossing vegetables into the pot. He freezes between the mushrooms and peppers when he feels something damp skim over the top of his fingertip.
Junsu giggles. "Tastes good, hyung."
It's like his shoulder is a pivot as he spins around and his finger ends up still pointing at Junsu - specifically, Junsu's mouth. His own mouth starts moving, but the sound is a bit delayed and when it does come out, it almost doesn't make sense at all. "You - I - Don't - My finger is not for eating!"
Junsu just laughs again and comes over, peeking into the pot. "Jjigae?" he says, picking up the chopsticks and mixing the ingredients around. "Did you put extra chili in it again?"
Jaejoong's calmed somewhat by now. "I didn't, you big baby." Junsu sticks his tongue out in retaliation and Jaejoong grabs a nearby pepper, holding it over Junsu's mouth precariously.
Junsu shirks back immediately. "Hyung!" he says, horrified. "That's uncalled for!"
"Stop mixing up my jjigae," Jaejoong says, putting the pepper back down to slap the back of Junsu's hand instead. "You're as bad as Yunho."
"That's even more uncalled for."
The rest of the ingredients get added and soon it's bubbling away on its own, leaving Jaejoong with nothing to do but turn and look at Junsu awkwardly. It's a little better when Junsu moves first, prodding Jaejoong in the stomach.
"Take a picture, it lasts longer," Junsu says, smiling as if he's just invented the best joke in the world.
Later, it will be unclear to Jaejoong why he did what he's going to do. Later, he'll freak out every five minutes and run to Changmin for refuge. But now, right this second, he can't stop staring at Junsu's grin, eyes tracing the outline of Junsu's mouth over and over.
At least, until he gets his head functioning again and realizes that somehow, Junsu has moved about a foot closer.
"Hyung?"
Or, Jaejoong supposes, it could be entirely possible that he was the one that moved. In which case, he thinks that perhaps he should make up a good excuse for doing so and soon, especially since Junsu is looking at him suspiciously, the smile no longer there.
Despite all that, the best he can come up with is still: "Uhhh." But mostly, he doesn't think he understands why Junsu doesn't look perturbed or uncomfortable yet with Jaejoong practically breathing the same air as him.
"Do you want to kiss me or something?"
Those words are what jerks Jaejoong away, and he nearly upsets the pot behind him if not for Junsu's sharp warning, twisting his body at the last second to avoid giving himself second-degree burns. Something grabs his arm and he latches onto it, but it turns out Junsu doesn't have a good grasp on his balance either and they both end up toppling gracelessly to the floor.
The first thing Jaejoong feels is throbbing pain all the way from his head to his lower back. When that dulls enough, the second thing he feels is the weight on top of him, most noticeably being how warm and soft it is. "Junsu, is that you?" he says slowly, all the while wishing the answer will be no.
"I think so," Junsu groans, and he shifts, popping into Jaejoong's view. "Are you okay, hyung?"
Jaejoong swallows. "Uh huh." Maybe Junsu hasn't gotten up because he did get hurt. Or maybe it's because Jaejoong is trapping one of his limbs, but he doesn't really feel anything underneath him, so that's probably not true.
Junsu wriggles around some more, making Jaejoong think he's going to get off, but instead, he maneuvers himself so he's fully on top of Jaejoong, arms crossed on Jaejoong's chest. "You didn't answer my question."
"What?" Jaejoong says as he attempts to ignore the way Junsu's foot shakes against his, but failing completely.
"My question!" Junsu says, and Jaejoong just cannot stop staring at his mouth.
"I don't remember -" "I can ask it again." "-my answer."
Junsu stares at Jaejoong skeptically. "You're lying. And weird. A lying weirdo."
Jaejoong's mouth acts on its own. "I'm straight."
"Is that supposed to be your answer?"
"…Yeah?"
Smiling, Junsu gets up and stands over Jaejoong, one foot on either side of Jaejoong's shoulders. Jaejoong expects him to do something horrible, or perhaps call Jaejoong out on his claim, but Junsu just snorts and steps off completely, calling over his shoulder as he leaves the kitchen, "Don't put any more chili in!"
Jaejoong stays lying on the floor for an entire five minutes after that, the same amount of time it takes for the imprint of Junsu's warmth to finally leave his skin.
Jaejoong's almost scared to go to bed that night, wondering if Junsu's just been biding his time and waiting to strike when Jaejoong is most vulnerable. Though this, really, had been any time since the kitchen incident and even Yunho had caught on and noticed his nerves.
However, to his surprise, when Junsu gets under the covers next to him, there's a space between them that's never been there before. It gets even stranger when Junsu says good night and promptly closes his eyes - no hugging Jaejoong's arm, no using Jaejoong's chest as a pillow.
Jaejoong's mind is going a million miles a minute as he tries to figure out what's going on. Maybe Junsu thinks he's homophobic and hates him now and is here because he doesn't want to cause more tension but doesn't really want to be, and maybe Jaejoong should bring it up instead of letting Junsu think that he hates man-on-man action or maybe - maybe he should let Junsu hold his hand like he is.
Backtracking, Jaejoong lifts up the covers and stares, confirming that, yes, Junsu's hand is definitely grasping his. When he looks back up again, he meets Junsu's mischievous grin and nearly has a heart attack. "What are you doing?" he whispers, as if their conversations are being bugged.
"Nothing? Just lying here. What about you?"
"You're holding my hand!"
Junsu pretends to be confused. "I've held your hand before, hyung. What's wrong with doing it now?" Jaejoong sputters, mostly because he doesn't have a decent answer for that. Junsu just turns to giggling. "Hyung. Did you know that having sex with a guy is practically the same as doing it with a girl? I mean I guess there's only one hole, but do you really need more than that? Have you ever wanted to use more tha-"
"Junsu!"
Smiling serenely, Junsu scoots close enough that Jaejoong can feel their breaths mix, and it's all Jaejoong can do to pry his attention away from that and listen to Junsu instead. "Do I make you wonder a little bit?"
Jaejoong feels like someone shoved a bunch of cotton down his throat. "Wonder what?" he croaks.
"How different or similar it really is?"
The situation is too real for him and Jaejoong tugs his hand away, but Junsu just tightens his grip. "Junsu, that's enough. Go to bed."
"It's okay," Junsu says.
Jaejoong laughs forcibly. "What you're suggesting is the complete opposite of okay."
"What am I suggesting?"
"Yoochun's my best friend!" Jaejoong tries detaching his hand again, but doesn't get further than last time.
Junsu's expression slips into something more serious. "I know. And right now, he's technically my ex-boyfriend. If you really want to, hyung, it's okay with me."
