enigmaxempress: And We're Halfway There (Part 3/3)

[iasfm]

Part 2

IV.

Changmin is distant these days and Yunho doesn't understand why.

It's never more obvious than when he tries to hold the younger boy's hand but ends up getting subtly avoided. It's not like they're in a public place-Yunho's parents are out and Ji Hye's sleeping over at a friend's house. They're alone in an empty house, lights dimmed, and horror movies lined up to ensure they don't sleep at all tonight. Of course Yunho's got other things in mind to keep them awake, but those kinds of things are progressive and almost always start with a single touch.

Yunho shrugs it off, thinking that the first try had been nothing but wrong timing. But when he tries again only for his hand to be carefully evaded, Yunho can't help but frown. Changmin is secretly a romantic and actually likes holding hands, so for him to pull away has Yunho imagining all sorts of unfortunate things instead of enjoying the gore and screams he and Changmin occasionally like. It makes him nervous, mind wandering so that when Changmin asks him how he liked the film, Yunho hesitates to answer. He hadn't actually paid attention, much less formed an opinion.

"It's was...okay." A generic answer that, but it's as good as he can come up with at the moment.

"You didn't like it?" Changmin asks, reaching for another DVD.

"No, it was fine. I was just thinking."

"Hey, that's my job," Changmin jokes, his eyes warm, sparkling with a mirth and affection that has Yunho's seldom seen these days. He's quiet for a second too long and Changmin asks, "Something wrong?"

Yunho rolls his shoulders, leaning on the armrest of the couch to level a stare at the younger boy. Yunho hesitates because he isn't sure either. "You tell me."

"Huh?"

"Never mind," Yunho says, losing nerve. He feels a little stupid, making something out of nothing, and wishes he'd never brought it up in the first place. "It's nothing."

"Now, see, when girls say that, it just means there is something." Changmin sets the discs down and faces Yunho, expression open, inviting, but he's still too far away. The sofa isn't large, but Changmin crowds the other end, almost as if he's trying to create as much as he can between himself and Yunho. Yunho would be less insulted if Changmin had decided to sit somewhere else.

"And what would you know about girls?"

"Not a lot, obviously," Changmin answers, "And you're not exactly a girl, hyung, but I still think there is."

Yunho is quiet for a moment, then says, "Yeah, I guess there is. You want to tell me about it?"

Changmin's puzzled expression is almost convincing. "I don't-"

Yunho's hand cuts into the air, waving away his excuses before Changmin can make them. "Don't bother trying to deny it, Changmin. Since that night in the park, you've been... distant. You avoid me, even when we're together. I try to touch you, but you move away. Is it me? Us? Do we have a problem? What should I do to try and fix it?"

"No! No, it's not you," Changmin says with a violent shake of his head. "It's...It's me."

Yunho stares at Changmin for a moment, brow raised and expectant. "That doesn't really tell me anything, Changmin. I thought we weren't going to be like those people who never talk about important stuff. We can't work it out if you're keeping things to yourself."

The younger boy looks away, a hollow forming on his cheek where his teeth gnaw at the inner lining. Yunho realizes it comes too close to patronizing, sounding too much like a lecture rather than the entreaty he means it to be. The last thing he wants is to be associated with some parental figure.

"I know," Changmin says quietly, seemingly unable to look Yunho in the eye. "I just... it's guilt, I think."

"Guilt..." Yunho says slowly, chest pinching uncomfortably. He's almost afraid to ask. "Why?"

"There's no one else," Changmin says quickly to ward off any misunderstandings. It doesn't help Yunho feel any better. "It's just-Jaejoong hyung's been on my mind a lot lately, and it's been bothering me."

Thinking. Yunho knows where some of Changmin's have led. A band tightens around his chest. Yunho tries to do this as composed as possible.

"Do you like him?"

"What?" The word doesn't contain nearly as much surprise as it should.

"Do you like him?" he enunciates more slowly, trying to curb his initial jealousy, since it'd be hypocritical.

If there's one thing about himself that Yunho has a love-hate relationship with, it's his awesome inability to lie. For some reason he always feels the need to be honest and tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Maybe if he believed in lying-or at least believed in it a little-he could ignore the way Changmin's fixation intrigues him more than it bothers him.

"No, of course not! I love you, hyung." Yunho ignores the frisson of heat that courses though him at Changmin's words; he'll have time to entertain that heat soon enough. Right now he's got questions that need answers.

"Let me rephrase that," he says, drawing breath. He can't quite believe the words coming out of his mouth either. "Are you attracted to him?"

"Why are you-"

"It's just a question," Yunho answers. "If you did, it'd fine that you felt that way. It's not like it's a bad thing. It's not like I expect you not to react to other people or be immune."

"You don't mind?"

"I mind, Changmin," Yunho clarifies. "But I'm not mad. Why should I be? I'm not blind. It's not like Jaejoong's ugly."

Changmin looks like he wants to say something mouth poised to form words, but none come out. He ends up gaping instead, then surges forward, kissing Yunho abruptly, the timing a bit off when he covers Yunho's mouth with his own. His teeth nip Yunho's lip as he and Yunho groans, taking the tiny bite in stride using it to his advantage, grazing his own teeth on a corner of Changmin's mouth. The reaction he gets is a predictable one, Changmin's yelp of surprise at the short sting the perfect opportunity for Yunho to slip his tongue in. The kiss becomes too hot too fast and soon they're shedding clothes and pushing against the nearest flat surface of Yunho's living room.

"This," Changmin whispers hotly, pulling Yunho tightly against him so that his erection rests heavily on Yunho's thigh. "This isn't because of Jaejoong."

"It better be because of me." Yunho's breath hitches, and this wouldn't be the best time, but he's so close and just has to ask. "Do you think this," he surges into Changmin, rocking his hips so that his own erection makes itself known. He's hard, painfully so, and Yunho's barely touched him but still- "Is because of you?"

