Fic: Difficult Kind
Title: Difficult Kind
Pairing: Oliver Wood/OFC
Warnings: M/F sexual situations, implied emotional and physical abuse
Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to the Harry Potter Universe. The recognizable characters and the world this is set in are the property of JK Rowling, her publishers and Warner Bros. Pictures. The song quoted in this fic, The Difficult Kind, is the property of Sheryl Crow. I make no money from this, it is strictly for entertainment purposes.
A/N: This is a companion piece to my fic Voices Carry and it’s probably a good idea to read that one first as this covers the same events from a different perspective. I swear this is it for my evil!Oliver fics. No more, I promise.
Summary: Even a good man has a dark side.
They say that hindsight is 20/20. Whoever they are… they’re right. I can’t believe what an idiot I was, and I can’t believe she put up with it as long as she did. I was never like that before… and it’s never been like that since, thank the gods. She used to compare it to the muggle play, Romeo and Juliet… I finally read it recently… and I’m glad it didn’t come to that. I think the comparison was her way of telling me just how out of control it all was, because she knew I couldn’t see straight when it came to us.
It all started in DADA in our fifth year. I wasn’t paying attention, as usual. Quirrell was babbling on about iguanas… at least I think it was iguanas. I was eyeballs deep in Beating the Bludgers: A Study of Defensive Strategies in Quidditch. The season hadn’t even started yet, and I was already obsessing. Yes, I’ll admit it now. I’d actually admitted it then too, at least to myself. So I closed the book and tried to pay attention. Unfortunately, Professor Quirrell wasn’t the best at keeping the class’ attention, so my eye wandered around the room until I found her. I’d have to be an idiot not to notice her. Finally, I’d found something, other than quidditch that caught my attention and held it. Damn shame she was a Slytherin. When she turned around, I couldn’t help myself. I winked at her. She was even prettier when she blushed.
Then Professor McGonagall showed up and I got… well, my brain spun right back into quidditch mode. I spent every class after that thinking up ways to train my new seeker. It wasn’t until after dinner that I remembered her. I couldn’t help myself… I went looking for her. And I found her in the library. I don’t know how long I watched her read, a few minutes maybe. I watched her bite her lip as she took notes. That was it. I’d hoped that I’d come up with something witty to say by the time I got to her. I hadn’t. So I took her arm and I kissed her. “What are you doing?” She finally pushed me away, but judging by her lack of a coherent argument, I figured the kiss had been alright.
“I just thought…” I had no idea what I thought actually. All I wanted was to kiss her again, so I did. That’s when a thought occurred to me. What would everyone think? Even if I wasn’t quidditch captain, I’m still a Gryffindor and she’s… well… When I pulled back from her, I saw those same doubts in her eyes. “We could just keep it a secret.” It seemed like the perfect solution at the time. She seemed to question that for a moment before agreeing.
I was an idiot from the beginning.
I think I was wrong
I think you were right…
Getting out each night without getting the third degree from anybody was far harder than I thought it would be. But I couldn’t stop. Seeing her in class wasn’t enough. I needed to feel her. Each time, it seemed like I needed more, I needed to go just a little further. She wasn’t the first, but in my mind, she was the only one that counted.
I can tell you exactly which classroom it was, exactly which desk she was sitting on, the look on her face as I entered her, promising to be gentle. She felt so good. Everything else just seemed to disappear. I was hooked.
That’s when it went straight to hell.
That all my angry words
Will keep me up at night…
I don’t want to make excuses… and even if I did, I don’t think I could come up with one good enough. Part of me was so angry when we lost the cup… again. And that we lost to Slytherin. Maybe that’s what it was. If I punished her, I’d get back at the whole house. It’s ridiculous, looking back.
I kept hoping for that feeling I got from her the first time… that feeling of everything else melting away. When it didn’t come, I’d push harder… just like I did with everything else. I thought… no… no, that’s not right.
The problem was I wasn’t thinking.
And through the old screen door
I still hear you say
Oh, Honey won't you stop
Treating me that way…
Over the summer, I swore I’d make it up to her. I’d tell everyone, and that would be one less problem for us. What’s the muggle saying? The road to hell is paved in good intentions?
