Crack Fic: My Own Worst Enemy (Marvel AU, Bobbi/Clint, Crystal/Pietro, PG-13)
Title: My Own Worst Enemy (Part 4)
Author: dazzledfirestar and strawberispring
Character(s): Bobbi Morse, Crystal Amaquelin. Pietro Maximoff, Clint Barton
Rating: PG-13 (mostly due to some naughty words and adult situations, and a little making out)
Warnings: fluffy AU? That's a warning, right? And references to Princess Leia's gold bikini.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything recognizable here. Marvel does. I do not make any money from this.
Author Note: Yes, this is still going. And yes, I suck at getting things done. Enough waiting, here it is!
Clint was absolutely sure the old lady at the register had somehow known as they bought their snacks… he couldn’t put his finger on it, but he had gotten a very judgmental vibe from her. He’d never felt better leaving a store in his life.
Unfortunately, waiting for pizza was giving him just a little too much time to think on all the reasons that little old lady had for being all judgmental. He lifted his head and watched for a moment as Pietro flipped a straw between his fingers so quickly that it was little more than a white blur. “What do you think I should do?”
Pietro looked at his friend. The question had come from no where and caused him to drop his straw. “Well,” he bent down to retrieve the piece of plastic. “If it’s a boy…”
“I’m not going to name my son Pietro.”
“Why not?” A confused little crinkle formed between Pietro’s eyes. “I’d name my son Clint.”
“You would not.”
“I might.”
“No, you wouldn’t.”
“Alright, fine.” Pietro began flipping the straw again.
Clint’s shoulders slumped and he ran his hands through his already more than messed up hair. “Seriously, what should I do?”
“Put on a condom next time, dumbass.”
“You’re not helping.” Clint’s eyes narrowed on his friend.
Pietro looked up from his straw. “I’m not here to help.” He threw a smirk at Clint. “I’m here to mock, ridicule and remind you that you’re an idiot.” He thought for a moment, setting the straw on the table between them. “I may have to revise my opinion of Bobbi too…”
Clint’s brow furrowed for a moment. “What? Why?”
“Well,” Pietro tilted his head, making a show of considering his answer. “I expect you to be shortsighted and careless, but I thought better of her.”
“I’m sure she appreciated your faith in her.” Sarcasm dripped from every word and Clint glared at the speedster. He distracted himself for a moment by sifting through the salty, sweet, none too healthy snacks that they’d collected earlier. “Shit…”
“What?”
Clint’s brow wrinkled a little. “What if there’s stuff in here that Bobbi shouldn’t have?”
“I’m sure the Tostitos are fine, Clint.” Pietro couldn’t stop his eyes from rolling.
“But are you sure?”
Clint’s concerned and slightly confused look was soon mirrored on Pietro’s face. “Umm… no, actually.”
The blonde just barely resisted the urge to bang his head on the table. “God, I’m going to suck at this…”
Pietro stared at him for a moment, but even at the speeds his brain tended to move at, he was having trouble coming up with anything constructive to say. “Do you want to go down to the bookstore and get a copy of What to Expect When You’re Expecting?”
It was Clint’s turn to roll his eyes. “No!” His tone suggested that this might be the dumbest thing that Pietro had ever said to him. Though a few seconds later, his cheeks flushed a little and he kicked the table leg. “At least, not yet.”
“You don’t even know for sure if she is pregnant.” Pietro tried to sound encouraging but he was never very good at such things and he was a little unclear on which side of things he should be encouraging about.
“I know…” Clint’s hand passed through his hair again. “I’m just… freaking out, I guess.”
“Well,” Pietro’s brain spun into action. He thought if they just laid everything out in the open, perhaps things wouldn’t seem quite so… bizarre. “I suppose Bobbi and I will be switching apartments.”
“What?” Clint’s brow furrowed further.
Pietro shrugged. “Well, I imagine you’d want her close by for all that first baby… stuff. Kicking and all that.”
“Oh… yeah, right.”
