Crack Fic: My Own Worst Enemy (Part One) (AU Marvel, Bobbi/Clint, Crystal/Pietro)
Title: (for this round anyway) My Own Worst Enemy (Part 1)
Author: dazzledfirestar and strawberispring
Character(s): Bobbi Morse, Crystal Amaquelin. Pietro Maximoff, Clint Barton (eventual cameos by Dr. Stephen Strange and Ronan the Accuser)
Rating: PG-13 (mostly due to some naughty words and adult situations)
Warnings: fluffy AU? That's a warning, right? Talk of oral sex, tongue tricks, and Pietro being a screamer
Disclaimer: I do not own anything recognizable here. Marvel does. I do not make any money from this.
Author Note: Okay, so here's the deal. strawberispring and I were discussing the canon sue effect and realized we both have one (though, we don't abuse them like some do ;) )LOL. This developed into the idea of Bobbi and Crystal sharing an apartment, having wacky adventures, and occasionally bailing their hapless boyfriends out of trouble. She wrote the first installment, which featured Ronan's stalker tendencies toward Crystal (because, come on, have you read Realm of Kings: Inhumans? Its creepy!), and the girls rescuing the boys from his evil clutches. Anyway, this is my first crack at it, resulting from several RP conversations and a total of 15 pages of dialogue. Yeah. I know. So, its basically Avengers: The Sitcom. It's total crack, but it's fun. Enjoy! :D
Crystal glanced up from her phone for half a second when her roommate came into the kitchen. “What’s wrong?” She clicked at the keys for a second longer, sending Ronan another text; this one related to how he owed her a trip to the White Castle; before looking up properly at Bobbi. “Jeez, you look like the test came back negative!”
“Yeah, I wish…” Bobbi slumped into her usual chair for a moment, fiddling with something in her hands.
Crystal stared, full out for a few minutes. “Wanna text something nasty and random to Ronan? That’s always fun.”
“Ask him if the next time he kidnaps the guys, he could get them fixed.” The words came out kind of muffled as Bobbi’s head dropped into her empty hands. Whatever she had been playing with was now sitting on the table between them.
Crystal gapped at her for a moment then turned her stare on the pregnancy test in front of her. “Oh, hell no…”
Bobbi nodded, but didn’t look up. “Yeah, that was my first reaction too.”
“Do you think…?” Crystal pulled a face when Bobbi looked up. “… Is he going to want to name it Clint Jr.?”
Bobbi snorted and spoke before she thought. “Over my dead and blotted body.”
“If it’s a girl can you name it Crystal?”
Bobbi bit back a thousand comments about how this possible child wasn’t even real in her head yet; how she was still kind of thinking she’d picked up a defective test; how having baby names thrown at her was so not helping. None of that came out though. “No.”
“Why not?” Crystal was pouting, ever so slightly.
Bobbi couldn’t resist the temptation to roll her eyes. “You want a kid named after you, have your own.”
“Its lame if I name my kid after me.” Crystal crossed her arms and looked as if that should have been blatantly obvious to her roommate. And maybe it should have been, under different circumstances. “I’d name a girl Barbara!”
Bobbi laughed. “No you wouldn’t. You’d end up so doped up on pain killers that you'd end up naming your kid something spacey and new agey… like Luna.”
“Ew.” Crystal got up, grabbing herself a drink from the fridge before taking her seat again. “Like I’d ever name my kid that!”
Bobby groaned and set her forehead back on the table. “At least it’s not Clint Jr.”
“That’s true.” Crystal stared into her Fanta for a moment. “But at least Clint Jr. rolls off the tongue. Imagine if I had to name my kid Pietro Jr.”
“Right… you win.” Bobbi picked the offensive piece of plastic up and stared at it again. Who knew a tiny little plus sign could be so terribly off putting?
Crystal chewed absently at the lip of her cup. “I could name him after his dad, too. Like Erik. Or Max. Gee, Max Maximoff. That kid won't get beaten up.”
“Crys?”
“Mmmhmm?”
“You're putting way too much thought into this given that I'm the one with the test stick in my hand.” Bobbi waved the test vaguely in her roommate’s direction.
Crystal blushed for a moment. “Oh, right. Sorry. Continue.”
