Giving Up Hope & Saying Yes...
the situation w/ justin continues to get more & more complicated as we seem to have transformed into friends/fuck buddies. went out to the mall tonight w/ jb & hung out w/ him & a few other ppl. that's when justin showed ^ & attempted to hang out w/ us as well, but he says that he didn't feel wanted there so he wasn't there long. i really didn't try to make him feel unwanted... i'm just trying really hard to figure out how i'm supposed to act around him now. we left the mall & went over to chris's for a bit then came back to the mall to pick up my car. he was wantin me to stay over at papa smurf's but i think that'll havta b saved for next wkend. besides, i haven't picked my hair-dye up yet. lol. i'm goin over there for a bit tomorrow before he leaves again. *tear* & hopefully allowing him to leave. lmmfao. i'm havin some difficulty w/ the part where everyone has went so far away. granted i have a few ppl here that i could hang out w/ but i'm nowhere near as close to them as i am jb, w/ the exception of justin, who i haven't the slightest fucking clue where i stand w/.
i guess i'm gonna attempt to start dating again soon. not "serious" dating. not even anything touchy, just someone to be friends w/ & try to fill the void in my life/heart at the moment. like i said in my previous entry... i refuse to let the best thing in my life be the last good thing in it. i lost it on jb & came home a lil late tonight b/c i got a lil too upset to drive right. it just seems as though i was never supposed to have a someone. justin was w/ me for a few yrs & loved me alot, but still couldn't stand to stay w/ me & we used to have so many problems even before that night. even w/ the shit we went through i always thought that he was "the one," but apparently he wasn't & that makes me nervous to know that i could live the rest of my life or even die tomorrow never having that one & only. i've always been afraid of being alone. that's the reason me & georgee were so tight. we didn't have normal emotions towards ppl & couldn't even think about having a real relationship w/ someone so we had decided that we'd move in together & be inseparable for the rest of our natural born lives. now i've felt what it's like to have that feeling & i want it... i crave it... i need it. i need somebody to love me. maybe i'm "more in love w/ the idea of being in love" right now, but it's what i need. i just need someone to c me as their reason for getting out of bed in the morning. so i guess the next person decent person that asks me out i'll say yes to.
don't know what's going on
don't know what went wrong
feels like a hundred years i
still can't believe you're gone
so i'll stay up all night
w/ these bloodshot eyes
while these walls surround me w/ the story of our life
i feel so much better
now that u're gone forever
i tell myself that i don't miss u at all
i'm not lying, denying that i feel so much better now
that u're gone forever
now things are coming clear
& i don't need u here
& in this world around me
i'm glad u disappeared
so i'll stay out all night
get drunk & fucking fight
until the morning comes i'll
forget about our life
i feel so much better
now that u're gone forever
i tell myself that i don't miss u at all
i'm not lying, denying that i feel so much better now
that u're gone forever
first time u screamed at me
i should have made u leave
i should have known it could be so much better
i hope u're missing me
i hope i've made u see
that i'm gone forever
& now it's coming clear
that i don't need u here
& in this world around me
i'm glad u disappeared
i feel so much better
now that u're gone forever
i tell myself that i don't miss u at all
i'm not lying, denying that i feel so much better now
that u're gone forever
& now u're gone forever
& now u're gone forever