"You're telling me it's okay to break some best friend honor code."
Junsu rolls his eyes. "We're not girls."
"You know if Yoochun were here and hearing this, he'd be pretty upset," Jaejoong says. "You can't really say all that and mean it."
Looking away briefly, Junsu sighs and twists his mouth. "It's not like we didn't talk about this," he says, messing up his hair with his other hand. "I said it was okay if he did stuff with someone else while he was gone. He said the same."
"I don't think he was thinking of me as that someone else when he said that."
"Not everyone is as okay with having one-night stands as he is."
Jaejoong feels like he's going to throw up. Junsu clearly notices, because he gets even closer, brow furrowed as he touches Jaejoong's face. The second he does, Jaejoong's head falls forward onto Junsu's chest and he breathes in shakily, managing to hold it for a second or two before letting it out audibly.
"Hyung?"
"You're being serious with me," Jaejoong says, now doing the opposite and squeezing Junsu's hand hard. "You're actually… propositioning me." He can feel Junsu smile against the top of his head.
"You've been taking care of me a lot," Junsu says. "And you don't ask a lot of questions, not because you're making yourself hold back, but you know it's not necessary right now. It's been really nice."
Jaejoong laughs nervously. "I've already said to Changmin that I like girls."
Junsu snorts. "Are you telling me that after ten years of being around mostly guys, you still really care about what gender you're sleeping with?"
"God, Junsu," Jaejoong says, rubbing at his face. "Only you would make me start questioning my sexuality when I'm almost 30 years old."
"It's never too late to start thinking about cock," Junsu says brightly.
"Ohhhh god, okay," Jaejoong groans, moving away and laying his head back on the pillow. "I'm sleeping on this and you're going to stop talking about dicks in a sexual manner."
Giggling, Junsu cuddles up to Jaejoong's shoulder. "Fine. I bet you're going to dream about them anyway."
Jaejoong doesn't feel bad at all about pummeling Junsu with the pillow to shut him up.
Fortunately, Junsu doesn't make any sexual remarks or says anything out of the ordinary the next day, which Jaejoong is grateful for because the last thing he needs is for Changmin to gain more material and Yunho to become the embodiment of worry.
Finally, after dinner, Jaejoong finds himself in the living room while Junsu yells into his headset at his brother about an enemy around the corner while he stabs at the controller and shoots at his own ugly, mutant thing. One day, Jaejoong thinks, he'll figure out the attraction of shooting at aliens. Maybe when they actually invade Earth.
Grabbing a cushion, Jaejoong lies down, intending to wait patiently for Junsu to be done. Except the next time he opens his eyes, there's no more sounds of guns shooting and instead of a view of Junsu's back, he's met with Junsu's grin right above his face. "Morning, sunshine."
Jaejoong rubs at his eyes and cranes his head back to look out the window at the moon peeking behind a spotty cloud. "It's not morning."
"Oh well," Junsu says, and promptly crawls onto the couch to straddle Jaejoong. This wakes up Jaejoong faster than anything short of fire. "Did you need me?"
"Yes, but I don't think it was to make you sit on me," Jaejoong says.
"And only what you think." Junsu leans down, close enough that Jaejoong can count each lash, feel each breath, see every crack in Junsu's chapped lips. Close enough to kiss. "Had to sleep on it twice?"
"What?" Jaejoong says with some effort. "Oh. Um. No. Just. Was waiting. Did you eat an apple?"
Junsu laughs and Jaejoong thinks about just how unfair it is that Junsu was given the fullest pair of lips he's ever seen. "With peanut butter."
Jaejoong's laugh carries a little bit more insanity and disbelief. "Is this flirting? Are we flirting? Oh my god."
"Hyung, you think too much. This is just for fun. Come on, you haven't had a girlfriend for ages."
"That's just insulting," Jaejoong says, pinching Junsu's thigh and feeling a little bit of satisfaction when Junsu yelps and pouts. "Though true." A beat passes. Biting down on his lip, Jaejoong moves his hand up and settles it on Junsu's waist lightly, almost not touching at all. "You know most of the crazy things I've done. I think this is going to take the cake."
Junsu smiles and leans down until his forehead touches Jaejoong's. "Should I feel honored? I feel honored." His breath fans over Jaejoong's mouth and the sensation immediately attracts Jaejoong's gaze downwards, where he stares openly. Junsu's smile grows wider. "Are you going to jump in or should I push you?"
Jaejoong swallows and fists Junsu's shirt. He murmurs, "Meet you in the middle?"
And he's not sure what meeting in the middle is supposed to feel like, but this is what he does know: Junsu's mouth is soft yet still scratchy, and warm and full, and the way he kisses makes Jaejoong think of the first girl he ever (willingly) kissed - something new and exciting, and Jaejoong's not entirely sure that it has anything to do with Junsu's existence as a guy.
At first, it's mostly Junsu kissing him, mouth moving carefully as if testing the way Jaejoong's fits against his, and when he does figure it out, it's evident in the way the kiss grows firmer, coaxing Jaejoong to respond. Jaejoong does, hesitantly, fingers still wrapped tight in Junsu's shirt, hardly even breathing because that would be too much multi-tasking for him to handle right now.
In the back of his mind, Jaejoong thinks about what Changmin said again, that he's not Yoochun, and he wonders if Junsu knows this too or if it makes no difference who he happens to be kissing. His brain transitions into wondering what Junsu thinks about when he kisses Yoochun and if Junsu weren't so focused on his lower lip, he'd ask what Junsu's thinking now.
Seconds later, when Junsu's tongue grazes along his lip, wetting it, Jaejoong decides he doesn't want to know.
He just wants more.
Part 2
Author: illuminations
Pairing: Jaejoong/Junsu
Rating: NC17
Summary: The story of Jaejoong and those he loves.
Word count: 14,951
Disclaimer: DBSK are their own people under the management of SM Entertainment. The portrayals here are fictional and no money is being made.
Author's Note: Thank you so much to thevirginia for the awesome beta as well as providing me with the best source of Junsu inspiration I could've ever asked for. :D
I read once, "Secrets are things we give to others to keep for us." At the time, I was gullible and it made sense enough, but now I think it's really not the entire truth, is it? There exist secrets that are never told while some, when finally revealed, are not meant to be hidden away by the new owner, but to be shared. Some secrets - kept in hibernation long enough - can no longer be called secrets.
They are stories.
Winter, 2041
It was the Sunday before New Year's when Eunae came downstairs to the kitchen where her father was making breakfast, her favorite - kimchi soup and leftover galbi from the night before. The first thing she said was good morning, the next, "Daddy, tell me something."
