Pulling Out My Hair & Biting My Nails...
my baby may not be going to disney w/ me now (how great is that shit?) b/c we couldn't find a way for his back to hurt less & he doesn't wanna spend that much time in the hotel room. basically i'm completely out of someone to chill w/ there… no one to ride the rides w/, no one to talk to, no one to hang out w/, no one for me in disney world. i knew after martha & zack died i wouldn't have as much fun & i knew i wouldn't really have someone on alot of the rides. mom & dad r chickenshits. emy, michael katie, & kelly r still too lil. amy i already don't like. freddy would mostly be ridin shit w/ the kids b/c they're his kids. martha was the one i counted on riding alot of the rides w/, especially the ones @ the water parks since my baby hates the water when it's sunny. now it's just like i'm going to the state fair when i was 11... surrounded by all sorts of ppl having fun w/ their family & friends while i keep hoping that someone will step ^ & get on the same ride as me so they'll let me on b/c u had to have 2 ppl & i had no one to ride w/. i know the odds of me bumping into my friend/ex there are astronomical & highly unlikely; however, it appears that may be my only option for any type of companionship while in florida. i'll even put ^ w/ her gf just to have someone to chill w/ & take my mind off the fact that not only would i be there w/o martha & zack, but also that my baby wasn‘t supposed to have abandoned me.
anyway, new subject. i made my first confessional today while talking to eddie for like 2 hrs while my baby was passed out. it didn't go over the way i thought it would. in fact he just sortta stopped answering my msgs. almost like in shock or contemplation. god only knows wtf he was feeling/thinking @ that moment but that was around 6 & he hasn't said anything to me since. he comes back in 3 days @ which point i'll already be gone & chances r when i get back in 12 days he'll have left beckley again. i did however decide that jb was right about the whole thing. it all needed to come out & now nothing matters so i took the plunge & i pretty much sank like a rock & commenced to drowning.
my orientation went over well, still no idea of wtf to do about the whole college shit. know i'm takin ota (turns out mom grew ^ w/ my ota instructor… luckily they were friends & no fucking anybody over). no idea where i'll be living & all that good shit. there's just so many complications that i'm almost ready to say fuck it & just stay @ mom's for another 2 yrs or get a dorm. how bad could it be?
so here i sit writing to whoever the poor lost soul is that actually reads that shit, pulling out my hair & biting my nails while contemplating so many things. what to do about college? what to do about the house? what to do about the car? what to do about mr. e? did i do the right thing about the mr. e situation? did i just lose the sweetest friend i've ever had? is my baby ever gonna be my baby again? wtf am i gonna do in disney by myself? am i gonna bump into her in florida? will i be able to refrain from killing her new gf if i do? will memories ever stop haunting me? will my dreams ever stop fooling me? will i ever find a use for my lj other than to ask myself questions that i don't know the answers to?
hold me now i need to feel relief
like i never wanted anything
i suppose i'll let this go & find a reason i'll hold on to
i'm so ashamed of defeat
& i'm out of reason to believe in me
i'm out of trying to get by
i'm so afraid of the gift u give me
i don't belong here & i'm not well
i'm so ashamed of the lie i'm living
right on the wrong side of it all
i can't face myself when i wake up
& look inside a mirror
i'm so ashamed of that thing
i suppose i'll let it go
untill i have something more to say for me
i'm so afraid of defeat
& i'm out of reason to believe in me
i'm out of trying to defy
i'm so afraid of the gift u give me
i don't belong here & i'm not well
i'm so ashamed of the lie i'm living
right on the wrong side of it all
hold me now i need to feel complete
like i matter to the one i need
i'm so afraid of the gift u give me
i don't belong here & i'm not well
i'm so ashamed of the lie i'm living
right on the wrong side of it all
now i'm ashamed of this
i am so ashamed of this
now i'm so ashamed of this
i am so ashamed of me...