Long time...
I know I haven't updated in awhile.... I have been so busy with school but finals are over now and I scored a 3.5! Sweet!
My birthday was on Sunday. I turned 20!! It was so amazing!
Lets just say I couldn't ask for better friends!!!
I got a surprise party after Josh had taken me out earlier to eat and bought my a cute Tiffany's necklace!!
All of my New Orleans friends invited all my friends from back home it was such a blast. They hide them and everything!
We all went out saturday and at midnight the surprises began.
We were walking on bourbon and passed the royal senesta hotel and it was timed when my friend came walking out the lobby. So much drunkeness lol
Worked out today for the first time in a long while. God it felt good. I plan to start doing it regularly again this summer!
Josh and I have been doing great! I love having such a wonderful boyfriend. I don't know what I did to deserve to him but I am so glad I have him!
I think I've realized in the past I had a fear.... a fear of commitment. The past few guys I've liked and chosen to date (or attempt to) I knew nothing would last. They were safe because as much as I've pretended to want a boyfriend over the past few years I've also run from almost every opportunity to have one who 1) would treat me well 2) would respect me in the morning 3) I'd actually like back.
I have liked (such an overused word) many guys over these past years. I have hooked up with some, been too shy to talk to a few, and become really good friends with a number.
I've started to feel that my brain has stopped functioning like a (stereotypical) girl's. It was easier to function on guy terms... to not care... to not form any emotional attachments... to let all things slide... to find what used to offend me funny and what used to gross me out interesting... to play the game whether I knew/cared about the rules or not.
I'm not sure if this is something I "could" in a round-a-bout manner blame on *asshole* and his psychological mind games, or if it's something I had done to myself. I know I was somewhat like this (the anything goes friendly non-emotional type) before I dated *him* ... Because if I branched out I may have gotten hurt. Because I had gotten used to being used. Because I had used some people myself. Because if I decided to try I'd have to be willing to fail, be willing to put forth effort, be willing to perhaps be unhappy at times.... but even more to perhaps like being with someone. Was I this afraid of being a part of something again? Was it that something--- a relationship--- that scared me?
Was it the fear of possibly hurting someone else? Lord knows I did a number on some guys, but that situation battered the both of us (I would think about equally). Also I was always afraid that once I started something with someone they may decide they don't like me that much... find me more flawed than they first thought... find me less than desirable.
My friends have a tendency (as I guess most people do toward their friends and loved ones) to hold me up on this pedestal, to tell me what's good about me all the time... and yeah, I'm sure I do the same to them. I think once they've done this to me though, once I've been places at this high position, I feel the only way I can go is down. I will fall. I will disappoint. The thing is, on a friends level I have no fear of this.... friends accept you and tell you what you need to hear, I was afraid of this in a guy. I was afraid of a boyfriend... someone who means something on a deeper emotional level to me would find these faults and walk away back to where they came from. Blah...
OR maybe ... these were the reasons I had come up with to hold on to this psuedo-freedom that I had associated with being single... with being able to seduce and hookup with any guy that I wanted and who wanted me back (at least for the night)...with being able to not answer to anyone and not have to feel compelled to hang out with or care about anyone.
The last thing I said sounds horrible. I'm not saying that those of you who read this... those of you who are my close friends aren't important or that I don't care about you. I definitely do (guys and girls). I just felt that at the time I found the other type of caring so taxing...
Apathy and indecision are the easy answer, but what was harder to do, sometimes even harder to realize. most probably have the better payoff. ::shrugs:: I'm rambling once more and perhaps not even making sense at this point... so I'm going to shut up
My point was that I vowed not to have this mindset with Josh and it all worked out!
Well I'm off to catch up on friend entries & enjoy summer!
My birthday was on Sunday. I turned 20!! It was so amazing!
Lets just say I couldn't ask for better friends!!!
I got a surprise party after Josh had taken me out earlier to eat and bought my a cute Tiffany's necklace!!
All of my New Orleans friends invited all my friends from back home it was such a blast. They hide them and everything!
We all went out saturday and at midnight the surprises began.
We were walking on bourbon and passed the royal senesta hotel and it was timed when my friend came walking out the lobby. So much drunkeness lol
Worked out today for the first time in a long while. God it felt good. I plan to start doing it regularly again this summer!
Josh and I have been doing great! I love having such a wonderful boyfriend. I don't know what I did to deserve to him but I am so glad I have him!
I think I've realized in the past I had a fear.... a fear of commitment. The past few guys I've liked and chosen to date (or attempt to) I knew nothing would last. They were safe because as much as I've pretended to want a boyfriend over the past few years I've also run from almost every opportunity to have one who 1) would treat me well 2) would respect me in the morning 3) I'd actually like back.
I have liked (such an overused word) many guys over these past years. I have hooked up with some, been too shy to talk to a few, and become really good friends with a number.
I've started to feel that my brain has stopped functioning like a (stereotypical) girl's. It was easier to function on guy terms... to not care... to not form any emotional attachments... to let all things slide... to find what used to offend me funny and what used to gross me out interesting... to play the game whether I knew/cared about the rules or not.
I'm not sure if this is something I "could" in a round-a-bout manner blame on *asshole* and his psychological mind games, or if it's something I had done to myself. I know I was somewhat like this (the anything goes friendly non-emotional type) before I dated *him* ... Because if I branched out I may have gotten hurt. Because I had gotten used to being used. Because I had used some people myself. Because if I decided to try I'd have to be willing to fail, be willing to put forth effort, be willing to perhaps be unhappy at times.... but even more to perhaps like being with someone. Was I this afraid of being a part of something again? Was it that something--- a relationship--- that scared me?
Was it the fear of possibly hurting someone else? Lord knows I did a number on some guys, but that situation battered the both of us (I would think about equally). Also I was always afraid that once I started something with someone they may decide they don't like me that much... find me more flawed than they first thought... find me less than desirable.
My friends have a tendency (as I guess most people do toward their friends and loved ones) to hold me up on this pedestal, to tell me what's good about me all the time... and yeah, I'm sure I do the same to them. I think once they've done this to me though, once I've been places at this high position, I feel the only way I can go is down. I will fall. I will disappoint. The thing is, on a friends level I have no fear of this.... friends accept you and tell you what you need to hear, I was afraid of this in a guy. I was afraid of a boyfriend... someone who means something on a deeper emotional level to me would find these faults and walk away back to where they came from. Blah...
OR maybe ... these were the reasons I had come up with to hold on to this psuedo-freedom that I had associated with being single... with being able to seduce and hookup with any guy that I wanted and who wanted me back (at least for the night)...with being able to not answer to anyone and not have to feel compelled to hang out with or care about anyone.
The last thing I said sounds horrible. I'm not saying that those of you who read this... those of you who are my close friends aren't important or that I don't care about you. I definitely do (guys and girls). I just felt that at the time I found the other type of caring so taxing...
Apathy and indecision are the easy answer, but what was harder to do, sometimes even harder to realize. most probably have the better payoff. ::shrugs:: I'm rambling once more and perhaps not even making sense at this point... so I'm going to shut up
My point was that I vowed not to have this mindset with Josh and it all worked out!
Well I'm off to catch up on friend entries & enjoy summer!