“I’m going to the drug store.” Bobbi pushed herself away from the table and tossed the test into the trash under the sink. “I have to find a test that will come out negative.”
“You know, those tests could say negative when it's positive but they aren't going to say you're pregnant when you're not.” Crystal nearly ducked under the table when Bobbi turned and glared at her. “Just saying!”
“Thank you for the support.”
“Anytime.”
Bobbi fell back against the door jam and sighed. “Come with me?”
Crystal stood, gulping back the rest of her drink before picking up her phone and heading toward Bobbi. “Alright.”
They were several blocks from their building before either of them said anything. Crystal was letting her brain scramble for something that might make Bobbi feel better, but she was coming up woefully short. “Can I punch Clint when the guys show up?”
The beginnings of a smile tried to creep over Bobbi’s face. “Only if you don’t tell him why.”
Crystal smiled and bumped her hip against her friends. “Okay, deal.” She hummed softly for a moment. “Can I tell Pietro?”
“No.”
“Okay. I won’t.”
Bobbi turned and stared at Crystal for a moment before a long suffering sigh left her lips. “You’re going to tell both of them, aren’t you?”
Crystal frowned and nearly pouted. “Not on purpose. Can I at least tell Wanda?”
“Only if she promises not to hex me.” Bobbi almost flinched.
“Why would she do that?”
“I don’t know. I guess I expect everyone to be as happy about this as I am.” Bobbi viciously kicked a pebble at her feet.
“Hey!” Crystal’s tone this time carried something vaguely sinister. “Can I tell Ronan?”
Bobbi stared at her for a moment before she shrugged. “Okay. It’s not like anyone would believe him anyway.”
“Cool.” Crystal’s grin got wider as she pulled out her phone, speaking as she typed. “’Ronan. Bobbi’s pregnant. It’s your fault.”
Bobbi stopped in her tracks and gaped at her friend. “Wait…” She held up one hand and pinched the bridge of her nose with the other. “What??”
Crystal sighed as if everything should have been perfectly clear. Apparently, stress or this possibly not even real baby was making Bobbi a little slow on the up take. “Not that way!” Crystal rolled her eyes. “I mean, I bet the sex after we saved them is what knocked you up. So it's his fault.”
She pushed the door to the tiny mom and pop drugstore that graced their neighborhood as she absently started counting days in her head. “Yeah, okay. That might actually fit…” There was a little old lady behind the counter who, Bobbi was sure, was going to judge the hell out of her when she made her purchase. She’s avoided this the first time by stopping at a large, chain store on her way home from the mansion. She was sure her cheeks had caught fire as they made their way to the middle of the store. Crys caught up to her, shopping basket in hand, a moment later.
“Plus,” Crystal continued as she picked up a box of cookies at the end of the isle. “It's fun to blame him for things. Pietro and I spent two hours one day blaming global warming on him.”
Bobbi raised an eyebrow. “Some great big Kree experiment gone wrong, I take it?”
Crystal shrugged. “No, we just kept going ‘It’s all your fault!’ over and over. I don’t actually recall giving a reason.”
“Even better.” Bobbi found herself face to face with several shelves packed with several different brands of pregnancy tests; most of the names didn’t ring a bell at all. “Ugh. We should have just gone to the Walgreens…”
“Do you want some candy with your pregnancy tests?” Crystal rested a hand on Bobbi’s shoulder as the blonde dropped one of each test into the basket.
“I don’t know. What goes with peeing on a stick?”
“Umm…” Crystal thought about it for a moment. “Reeses?”
A wicked grin crossed Bobbi’s face. She couldn’t help herself. “Mr. Big?”
“Oh, bad joke!” Crystal groaned and rolled her eyes. “Kit Kat?”
Bobbi shook her head. “With all the stressing out, I think I’ve earned a little more than chocolate covered wafers.”
Crystal sighed. “Listen, this was just a segue in me buying candy so just pick something so I can grab some Twizzlers.”
“Oooh… Twizzlers. That sounds good.”
“Are those cravings?” Crystal smirked at her for a moment before Bobbi pulled back to smack her. “Ow! Hey! No hitting!”