Her father turned off the stove and poured the soup into a large bowl, then moved the reheated galbi onto a plate. Carrying both carefully, he sat down across from Eunae and smiled at her. "Something."
Eunae pressed her lips together tightly and shook her head. "Daddy, you're impossible."
Laughing, her father picked up his chopsticks and placed some galbi atop Eunae's bowl of rice. "Maybe," he says. "What's this for?"
"Senior capstone project," Eunae said, tearing off half the galbi in one bite. "I need to write a novella but I've been thinking for two weeks and nothing's inspired me yet. I'm getting desperate."
"And you trust your old man to save you from failing higher education?"
"I trust you to be not boring."
Her father laughed. "Okay. Is this considered plagiarism?"
Eunae shook her head. "It's called fatherly love!" She swung her legs underneath the table. "Come on, don't you have any grand romances you're itching to tell? How did you meet mom? Something."
"You already know how I met her."
Eunae sighed and gave her father a look. "You told me two sentences worth when I was thirteen."
"Did your Uncle Changmin teach you to make that face at me?"
"Well, he is the best role model I have," Eunae said, then added quickly, "After you, of course." Following Jaejoong's skeptical nod, she said, "My professor told us everyone has a secret and that those secrets make the best stories. My biggest secret is that I always knew it was you giving me presents instead of Santa, but that would make a lousy story so I need someone else's secrets."
Her father pointed his chopsticks at her. "You never believed in Santa?!"
"Uncle Changmin doesn't believe in lying to me," she said dismissively, then leaned forward. "Dad, stop stalling!"
Sighing in defeat, her father put his chopsticks down and sat back. "You want to write something romantic?" he said after a few seconds.
Eunae perked up. "Do you have something romantic for me?"
"Kind of romantic. Kind of horrible." Her father looked at her steadily. "Have you ever wanted to ask me why your mother and I divorced?"
Blinking back, Eunae found herself startled once more at her father's bluntness. Despite having experienced it her entire life, she's never gotten used to it. "Um. Yeah. I have." This wasn't what she had expected coming into it, thought her father would tell her another anecdote about interesting groupies.
Her father's mouth twisted to the side and she could feel the tension emanating from him. "I cheated on her."
Eunae froze, understanding the words but, somehow, unable to process their meaning.
"Finish your breakfast," her father murmured. "We'll talk after."
Spring, 2014
Jaejoong wakes up from his makeshift bed on the living room floor and the first thing he sees is Yoochun sprawled on the couch, still in his day clothes. The second thing he sees is Yunho standing on the other side of the couch, mouth pressed together tightly. It could only mean one thing - another fight between Yoochun and Junsu.
"Again?" he says, sitting up and stretching his arms above his head. Yunho sighs and nods.
"You didn't hear them last night?"
"I'm getting old, Yunho. Once I'm out, I'm out." Cracking his back, Jaejoong stands up and takes his blanket, then covers Yoochun up with it. "It's been happening more than usual lately, right? I'm not imagining it."
Yunho shakes his head. "No, they're getting worse."
Jaejoong groans, then twists his mouth. "We just came back from vacation. How can they be sick of each other already?" he says, glancing up at Yunho. "What were they being stupid about this time?"
Yunho rubs the bridge of his nose. "Don't know, don't remember" he says eventually, looking every bit his age and then some. "I have no fucking clue at all, but I'm tired of it and so is management. When Yoochun wakes up, you tell him that. I'll take Junsu."
"What do you want them to do?"
"I don't know - anything," Yunho says, walking by Jaejoong to get to the kitchen. "Get some maturity and responsibility."
Watching with a mixture of sadness and resignation, Jaejoong stays there next to Yoochun until his bladder refuses to be ignored anymore and he escapes to the bathroom. He imagines all the ways Yoochun will take the inevitable conversation badly.
Maybe he can sneak into Changmin's liquor cabinet beforehand.
Changmin is still as protective of his possessions as he was ten years ago and his liquor cabinet proves to be fucking Jaejoong-proof, or at least, that's the reasoning Jaejoong makes up when he fails at cracking the lock for the umpteenth time. He considers going to Changmin directly, because he's sure even the youngest would be sympathetic towards his current situation, but before he even takes one step to leave the room, Yoochun walks into the kitchen.
"Yunho-hyung said you had something you wanted to tell me."
Jaejoong's mouth twitches and he thinks, fuck you, Yunho, and hopes the other can sense the mental middle finger being sent his way.
"Uh, yeah." Jaejoong's hands gesture in the air awkwardly before he busies them with the cupboards, and says, "Sit down, I'll make some tea."
The silence of waiting for water to boil gives Jaejoong a chance to collect his thoughts, but then Yoochun's voice breaks through with, "Gonna give me a hint, hyung?" and everything goes to hell again.
Turning around, Jaejoong leans against the counter, fingers tapping out of rhythm against his arm. "You," he starts, locking eyes with Yoochun. "This morning, you were on the couch again." He can physically see Yoochun begin to close up again, eyes growing distant in the way that Jaejoong hates even more than when Yoochun is completely consumed by his frustrations and disappointments.
"So?"
Jaejoong tries to figure out what he's trying to say exactly, what this conversation is for. "So. We haven't even been back a week. You guys had a break from each other for two."
"And we have it under control, hyung, thanks for being so concerned." Nothing really gets through to Yoochun once he decided to be stubborn.
"You sleep on the couch so much it's like you're rooming with me again instead of Junsu," Jaejoong says, crossing his arms. "That's called under control?"
"Doesn't matter, hyung. We're working on it." Yoochun's hands ball into fists on the tabletop. "It's no one's problem but ours."
"It's everyone's problem!" Jaejoong sighs, lowering his voice again and speaking slower. "Look. Yunho says management is getting… impatient." Yoochun doesn't say anything. "Don't wait until you don't have control anymore and then want to do something about it."
The hard look Yoochun gives him makes Jaejoong uneasy, and he drops his gaze to the floor, toeing at the tiles. "Is this like an intervention or something?"
Jaejoong's foot continues moving back and forth. "We just care, Yoochun-ah. That's all." He inhales and holds. "You and Junsu didn't used to be like this."
Somehow, Yoochun's silence gets even quieter and Jaejoong's entire body jerks when the kettle starts whistling. As Jaejoong turns the stove off, Yoochun stands up and says, "Sorry, hyung. Don't think I feel like tea after all," then leaves quickly.