If you could only see
What love has made of me
Then I’d no longer be in your mind
The difficult kind
Cuz babe, I’ve changed
Maybe I wouldn’t have lost my nerve if Snaggletooth Flint hadn’t been questioning my manhood at dinner, or if, when I walked into the common room Fred and George hadn’t been touting the dangers of catching crazy from Slytherin girls. I was so wound up by the time I could get out to see her… I needed that feeling again. It was like she was the only person that could calm me down, but she didn’t calm me down. If anything, she had the exact opposite effect.
I hated myself for it. Maybe I was taking all that out on her, but I couldn’t see it. I just kept pushing.
Then she told me…
Tell it to me slow
Tell me with your eyes
If anyone should know
How to let it slide
The words had barely left her lips when I started to panic. Stupid guy response, I know. The part of my brain I should have been using all along told me that I was lucky. This beautiful intelligent girl loved me. Miracle of miracles. The part of my brain that took over every time I was in a room with her though, looked for any excuse to get away. Stupid house bullshit flew through my head. How could a Slytherin love anyone but themselves? What’s she trying to prove? Ridiculous, paranoid thoughts, but I couldn’t stop them. Then, my secret nightmare started to creep up on me.
“Shh… I think I hear someone.” I heard Percy talking to someone out in the hall. My brain started to come up with excuses, but the only way they were going to work was if he didn’t see who I was with.
“That’s all you have to say?” I loathed looking back at her. The look in her eyes made me feel like the asshole I was slowly becoming. But I couldn’t think on that. Not with the destruction of my reputation bearing down on me.
“It’s Percy.” As if that was an explanation for why I hadn’t said something sweet back to her when she told me she loved me. I didn’t see her get up, in fact, I hadn’t realized she’d moved until she was just behind me, straightening her skirt and heading for the door.
I swear I can see you
Coming up the drive
And there ain’t nothing like regret
To remind you you’re alive
My eyes must have been the size of dinner plates when I grabbed her arm. “Where do you think you’re going?” The panic and adrenaline had kicked in. “He’ll see you!”
Something in her eyes changed. They got colder, a little darker. I think that was the first time I realized why she was in Slytherin. Before that… I don’t know, maybe I figured the sorting hat had fucked something up. “That’s not my problem.” Then, in true Slytherin fashion, she went for the jugular. “Maybe I should have said yes to Marcus when he asked me out.”
Images of Snaggletooth drooling all over her and pawing at her flashed in my head. I was furious. “I’m not going to share you.” Some primeval instinct took me over, the one, I imagine that caused cavemen to drag cavewomen back to their caves by the hair.
“Let go of me.” Her voice shook. She was terrified, and I should have seen it. I should have taken a deep breath and counted to ten. I should have listened to her and just let go.
Then the sound of Percy’s voice reminded me of what had started all of this in the first place. I was still angry. If I could have yelled and screamed at her, maybe… not that that would have been any better. But the anger had nowhere to go. “Keep your voice down! He’ll hear you.” She actually tried to pull away from me. I don’t know what I was thinking when I pushed her. Percy was almost at the door when she groaned. “Quiet.” And I left her there. I still can’t believe I just left her there, especially considering what was happening at the school. For all I knew, I’d left her there for Slytherin’s monster. I went back to the dorms with Percy, feeding him some story about some Hufflepuff girl with a quidditch captain fetish. As I tried to sleep, a thought occurred to me.
Whatever was petrifying people wasn’t the only monster wandering the halls.
If you could only see
What love has made of me
Then I’d no longer be in your mind
The difficult kind
Cuz babe, I’ve changed
I went looking for her after they canceled quidditch. If I ever needed everything but her to melt away, that was the time. That she actually met me at all after what I’d done amazed me, but that she’d risk everything to sneak out… that I’d risk everything to sneak out, well… that was mind blowing.
The thing was, the guilt, the knowledge that I’d been such an ass… and I knew full well that tendency was still there, it made it so hard to tell her I was sorry, to tell her anything at all. So I just kept doing what we did. Part of me almost wished that she’d lose patience with me and either tell everyone what we’d been doing, or chuck me completely.
I was addicted to her.