Changmin gasps at the implication, making his hands hasty where they'd usually linger. He tugs on both their cocks shooting them straight for that edge. "Mine, mine. Yours." Changmin pants into Yunho's ear. "Yours. Always yours."

That's all Yunho really needs. His heart stops, breath stalls, body stills-then he's falling. Changmin's words fuel the speed of his hands so that Changmin's pleasure chases after his own, his head tipping back in a silent moan while Changmin coats his fingers in sticky white. It's only afterward that he realizes the words are off. Always yours, he'd said. Always, but not only? Changmin hadn't answered his questions either.

When Changmin goes home, Yunho already predicts a night of tossing and turning and he's right. The clock ticks and Yunho's able to count the minutes till dawn, half afraid of falling into sleep for fear of what he'll dream.

It's not easy to confuse bright, mismatched eyes with a dark, sensual gaze, even in his dreams.

--

The next few weeks are a blur of activity, so busy that even Jaejoong who's never been an active participant in school activities gets roped into helping out for graduation.

"Slow poke." Yunho teases as he passes by, heavy box of decorations in tow. "Gotta use those muscles for something. Or are they just for display?"

"Shut up." Jaejoong snarls at him, hurrying to catch up. They end up racing down the hall to the storage room and back, competing to see who could stack away more boxes. Boys being boys, it's a close match and by the time the last box is put away, their little competition has pretty much degenerated into a ruckus. It results in their immediate banishment from the classroom-not that either of them is complaining.

Leaning against the wall just outside the door, they're both panting from exertion but somehow Yunho still finds the energy to smile at him from barely a foot away. It does nothing to help with his breathing and Jaejoong decides right then and there that being dead tired isn't so bad if it means Yunho smiling with him. Seeing it so often recently has made the last few weeks the best he's remembered.

They make a somewhat awkward pair, but they got along surprisingly well after the initial animosity was out of the way. They're friends, and even if Jaejoong's thoughts occasionally stray from that territory and into something more, it still works; though not completely. Not when Changmin is never too far away, a bittersweet reminder as well as a welcome distraction to the fixation Yunho's become. He's another reason for Jaejoong's sleepless nights, another obsession all together and it's a wonder how he's been able to function, so preoccupied with wanting things he shouldn't.

"Boo!" Jaejoong's eyes come to focus on Yunho's face, no longer a foot away but way too close instead. Jaejoong howls in pain when he pulls back in surprise, smacking his head against the classroom window with a loud thud. He hears a collection of muffled gasps and immediately there are faces pressed up against the glass, and a few heads poking out the door.

"Ow-okay, I'm fine, I'm fine, don't worry about it," he reassures them all, including Yunho, who's got the most concerned look on his face. Jaejoong's happy for their concern but this is just embarrassing.

"You sure you're okay?" Yunho asks for the umpteenth time, looking skeptical when Jaejoong answers in the affirmative, rubbing at the back of his head. Everyone else seems to agree and it's not long till they go back to their previous tasks, leaving Jaejoong and Yunho alone in the hallway once again. "Feels like that's going to be a nasty bump."

Jaejoong freezes, muscles locking in place when Yunho gently brushes away his fingers to replace them with his own. He presses the sore spot softly, feeling around for size as well as massaging for comfort. For someone so conservative and so careful of his Changmin's relationship, Yunho is always too close. They stand nearly in each other's arms, a pose easily misunderstood by any onlookers-and there are many.

"I've had worse." Jaejoong mutters, cheeks warm as he ducks under Yunho's arm, conscious of the very thin, very transparent glass that separates them from their schoolmates. He puts some distance between them, some breathing space, and Jaejoong is glad Yunho doesn't quite follow. He needs a moment to calm his racing heart, to remind himelf that Yunho's already beats for someone else.

"We should probably get you some ice for that though," Yunho suggests. Jaejoong starts to shake his head.

"I told you-"

"Hyung?" Both he and Yunho turn towards the voice, both of them surprised with whom it turns out to be.

"Junsu." They say at the same time, but Junsu only focuses on Jaejoong.

Jaejoong knows Junsu's face well enough to decipher almost every expression, but it's the lack of one that tells him something isn't right. There's a bleak look in his usually smiling eyes, and a faint, downward turn to his mouth that has Jaejoong saying, "I think I might need an ice pack after all, Yunho-yah." He looks away from Junsu for a moment, throwing a pleading glance Yunho's way. "Could you get me one?"

Yunho can read the urgency in the atmosphere but hesitates. "Sure," he answers slowly, walking down the hall to the nurse's office in the same manner. Jaejoong doesn't wait for him to completely disappear before pulling Junsu in the opposite direction, towards the stairwell and away from prying eyes. Classes are done for the day; there's no reason for anyone to happen by them.

"Yoochun broke up with me." Junsu says in a low voice, but there's no mistaking the pain behind the words, despite their near-monotonic delivery.

"When?" Jaejoong asks, surprised but not entirely. He'd seen this one coming.

"Yesterday. Afterschool. He- he says he doesn't know what he wants anymore." Junsu's voice wavers but doesn't break, and Jaejoong is torn between commending his loyalty or hitting him over the head for his stupidity.

"How... tragic." Jaejoong bites his tongue against the words he really wants to say, because all of them will only come out cruel, and Junsu didn't need any more of that right now. "I'm sure it was for the best."

Junsu rears back, eyes angry and face incredulous. "It's your fault and that's all you have to say for yourself?"

It's Jaejoong's turn to gape. "Are you fucking kidding me? You're really going to blame me for him being an asshole? What does this even have to do with me?"