It's the first time when Jaejoong's fear of everything ending in the blink of an eye isn't simply a nagging paranoia or the result of having too much time on his hands. This time, the possibility of the unfixable manifests itself as something heavy and suffocating settling deep in his gut.
Yunho's always been the person he goes to for reassurance, but the regular words of comfort don't come when Jaejoong next sees him. And in that moment, there's nothing Jaejoong wants more than the ability to live life backwards.
The rest of the week has everyone walking on eggshells and time is mostly filled by silence. Changmin, who didn't witness either of the talks, ends up feeding on the tension. He grows more and more irritable and yells at everyone during dinner one night, throwing his bowl into the sink, shattering it, before stalking back to his room. He stays there for two days and Jaejoong compliantly delivers Changmin's meals to him, knowing none of them had any right to be upset at his behavior.
Yunho approaches Jaejoong on the second day of Changmin's self-imposed isolation, saying things like "give up", "nothing we can do", and "ten years is a long time."
Jaejoong doesn't stay and listen.
He manages to get Yoochun and Junsu into the work room the next day at the same time, ignoring Yoochun's annoyance with him for continuing to push the issue and Junsu's obvious discomfort for the same reason.
"Will you be better if we all quit?" he says before they even sit down. "If you tell me that it's this - this life and this industry that's making you two fall apart, I'll go to management right now and tell them we're done. But I'm not giving this up if you can't guarantee that. This is my life too."
Neither Yoochun nor Junsu make eye contact with him or say anything at first. Only when Jaejoong's nearing the end of his patience does Junsu murmur to Yoochun, "Maybe we need a longer break." It's nothing like a guarantee, but Jaejoong still feels like he's suddenly able to breathe better.
"Would that help?" Jaejoong says, not bothering to tone down the obvious hope in his voice. Junsu glances at him and Jaejoong feels a little bit like shit because Junsu clearly looks like he's beating himself up over this. "I want you two to be okay most of all. I promise."
"Hyung, you've always wanted to try going solo, haven't you?"
"Yoochun!" Junsu hisses.
Jaejoong gets why Yoochun's being like this. He learned and memorized Yoochun's defense mechanisms years ago, but being subject to them is still unnerving. "Yeah," he says tersely, "but I'll do it when I want to and think it's right for me, not because you're giving me no other choice."
Yoochun seems to feel bad about his comment, sighing as he musses up his hair. "How much longer are you talking about?" he finally says, quietly and not sounding entirely convinced, but it's something.
Junsu looks uneasy as he answers, or rather doesn't, mouth opening and closing without saying anything.
"Are you second guessing now?" Yoochun says, picking at his shirt. Junsu shakes his head.
Jaejoong just feels awkward now and clears his throat equally so. "You guys should. Talk." He starts shuffling towards the door. "Just, let me or Yunho know or something. What you decide." Not waiting for an answer, he slips out quietly and leans against the wall. When a few minutes pass and everything is still calm, he heads down the hall to one of the bedrooms.
He needs a nap on a real bed badly.
It turns out when Junsu had said break, he meant from the relationship as well as group activities.
"It's for a month," Junsu tells the rest of them the next day. Yoochun says, "By the end, we'll either have figured out what we're doing wrong or we'll be happier."
Jaejoong doesn't know how well this is going to work, but Changmin starts eating with them again, so he figures there has to be something to believe in, even if he doesn't know what it is.
After things have been finalized and approved with management, Yoochun buys a ticket to Thailand. No one knows how he's going to communicate with anyone there let alone what he's going to do, but Yoochun starts to look forward to his trip so they let him do what he wants.
The day before Yoochun leaves, Yunho and Changmin help with Yunho asking if he's remembered enough socks and underwear while Changmin pitches in by suggesting a packing list of porn magazines and a Thai-Korean book of pick up lines.
Jaejoong lets them be and goes to find Junsu instead. For all his talk, Jaejoong knows that he's not that much older than everyone else and he doesn't really possess any extra life wisdom to offer; but he's still the oldest and as a hyung, he can't rest easy unless he knows everyone's okay.
He finds Junsu in the living room playing Super Mario Brothers. Sitting down next to him, Jaejoong keeps silent until Junsu finishes the level and saves the game.
"I'm fine, hyung."
Jaejoong blinks and rewinds the past minute in his head to make sure that he didn't actually say anything and just not realized he had. "Fine-fine or I'm not really fine, I just want you to leave me alone-fine?" he says after ascertaining that he's not experiencing selective memory loss.
Junsu looks at him with an expression Jaejoong can't read, yet it still has a way of making him feel smaller and smaller. "Somewhere in the middle."
"Oh." Jaejoong draws his knees up and rests his chin on top. "Would you say it's leaning towards one more than the other?"
Shoving at Jaejoong's shoulder, Junsu pushes him over before turning back to the game and moving onto the next level. "You can stay, hyung," Junsu says a little bit later, eyes focused on the screen as he makes Mario jump on three turtle shells in a row.
Still sprawled out on the floor, Jaejoong smiles and maneuvers until his feet are in Junsu's lap, not for any purpose other than to be a brat. He spends the rest of the afternoon watching Junsu beat up badass turtles and drifting in and out of sleep.
While the break is mainly for Junsu and Yoochun, the other three can't help but benefit from it as well. A giant package that came for Changmin the second day after Yoochun left turned out to be 25 books ranging from fiction to non-fiction to poetry and one smutty romance novel that Jaejoong wanted to laugh at him for but didn't in fear of getting pummeled. Yunho signs up for a kickboxing class a friend of his teaches while spending the rest of the time at the SME training building with Heechul. From the way Yunho grumbles about the latter at dinner, Jaejoong figures Heechul still enjoys teasing Yunho and making on-lookers mistake them for a real couple.
Jaejoong, on the other hand, doesn't have any big ventures planned. Sometimes he spends hours in the work room when his fingers are restless, other times he's in the kitchen learning new recipes and while Changmin reads at the dining table, providing easy access for taste tests. One day, he spends all afternoon out on their balcony, people-watching. It's the life he sometimes wished he had in the past, and he feels bad that he's getting it at the expense of others but he figures it'd be equally rude to waste the opportunity.
Yoochun's been gone for about a week when Jaejoong gets woken up in the middle of the night by noises coming from the kitchen. He spends half a second each on thinking it's a burglar, a rat, or Yoochun, but then he remembers that Yoochun isn't here, and somehow that nullifies the other two as well. Forcing himself to get up, Jaejoong stumbles to the kitchen doorway with the blanket wrapped haphazardly around him and blinks blearily at the figure currently raiding the fridge.