I crossed the canyon a thousand times
And never noticed what was mine.
I waited in the dungeons after the feast the first night of our seventh year. Things were going to be different this time. I’d convinced myself of that, and as I pressed her against the wall and felt her tighten around me I felt a little of that melting feeling come back. But when it was all over, there was something in the way she was looking at me, something that told me I wasn’t the only one having paranoid delusions about all this.
“Have you told anyone about us?”
I thought for a moment, trying to figure out what she wanted to hear. “Of course not. I mean, how would that look? Me with a Slytherin?” I hadn’t meant it to come out like that. It was supposed to be a good thing. I hadn’t dragged her name through the mud; I hadn’t made it harder for her by letting the world know she was with a Gryffindor, let alone one that, to a few of her housemates was public enemy #1. I should have told her that, but I didn’t. The look on her face told me that none of my intended message got through.
“Right, of course.” She was trying to keep herself from breaking down, and doing a fairly good job of it. I wasn’t sure though how long she’d be able to keep it up with me standing there staring at her.
“I should go before someone sees me.”
What you remember of me tonight
Well, it almost makes me cry
I thought after that she’d drop me. But she was there, just like every other night. The feeling though, wasn’t. I couldn’t figure it out. No matter how hard I tried, how hard I pushed, it wasn’t there. I was trying to wrap my head around that when she spoke.
“I want to tell my friends.” Her voice was low, as if she was speaking to a wild animal that might pounce on her if she said the wrong thing. I guess it was a fairly accurate analogy. Part of me wanted to tell her to do it, that I was tired of sneaking around. Another part of me, the stupid part, panicked again. And it pounced.
“What?” She flinched when I spun around. “You can’t.” As if it was that easy. Just tell her no, and all the bullshit that went with her statement went away.
“Why not?” I didn’t have an answer to that, not a good one anyway. “It’s been almost two years. What are we doing?” Even in the dark, I could see the tears in her eyes. But the stupid caveman me had control, and he isn’t the sentimental type.
“We’re doing what we’ve always done.” Again, it was simple. Things weren’t that bad, were they? Things didn’t have to change. We didn’t have to put anything on the line. She wasn’t buying it, and I was so frustrated with that… I tried to keep it reigned in.
She adopted the wild animal voice again, but this time it was quieter, calmer. “It’s not enough anymore.”
A thousand horrible ideas floated into my head. She didn’t want me. She had someone else already lined up. My panic reached a fever pitch. I don’t know how I kept it out of my voice. “You want someone else?”
“I want you.” Her voice shook.
She was asking for something I couldn’t give her. I see that now. But I wanted her there, night after night. I wanted to touch her, kiss her… fuck her. I wanted her to make me feel that melting, calm feeling again. But I couldn’t say that. So I crossed the room in a few quick steps, grabbed her and tried to show her. Looking back, there are better ways to show someone you want them around than fucking them on a desk without warning, but it was the best the stupid me could come up with. I groaned a little. “You’ve got me.”
Oh ballbreakin’ moon and ridiculing stars
The older I get, the closer you are
Don’t you got somewhere you need to be
Instead of hanging here, making a fool of me
I spent so much of that year so angry. Not with her, with school, with my team, with myself. But I took it out on her. Sometimes… I think she tested me. Like when she told me that Roger Davis asked her out. “Tell him no!” If I could have I would have been screaming bloody murder. Every inch of me wanted to hit something… anything.
“Why?” She stared at me, her eyes narrowed. “We’re just doing what we’ve always done, right?” She was right, I’d said just that. But I didn’t have to like it. “That’s what you said.” And I knew it. I just didn’t think she’d use it against me. “You’ve been on enough dates.” I was a fucking hypocrite, that’s what I heard. “Why shouldn’t I…” I don’t know how it happened. I don’t even really remember doing it. One moment I was pacing, trying to control my temper, the next… oh gods… I was sure for a moment I’d broken my hand on the stone wall. I just stared at her for a moment. I’d never seen someone so scared in my life.