Bobbi dumped the basket on the counter in front of the little old lady and got the exact look from the woman she was expecting; judgement, horror and just a smattering of pity. “Shut up, Crys.” She paid and hurried from the store. “Let’s just go home.”
“Pregnancy tests and candy! It’s like a horrifying slumber party!”
Bobbi stopped in her tracks, letting the door to the drug store hit her hip before she moved forward again. “Honestly, if this makes you think of a slumber party, there's something really skewed about your perception of things.”
Crystal stared back at her for a moment, obviously ready this time to defend her statement. “Well I was thinking that usually when girls have slumber parties, there's candy involved. And if pregnancy tests are added in, it's horrifying. Ergo, horrifying slumber party.”
Bobbi shook her head an started off toward the apartment again. “Great. We’ll pick up a couple of scary movies and call the guys over for a panty raid.”
“Don’t mock.” Crystal crossed her arms and caught up to her roommate. “Besides, it's not like I know what slumber parties in Attilan are like anyway. I never had any friends outside my family growing up and the only guest we ever had was Pietro...and there wasn't much slumbering being done.”
“And we’ve officially entered the to much information part of this conversation.”
Crystal stuck her tongue out and laughed. “I could have been far more explicit, so hush.”
Bobbi couldn’t help echoing Crystal’s laugh. “Yeah, I know. We share a wall.” She swung the bag in her hand for a moment. “By the way, I'm buying him a gag for his birthday.”
“Those walls are really thin!”
“I know. I’d worry you’d hear…” she blushed a little more than she thought was really necessary. “Never mind. You wouldn’t be able to hear anything over Pietro anyway.”
Crystal’s eyes went wide and her grin got just a touch more devilish. “What? What does Clint do?”
“Nothing!” Bobbi blushed before some instinct led her to set her hand on her stomach. “Well, obviously not nothing… but… never mind.”
“Tell me!” Crystal just barely stopped herself from waggling her eyebrows. “Tell me!”
A long suffering sigh left Bobbi’s lips. She was sure she wasn’t getting out of this now. “Its… it’s not even that interesting unless he’s doing it… and if he’s doing it to you, I’ll kill him.”
“Well now I really want to know!” Crystal laughed. “And no, he isn’t.”
“Good.” Bobbi shook the bag at her. “Can we discuss this when I’m not carrying a bag full of pregnancy tests and Twizzlers?”
“No, we’re discussing this now.” There was a certainty in the Inhuman’s voice that Bobbi was sure she’d learned in the Attilan courts. That kind of tone only came when you were completely used to people doing what you told them to. Damn nosy princess…
“Well…” Bobbi glanced around to make sure no one was near enough to the pair to catch the nature of the conversation. “He does this… thing… with his tongue.” Her cheeks had caught fire. She was sure of it.
“Is that all? So does Pietro.” Crystal shrugged. “What’s he do exactly?”
“Why are you so interested in this?” Bobbi was sure the lack of thick sound proof walls in their apartment should have given both women enough information on their sex lives that they’d never have to have a conversation like this.
“Because you’re being so cagey about it!”
“Can we just say it’s a lovely trick and move on?”
“No, not really.”
“Fine.” Bobbi dug through her purse in search of a way out of the conversation and her keys. “Ask him when he shows up.”
“You suck.” Crystal stuck her tongue out again before a mischievous grin crossed her face. “Hey, when I ask him about his trick, maybe I'll, you know, tell him about something else.”
Bobbi froze. “Can…” she nearly gulped, “Can we just actually find out if there’s anything worth telling him first before you make his head explode?”
“That might be fun.”
Bobbi couldn’t pull back the smirk. “Yeah… actually, it might be.” As she slid the key into the front door of their building a thought occurred to her. “Wait, what if they’re already here?”
Crystal thought for a moment, chewing on her bottom lip like it held the antidote. “Offer them the candy and then fake that you’ve got your period.”
“I hate that you had to put ‘fake’ in that sentence.” Bobbi grimaced.
“Maybe it’ll be there when you go to take the test.” Crystal shrugged and tried to sound supportive.
“Yeah, cross your fingers for me.” Their door was already unlocked when they reached it and Bobbi was sure she knew why. No doubt their boyfriends were already comfy on their couch and raiding their fridge. “Shit…” Well, she figured. Now or never… “Hey guys.”