“And you’ll probably have to turn my room into the nursery. Lambs and duckies and pastels…”
“Uh-huh…”
Pietro shook his head, his brain kicking into a gear that only his brain could reach. “I don’t envy you the diapers and 3am feedings.” He pulled a face, but it only remained for a moment before something else occurred to him. “I’ve never understood how people have more than one child. How anyone can muster the energy for sex after all that, I’ll never know.”
“Can you please just shut up?” Clint swallowed thickly.
Pietro watched as the color drained from the archer’s face. “What? I just mean…”
“Can you get this stuff back to the apartment without me?”
“Of course I can.” Pietro looked mildly insulted by the question. “But where…”
“I just… I need to sort some of this out, I think.” Before the speedster could get another question out, Clint was out the door.
Pietro called after him a few times but the decision of whether or not to follow was made for him as their pizza appeared, hot and ready on the counter. “Damn it.” He was fairly sure that Bobbi would be far less upset about this if she were well fed.
~*~*~*~*~
Pietro opened the door to the apartment, relieved to find the girls not sitting on the couch waiting. “Ladies, I come bearing snacks and pizza!”
A strawberry blonde head poked out of the kitchen. “What kind of pizza?”
“Meat lovers.” Pietro shrugged and set the boxes and bags full of food on the coffee table as Bobbi and Crystal settled back onto the couch. He smiled at Bobbi for a second. “I thought that protein is more than likely important for a mother to be.”
“Right.” Bobbi shook her head and reached for the pizza box. “It had nothing to do with you two not wanting to pick veggies off your pizza, right?”
“Of course not.” Pietro started handing snacks to Crystal and laying things out on the table.
Bobbi looked behind her, eyes locked on the door for a moment before she stared hard at Pietro. “Where’s Clint?”
Pietro felt his heart rate pick up and he fiddled with one of the Twizzlers from the fresh pack Crystal had just opened, twining it between his fingers at an alarming speed until the candy snapped. “He… umm… he’llberightbackhejusthadtopickupafewmorethingsforyouandhedidn’twantthepizzatogetcoldandhethoughtyouwerehungrysohesentmebackand…”
“Pietro!” Bobbi’s voice rose, indicating, he was sure that she had 1) tried to get his attention a few times already, and 2) not expected to have to decipher his speed talking. “Where. Is. Clint?”
He wasn’t thinking. Apparently in a situation like this even having a brain that worked at five times the normal speed wasn’t going to help, so he just started talking. The first things that popped into his brain started spilling from between his lips. “SoIwasthinkingthatwe’reallreallycloseandallpracticallylivingtogetherandwhatwiththebabycomingandallweshouldallenjoyeachothertothefullestpossibleextentandmaybeevenifthisisafaulsealarmwecouldallworksomethingoutswitchthingsupand…”
He only stopped when he noticed the look of horror on both women’s faces.
“Okay…” Bobbi pinched the bridge of her nose and took a deep breath. “I know there were words in there. I’m pretty sure I picked up a few of them, and if I’m right, I really want to kick you right now.”
Pietro looked to Crystal, hoping against hope that somehow, she’d understand. His hopes were quickly dashed. “That makes two of us. Did you two talk about this? Oh my god!”
“No! NO! I just… I needed to…” he took a deep breath, his hands coming up to either tell them that he had an explanation or to ward off any blows coming his way. “I thought that I needed to distract you both and… well it was the first thing that popped into my head.”
Both women just stared at him for what felt like forever. Crystal’s mouth moved a few times before she could actually form the words. “Group sex was the first thing to pop into your head?”
“Well, he did have that bit about the pizza getting cold first.” Bobbi sighed heavily. Pietro resisted the urge to hug her, knowing full well that would absolutely not help the situation at all.
“So it’s pizza and then group sex?” Crystal’s brow crinkled before she started to shake her head. “I don’t know how I feel about this…”
“I think you’re missing the point.” Bobbi turned back to the speedster. “Pietro, where is Clint?”
Pietro swallowed hard. “Well, we were talking about everything and…”
“He freaked out, didn’t he?” Bobbi’s slice of pizza slapped down on the plate in front of her.
“Umm. A little, yes.”
She nodded and sighed. “Okay,” Bobbi pushed herself off the couch and waved back as she headed down the main hallway. “If you need me, I’ll be in my room.”