I was warring with the stupid me. I’d become the monster. I couldn’t believe I’d… I’d never hit a woman in my life. That was still true, but only by an inch or so. I wanted to throw up. “I’m sorry.” I could barely breathe; all the anger that had driven me to that point was gone. There was no excuse, absolutely nothing I could say to explain myself. But like an idiot, I tried. “I don’t want to share you with anyone.”
She didn’t move for the longest time. That terrified look in her eyes stayed too, even after she stepped away from the wall. Her voice was so tiny when she spoke; I had to strain to hear her. “I’ll tell him no.”
If you could only see
What love has made of me
Then I’d no longer be in your mind
The difficult kind
But you won’t see the change in me
If we’d won that game against Hufflepuff, things may have been different. As it was, I sulked in the shower for a half hour after the game, not just because we lost, not just because I saw my dream of winning the Quidditch Cup flushed down the toilet for all I could see. That was the major part of it but there was a little voice in the back of my head telling me I had to fix things with her. I had to make it up to her. I had to get that feeling back. And I knew how I’d do it. I’d tell everyone the truth. Really this time. No more lying. No more sneaking around.
If you could only see
What love has made of me
Then I’d no longer be in your mind
The difficult kind
But you won’t see, no you won’t see
The good in me
I sat on the bench in the change room for a bit, trying to find the words to tell her I’d change. To tell her I’d be with her, properly. Then she came in, hair dripping from the rain, and looking nervous. I wanted to tell her it was okay. That the monster was gone. If we were out in the open, things would be different. I couldn’t find the words. I got up and wrapped my arms around her, kissing her like I did on that first night. And then, it was there. That wonderful melting feeling came back at full force… until she pulled away. “What are you doing?” I didn’t get a chance to tell her any of it.
“I’m leaving.” She turned toward the door so quickly I couldn’t get hold of her.
“What? No!” I reached for her. I thought she had to give me a chance to explain. I thought if she just heard me out, it’d be okay.
“Careful Oliver.” She wasn’t crying now. Apparently I wasn’t the only one that had made up my mind on how to solve this problem. Only she’d come up with a completely different solution. “Someone might hear you.” I wanted to tell her that I didn’t care if the whole school heard me. But she was gone.
Someday, I’ll make it up to her… if she’ll let me.
Pairing: Oliver Wood/OFC
Warnings: M/F sexual situations, implied emotional and physical abuse
Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to the Harry Potter Universe. The recognizable characters and the world this is set in are the property of JK Rowling, her publishers and Warner Bros. Pictures. The song quoted in this fic, The Difficult Kind, is the property of Sheryl Crow. I make no money from this, it is strictly for entertainment purposes.
A/N: This is a companion piece to my fic Voices Carry and it’s probably a good idea to read that one first as this covers the same events from a different perspective. I swear this is it for my evil!Oliver fics. No more, I promise.
Summary: Even a good man has a dark side.
They say that hindsight is 20/20. Whoever they are… they’re right. I can’t believe what an idiot I was, and I can’t believe she put up with it as long as she did. I was never like that before… and it’s never been like that since, thank the gods. She used to compare it to the muggle play, Romeo and Juliet… I finally read it recently… and I’m glad it didn’t come to that. I think the comparison was her way of telling me just how out of control it all was, because she knew I couldn’t see straight when it came to us.
It all started in DADA in our fifth year. I wasn’t paying attention, as usual. Quirrell was babbling on about iguanas… at least I think it was iguanas. I was eyeballs deep in Beating the Bludgers: A Study of Defensive Strategies in Quidditch. The season hadn’t even started yet, and I was already obsessing. Yes, I’ll admit it now. I’d actually admitted it then too, at least to myself. So I closed the book and tried to pay attention. Unfortunately, Professor Quirrell wasn’t the best at keeping the class’ attention, so my eye wandered around the room until I found her. I’d have to be an idiot not to notice her. Finally, I’d found something, other than quidditch that caught my attention and held it. Damn shame she was a Slytherin. When she turned around, I couldn’t help myself. I winked at her. She was even prettier when she blushed.