Damn it, he thinks. Glasses. He conveniently forgot to put those on first.
"Who are you and why are you eating my food?" he says, leaning heavily against the wall and trying to fight gravity so, if it is actually a burglar, he can attack easily instead of sliding down onto his ass.
"Just me, hyung."
"You're not a burglar, Junsu."
Junsu appears from behind the door of the fridge with a jar of jjajangmyeon sauce in his hand. "Do we have any rice leftover?"
Jaejoong points at the rice cooker on the counter and could leave it there, but ends up walking over himself, grabbing a bowl from the cupboard along the way. As he scoops some rice for Junsu, he says, "Midnight snacks aren't usually your thing, are they?"
"Hunger's my thing."
The rice goes into the microwave and Jaejoong faces Junsu again as it works its radiation magic. Junsu's sitting at the kitchen table now, spinning the jar in his hand. Or, at least, that's what Jaejoong thinks he's doing anyway - neither of them have bothered to turn on the lights as of yet.
Thirty seconds, Jaejoong realizes, is a fairly long time when two people are sitting in a room in the dark and not talking when they usually would be. Finally the microwave's timer beeps and Jaejoong brings the bowl over to Junsu, sliding it across the table as he sits down. He watches as Junsu spoons out and covers the top of the rice with the jjajangmyeon sauce, then mashes it all together until it's a mass of brown.
Though it's simple and might even look unappetizing, Jaejoong recognizes comfort food when he sees it. He's made more than enough for himself and the others over the past ten years.
Pulling his blanket in tighter, Jaejoong says, "You'll tell me when I can be nosy, right?"
"Hyung," Junsu says around a mouthful of rice, "do you know when the last time you asked me for permission to be nosy was?"
"I always ask permission," Jaejoong lies blatantly.
Junsu smiles a little though. "It was a month after you first met me because you heard my mom had been Miss Korea and wanted to know if she was hot."
Jaejoong's cheeks flush because Junsu's mother has taken care of all of them since then and now that thought is just awkward. "Is there a reason behind embarrassing me at 3am by pointing out my tendency of being attracted to older women?"
Junsu holds out a spoonful of rice that Jaejoong eats without a beat's pause. "The point is you've never been the type to ask people if it's okay that you shove yourself into their business. You just do it instead." Jaejoong frowns because it's true. Junsu sighs. "But if you really insist…you can be nosy whenever you want."
Stretching his arms out on the table, Jaejoong lays his head on them and closes his eyes. "What happened?"
Junsu laughs quietly and Jaejoong can imagine the look Junsu has on, the one he always made when he didn't want to tell everything and attempted to find a way in which to accomplish that without the other person catching on. "Life happened."
"Don't use deep, philosophical reasoning on me when you know I can't handle it," Jaejoong says, pouting against the inside of his elbow.
"Being honest," Junsu says. Just when Jaejoong thinks that's all he's going to get, Junsu continues. "This last year or so, I don't think I had any idea why we even bothered. It just felt more and more like a job. That I didn't like."
Jaejoong's hesitant to speak, but his curiosity takes priority. "You don't like him anymore?"
Junsu sighs and Jaejoong hears the sound of the bowl being shoved away. When he talks, Junsu sounds a bit guilty. "I still love him. Of course I do. I just - I don't know."
"It's okay."
There's wry laughter from Junsu. "It's not, but thanks anyway, hyung."
"Do you think it'll be better, after he comes back?" Jaejoong says, sitting up enough to prop his chin up with a hand. Junsu is silent for a long while, but he waits.
"I'm afraid that this will prove we were at our best when we were just friends," Junsu says eventually, quiet. "That we never should've taken the step and become a thing."
"You guys are really awesome as a thing too," Jaejoong says, gnawing on the inside of his cheek.
Junsu shakes his head, laughing sharp and breathily. "We were really awesome at making fun of each other and being stupid together. We suck at everything else." He looks over at Jaejoong. "You know, until you made us last week, we had never had a real talk. We were either too proud or just didn't know how to. Never grew up from yelling."
"You can learn," Jaejoong says.
"That's assuming we'll even try again. He could come back and say that we're just better off being friends."
"What do you want him to say?"
Junsu shrugs. "Don't really know," he says, picking at the edge of the table. "I'm not sure if it even matters."
Having no suitable response for that, Jaejoong leans over and wraps half his blanket around Junsu's shoulders to try and rid the feeling of being useless.
The next two nights are eventless, but on the third, Jaejoong is woken up again by rustling, blinking a few times before he realizes it's Junsu on the couch.
"Junsu-yah?"
"Sorry, hyung. Go back to sleep."
Jaejoong sits up instead. "Is everything all right?"
"Fine. Just… wanted to sleep somewhere else. That's all." Junsu turns and faces the back of the couch. "Really. 'Night, hyung."
Jaejoong watches Junsu's back for a while, then decides to let it go. "'Night, Junsu."
The night after that, Junsu's already in his pajamas and sitting on the couch when Jaejoong returns from the bathroom. He doesn't say anything to Junsu, going about his usual routine silently, even turning the lights off though Junsu hasn't moved from his spot.
It's only after Jaejoong's settled under the covers with his eyes closed that Junsu says, "I miss him."
"He's coming back," Jaejoong says.
"He could decide that he's happier without being attached."
"Junsu." Jaejoong opens his eyes and looks over. "I love you, but you're being stupid." Junsu nods blankly, but Jaejoong knows he's thinking about more could and what-ifs. Sighing, Jaejoong lifts the side of his blanket up. "Come here."
"Hyung?"
"Just come on." Junsu crawls down onto the floor, his own blankets trailing behind him. After he lies down, Jaejoong says, "How did you two sleep?"
"What?"
"You and Yoochun. You did sleep together, didn't you?" When Junsu still makes noises of uncertainty and confusion instead of giving Jaejoong a real answer, Jaejoong simply pushes Junsu onto his side and presses up behind him, arm draped over Junsu's stomach. "Like this?"
Junsu squirms uncomfortably. "Hyung, what are you doing?"
"You're really shitty at sleeping alone, aren't you?" Jaejoong says, fluffing up the pillow with his other hand and shoving it under their heads. "Even your prettiness isn't enough to go up against baggy eyes. Get some real rest."
It's only when Jaejoong's already half-asleep that he feels Junsu relax against him and a hand tentatively touch the one he has on Junsu's stomach.
It becomes something Jaejoong expects every night after that. Sometimes Junsu is there waiting; sometimes Jaejoong's already been asleep for an hour before he's woken up momentarily by Junsu's body curling up next to him.