“But you didn’t eat anything!” Crystal only got half way through before the door clicked shut.
Bobbi’s words were muffled a little by her door. If not for the paper thin walls, Crystal might not have heard her. “I’ve lost my appetite.”
After a few moments, Crystal’s frown had deepened to the point where Pietro was starting to wonder if her face hurt. “I’m not hungry anymore either.” She tossed her piece of pizza down into the box.
Pietro stared at the food on the table and considered that, yes; he probably could make sure none of it went to waste. When he looked back to Crystal, her arms were crossed over her chest and she was leaning deep into the cushions of the couch. “What’s wrong?”
She stared at him like he’d grown another head. She jabbed her finger in the direction of Bobbi’s room. “She needs Clint here and he’s not! That’s what’s wrong!” Her tone reminded him of the tone he tended to use with nearly everyone; the one that suggested that they were obviously being insanely thick about something.
He settled in next to her. “I think it’s a little more complicated than that.”
“He ran away.” She glared at him with all the fury she’d no doubt direct at his friend when he came back. It was almost enough to make him pull back.
“He didn’t run…” Pietro tried to come up with some explanation for it all. “It’s a lot to process, I’m sure. He’ll be back.”
“How could he just leave like that?”
“I don’t know.”
Crystal studied him for a moment. “You’re his best friend and you don’t know why he freaked out?”
“I know why he freaked out, but no, I don’t know why he decided to take off.” Pietro shrugged and slipped an arm around Crystal, pulling her a little closer. “He’s not usually the type to run.”
“No, you’re better at that.” She rolled her eyes.
He stared down at her for a moment, trying to figure out if she was serious. There was no hint that she had lightened up and was teasing him. Well, damn. “Ha.” He settled back against the couch and resisted the urge to pout.
Crystal noticed the slight quiver of a wanting-to-pout bottom lip. “Oh, you know what I mean.” She rested her head on his shoulder a few moments later, when she spoke again, it took him by surprise. “Would you?”
“Would I what?”
“Run?” She tilted her head and looked up at him. “If… if it was us instead of them, would you run?”
Pietro stared out at the rest of the room for a moment. He knew of course what she wanted him to say. “No.” He finally answered. “It’s easy to say that obviously because it isn’t us, but, no. I don’t think I would.”
That seemed to break some of the tension; at least the tension between the two of them, and she snuggled into his arms. “It’s a little… I don’t know, surreal.” Her arms tightened around him for a moment. “Bobbi freaked out a little, and I guess I would too. I mean, a baby. That’s so huge! That’s a whole little person growing inside you!”
Pietro ran his fingers through her hair a few times before nodded. “Yeah…”
“And nine months sounds like such a long time, but… I mean, it’s really such a short time to grow an entire little person, and then…”
“And then it’s a baby, and you’re a parent.” Pietro pressed a kiss to her temple as she nodded.
“I don’t know if I’d freak out, or be happy or hit you…” she let out a soft chuckle. “Or all three.”
When she turned and looked up at him, he smiled and kissed her softly. “That might just depend on the hormones that day.”
“Probably.”
They stayed there, cuddled up and letting all the thoughts the conversation brought up spin through they’re brains. Pietro broke the silence first. “I’m starting to see why he ran…” Crystal sat up and glared at him, hand raised and ready to smack him, he grabbed her wrist before she could move and pressed a kiss to her pulse point. “I just mean, it would be a lot to process all at once. Some time to sort it out might not be a bad idea.”
She shook her head but didn’t pull away. “They should be sorting it all out together.”
“I agree.”
She laughed and looked up at him again. “Of course you do.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” He smirked at her.
“It means, Mr. Maximoff, that you have a keen sense of self preservation.”
His eyebrow rose and he stared down at her. “Oh really?”
Before she could reply his fingers had found each and every ticklish spot on her, and she was reduced to little more than giggles and ‘stop it’s. Any attempt to grab his wrists was thwarted, and she finally settled for grabbing his shoulders. “Oh, that’s it, mister!” She threw him off balance and he landed with a laugh on his back on the couch.