Then Professor McGonagall showed up and I got… well, my brain spun right back into quidditch mode. I spent every class after that thinking up ways to train my new seeker. It wasn’t until after dinner that I remembered her. I couldn’t help myself… I went looking for her. And I found her in the library. I don’t know how long I watched her read, a few minutes maybe. I watched her bite her lip as she took notes. That was it. I’d hoped that I’d come up with something witty to say by the time I got to her. I hadn’t. So I took her arm and I kissed her. “What are you doing?” She finally pushed me away, but judging by her lack of a coherent argument, I figured the kiss had been alright.
“I just thought…” I had no idea what I thought actually. All I wanted was to kiss her again, so I did. That’s when a thought occurred to me. What would everyone think? Even if I wasn’t quidditch captain, I’m still a Gryffindor and she’s… well… When I pulled back from her, I saw those same doubts in her eyes. “We could just keep it a secret.” It seemed like the perfect solution at the time. She seemed to question that for a moment before agreeing.
I was an idiot from the beginning.
I think I was wrong
I think you were right…
Getting out each night without getting the third degree from anybody was far harder than I thought it would be. But I couldn’t stop. Seeing her in class wasn’t enough. I needed to feel her. Each time, it seemed like I needed more, I needed to go just a little further. She wasn’t the first, but in my mind, she was the only one that counted.
I can tell you exactly which classroom it was, exactly which desk she was sitting on, the look on her face as I entered her, promising to be gentle. She felt so good. Everything else just seemed to disappear. I was hooked.
That’s when it went straight to hell.
That all my angry words
Will keep me up at night…
I don’t want to make excuses… and even if I did, I don’t think I could come up with one good enough. Part of me was so angry when we lost the cup… again. And that we lost to Slytherin. Maybe that’s what it was. If I punished her, I’d get back at the whole house. It’s ridiculous, looking back.
I kept hoping for that feeling I got from her the first time… that feeling of everything else melting away. When it didn’t come, I’d push harder… just like I did with everything else. I thought… no… no, that’s not right.
The problem was I wasn’t thinking.
And through the old screen door
I still hear you say
Oh, Honey won't you stop
Treating me that way…
Over the summer, I swore I’d make it up to her. I’d tell everyone, and that would be one less problem for us. What’s the muggle saying? The road to hell is paved in good intentions?
If you could only see
What love has made of me
Then I’d no longer be in your mind
The difficult kind
Cuz babe, I’ve changed
Maybe I wouldn’t have lost my nerve if Snaggletooth Flint hadn’t been questioning my manhood at dinner, or if, when I walked into the common room Fred and George hadn’t been touting the dangers of catching crazy from Slytherin girls. I was so wound up by the time I could get out to see her… I needed that feeling again. It was like she was the only person that could calm me down, but she didn’t calm me down. If anything, she had the exact opposite effect.
I hated myself for it. Maybe I was taking all that out on her, but I couldn’t see it. I just kept pushing.
Then she told me…
Tell it to me slow
Tell me with your eyes
If anyone should know
How to let it slide
The words had barely left her lips when I started to panic. Stupid guy response, I know. The part of my brain I should have been using all along told me that I was lucky. This beautiful intelligent girl loved me. Miracle of miracles. The part of my brain that took over every time I was in a room with her though, looked for any excuse to get away. Stupid house bullshit flew through my head. How could a Slytherin love anyone but themselves? What’s she trying to prove? Ridiculous, paranoid thoughts, but I couldn’t stop them. Then, my secret nightmare started to creep up on me.
“Shh… I think I hear someone.” I heard Percy talking to someone out in the hall. My brain started to come up with excuses, but the only way they were going to work was if he didn’t see who I was with.
“That’s all you have to say?” I loathed looking back at her. The look in her eyes made me feel like the asshole I was slowly becoming. But I couldn’t think on that. Not with the destruction of my reputation bearing down on me.
“It’s Percy.” As if that was an explanation for why I hadn’t said something sweet back to her when she told me she loved me. I didn’t see her get up, in fact, I hadn’t realized she’d moved until she was just behind me, straightening her skirt and heading for the door.
I swear I can see you
Coming up the drive
And there ain’t nothing like regret
To remind you you’re alive
My eyes must have been the size of dinner plates when I grabbed her arm. “Where do you think you’re going?” The panic and adrenaline had kicked in. “He’ll see you!”