"Talk to him," Junsu grits out. "He's being stupid and you're the only one he'll listen to. I don't care what you say, or how you do it, just as long as he comes back to me, it doesn't matter. Even if-" Junsu's hands clench into fists, knuckles white. "Even if I have to share him with you."

"Oh, fuck you." Jaejoong says, utterly speechless. "Stop trying to be a fucking martyr, because he isn't worth it."

"I'm not trying to be a martyr!" Junsu's voice rises at each word, echoing slightly in the stairwell. He emphasizes the words by planting his hand into the wall with a loud smack, fingers curling into a fist against the cement. "I- ... I love him," he utters more quietly.

"Well, you're screwed, aren't you?" Jaejoong answers, voice clipped and hard. "He fooled you once, shame on him. Fooled you twice, shame on you. If you let him full you three times, Junsu, you might actually deserve him. You'd be just as stupid."

"Hyung-"

"Stay the fuck away from me," Jaejoong growls, glaring at Junsu and daring him to follow. He doesn't let Junsu say a word, telling himself he isn't running away when he hauls himself up the stairs. Blood rushes in his ears, the sound loud and erratic; he can't hear if Junsu's followed. It's one foot in front of the other, faster and faster until there's no where left for him to go. He collides with the rooftop door.

I shouldn't be here, he thinks, slamming the door behind him. He walks to the ledge, kicking at the metal fence just in case it'll help him feel better. It doesn't. Jaejoong runs his hands through his hair, tugging harshly at the roots to distract himself from the burn going on behind his eyelids, heaving a sigh to loosen the constriction in his chest, none of which works. Jaejoong bites his lip against the burn.

He rushes to a corner air vent, twisting loose screws and lifting the flimsy, metal screen. He reaches for the hidden stash of knick knacks he knows is there, feeling for a box of cigarettes and the lighter. He lights one up quickly, anticipating the welcome rush of nicotine to calm his frenzied thoughts. It comes out in a heavy sigh, releasing something in him along with the smoke. He makes quick work of the short stick, frazzled nerves helping dwindle it down to a stub. He's reaching for another one when the door creaks, and Jaejoong curses his stupidity for leaving it unlocked. He's in no mood for company.

"What the fuck, Junsu. What part of stay away from me don't you-What are you doing here?" Jaejoong turns away. He doesn't want to be seen like this. "Um. Can you not be here right now?"

"I've got your ice," Yunho says quietly, pausing awkwardly at the door. Jaejoong listens to the sound of him tentatively approach, the complete opposite of what he wants.

"Thanks. But I already told you I don't really need it." He gives Yunho his back, fiddling with the lighter still in one hand. It's oddly comforting, the familiar weight and shape of it helping him breathe easier when Yunho comes close, pressing cold plastic into his palm. He ignores the little frisson of heat that emanates at the contact, attributing it to the cubes of ice in his hands rather than Yunho's holding his.

"Don't be stubborn," Yunho says, grip gentle but firm when Jaejoong tries to twist away. "I brought it already, so just use it." Jaejoong reluctantly complies but manages to free himself from Yunho's grasp. He puts some space between them, or at least as much as his pride will allow. There's a limit to the number of times a person should feel like crap in one day and Jaejoong's already reached his daily quota.

"How'd you know I was here?" Jaejoong asks, holding the ice pack to the back of his head grudgingly.

"I kind of heard. And saw, too."

Jaejoong almost jumps at that, eyes wide when he's able to process the words coming out of Yunho's mouth. "You heard nothing," he hisses. "You saw nothing."

"But... I did." Yunho answers, almost as if he's sorry.

It has Jaejoong flinging the icepack from his hand, watching with a perverse pleasure as it collides with the fence and hits the ground with a dull thud. "Shit," he mutters, pacing to the fence and kicking away the offending bag of ice to clutch at the holes in the metal. "How much did you hear?" He directs a glare over his shoulder, piercing Yunho with angry eyes.

Yunho faces him, expression a little regretful but unwavering. "Not a lot. Just some stuff about Yoochun, and it wouldn't be the first time." he admits. "That one night, when we went out for pizza and you had to leave; you and Junsu were arguing in the bathroom. I don't think you realized how loud you were."

Jaejoong's face burns, slightly embarrassed, but there's anger too. "So you've known for a while now." he states, and it comes out accusing.

"Sorry," Yunho apologizes and this time he has the decency to look like he actually means it.

Jaejoong sneers at the apology, reaching for his back pocket in an action that's automatic. Vision bleak, obscured by tears he refuses to shed; he holds another cigarette against the lighter's open flame. For a moment, he loses himself in the flare, the only light to what's so far his shittiest day ever. A moment too long and he's jerking his thumb away from the lighter's heated head.

"Want one?" he offers Yunho in an effort to diffuse their painfully awkward moment. He hates the quiver in his voice, but he's proud that he can look at Yunho with dry eyes. Yunho eyes it distastefully and Jaejoong almost takes it back when-

"I don't smoke-" Yunho takes the lighted stick from between Jaejoong's fingers anyway, Jaejoong too slow to react. "-anymore." He says, eyes unreadable as he locks Jaejoong's gaze with his own, bringing the cigarette slowly, deliberately against his lips and inhaling deeply. Jaejoong watches Yunho's eyes flutter, a nearly invisible shudder of delight coursing through his body when the nicotine hits his system.

"You know, because of you my life is fucked." A second, last drag and he throws it onto the ground and stomps it out with the toe of his shoe. Jaejoong can only mourn the loss of a perfectly good cigarette. Or not.

"What a coincidence." Jaejoong opts for vague, hoping it'll keep Yunho even a second longer because any moment now one of them is going to walk out and things won't be the same anymore. "My life is fucked because of me too." He wants another one and reaches for it as he simultaneously heads for the door.

"Where are you going?" Yunho asks as Jaejoong walks past him.