“Well, that simply isn’t playing fair!” He smirked up at her as she straddled him, pressing a kiss to his lips that he quickly deepened. Pietro almost had her out of her top when the door creaked open.
Author: dazzledfirestar and strawberispring
Character(s): Bobbi Morse, Crystal Amaquelin. Pietro Maximoff, Clint Barton
Rating: PG-13 (mostly due to some naughty words and adult situations, and a little making out)
Warnings: fluffy AU? That's a warning, right? And references to Princess Leia's gold bikini.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything recognizable here. Marvel does. I do not make any money from this.
Author Note: Yes, this is still going. And yes, I suck at getting things done. Enough waiting, here it is!
Clint was absolutely sure the old lady at the register had somehow known as they bought their snacks… he couldn’t put his finger on it, but he had gotten a very judgmental vibe from her. He’d never felt better leaving a store in his life.
Unfortunately, waiting for pizza was giving him just a little too much time to think on all the reasons that little old lady had for being all judgmental. He lifted his head and watched for a moment as Pietro flipped a straw between his fingers so quickly that it was little more than a white blur. “What do you think I should do?”
Pietro looked at his friend. The question had come from no where and caused him to drop his straw. “Well,” he bent down to retrieve the piece of plastic. “If it’s a boy…”
“I’m not going to name my son Pietro.”
“Why not?” A confused little crinkle formed between Pietro’s eyes. “I’d name my son Clint.”
“You would not.”
“I might.”
“No, you wouldn’t.”
“Alright, fine.” Pietro began flipping the straw again.
Clint’s shoulders slumped and he ran his hands through his already more than messed up hair. “Seriously, what should I do?”
“Put on a condom next time, dumbass.”
“You’re not helping.” Clint’s eyes narrowed on his friend.
Pietro looked up from his straw. “I’m not here to help.” He threw a smirk at Clint. “I’m here to mock, ridicule and remind you that you’re an idiot.” He thought for a moment, setting the straw on the table between them. “I may have to revise my opinion of Bobbi too…”
Clint’s brow furrowed for a moment. “What? Why?”
“Well,” Pietro tilted his head, making a show of considering his answer. “I expect you to be shortsighted and careless, but I thought better of her.”
“I’m sure she appreciated your faith in her.” Sarcasm dripped from every word and Clint glared at the speedster. He distracted himself for a moment by sifting through the salty, sweet, none too healthy snacks that they’d collected earlier. “Shit…”
“What?”
Clint’s brow wrinkled a little. “What if there’s stuff in here that Bobbi shouldn’t have?”
“I’m sure the Tostitos are fine, Clint.” Pietro couldn’t stop his eyes from rolling.
“But are you sure?”
Clint’s concerned and slightly confused look was soon mirrored on Pietro’s face. “Umm… no, actually.”
The blonde just barely resisted the urge to bang his head on the table. “God, I’m going to suck at this…”
Pietro stared at him for a moment, but even at the speeds his brain tended to move at, he was having trouble coming up with anything constructive to say. “Do you want to go down to the bookstore and get a copy of What to Expect When You’re Expecting?”
It was Clint’s turn to roll his eyes. “No!” His tone suggested that this might be the dumbest thing that Pietro had ever said to him. Though a few seconds later, his cheeks flushed a little and he kicked the table leg. “At least, not yet.”
“You don’t even know for sure if she is pregnant.” Pietro tried to sound encouraging but he was never very good at such things and he was a little unclear on which side of things he should be encouraging about.
“I know…” Clint’s hand passed through his hair again. “I’m just… freaking out, I guess.”
“Well,” Pietro’s brain spun into action. He thought if they just laid everything out in the open, perhaps things wouldn’t seem quite so… bizarre. “I suppose Bobbi and I will be switching apartments.”
“What?” Clint’s brow furrowed further.
Pietro shrugged. “Well, I imagine you’d want her close by for all that first baby… stuff. Kicking and all that.”
“Oh… yeah, right.”
“And you’ll probably have to turn my room into the nursery. Lambs and duckies and pastels…”
“Uh-huh…”
Pietro shook his head, his brain kicking into a gear that only his brain could reach. “I don’t envy you the diapers and 3am feedings.” He pulled a face, but it only remained for a moment before something else occurred to him. “I’ve never understood how people have more than one child. How anyone can muster the energy for sex after all that, I’ll never know.”