Something in her eyes changed. They got colder, a little darker. I think that was the first time I realized why she was in Slytherin. Before that… I don’t know, maybe I figured the sorting hat had fucked something up. “That’s not my problem.” Then, in true Slytherin fashion, she went for the jugular. “Maybe I should have said yes to Marcus when he asked me out.”
Images of Snaggletooth drooling all over her and pawing at her flashed in my head. I was furious. “I’m not going to share you.” Some primeval instinct took me over, the one, I imagine that caused cavemen to drag cavewomen back to their caves by the hair.
“Let go of me.” Her voice shook. She was terrified, and I should have seen it. I should have taken a deep breath and counted to ten. I should have listened to her and just let go.
Then the sound of Percy’s voice reminded me of what had started all of this in the first place. I was still angry. If I could have yelled and screamed at her, maybe… not that that would have been any better. But the anger had nowhere to go. “Keep your voice down! He’ll hear you.” She actually tried to pull away from me. I don’t know what I was thinking when I pushed her. Percy was almost at the door when she groaned. “Quiet.” And I left her there. I still can’t believe I just left her there, especially considering what was happening at the school. For all I knew, I’d left her there for Slytherin’s monster. I went back to the dorms with Percy, feeding him some story about some Hufflepuff girl with a quidditch captain fetish. As I tried to sleep, a thought occurred to me.
Whatever was petrifying people wasn’t the only monster wandering the halls.
If you could only see
What love has made of me
Then I’d no longer be in your mind
The difficult kind
Cuz babe, I’ve changed
I went looking for her after they canceled quidditch. If I ever needed everything but her to melt away, that was the time. That she actually met me at all after what I’d done amazed me, but that she’d risk everything to sneak out… that I’d risk everything to sneak out, well… that was mind blowing.
The thing was, the guilt, the knowledge that I’d been such an ass… and I knew full well that tendency was still there, it made it so hard to tell her I was sorry, to tell her anything at all. So I just kept doing what we did. Part of me almost wished that she’d lose patience with me and either tell everyone what we’d been doing, or chuck me completely.
I was addicted to her.
I crossed the canyon a thousand times
And never noticed what was mine.
I waited in the dungeons after the feast the first night of our seventh year. Things were going to be different this time. I’d convinced myself of that, and as I pressed her against the wall and felt her tighten around me I felt a little of that melting feeling come back. But when it was all over, there was something in the way she was looking at me, something that told me I wasn’t the only one having paranoid delusions about all this.
“Have you told anyone about us?”
I thought for a moment, trying to figure out what she wanted to hear. “Of course not. I mean, how would that look? Me with a Slytherin?” I hadn’t meant it to come out like that. It was supposed to be a good thing. I hadn’t dragged her name through the mud; I hadn’t made it harder for her by letting the world know she was with a Gryffindor, let alone one that, to a few of her housemates was public enemy #1. I should have told her that, but I didn’t. The look on her face told me that none of my intended message got through.
“Right, of course.” She was trying to keep herself from breaking down, and doing a fairly good job of it. I wasn’t sure though how long she’d be able to keep it up with me standing there staring at her.
“I should go before someone sees me.”
What you remember of me tonight
Well, it almost makes me cry
I thought after that she’d drop me. But she was there, just like every other night. The feeling though, wasn’t. I couldn’t figure it out. No matter how hard I tried, how hard I pushed, it wasn’t there. I was trying to wrap my head around that when she spoke.
“I want to tell my friends.” Her voice was low, as if she was speaking to a wild animal that might pounce on her if she said the wrong thing. I guess it was a fairly accurate analogy. Part of me wanted to tell her to do it, that I was tired of sneaking around. Another part of me, the stupid part, panicked again. And it pounced.
“What?” She flinched when I spun around. “You can’t.” As if it was that easy. Just tell her no, and all the bullshit that went with her statement went away.
“Why not?” I didn’t have an answer to that, not a good one anyway. “It’s been almost two years. What are we doing?” Even in the dark, I could see the tears in her eyes. But the stupid caveman me had control, and he isn’t the sentimental type.
“We’re doing what we’ve always done.” Again, it was simple. Things weren’t that bad, were they? Things didn’t have to change. We didn’t have to put anything on the line. She wasn’t buying it, and I was so frustrated with that… I tried to keep it reigned in.