"Somewhere I don't want you to follow." He's prepared to leave it like that, undecided and without an ending-only he realizes that nothing's really begun because there are other things that haven't ended. He expects the fingers catching around his elbow; if there's one thing he's learned about Yunho in the past few weeks, it's that he's prone to becoming horribly attached. Jaejoong pulls out of his grip and guns for the exit. He's got a hand on the doorknob when Yunho slams a hand against the door, effectively barring it.

"Don't run away from this," he says, and Yunho sounds so sure that Jaejoong's tempted to push into his arms and force him to kiss everything away. But Yunho doesn't belong to him, and that reminder is more painful now than ever.

"Move," he scowls, anger a much better replacement than the tears that threaten to fall from his eyes. He's far from weak, completely shoves Yunho away from the door. He doesn't care if it's running away, doesn't look back even when he hears Yunho land onto the concrete with a thud.

Jaejoong just keeps on going.

--

It's Changmin who finds him.

It's completely unintentional; when night falls and the children leave, the playground at the park near his house is Changmin's haven. He'd played here as a child and the familiarity is comforting at times. Now that he's older, he can't exactly play like he used to, but Changmin's lost count of how many times he's sat on the swing, pushing slowly back and forth just to think. This time is no different, though he's surprised to see he's got company.

There's already someone occupying one of the swings, pushing lifelessly at the ground with his toes. The sun has already set but there's still light out, the far away street lamps casting a soft glow over a face Changmin's become increasingly familiar with. "Jaejoong hyung?" he calls out as he approaches. The chains twist as he turns, shadows shifting to confirm Changmin's assumption.

"God, I'm really popular today, aren't I?" Changmin hears him mutter under his breath. "What are you doing here?" His eyes narrow, shooting Changmin a suspicious glare. "Did Yunho send you?"

"Um, no? I live here. My house is two streets down. Don't you remember?"

Jaejoong stills for a moment and then looks around as if only now becoming aware of his surroundings. "Well, shit. You're right."

"What are you doing here? Don't you live..." Changmin pauses to think. He doesn't actually know where Jaejoong lives. "... away from here?"

"I don't know." Jaejoong shrugs, the movement stiff, like a heavy weight rests on his shoulders. "I just... needed to be alone for a while and happened to pass by."

"Oh. Well, okay. I'll leave you to it then." Changmin stands there awkwardly, unsure of where to go next. On one hand, he'd come here to be alone with his thoughts, and he usually did it while sitting on the swing. He couldn't quite fit on the slide anymore, and the jungle gym and monkey bars weren't very comfortable to sit on. He'd look stupid sitting in the sandbox or the seesaw by himself. On the other hand, there were two swings: the first Jaejoong occupied and the second less than three feet away. Changmin doesn't think sitting with Jaejoong when the older boy clearly didn't want any company was a good idea. Not to mention Changmin wouldn't be able to think properly with Jaejoong so near anyway.

Jaejoong decides for him. "Well don't just stand there," he says, making eye contact before righting his swing. "Sit," he gestures to the empty swing, "or leave, or do whatever it is you do here. Just don't stand there doing nothing. It's weird."

Changmin doesn't say no to that, sinking into the swing next to Jaejoong. He's facing the opposite way so that when he pushes back a little, he can see all of Jaejoong's face. After a moment, Changmin toes the dirt, starting up a slow sway as Jaejoong continues to brood. As he rocks back and forth, Changmin takes a glance every now and then, wondering why a deep frown mars Jaejoong's usually unconcerned features. Changmin is hard pressed to continue the silence when the older boy is so obviously troubled.

There's an urge to reach out and smoothen the lines on his face, to rub his shoulders and loosen the tension lining them. Changmin checks his thoughts, tightening his grip on the chains in his hands. He's more or less come to terms with these urges; logically thinking, as long as he doesn't give in to them, there's no harm, no foul. But a niggling thought at the back of his head tells him that even if he did act on them, it wouldn't be so bad either. Changmin takes care extra care not to entertain that thought.

"So... what are you thinking about?" he asks quietly, unable to wallow in the silence.

"Contemplating the fate of the universe," comes the straightaway reply. Changmin's a little surprised Jaejoong's answered at all. He stops his swing as he moves back, examining Jaejoong's face for signs of teasing but doesn't find any. He's being completely serious.

"Wow. That's... some heavy shit."

"Yeah. Tell me about it."

On the outside Changmin stayed neutral and unassuming, bending his knees to start the swing again; on the inside, however, a dozen different questions threaten to spill from his mouth, most of them none of his business. He settles on the one that pertains to him the most, though even that is pushing it a little. "You mentioned Yunho hyung," he says, remembering the surly tone Jaejoong had used, which is odd considering the two older boys got along well these days. "Did something happen?"

He catches the tightening of Jaejoong's mouth just as he swings forward, turning his head to keep it in sight. He stops it again when he rocks back, watching for further changes in Jaejoong's expression. Jaejoong doesn't move or push himself, just sits there with his feet planted firmly on the ground, arms curled around the chains and his hands shoved into his pockets. Changmin knows he's tolerating the company, but the guarded look in his eyes says that Jaejoong won't entertain him.

Changmin is torn between wanting to stay and knowing he should leave. He feels sort of useless just sitting there, probably more of a bother than any sort of comfort. The best idea would be to go and leave Jaejoong to his peace, but for the life of him, Changmin can't move he doesn't really want to. Still, if he can't bring himself to leave, he can't just do nothing either. Changmin wants to touch, to clap a reassuring hand onto Jaejoong's shoulder but doesn't know how to do it without being terribly awkward. He'd say something, but mixing words with people never really goes well for him. There's a certain kind of funny in the way he can only connect with Jaejoong through mild violence and verbal abuse.