“Can you please just shut up?” Clint swallowed thickly.
Pietro watched as the color drained from the archer’s face. “What? I just mean…”
“Can you get this stuff back to the apartment without me?”
“Of course I can.” Pietro looked mildly insulted by the question. “But where…”
“I just… I need to sort some of this out, I think.” Before the speedster could get another question out, Clint was out the door.
Pietro called after him a few times but the decision of whether or not to follow was made for him as their pizza appeared, hot and ready on the counter. “Damn it.” He was fairly sure that Bobbi would be far less upset about this if she were well fed.
~*~*~*~*~
Pietro opened the door to the apartment, relieved to find the girls not sitting on the couch waiting. “Ladies, I come bearing snacks and pizza!”
A strawberry blonde head poked out of the kitchen. “What kind of pizza?”
“Meat lovers.” Pietro shrugged and set the boxes and bags full of food on the coffee table as Bobbi and Crystal settled back onto the couch. He smiled at Bobbi for a second. “I thought that protein is more than likely important for a mother to be.”
“Right.” Bobbi shook her head and reached for the pizza box. “It had nothing to do with you two not wanting to pick veggies off your pizza, right?”
“Of course not.” Pietro started handing snacks to Crystal and laying things out on the table.
Bobbi looked behind her, eyes locked on the door for a moment before she stared hard at Pietro. “Where’s Clint?”
Pietro felt his heart rate pick up and he fiddled with one of the Twizzlers from the fresh pack Crystal had just opened, twining it between his fingers at an alarming speed until the candy snapped. “He… umm… he’llberightbackhejusthadtopickupafewmorethingsforyouandhedidn’twantthepizzatogetcoldandhethoughtyouwerehungrysohesentmebackand…”
“Pietro!” Bobbi’s voice rose, indicating, he was sure that she had 1) tried to get his attention a few times already, and 2) not expected to have to decipher his speed talking. “Where. Is. Clint?”
He wasn’t thinking. Apparently in a situation like this even having a brain that worked at five times the normal speed wasn’t going to help, so he just started talking. The first things that popped into his brain started spilling from between his lips. “SoIwasthinkingthatwe’reallreallycloseandallpracticallylivingtogetherandwhatwiththebabycomingandallweshouldallenjoyeachothertothefullestpossibleextentandmaybeevenifthisisafaulsealarmwecouldallworksomethingoutswitchthingsupand…”
He only stopped when he noticed the look of horror on both women’s faces.
“Okay…” Bobbi pinched the bridge of her nose and took a deep breath. “I know there were words in there. I’m pretty sure I picked up a few of them, and if I’m right, I really want to kick you right now.”
Pietro looked to Crystal, hoping against hope that somehow, she’d understand. His hopes were quickly dashed. “That makes two of us. Did you two talk about this? Oh my god!”
“No! NO! I just… I needed to…” he took a deep breath, his hands coming up to either tell them that he had an explanation or to ward off any blows coming his way. “I thought that I needed to distract you both and… well it was the first thing that popped into my head.”
Both women just stared at him for what felt like forever. Crystal’s mouth moved a few times before she could actually form the words. “Group sex was the first thing to pop into your head?”
“Well, he did have that bit about the pizza getting cold first.” Bobbi sighed heavily. Pietro resisted the urge to hug her, knowing full well that would absolutely not help the situation at all.
“So it’s pizza and then group sex?” Crystal’s brow crinkled before she started to shake her head. “I don’t know how I feel about this…”
“I think you’re missing the point.” Bobbi turned back to the speedster. “Pietro, where is Clint?”
Pietro swallowed hard. “Well, we were talking about everything and…”
“He freaked out, didn’t he?” Bobbi’s slice of pizza slapped down on the plate in front of her.
“Umm. A little, yes.”
She nodded and sighed. “Okay,” Bobbi pushed herself off the couch and waved back as she headed down the main hallway. “If you need me, I’ll be in my room.”
“But you didn’t eat anything!” Crystal only got half way through before the door clicked shut.