Author: dazzledfirestar and strawberispring
Character(s): Bobbi Morse, Crystal Amaquelin. Pietro Maximoff, Clint Barton (eventual cameos by Dr. Stephen Strange and Ronan the Accuser)
Rating: PG-13 (mostly due to some naughty words and adult situations)
Warnings: fluffy AU? That's a warning, right? Talk of oral sex, tongue tricks, and Pietro being a screamer
Disclaimer: I do not own anything recognizable here. Marvel does. I do not make any money from this.
Author Note: Okay, so here's the deal. strawberispring and I were discussing the canon sue effect and realized we both have one (though, we don't abuse them like some do ;) )LOL. This developed into the idea of Bobbi and Crystal sharing an apartment, having wacky adventures, and occasionally bailing their hapless boyfriends out of trouble. She wrote the first installment, which featured Ronan's stalker tendencies toward Crystal (because, come on, have you read Realm of Kings: Inhumans? Its creepy!), and the girls rescuing the boys from his evil clutches. Anyway, this is my first crack at it, resulting from several RP conversations and a total of 15 pages of dialogue. Yeah. I know. So, its basically Avengers: The Sitcom. It's total crack, but it's fun. Enjoy! :D
Crystal glanced up from her phone for half a second when her roommate came into the kitchen. “What’s wrong?” She clicked at the keys for a second longer, sending Ronan another text; this one related to how he owed her a trip to the White Castle; before looking up properly at Bobbi. “Jeez, you look like the test came back negative!”
“Yeah, I wish…” Bobbi slumped into her usual chair for a moment, fiddling with something in her hands.
Crystal stared, full out for a few minutes. “Wanna text something nasty and random to Ronan? That’s always fun.”
“Ask him if the next time he kidnaps the guys, he could get them fixed.” The words came out kind of muffled as Bobbi’s head dropped into her empty hands. Whatever she had been playing with was now sitting on the table between them.
Crystal gapped at her for a moment then turned her stare on the pregnancy test in front of her. “Oh, hell no…”
Bobbi nodded, but didn’t look up. “Yeah, that was my first reaction too.”
“Do you think…?” Crystal pulled a face when Bobbi looked up. “… Is he going to want to name it Clint Jr.?”
Bobbi snorted and spoke before she thought. “Over my dead and blotted body.”
“If it’s a girl can you name it Crystal?”
Bobbi bit back a thousand comments about how this possible child wasn’t even real in her head yet; how she was still kind of thinking she’d picked up a defective test; how having baby names thrown at her was so not helping. None of that came out though. “No.”
“Why not?” Crystal was pouting, ever so slightly.
Bobbi couldn’t resist the temptation to roll her eyes. “You want a kid named after you, have your own.”
“Its lame if I name my kid after me.” Crystal crossed her arms and looked as if that should have been blatantly obvious to her roommate. And maybe it should have been, under different circumstances. “I’d name a girl Barbara!”
Bobbi laughed. “No you wouldn’t. You’d end up so doped up on pain killers that you'd end up naming your kid something spacey and new agey… like Luna.”
“Ew.” Crystal got up, grabbing herself a drink from the fridge before taking her seat again. “Like I’d ever name my kid that!”
Bobby groaned and set her forehead back on the table. “At least it’s not Clint Jr.”
“That’s true.” Crystal stared into her Fanta for a moment. “But at least Clint Jr. rolls off the tongue. Imagine if I had to name my kid Pietro Jr.”
“Right… you win.” Bobbi picked the offensive piece of plastic up and stared at it again. Who knew a tiny little plus sign could be so terribly off putting?
Crystal chewed absently at the lip of her cup. “I could name him after his dad, too. Like Erik. Or Max. Gee, Max Maximoff. That kid won't get beaten up.”
“Crys?”
“Mmmhmm?”
“You're putting way too much thought into this given that I'm the one with the test stick in my hand.” Bobbi waved the test vaguely in her roommate’s direction.
Crystal blushed for a moment. “Oh, right. Sorry. Continue.”
“I’m going to the drug store.” Bobbi pushed herself away from the table and tossed the test into the trash under the sink. “I have to find a test that will come out negative.”