"What's so funny?" Changmin startles, jolting out of his inner turmoil to be pinned by Jaejoong's stare. It's questioning, slightly offended, and maybe even a little amused. "You could at least share the joke. That way, I don't think you're some crazed lunatic when you start smiling by yourself for no apparent reason."

"No, um-it's..." Changmin scrambles for something to say. "It's not really that funny. I was just... thinking."

"Haven't we already established that thinking doesn't do you any good?" Jaejoong's teasing now, Changmin thinks, because the words aren't as serious as the tone they're delivered in. But that's not much better if it's just another way for Jaejoong to avoid what's bothering him. Changmin hopes they're friends enough to have the right to be concerned.

He decides to go for straightforward because playing coy doesn't seem to work either. Besides, straightforward is something Jaejoong would appreciate. "I was just thinking about how we need to abuse each other in order to communicate."

"And that makes you laugh?"

"Well, no, actually, it's kind of sad," Changmin clarifies, nervous energy propelling him out of his swing to stand and toe the dirt beneath their feet. "Like, right now: I want to ask you why your face looks like it's dying-no, I'm not trying to be deliberately insulting, but-" Changmin locks his hands behind his head, exhaling in a whoosh and giving Jaejoong the full weight of his stare. "I don't even know how to start without sounding like a complete idiot. Never mind trying to touch you-you look like you could really use a hug, by the way-I might just end up putting you in some awkward headlock."

The wind rattles the chains on Changmin's abandoned swing. The lone sound is somehow more eerie than the silence after Changmin's spiel, so he extends a hand to hold it still. "I don't think you sound like an idiot," Jaejoong says, the words loud in the relative quiet around them. "Not completely anyway. A little unbalanced, maybe, but not... not completely idiotic."

"Oh. Okay." Jaejoong's back to teasing again, he thinks. "Well, in that case... Why do you look like you want to jump of the jungle gym?"

The older boy arches a brow at him. "Why do you care?"

"For one thing, it's not high enough for suicide. You'd probably get away with a few scratches at most, but since you're clumsy, a broken bone at worst. Neither of those have long lasting effect, so it'd just be a really sad attempt. And..." Changmin shrugs, hoping his face doesn't look as warm as it feels. "I just care, I guess."

Squinting against the scarce light, Jaejoong scrutinizes Changmin for a long, uncomfortable beat. "You care?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I do," Changmin answers, a little defensive. "We're friends-I'm allowed to care."

"Friends. Huh." There's enough light for Changmin to see a corner of Jaejoong's mouth lift, though he can't exactly call it a smile. "I've already got a lot of those Changmin, and they all ëcare'. What makes you any different?"

"I-" Changmin stops because he doesn't know what should come after that. It's a trick question, something like the calculus problems Jaejoong's always complaining about, except those have set formulas with predictable answers. Changmin has no idea where this is even going. He's afraid if he keeps going he'll end up saying something epic and won't be able to take it back. But he's more afraid of what will happen if he doesn't say anything at all. Already, Jaejoong is pulling away-not physically, though he does move to stand-and Changmin knows that even if he has nothing to do with what's bothering the older boy, things between them won't be the same anymore.

Changmin's chest constricts at the thought and suddenly he's scrambling for words. "I don't know. So, okay, maybe I'm not different. Maybe I'm just like every other ëfriend' you know, but..." he hesitates, not knowing if it'd be the right thing to say. "You've got the most tragic look on your face and I don't know what happened, why, or who made you look like that, just-I want to fix it." Changmin exhales noisily; he's actually saying this. "It... hurts to see you like this."

For a long moment nothing but a thick silence permeated the air as Changmin's words sink like a heavy weight between them. Then Jaejoong says, "Do you have any idea what you're implying, Changmin?"

"Maybe. Probably. I think so. I mean-" Changmin moves forward, yielding to his urge for Jaejoong's proximity. He's already come this far, he might as well go all the away. "It's stupid, I know, and I can't explain it either. I already know how Yunho feels about me, and I feel the same way, but then there's you and... I can't seem to get you out of my head."

Jaejoong has to raise his chin to meet Changmin's gaze, but the difference in height doesn't faze him at all. His dark, unwavering eyes are unsettling at this angle and under this light; Changmin has to wonder if maybe he shouldn't have pushed. Something shifts in Jaejoong's gaze, a flash of something reckless that leaves Changmin only a second for regret. "You said it first. Not me."

The words come out in a whisper that Changmin feels rather than hears; they're breathed against his mouth, Jaejoong leaning forward for their lips to touch.

It's nothing explosive. Which, Changmin thinks for the brief second Jaejoong's mouth lingers, is pretty anti-climactic. He's obsessed about the other boy for weeks, months almost, even guiltily jerked off to Jaejoong's face once or twice in the shower. He'd thought that after expending considerable mental time and space on Jaejoong, the first kiss would be a little more... something. It isn't.

Oh, his heart's picked up its pace and he isn't breathing quite right, but save for the small tingle when Jaejoong pulls away, there isn't much else. "It's different, isn't it?" Jaejoong murmurs, their breath mingling. Changmin's head jerks in a semblance of a nod. His stomach isn't flipping like it does when Yunho kisses him, and he can still hear himself think over the loud beating of his heart. Actually, that he's still able to think is enough of an indication. "It's because you don't love me."

He moves away completely, stepping back to run a hand through his hair and pull on the hood of his jacket. The swings creak eerily as a passing wind knocks their chains, the sound adding to the lonely aura of Jaejoong's retreating back. "What, are you just going to stand there?" Jaejoong asks a still motionless Changmin. "I'm sure someone, somewhere is looking for you, you know."

He doesn't know how else to respond so Changmin follows, a couple dozen thoughts speeding through his head. Surely it can't just end like this? "Hurry it up, will you?" Jaejoong calls out. "Before something clichÈ happens like it starts to rain or whatever. That shit always irritates me."

