(no subject)
hi. so, i'm finally okay i think. i've been a complete wreck since i had to leave dj...crying everyday (there were points where i couldn't even breathe...my heart just hurt and i couldn't take it anymore = uncontrollable crying). then after he left back to italy, i went a lil crazier because i didnt hear from him for 5 days. i thought i had really just lost it... i was letting EVERYTHING get to me. i'm usually so good with the upkeep of things, but this goodbye was way harder than i expected. probably because this time he's actually leaving and going somewhere dangerous. then, he finally called. we only got 2 min..but that 2 minutes fixed everything. i got to hear him say he was missing me so incredibly much (as much as i was missing him) and how much he loves me, can't wait to have me in his arms again, etc.
i think that's all i needed. i needed his voice again. i needed to just hear him, safe and sound. since then, i've been okay. still wanting a call everyday and being a disappointed when i didnt get one. but i was okay. and today i was great because i got a message on myspace :)
AND jessi is in town for dakotas bday. we went to lunch today...sushi :) then to the mall, good times. thennnn dinner at taco bell :) haha jessi eats out way too much. they're making me fatter this weekend. i've lost weight actually, which is nice. did it the wrong way, but oh well. wrong way meaning after leaving dj and coming back to a bunch of CRAP i lost my appetite. i lose my appetite when i'm sad, upset, stressed, etc. unlike most people who overeat. i just forget to eat. i dont get hungry. i ate once a day, easy mac or something close to that only because dj asked me to. but, i've got my appetite back so i'm fine.
um, school is almost done!!!!! i really need the break from the stress of this place. i'm glad...i'll be going home for two months until i can come back and move into my new apt. :) a few people want to see me when i come home. i feel special :) its nice having those people...the ones i had here completely changed. college got to them. they're drunks, whores, or just disappeared and i dont know what they are anymore.
oh well. i'm hoping next year will be way better. i'll have jessi to live with so that'll be great. :) i'll be exposed to new people, which will be nice. i'll be a mentor which will be great :) i'll get my puppy!! i'll have a job...good things.
bad thing = i'll be worried for the next 6-8 months until dj's R&R which is when he'll get 2 weeks and he wants to see only me...in cancun or cabo or somewhere like that. :D
then i'll just be worried for the next year after that.
people keep telling me he'll be okay, i believe that. i truly do. and dj promised me he's coming home to me. he said there's no other option. and he said he's never lied to me, hurt me, or broken a promise...and that he isn't ever going to. i know he's coming home to me. i know it. but i just CAN'T get that scary thought out of the back of my mind. how can i make that go away?
of course...
♥ he hugged me & said,
"don't worry, i'll come back for you.
we can take it right where we left off."
♥ He is irreplaceable.
♥ Being with you and not being with you is the only way I have to measure time.
♥ Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. You have to know that you're a good person & a good friend. What is meant to be will end up good & what isn’t, wont. Relationships are worth fighting for, but sometimes you can’t be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don’t, you must just move on & realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you. Hopefully, people realize great things when they come around & don’t lose something real. Always fight until you cant anymore, & then be fought for.
^^^ so yah, i've finally given up on dakota. the only reason i'm seeing him this weekend is because of jessi. jessi wanted to spend time with me, and of course dakota wants to be all over jessi so he comes too. she wanted to see me on his birthday haha he doesn't treat me the way he used to. we're barely acquaintances...not best friends like he says we are. i finally told him i'm tired of how he's being and i'm not going to try anymore...we were in the middle of this serious conversation and he goes, oh hey how do you put all...idk something about putting songs on the computer or something...i was like what?! we're sitting here talking about how you're being horrible and making me feel and you ask a stupid ass random question?! shows how serious he was taking our talk. so yah. i quit.
♥ vicki