“You know, those tests could say negative when it's positive but they aren't going to say you're pregnant when you're not.” Crystal nearly ducked under the table when Bobbi turned and glared at her. “Just saying!”
“Thank you for the support.”
“Anytime.”
Bobbi fell back against the door jam and sighed. “Come with me?”
Crystal stood, gulping back the rest of her drink before picking up her phone and heading toward Bobbi. “Alright.”
They were several blocks from their building before either of them said anything. Crystal was letting her brain scramble for something that might make Bobbi feel better, but she was coming up woefully short. “Can I punch Clint when the guys show up?”
The beginnings of a smile tried to creep over Bobbi’s face. “Only if you don’t tell him why.”
Crystal smiled and bumped her hip against her friends. “Okay, deal.” She hummed softly for a moment. “Can I tell Pietro?”
“No.”
“Okay. I won’t.”
Bobbi turned and stared at Crystal for a moment before a long suffering sigh left her lips. “You’re going to tell both of them, aren’t you?”
Crystal frowned and nearly pouted. “Not on purpose. Can I at least tell Wanda?”
“Only if she promises not to hex me.” Bobbi almost flinched.
“Why would she do that?”
“I don’t know. I guess I expect everyone to be as happy about this as I am.” Bobbi viciously kicked a pebble at her feet.
“Hey!” Crystal’s tone this time carried something vaguely sinister. “Can I tell Ronan?”
Bobbi stared at her for a moment before she shrugged. “Okay. It’s not like anyone would believe him anyway.”
“Cool.” Crystal’s grin got wider as she pulled out her phone, speaking as she typed. “’Ronan. Bobbi’s pregnant. It’s your fault.”
Bobbi stopped in her tracks and gaped at her friend. “Wait…” She held up one hand and pinched the bridge of her nose with the other. “What??”
Crystal sighed as if everything should have been perfectly clear. Apparently, stress or this possibly not even real baby was making Bobbi a little slow on the up take. “Not that way!” Crystal rolled her eyes. “I mean, I bet the sex after we saved them is what knocked you up. So it's his fault.”
She pushed the door to the tiny mom and pop drugstore that graced their neighborhood as she absently started counting days in her head. “Yeah, okay. That might actually fit…” There was a little old lady behind the counter who, Bobbi was sure, was going to judge the hell out of her when she made her purchase. She’s avoided this the first time by stopping at a large, chain store on her way home from the mansion. She was sure her cheeks had caught fire as they made their way to the middle of the store. Crys caught up to her, shopping basket in hand, a moment later.
“Plus,” Crystal continued as she picked up a box of cookies at the end of the isle. “It's fun to blame him for things. Pietro and I spent two hours one day blaming global warming on him.”
Bobbi raised an eyebrow. “Some great big Kree experiment gone wrong, I take it?”
Crystal shrugged. “No, we just kept going ‘It’s all your fault!’ over and over. I don’t actually recall giving a reason.”
“Even better.” Bobbi found herself face to face with several shelves packed with several different brands of pregnancy tests; most of the names didn’t ring a bell at all. “Ugh. We should have just gone to the Walgreens…”
“Do you want some candy with your pregnancy tests?” Crystal rested a hand on Bobbi’s shoulder as the blonde dropped one of each test into the basket.
“I don’t know. What goes with peeing on a stick?”
“Umm…” Crystal thought about it for a moment. “Reeses?”
A wicked grin crossed Bobbi’s face. She couldn’t help herself. “Mr. Big?”
“Oh, bad joke!” Crystal groaned and rolled her eyes. “Kit Kat?”
Bobbi shook her head. “With all the stressing out, I think I’ve earned a little more than chocolate covered wafers.”
Crystal sighed. “Listen, this was just a segue in me buying candy so just pick something so I can grab some Twizzlers.”
“Oooh… Twizzlers. That sounds good.”
“Are those cravings?” Crystal smirked at her for a moment before Bobbi pulled back to smack her. “Ow! Hey! No hitting!”
Bobbi dumped the basket on the counter in front of the little old lady and got the exact look from the woman she was expecting; judgement, horror and just a smattering of pity. “Shut up, Crys.” She paid and hurried from the store. “Let’s just go home.”