Changmin complies, eating up the space between them in two quick strides. Jaejoong's brushing this off, acting like nothing's happened, but Changmin isn't the type to let things go without a more definite answer. He leans in before Jaejoong can react, needing to be sure this time, or else he'll be wondering forever.

This time, Changmin tries for something more than just the press of unfamiliar lips against his; he slants his mouth for a proper kiss and it's not like Jaejoong is pushing him away. In reality he's pulling him closer: there's the far away sound of chains rattling, the rustle of clothes as he grips Jaejoong by the collar, holding him there, even if for just a moment.

This time, they get it right.

His heart kicks into overdrive and his stomach dives, noises fade and it's hard to hear himself think. It's a scene right out of his wet dreams, dreams he should have felt guilty about because they had a balance, something that worked and now he's chucking that out for a second feel of Jaejoong's mouth. The recklessness of it all makes Changmin kiss him harder. When their tongues touch, Changmin wonders if Jaejoong can feel the shudder that spirals down his spine.

"I don't love you. I'm not talking about love," Changmin says when they break to breathe. The words sound muted, the blood rushing fast and loud in his ears. "But that-I've wanted to do that for a while now."

Changmin wonders if he gets his point across.

V.

The first time doesn't count because the second has even Jaejoong catching his breath. He should feel bad for pulling Changmin closer but Changmin is warm and increasingly eager; under the cover of twilight, Jaejoong isn't one to turn away someone willing more than once-no matter who it is. So Jaejoong takes what he wants, kissing Changmin back without a care.

(He's become so familiar with rejection these days that Jaejoong forgets that desire and awareness can be double edged swords. That he doesn't have to be the only one whose heart races, breath hitched, cheeks flushed. Like Changmin's when he kisses Jaejoong, a hand winding behind Jaejoong's neck and a fist curled into the collar of his shirt. Jaejoong stills rather than reacts because this is something he's struggled not to imagine. Changmin isn't breathing, eyes shut tight, and that's not Jaejoong's heart threatening to pound out of his chest. )

Changmin's a little devastated when Jaejoong breaks away, smiling a little, but even in the darkness Changmin can tell it doesn't reach his eyes. There's much affection in the way Jaejoong leans close, pecking his lips and whispering, "Stupid, stupid Changmin," against his mouth. Changmin doesn't understand, his mind a little slow, still caught up in the taste of Jaejoong lingering on his tongue. He should have seen it coming but doesn't, the way Jaejoong claps him on the shoulder and waves goodbye, walking away just like that, like nothing happened.

(The walk home is predictably desolate. He'd stayed out longer than he should have, mind reeling and wanting to blame it on Jaejoong but he knows it's really his fault. Changmin lets himself into his house quietly, mindful of his parents and younger sisters asleep in their own beds. He goes through the motions mechanically-undressing, washing up, brushing his teeth-before slipping beneath his covers though he has no hope of falling asleep.

Changmin wonders how Yunho will take it.)

Yunho isn't surprised to find out what happened. He displays the right amount of righteous indignation and jealousy perfectly, though truthfully he's just angry for the sake of being angry and because he's expected to be. It's a half-hearted attempt more than anything. He can't be that mad when it was all a matter of who did it first. He's not even guilty for thinking about doing the exact same thing.

("You owe me." His voice is an almost growl, Changmin mewling softly as Yunho cups him through his jeans. "Kissing him. Letting him kiss you." He uses force to suck Changmin's tongue into his mouth, even if he doesn't need to, and tries to convince himself it's to make sure there's no trace of Jaejoong left. He ignores the little voice in his head-all sly and seductive-whispering about how he's just trying to find out what Jaejoong tastes like.)

VI.

"No, no, no, you idiot! This X, this X! Do you not see the X?! You walk here, stand, count to three while everyone takes a picture, then walk down! Is that hard to understand?!"

Yunho winces as Heechul continues to screech at his latest victim. He understands the older boy's ire, what with graduation just around the corner and still so many things yet to be done. This is the first in a series of grad rehearsals and all Yunho can do is to resign himself to a dozen more repeats of this same scene. Of course he couldn't just let Heechul verbally abuse everyone who made a mistake, but at the same time he isn't eager to throw himself into the line of fire. That kind of danger is better left to the professionals.

"Siwon," Yunho calls out to the boy handling varying lengths of streamers in the school colors. "If you could just..." he looks pointedly across the room to where Heechul has moved on to yet another victim.

Siwon's face breaks out into a wide grin-why, though, Yunho has no idea-and says, "I'm on it." Abandoning his task for the moment, Siwon makes his way towards the stage Heechul is currently commandeering. "Chullie, maybe if you said it real slow and didn't yell, he'd be able to understand you."

"Don't tell me you're actually siding with China Man! After all the blo-"

Satisfied that Heechul's fit of temper would be properly dealt with, Yunho is only too happy to tune out the rest of his words. He can live without knowing what comes after. Yunho sighs inwardly, prepared to go back to his list of responsibilities and check a few things off but before he can, something else catches his eye. Jaejoong stands not too far away, nearly lost in the tall piles of programs stacked onto the table he mans. A quick glance says he's watching Siwon, Heechul, and Hankyung-the Chinese exchange student-with suppressed amusement.

As if aware of his scrutiny, Jaejoong looks his way and their eyes catch. He grins and rolls his eyes at the scene unfolding before them and Yunho returns it with a smile of his own. It's a tad strained.

He's followed Jaejoong's lead, ignoring the proverbial elephant in the room, and choosing to avoid the issue completely. Changmin had been ready to protest, but was only too aware of his faults and didn't press the matter. It's resulted in an impasse, a truce of sorts, and it's allowed them to come this far without wanting to beat the shit out of each other at every turn. Yunho can ignore anything blatantly inappropriate coming out of Jaejoong's mouth. Jaejoong can pretend not to notice when Yunho stares a little too hard for a little too long. Changmin tries his best to let things lie.