She adopted the wild animal voice again, but this time it was quieter, calmer. “It’s not enough anymore.”
A thousand horrible ideas floated into my head. She didn’t want me. She had someone else already lined up. My panic reached a fever pitch. I don’t know how I kept it out of my voice. “You want someone else?”
“I want you.” Her voice shook.
She was asking for something I couldn’t give her. I see that now. But I wanted her there, night after night. I wanted to touch her, kiss her… fuck her. I wanted her to make me feel that melting, calm feeling again. But I couldn’t say that. So I crossed the room in a few quick steps, grabbed her and tried to show her. Looking back, there are better ways to show someone you want them around than fucking them on a desk without warning, but it was the best the stupid me could come up with. I groaned a little. “You’ve got me.”
Oh ballbreakin’ moon and ridiculing stars
The older I get, the closer you are
Don’t you got somewhere you need to be
Instead of hanging here, making a fool of me
I spent so much of that year so angry. Not with her, with school, with my team, with myself. But I took it out on her. Sometimes… I think she tested me. Like when she told me that Roger Davis asked her out. “Tell him no!” If I could have I would have been screaming bloody murder. Every inch of me wanted to hit something… anything.
“Why?” She stared at me, her eyes narrowed. “We’re just doing what we’ve always done, right?” She was right, I’d said just that. But I didn’t have to like it. “That’s what you said.” And I knew it. I just didn’t think she’d use it against me. “You’ve been on enough dates.” I was a fucking hypocrite, that’s what I heard. “Why shouldn’t I…” I don’t know how it happened. I don’t even really remember doing it. One moment I was pacing, trying to control my temper, the next… oh gods… I was sure for a moment I’d broken my hand on the stone wall. I just stared at her for a moment. I’d never seen someone so scared in my life.
I was warring with the stupid me. I’d become the monster. I couldn’t believe I’d… I’d never hit a woman in my life. That was still true, but only by an inch or so. I wanted to throw up. “I’m sorry.” I could barely breathe; all the anger that had driven me to that point was gone. There was no excuse, absolutely nothing I could say to explain myself. But like an idiot, I tried. “I don’t want to share you with anyone.”
She didn’t move for the longest time. That terrified look in her eyes stayed too, even after she stepped away from the wall. Her voice was so tiny when she spoke; I had to strain to hear her. “I’ll tell him no.”
If you could only see
What love has made of me
Then I’d no longer be in your mind
The difficult kind
But you won’t see the change in me
If we’d won that game against Hufflepuff, things may have been different. As it was, I sulked in the shower for a half hour after the game, not just because we lost, not just because I saw my dream of winning the Quidditch Cup flushed down the toilet for all I could see. That was the major part of it but there was a little voice in the back of my head telling me I had to fix things with her. I had to make it up to her. I had to get that feeling back. And I knew how I’d do it. I’d tell everyone the truth. Really this time. No more lying. No more sneaking around.
If you could only see
What love has made of me
Then I’d no longer be in your mind
The difficult kind
But you won’t see, no you won’t see
The good in me
I sat on the bench in the change room for a bit, trying to find the words to tell her I’d change. To tell her I’d be with her, properly. Then she came in, hair dripping from the rain, and looking nervous. I wanted to tell her it was okay. That the monster was gone. If we were out in the open, things would be different. I couldn’t find the words. I got up and wrapped my arms around her, kissing her like I did on that first night. And then, it was there. That wonderful melting feeling came back at full force… until she pulled away. “What are you doing?” I didn’t get a chance to tell her any of it.
“I’m leaving.” She turned toward the door so quickly I couldn’t get hold of her.
“What? No!” I reached for her. I thought she had to give me a chance to explain. I thought if she just heard me out, it’d be okay.
“Careful Oliver.” She wasn’t crying now. Apparently I wasn’t the only one that had made up my mind on how to solve this problem. Only she’d come up with a completely different solution. “Someone might hear you.” I wanted to tell her that I didn’t care if the whole school heard me. But she was gone.
Someday, I’ll make it up to her… if she’ll let me.