Everything's smooth sailing until a few mornings later when Jaejoong wakes up to Junsu's face pressed against his chest, Junsu's hand underneath his shirt, their legs tangled together, and Jaejoong's erection somewhere in the midst of all of it. But even then, Jaejoong's fully prepared to lie and make up excuses for himself.
It's when he looks up and sees Changmin standing over them and hears Changmin say, "You know you're not Yoochun-hyung, right?" that Jaejoong knows he has a problem he can't fabricate away.
"You can't tell Yunho. Or Yoochun. Or Junsu." Yunho's out again and Jaejoong is pacing around in his and Changmin's room while Changmin sits at his desk, watching in amusement. "You definitely cannot tell Junsu. Or Yoochun. Or Yunho." Jaejoong stops and stares at Changmin. "Actually, can I just wipe your memory completely?"
Changmin holds his arms out. "You are certainly welcome to try. Though between you and me, I doubt you'll succeed."
Jaejoong collapses dramatically face down onto Changmin's bed. "I hate my life."
"Are you talking to me or my mattress?"
Rolling over, Jaejoong tries again. "I hate you. And myself. This could totally be a fluke, right?"
"The feeling is mutual, I agree completely, and yes, it could, but it probably isn't." Changmin leans over until he's in Jaejoong's peripheral view. "Hyung, have you been checking me out all these years too?"
Jaejoong sputters. "I haven't been checking anyone out! I like girls. I love girls. And I love having sex with them!"
"So you've just been tricked by the womanly curves of Junsu-hyung's body."
"Yes." Jaejoong blinks. "I mean, no! Fuck you."
Changmin chuckles. "Sorry, hyung. I don't swing that way." Groaning, Jaejoong grabs a nearby pillow and tries to suffocate himself as Changmin's laughter dies down. "But seriously. You're not just playing a joke, are you?"
Jaejoong moves the pillow down and hugs it to his chest. "I got turned on by a man this morning, Changmin. You have no idea how far from joking I am right now." He throws the pillow away again and covers his face. "Jesus fucking Christ, what the fuck am I doing," he says quietly, feeling like he did the night they debuted, except fifty times worse, as if he's about to throw up his stomach along with everything in it.
"Maybe you just haven't gotten laid in a while," Changmin says, and Jaejoong can tell he's actually trying to be helpful.
"I jerk off, like, every other day."
Changmin makes a gagging noise. "Hyung! Come on. I don't need visuals like that!" Jaejoong doesn't try to look apologetic. Neither of them say anything for a while, then Changmin prods Jaejoong's leg with his foot. "So what are you going to do tonight?"
It's something Jaejoong doesn't even want to think about. "There'll be a pillow between us at all times."
"… If you take mine to use, I'll kill you."
Junsu isn't there yet that night so Jaejoong puts the pillow (that isn't Changmin's) on his left where Junsu sleeps. Then he lies back and not-sleeps as he waits for Junsu to show. The other comes shuffling in not long after, and Jaejoong finds himself holding his breath as he tries to be inconspicuous in watching Junsu out the corner of his eye.
After Junsu lies down and settles in comfortably, there's a slight pause and then, "Hyung. Is there a pillow under here?"
Jaejoong contemplates feigning ignorance about who Junsu is talking to, but decides he's lost enough dignity in one 24-hour period. "Yes?"
"Why?"
"Um. It's… for you?"
Junsu reaches under the covers and wrestles the pillow out, looking at it and then at Jaejoong. "This thing's huge."
"It's fluffy," Jaejoong says. "Fluffy is comfortable."
"You're really thoughtful, hyung," Junsu says, discarding the pillow behind him at the same time Jaejoong tries to will it back with his mind. "But I barely even use yours." After that, Junsu rolls over and scoots back, spooning up against Jaejoong. If that wasn't bad enough, he grabs Jaejoong's hand too and tugs Jaejoong's arm around his waist.
It's fairly obvious to Jaejoong that he's just not going to get any sleep tonight.
"Hyung?"
"Yeah?" Jaejoong says, keeping his body very, very still.
"Thanks. You know. For doing this for me and not letting it get weird or awkward," Junsu says, squeezing Jaejoong's hand lightly.
Half of Jaejoong is melting at Junsu's sincerity while the other half is chastising himself for being the worst friend of the millennium. "Don't worry about it."
Hours later, when Junsu turns in his sleep and wraps his limbs around Jaejoong, Jaejoong has to accept that this isn't a phase or sympathy pains. That somehow, after ten years of being around Junsu and feeling nothing more than brotherly love, suddenly the thing he wants most in his life is to know what kissing Junsu would be like.
When Changmin walks into the kitchen the next morning to Jaejoong nursing a coffee - extra bitter - at the counter, he says, "Good morning, hyung."
To which Jaejoong replies with, "I'm so fucking screwed."
"Please direct me to the nearest source of food first. Then we'll talk." Jaejoong waves vaguely to the opened containers of jjigae from their usual delivery restaurant. After Changmin has his fifty pounds of foot in front of him, he opens with, "So how did your pillow mission go?"
"Junsu sucks like a sucking thing," Jaejoong says, huffing. It takes a bit of Changmin's prolonged silence for him to look up and realize that Changmin's staring at him in a mixture of horror and amazement. Then he connects the dots and proceeds to flail. A lot. "Oh my god, no! I didn't mean it like that! It's nothing like that!"
"So what happened?"
"He went all serious and said thank you."
Changmin swallows before saying, "He's said thank you to you before."
Jaejoong gnaws on the rim of his mug. "He's never said it while I, you know. Liked him."
"Hyung." Changmin sits up and looks at Jaejoong pointedly. "You were still straight last week. I mean, presumably, you still are straight. So how can you even say that and take yourself seriously?" Jaejoong mumbles something. "What?"
Jaejoong takes a deep breath and holds it. "Imaybealittlebitwantedtokisshimlastnight."
Changmin does the staring thing again, then goes back to eating as if all was normal. Except for when he says, "Oh yeah. You're totally screwed."
Jaejoong puts his mouth and nose into his cup and tries to drown himself.
The thing is, Jaejoong thinks, it wouldn't be so bad if either Junsu or he had something to do away from the apartment. As it stands, it's usually the opposite with Changmin and Yunho constantly being out, so Jaejoong's always with Junsu. Alone. By themselves. Most of the time, Jaejoong can sneak away under the guise of writing music, and Junsu still prefers to spend his free time playing video games or talking to his brother or both at the same time.
But sometimes Junsu will grow bored of games and his brother will have other things to tend to, so he wanders into the kitchen where Jaejoong is and where Jaejoong can't leave because he's cooking and because stopping would mean burning the house down.
