(no subject)
I should be studying...finishng up my reading so I can sell my books back tomorrow, but I can't bring myself to concentrate. I'm having a bad day. Nothing has gone wrong...its a bad day in the sense that I'm thinking about dj leaving and I'm getting scared again. I'm thinking about how it won't be the same anymore. I'm thinking about the fact that I may not hear from him for weeks at a time. I'm thinking about how he'll actually be in danger now. He won't be in italy anymore...where I knew he was safe, where I knew I could get suprise phone calls, where I knew the internet was sure to work and my day would be absolutely amazing because I could see him on the webcam....Next week I'll be worried out of my mind. If you know me, you definitely know I'm already the biggest worrier alive. But now, honestly, I don't know if I'll have enough in my to worry about anything else but him being over there. Dj knows this too...he knows how I am. He knows how stressful my life already is, and with him leaving that just tops it off. He said he has to KNOW I'll be okay. He said he has to know that because he needs to focus on his job over there and not be wondering if I'm ... idk... just not okay. I told him he doesn't have to worry about me at all, I'll be fine. I'll keep busy. He said he knows its how I am, but worrying will do me no good. He said I can't do anything about him being gone, about him being there, about him being in danger...so I need to just try to stay positive and know that he's coming home to me. he promised he's coming home. Deep down, with my entire being...I believe he's coming home. I know it. I just know it. So why can't I get these thoughts out of my head? Why can't I just be strong like I always am? I've handled all kinds of things in my life. My own mother didn't want me, my dad pays more attention to his own little family, my friends have always hurt me, school is completely stressing me out, i've been heartbroken countless times, i've been to the point where I didn't even want to exist anymore...why am I so terrified now? Why does this break me down more than all of the other things put together? Yes, I love him. I love him more than anything in the entire world...but shouldn't that love make me stronger than I have ever been before? I feel so screwed up. I've never been much of a crier...but I swear, sometimes I miss him so much I can't take it, someone will say something and it would usually not even bother me but now it makes me so incredibly upset...I don't know what to do with myself sometimes.
I need this to be easier.