Yunho resents the precarious balance they've found. Sure it works and it'll probably keep working so long as none of them push the issue, but Yunho doesn't want to keep wondering either. They're undefined, neither here nor there, and ëfriendship' is a thin faÁade. The possibilities go against the grain and picks at Yunho's conceptions of rights and wrong, but that doesn't stop him from wanting them. He's happy with his skewered concepts because he's got Changmin and has yet to regret it. Now Jaejoong's just out of reach and while everything about him screams trouble, Yunho figures he'll never know until he finds out.

"Done?" he asks as he gives in to his recently acquired gravitational predisposition to invade Jaejoong's personal space. He's noticed the same thing happens to him when Changmin is in the room. It's like the both of them are magnetic, pulling at Yunho until he can't keep away.

"Mostly," Jaejoong points to a small stack of programs to his right. "These are for the staff and special guests. They need names written on them, but my handwriting is shit so I'm waiting for the printouts."

"Good, good," Yunho murmurs, making a mark on his list. He watches Jaejoong furtively under the guise of picking up a program and running fingertips over the embossed school logo at the top. Jaejoong eyes him with the same regard, though openly-challenging-and it becomes a competition: who could stand the silence longer?

Yunho startles when another one of Heechul's loud obscenities rings through the air. "Right. I should go deal with that." Jaejoong nods in what almost looks like sympathy and Yunho forces himself to go. He's not exactly excited at the prospect of facing off with an irate Heechul.

To everyone's surprise, however, Heechul is dealt with swiftly with the help of Yunho's rarely employed charm. Like Changmin, Yunho isn't much used to being the center of attention, but unlike him, Yunho manages well when he is. He's good at leading people when he has to.

As the afternoon progresses, Yunho takes his turn on the stage, walking in all the right directions and standing at all the designated X's. It makes Heechul coo at him, the older boy exasperatedly declaring, "At least someone knows how to follow directions." No matter how embarrassing, Yunho would rather be cooed at rather than be the subject of Heechul's rage.

After his stint on the stage, Yunho goes back to his list. He discusses some minor details with their two senior class advisors, gives his opinion on balloon arches, argues over which photographer they should hire, and is almost roped into a near death experience when he contradicts Heechul's desire to dye his hair Fire Engine Red for the occasion. Thankfully, one of the advisors calls for a break before Heechul could exact revenge, and Yunho escapes into the nearly deserted hallway while everyone else busies themselves with snacks and fruit punch.

He heads for a vending machine near the exit, walking slow and rolling his shoulders to relieve some of the tension. While Yunho concedes that he flourishes when put under the spotlight, it's easy to remember why he shies away from it. It's too much work, too much responsibility, and while Yunho doesn't mind the extra load once in a while, he's a little too selfish to want it all the time. It's already become a point of concern for his parents, with his father talking about family and tradition, urging him to pursue law but the words fall on deaf ears. Yunho doesn't even know what he wants. He's already decided to go in undeclared.

As he nears the vending machine Yunho pauses in his stride, not surprised that someone's already there though he is surprised at who it is.

"Stalker." Jaejoong says, lips curved into a grin when he catches sight of Yunho.

"Isn't it the other way around?" Yunho answers as they stand together at the front of the machine to wait his turn. Jaejoong's still deciding. "You don't like fruit punch?"

Jaejoong makes a face, his features highlighted by the glow of the machine. "It's powdered generic stuff. I figure I'm better off with something in a bottle." He shifts, looking somewhere behind Yunho. "What about you? What are you doing here?"

"Pretty much the same reason you are," Yunho says, mouth twitching, "Why else would anyone come to a vending machine?"

"And here I thought you were after my awesome company," Jaejoong replies dryly, pausing in his decision between Out-red-geous Orange and What-a-melon Snapple to arch an amused brow in Yunho's direction. "Seriously though. You're like, Heechul's new favorite person. I'm surprised he let you get away."

"Um. I don't think I am anymore." Yunho recounts his unfortunate decision to oppose Heechul's transition to a redhead.

"Definitely a bad idea. You should have just humored him." Jaejoong agrees, watching Yunho slip coins into the machine. The attention makes Yunho a little nervous and he misses the slot. The coin bounces onto the floor-it's loud in the empty hallway-and rolls. Yunho tries to get it with his foot, stomping the ground the ground to no avail. The coin proves elusive, rolling under the machine before Yunho can get at it.

"Huh. Well, that sucks." He mutters under his breath, a little embarrassed at his fail. He casts a sidelong glance at Jaejoong and is surprised to find the other boy holding out a hand.

"Here. You look like you need it." Another coin sits in Jaejoong's palm, offered with a grin.

"Thanks." Yunho mumbles sheepishly, accepting the proffered coin. He likes it too much, the way Jaejoong's skin is smooth where his fingertips briefly touch. Yunho makes quick work of the last coin and pushing the button for his chosen beverage, mouth suddenly dry. He gestures to the exit and Jaejoong follows, a stilted silence between them.

Yunho settles onto a bench just outside the door which Jaejoong forgoes, choosing instead to lean against the open door. The sun's already begun to set and Yunho shivers at the onset of twilight. "You sure no one's going to come looking for you?" Jaejoong asks, twirling his bottle by the neck and watching the insides spin. He looks anywhere but at Yunho. "I'd hate to be Heechul's next victim."

"I think you'll be safe for a while longer. Last I saw, he was harassing Hankyung again." Yunho frowns. "I hope he doesn't go overboard."

Jaejoong snorts. "Don't worry about it," he says, occupying the space next to Yunho. "Abuse is Heechul's way of showing affection. You should be more worried if he were being nice to you."