Today's one of those days. As Jaejoong washes the rice in the sink, he hears the TV turn off in the living room and silence suddenly fill the apartment instead. He counts back from five in his head and the moment he turns to place the washed rice back in the cooker, Junsu walks in with a bouncy ball in his hand.
"If you bounce that into my food, Kim Junsu, I will hurt you."
Junsu immediately tucks the ball behind his back and puts on an insulted face. "Hyungs aren't supposed to abuse their dongsaengs."
"Dongsaengs that are almost 30 years old shouldn't require threatening anymore," Jaejoong says, getting out another pot and placing it on the stove.
"You're mean," Junsu says. "I'm hungry."
Sighing, Jaejoong picks up a piece of carrot from the mix of ingredients he has carefully laid out in front of him. Holding it over his shoulder, his other hand starts grabbing piles and tossing vegetables into the pot. He freezes between the mushrooms and peppers when he feels something damp skim over the top of his fingertip.
Junsu giggles. "Tastes good, hyung."
It's like his shoulder is a pivot as he spins around and his finger ends up still pointing at Junsu - specifically, Junsu's mouth. His own mouth starts moving, but the sound is a bit delayed and when it does come out, it almost doesn't make sense at all. "You - I - Don't - My finger is not for eating!"
Junsu just laughs again and comes over, peeking into the pot. "Jjigae?" he says, picking up the chopsticks and mixing the ingredients around. "Did you put extra chili in it again?"
Jaejoong's calmed somewhat by now. "I didn't, you big baby." Junsu sticks his tongue out in retaliation and Jaejoong grabs a nearby pepper, holding it over Junsu's mouth precariously.
Junsu shirks back immediately. "Hyung!" he says, horrified. "That's uncalled for!"
"Stop mixing up my jjigae," Jaejoong says, putting the pepper back down to slap the back of Junsu's hand instead. "You're as bad as Yunho."
"That's even more uncalled for."
The rest of the ingredients get added and soon it's bubbling away on its own, leaving Jaejoong with nothing to do but turn and look at Junsu awkwardly. It's a little better when Junsu moves first, prodding Jaejoong in the stomach.
"Take a picture, it lasts longer," Junsu says, smiling as if he's just invented the best joke in the world.
Later, it will be unclear to Jaejoong why he did what he's going to do. Later, he'll freak out every five minutes and run to Changmin for refuge. But now, right this second, he can't stop staring at Junsu's grin, eyes tracing the outline of Junsu's mouth over and over.
At least, until he gets his head functioning again and realizes that somehow, Junsu has moved about a foot closer.
"Hyung?"
Or, Jaejoong supposes, it could be entirely possible that he was the one that moved. In which case, he thinks that perhaps he should make up a good excuse for doing so and soon, especially since Junsu is looking at him suspiciously, the smile no longer there.
Despite all that, the best he can come up with is still: "Uhhh." But mostly, he doesn't think he understands why Junsu doesn't look perturbed or uncomfortable yet with Jaejoong practically breathing the same air as him.
"Do you want to kiss me or something?"
Those words are what jerks Jaejoong away, and he nearly upsets the pot behind him if not for Junsu's sharp warning, twisting his body at the last second to avoid giving himself second-degree burns. Something grabs his arm and he latches onto it, but it turns out Junsu doesn't have a good grasp on his balance either and they both end up toppling gracelessly to the floor.
The first thing Jaejoong feels is throbbing pain all the way from his head to his lower back. When that dulls enough, the second thing he feels is the weight on top of him, most noticeably being how warm and soft it is. "Junsu, is that you?" he says slowly, all the while wishing the answer will be no.
"I think so," Junsu groans, and he shifts, popping into Jaejoong's view. "Are you okay, hyung?"
Jaejoong swallows. "Uh huh." Maybe Junsu hasn't gotten up because he did get hurt. Or maybe it's because Jaejoong is trapping one of his limbs, but he doesn't really feel anything underneath him, so that's probably not true.
Junsu wriggles around some more, making Jaejoong think he's going to get off, but instead, he maneuvers himself so he's fully on top of Jaejoong, arms crossed on Jaejoong's chest. "You didn't answer my question."
"What?" Jaejoong says as he attempts to ignore the way Junsu's foot shakes against his, but failing completely.
"My question!" Junsu says, and Jaejoong just cannot stop staring at his mouth.
"I don't remember -" "I can ask it again." "-my answer."
Junsu stares at Jaejoong skeptically. "You're lying. And weird. A lying weirdo."
Jaejoong's mouth acts on its own. "I'm straight."
"Is that supposed to be your answer?"
"…Yeah?"
Smiling, Junsu gets up and stands over Jaejoong, one foot on either side of Jaejoong's shoulders. Jaejoong expects him to do something horrible, or perhaps call Jaejoong out on his claim, but Junsu just snorts and steps off completely, calling over his shoulder as he leaves the kitchen, "Don't put any more chili in!"
Jaejoong stays lying on the floor for an entire five minutes after that, the same amount of time it takes for the imprint of Junsu's warmth to finally leave his skin.
Jaejoong's almost scared to go to bed that night, wondering if Junsu's just been biding his time and waiting to strike when Jaejoong is most vulnerable. Though this, really, had been any time since the kitchen incident and even Yunho had caught on and noticed his nerves.
However, to his surprise, when Junsu gets under the covers next to him, there's a space between them that's never been there before. It gets even stranger when Junsu says good night and promptly closes his eyes - no hugging Jaejoong's arm, no using Jaejoong's chest as a pillow.
Jaejoong's mind is going a million miles a minute as he tries to figure out what's going on. Maybe Junsu thinks he's homophobic and hates him now and is here because he doesn't want to cause more tension but doesn't really want to be, and maybe Jaejoong should bring it up instead of letting Junsu think that he hates man-on-man action or maybe - maybe he should let Junsu hold his hand like he is.
Backtracking, Jaejoong lifts up the covers and stares, confirming that, yes, Junsu's hand is definitely grasping his. When he looks back up again, he meets Junsu's mischievous grin and nearly has a heart attack. "What are you doing?" he whispers, as if their conversations are being bugged.
"Nothing? Just lying here. What about you?"
"You're holding my hand!"
Junsu pretends to be confused. "I've held your hand before, hyung. What's wrong with doing it now?" Jaejoong sputters, mostly because he doesn't have a decent answer for that. Junsu just turns to giggling. "Hyung. Did you know that having sex with a guy is practically the same as doing it with a girl? I mean I guess there's only one hole, but do you really need more than that? Have you ever wanted to use more tha-"
"Junsu!"