“Pregnancy tests and candy! It’s like a horrifying slumber party!”
Bobbi stopped in her tracks, letting the door to the drug store hit her hip before she moved forward again. “Honestly, if this makes you think of a slumber party, there's something really skewed about your perception of things.”
Crystal stared back at her for a moment, obviously ready this time to defend her statement. “Well I was thinking that usually when girls have slumber parties, there's candy involved. And if pregnancy tests are added in, it's horrifying. Ergo, horrifying slumber party.”
Bobbi shook her head an started off toward the apartment again. “Great. We’ll pick up a couple of scary movies and call the guys over for a panty raid.”
“Don’t mock.” Crystal crossed her arms and caught up to her roommate. “Besides, it's not like I know what slumber parties in Attilan are like anyway. I never had any friends outside my family growing up and the only guest we ever had was Pietro...and there wasn't much slumbering being done.”
“And we’ve officially entered the to much information part of this conversation.”
Crystal stuck her tongue out and laughed. “I could have been far more explicit, so hush.”
Bobbi couldn’t help echoing Crystal’s laugh. “Yeah, I know. We share a wall.” She swung the bag in her hand for a moment. “By the way, I'm buying him a gag for his birthday.”
“Those walls are really thin!”
“I know. I’d worry you’d hear…” she blushed a little more than she thought was really necessary. “Never mind. You wouldn’t be able to hear anything over Pietro anyway.”
Crystal’s eyes went wide and her grin got just a touch more devilish. “What? What does Clint do?”
“Nothing!” Bobbi blushed before some instinct led her to set her hand on her stomach. “Well, obviously not nothing… but… never mind.”
“Tell me!” Crystal just barely stopped herself from waggling her eyebrows. “Tell me!”
A long suffering sigh left Bobbi’s lips. She was sure she wasn’t getting out of this now. “Its… it’s not even that interesting unless he’s doing it… and if he’s doing it to you, I’ll kill him.”
“Well now I really want to know!” Crystal laughed. “And no, he isn’t.”
“Good.” Bobbi shook the bag at her. “Can we discuss this when I’m not carrying a bag full of pregnancy tests and Twizzlers?”
“No, we’re discussing this now.” There was a certainty in the Inhuman’s voice that Bobbi was sure she’d learned in the Attilan courts. That kind of tone only came when you were completely used to people doing what you told them to. Damn nosy princess…
“Well…” Bobbi glanced around to make sure no one was near enough to the pair to catch the nature of the conversation. “He does this… thing… with his tongue.” Her cheeks had caught fire. She was sure of it.
“Is that all? So does Pietro.” Crystal shrugged. “What’s he do exactly?”
“Why are you so interested in this?” Bobbi was sure the lack of thick sound proof walls in their apartment should have given both women enough information on their sex lives that they’d never have to have a conversation like this.
“Because you’re being so cagey about it!”
“Can we just say it’s a lovely trick and move on?”
“No, not really.”
“Fine.” Bobbi dug through her purse in search of a way out of the conversation and her keys. “Ask him when he shows up.”
“You suck.” Crystal stuck her tongue out again before a mischievous grin crossed her face. “Hey, when I ask him about his trick, maybe I'll, you know, tell him about something else.”
Bobbi froze. “Can…” she nearly gulped, “Can we just actually find out if there’s anything worth telling him first before you make his head explode?”
“That might be fun.”
Bobbi couldn’t pull back the smirk. “Yeah… actually, it might be.” As she slid the key into the front door of their building a thought occurred to her. “Wait, what if they’re already here?”
Crystal thought for a moment, chewing on her bottom lip like it held the antidote. “Offer them the candy and then fake that you’ve got your period.”
“I hate that you had to put ‘fake’ in that sentence.” Bobbi grimaced.
“Maybe it’ll be there when you go to take the test.” Crystal shrugged and tried to sound supportive.
“Yeah, cross your fingers for me.” Their door was already unlocked when they reached it and Bobbi was sure she knew why. No doubt their boyfriends were already comfy on their couch and raiding their fridge. “Shit…” Well, she figured. Now or never… “Hey guys.”