Yunho doesn't even pretend to understand that. "Right. Okay." He glances at Jaejoong beside him, then away, glancing again, only to do the same thing. "Hm."

"You're usually better at being subtle, Yunho-yah." Jaejoong chuckles humorlessly. "You've got something to say to me or what? It's about Changmin, right?" he adds when Yunho takes a second too long to answer. "Lay it on me. Go ahead. I've been waiting for it. I'll even let you hit me once, because I deserve it."

"I'm not going to hit you," Yunho says, turning to face the other boy. "Even if you're eager, I have no urge to rearrange your face. You're probably only offering because you think it'll make me feel better. It won't."

"Then what do you want us to do? Because this dancing around each other thing is getting old." Jaejoong huffs, obviously annoyed. "I've never had so many awkward moments with one person in my life. And I've done a lot of dumb shit."

"Trust me, the feeling's mutual." Yunho runs a hand through his hair, tapping the base of his bottle against his knee in a nervous tic. This talk with Jaejoong is long overdue and Yunho struggles for a way to start. "Look, I'm dense, okay. But I'm not ignorant. I've seen the way you and Changmin look at each other." He shoots Jaejoong with a hard look, daring him to deny it. "I admit to being pissed when Changmin told me. Who wouldn't be? We're friends and you knew about us; it happened anyway."

"I already-"

"Wait. Just shut up for a second, okay? Let me finish." Yunho twists the cap off his drink to busy his hands and finishes the rest of its contents in one swig. "I'm not stupid," He continues a little quieter, focusing his attention at a point somewhere in the distance. "Me and Changmin? What we've got is a first-love kind of thing and those never last. I mean-forever? What is that anyway? That's not even in my vocabulary."

Yunho sighs, curling his hands against his thigh, the sound of plastic crinkling in one. "What I'm trying to say is, what Changmin and I have is good-for now. And I'm not about to ruin the time we do have all because you two couldn't keep your hands off each other."

"That's awfully nice of you." Jaejoong says after an uncomfortable stretch of time. Yunho doesn't miss the underlying sarcasm.

"I'd prefer to think of it as practical. I can understand why he did it." He slides Jaejoong a glance and almost smiles at the genuine look of surprise on his face. "It's not like your ugly, Jaejoong." When Jaejoong just continues to stare at him, Yunho lets a grin slip and stands. "So, there. We should be okay now. If you still want me to hit you though, I can do that too."

"Thanks, but no," Jaejoong finally answers, rising from his seat. "I'd rather not be black and blue for the graduation photos."

Yunho shrugs. "Hey, you offered." He shifts uncomfortably on his feet for a moment. "Now that we've got that settled, would you mind doing me a favor?" Jaejoong hesitates, eyes narrowing before he nods. "About the forever thing..." Yunho stalls, face heating up. "Could you keep that to yourself? Because that's how I feel, but Changmin-he's young. I know he secretly dreams of a two-story house with a lawn, white picket fence, a dog and 2.5 kids. I don't know how he expects to accomplish that with me but-"

"I get it," Jaejoong interrupts, "You're secret's safe with me."

"Thanks," Yunho mumbles, ducking his head when their eyes meet. He and Jaejoong are actually a lot alike. Their intentions are similar, though they manifest themselves in different ways. It's what makes their decidedly awkward situation so much easier. "We should probably..."

"Good idea," Jaejoong agrees, following Yunho's lead and heading for the door. "Let's see if Heechul's harassed Hankyung enough to get a reaction out of Siwon. I bet on Siwon though. He's got a way with his eyebrows that just makes you think of the darnedest things."

"What?"

"Nothing," Jaejoong replies, a smile playing on his lips. "Sorry. It's an inside joke." Yunho just nods, pausing at the door to throw his empty bottle into a trashcan. He doesn't really want to know.

The walk back to the event hall is spent in a more comfortable silence than they've been experiencing lately, and Yunho is glad. He's had a taste of what it's like to be on friendly terms with Jaejoong, and finds that he likes it. Even if his thoughts always seem to gravitate towards something more than that, he won't push. He doesn't think he's ready for that anyway.

"One more thing," Yunho says as they near their destination. Light from their designated room cuts through the dimmer lights of the corridor. The added illumination makes Yunho want to hide his face, not quite sure about his next words. "I'm getting an apartment after graduation."

"And?" Jaejoong shoots him a curious glance.

"You got into the university too, right?" Yunho asks, looking for confirmation. Jaejoong nods. "I'm going to need a roommate."

Jaejoong looks at him sharply, eyes nearly bugging out. "Are you seriously implying that you want me to live with you?" Jaejoong says, incredulity lacing his tone.

Yunho shrugs, fighting to keep the grin off his face. Jaejoong's expression is nearly comical. "Getting a roommate makes the rent cheaper."

"No, I get that. But why are you telling me?"

"Better you than a stranger, right?" It's so simple, said like that-so easy-like it makes so much sense and in normal circumstances it would, except theirs isn't.

Yunho knows the exact moment Jaejoong starts to see things his way. His face shifts into something unreadable, until it's nearly devoid of any expression. Once, Yunho thought that was a bad thing but he knows Jaejoong a little better these days and can tell it's not an idea Jaejoong dislikes. Quite the contrary, actually.

"I'll think about it," Jaejoong speaks quietly, voice without inflection.

Yunho smiles because it's a generic reply and doesn't really amount to anything. It's different from Jaejoong's usually heavily-laden implications and Yunho knows it isn't often that he's without a caustic remark. It's a start at least, since he, Changmin, and Jaejoong get along surprisingly well. But they walk a thin line, one that Jaejoong and Changmin have already crossed, and it's made friendship between the three of them nothing more than a hoax. Somehow, Yunho is fine with that.

He can't say much about forever, but right here, right now, they work. Being friends is easy. Yunho figures being more than that is something he can deal with later.