Smiling serenely, Junsu scoots close enough that Jaejoong can feel their breaths mix, and it's all Jaejoong can do to pry his attention away from that and listen to Junsu instead. "Do I make you wonder a little bit?"
Jaejoong feels like someone shoved a bunch of cotton down his throat. "Wonder what?" he croaks.
"How different or similar it really is?"
The situation is too real for him and Jaejoong tugs his hand away, but Junsu just tightens his grip. "Junsu, that's enough. Go to bed."
"It's okay," Junsu says.
Jaejoong laughs forcibly. "What you're suggesting is the complete opposite of okay."
"What am I suggesting?"
"Yoochun's my best friend!" Jaejoong tries detaching his hand again, but doesn't get further than last time.
Junsu's expression slips into something more serious. "I know. And right now, he's technically my ex-boyfriend. If you really want to, hyung, it's okay with me."
"You're telling me it's okay to break some best friend honor code."
Junsu rolls his eyes. "We're not girls."
"You know if Yoochun were here and hearing this, he'd be pretty upset," Jaejoong says. "You can't really say all that and mean it."
Looking away briefly, Junsu sighs and twists his mouth. "It's not like we didn't talk about this," he says, messing up his hair with his other hand. "I said it was okay if he did stuff with someone else while he was gone. He said the same."
"I don't think he was thinking of me as that someone else when he said that."
"Not everyone is as okay with having one-night stands as he is."
Jaejoong feels like he's going to throw up. Junsu clearly notices, because he gets even closer, brow furrowed as he touches Jaejoong's face. The second he does, Jaejoong's head falls forward onto Junsu's chest and he breathes in shakily, managing to hold it for a second or two before letting it out audibly.
"Hyung?"
"You're being serious with me," Jaejoong says, now doing the opposite and squeezing Junsu's hand hard. "You're actually… propositioning me." He can feel Junsu smile against the top of his head.
"You've been taking care of me a lot," Junsu says. "And you don't ask a lot of questions, not because you're making yourself hold back, but you know it's not necessary right now. It's been really nice."
Jaejoong laughs nervously. "I've already said to Changmin that I like girls."
Junsu snorts. "Are you telling me that after ten years of being around mostly guys, you still really care about what gender you're sleeping with?"
"God, Junsu," Jaejoong says, rubbing at his face. "Only you would make me start questioning my sexuality when I'm almost 30 years old."
"It's never too late to start thinking about cock," Junsu says brightly.
"Ohhhh god, okay," Jaejoong groans, moving away and laying his head back on the pillow. "I'm sleeping on this and you're going to stop talking about dicks in a sexual manner."
Giggling, Junsu cuddles up to Jaejoong's shoulder. "Fine. I bet you're going to dream about them anyway."
Jaejoong doesn't feel bad at all about pummeling Junsu with the pillow to shut him up.
Fortunately, Junsu doesn't make any sexual remarks or says anything out of the ordinary the next day, which Jaejoong is grateful for because the last thing he needs is for Changmin to gain more material and Yunho to become the embodiment of worry.
Finally, after dinner, Jaejoong finds himself in the living room while Junsu yells into his headset at his brother about an enemy around the corner while he stabs at the controller and shoots at his own ugly, mutant thing. One day, Jaejoong thinks, he'll figure out the attraction of shooting at aliens. Maybe when they actually invade Earth.
Grabbing a cushion, Jaejoong lies down, intending to wait patiently for Junsu to be done. Except the next time he opens his eyes, there's no more sounds of guns shooting and instead of a view of Junsu's back, he's met with Junsu's grin right above his face. "Morning, sunshine."
Jaejoong rubs at his eyes and cranes his head back to look out the window at the moon peeking behind a spotty cloud. "It's not morning."
"Oh well," Junsu says, and promptly crawls onto the couch to straddle Jaejoong. This wakes up Jaejoong faster than anything short of fire. "Did you need me?"
"Yes, but I don't think it was to make you sit on me," Jaejoong says.
"And only what you think." Junsu leans down, close enough that Jaejoong can count each lash, feel each breath, see every crack in Junsu's chapped lips. Close enough to kiss. "Had to sleep on it twice?"
"What?" Jaejoong says with some effort. "Oh. Um. No. Just. Was waiting. Did you eat an apple?"
Junsu laughs and Jaejoong thinks about just how unfair it is that Junsu was given the fullest pair of lips he's ever seen. "With peanut butter."
Jaejoong's laugh carries a little bit more insanity and disbelief. "Is this flirting? Are we flirting? Oh my god."
"Hyung, you think too much. This is just for fun. Come on, you haven't had a girlfriend for ages."
"That's just insulting," Jaejoong says, pinching Junsu's thigh and feeling a little bit of satisfaction when Junsu yelps and pouts. "Though true." A beat passes. Biting down on his lip, Jaejoong moves his hand up and settles it on Junsu's waist lightly, almost not touching at all. "You know most of the crazy things I've done. I think this is going to take the cake."
Junsu smiles and leans down until his forehead touches Jaejoong's. "Should I feel honored? I feel honored." His breath fans over Jaejoong's mouth and the sensation immediately attracts Jaejoong's gaze downwards, where he stares openly. Junsu's smile grows wider. "Are you going to jump in or should I push you?"
Jaejoong swallows and fists Junsu's shirt. He murmurs, "Meet you in the middle?"
And he's not sure what meeting in the middle is supposed to feel like, but this is what he does know: Junsu's mouth is soft yet still scratchy, and warm and full, and the way he kisses makes Jaejoong think of the first girl he ever (willingly) kissed - something new and exciting, and Jaejoong's not entirely sure that it has anything to do with Junsu's existence as a guy.
At first, it's mostly Junsu kissing him, mouth moving carefully as if testing the way Jaejoong's fits against his, and when he does figure it out, it's evident in the way the kiss grows firmer, coaxing Jaejoong to respond. Jaejoong does, hesitantly, fingers still wrapped tight in Junsu's shirt, hardly even breathing because that would be too much multi-tasking for him to handle right now.
In the back of his mind, Jaejoong thinks about what Changmin said again, that he's not Yoochun, and he wonders if Junsu knows this too or if it makes no difference who he happens to be kissing. His brain transitions into wondering what Junsu thinks about when he kisses Yoochun and if Junsu weren't so focused on his lower lip, he'd ask what Junsu's thinking now.
Seconds later, when Junsu's tongue grazes along his lip, wetting it, Jaejoong decides he doesn't want to know.
He just wants more.
Part 2