Bobbi’s words were muffled a little by her door. If not for the paper thin walls, Crystal might not have heard her. “I’ve lost my appetite.”
After a few moments, Crystal’s frown had deepened to the point where Pietro was starting to wonder if her face hurt. “I’m not hungry anymore either.” She tossed her piece of pizza down into the box.
Pietro stared at the food on the table and considered that, yes; he probably could make sure none of it went to waste. When he looked back to Crystal, her arms were crossed over her chest and she was leaning deep into the cushions of the couch. “What’s wrong?”
She stared at him like he’d grown another head. She jabbed her finger in the direction of Bobbi’s room. “She needs Clint here and he’s not! That’s what’s wrong!” Her tone reminded him of the tone he tended to use with nearly everyone; the one that suggested that they were obviously being insanely thick about something.
He settled in next to her. “I think it’s a little more complicated than that.”
“He ran away.” She glared at him with all the fury she’d no doubt direct at his friend when he came back. It was almost enough to make him pull back.
“He didn’t run…” Pietro tried to come up with some explanation for it all. “It’s a lot to process, I’m sure. He’ll be back.”
“How could he just leave like that?”
“I don’t know.”
Crystal studied him for a moment. “You’re his best friend and you don’t know why he freaked out?”
“I know why he freaked out, but no, I don’t know why he decided to take off.” Pietro shrugged and slipped an arm around Crystal, pulling her a little closer. “He’s not usually the type to run.”
“No, you’re better at that.” She rolled her eyes.
He stared down at her for a moment, trying to figure out if she was serious. There was no hint that she had lightened up and was teasing him. Well, damn. “Ha.” He settled back against the couch and resisted the urge to pout.
Crystal noticed the slight quiver of a wanting-to-pout bottom lip. “Oh, you know what I mean.” She rested her head on his shoulder a few moments later, when she spoke again, it took him by surprise. “Would you?”
“Would I what?”
“Run?” She tilted her head and looked up at him. “If… if it was us instead of them, would you run?”
Pietro stared out at the rest of the room for a moment. He knew of course what she wanted him to say. “No.” He finally answered. “It’s easy to say that obviously because it isn’t us, but, no. I don’t think I would.”
That seemed to break some of the tension; at least the tension between the two of them, and she snuggled into his arms. “It’s a little… I don’t know, surreal.” Her arms tightened around him for a moment. “Bobbi freaked out a little, and I guess I would too. I mean, a baby. That’s so huge! That’s a whole little person growing inside you!”
Pietro ran his fingers through her hair a few times before nodded. “Yeah…”
“And nine months sounds like such a long time, but… I mean, it’s really such a short time to grow an entire little person, and then…”
“And then it’s a baby, and you’re a parent.” Pietro pressed a kiss to her temple as she nodded.
“I don’t know if I’d freak out, or be happy or hit you…” she let out a soft chuckle. “Or all three.”
When she turned and looked up at him, he smiled and kissed her softly. “That might just depend on the hormones that day.”
“Probably.”
They stayed there, cuddled up and letting all the thoughts the conversation brought up spin through they’re brains. Pietro broke the silence first. “I’m starting to see why he ran…” Crystal sat up and glared at him, hand raised and ready to smack him, he grabbed her wrist before she could move and pressed a kiss to her pulse point. “I just mean, it would be a lot to process all at once. Some time to sort it out might not be a bad idea.”
She shook her head but didn’t pull away. “They should be sorting it all out together.”
“I agree.”
She laughed and looked up at him again. “Of course you do.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” He smirked at her.
“It means, Mr. Maximoff, that you have a keen sense of self preservation.”
His eyebrow rose and he stared down at her. “Oh really?”
Before she could reply his fingers had found each and every ticklish spot on her, and she was reduced to little more than giggles and ‘stop it’s. Any attempt to grab his wrists was thwarted, and she finally settled for grabbing his shoulders. “Oh, that’s it, mister!” She threw him off balance and he landed with a laugh on his back on the couch.
“Well, that simply isn’t playing fair!” He smirked up at her as she straddled him, pressing a kiss to his lips that he quickly deepened. Pietro almost had her out of her top when the door creaked open.