Goodbye Luke :'(
I wanted to take some time before writing this because I knew as soon as I started writing it, I was going to start breaking down. So, I'm not sure when exactly this is going to go up on my blog. OK, here we go. On Thursday, May 13th, we made the extremely difficult decision to have Luke put to sleep. Yes, I can't even explain how hard this is. It's just that he wasn't having a good quality of life anymore. That in of itself was difficult to determine because a part of him was still in there. He'd still be eating and drinking and still seemed to want to be around us, and would still beg for treats. He wasn't sick or anything. But over the past two or three years, his health began to decline. First he started losing his coordination in his hind legs, which progressed into spinal weakness, and by the end he couldn't stand for very long at all before laying down, and walking was a real struggle. He also developed incontinence probably due to his spinal problems. I talked about his poop accidents before on this blog I believe. It started becoming a major issue starting last year. Then in his final weeks he began peeing in the house too. My mom would put diapers on him sometimes before bed, but they'd occasionally soak through. We got puppy pads and rugs to deal with all of this, and my mom had to keep cleaning up after him every day. I knew he couldn't help it, but I felt like this wasn't fair on my mom, and it was just not sustainable.
The other health problems were less difficult, but still sad. He lost most of his hearing. I don't know when exactly this was. He couldn't hear you unless you talked really loudly. And when you let him outside you had to be careful not to forget about him because he no longer would scratch or jump on the door to alert you to let him back in. He all but stopped barking, panting or whining too. Because of the spinal degeneration, he couldn't wag his tail anymore. It would just hang there limply. He lost fur on his tail too. He just appeared tired and I know some life went out of his eyes except for in fleeting moments. Over the past couple of years, he wasn't the dog he once was anymore. He'd get mucus in his eyes and a crusty nose. We didn't see the vet about those things, but they were just more signs of his failing health most likely. I truly don't know how much longer he would have lingered on. He probably would have gotten so bad that he couldn't walk anymore. He was in bad shape as it is. He was also beginning to show signs of dementia: running into things, and outside he just seemed confused and would just pace up and down the backyard, not really knowing what to do with himself. But again this was still a really hard choice to make because of those small moments of joy he still seemed to have. I'd still give him pets and sometimes he would stretch out happily. He seemed most at peace when he was asleep, and that's all I wanted for him in the end.
It's probably the most humane thing we could do, rather than let him suffer. I had been agonizing over this all week, anxious and crying. It felt like the week had slowed down, but I didn't want it to end either. I was so worried about being traumatized by the experience. I had never had a pet put to sleep before. When my parents got Luke ready that afternoon, I didn't witness this, but they told me he suddenly seemed to get worse. He'd take a couple steps and collapse and seemed really disoriented. So, I wonder if deep down he knew. :( He could barely walk getting to the car, which just reaffirmed to me, this was probably the right decision. He had a diaper on, but it came off. We put the puppy pads in the backseat and my mom sat back there with him, comforting him. When we got to the vet's office, we found out we had to wait in the car first and call. They were still doing that because of the pandemic. We had to wait longer, which made things harder. Finally, someone came out and we got Luke out of the car, and he laid down on the parking lot. The girl asked if we needed a stretcher for Luke, and we thought that would be a good idea. I was concerned about Luke laying on the hot ground though, and he was panting, which he hadn't done for a while, so sadly I think he was in distress. So my parents tried to get him up again. Somehow he got some strength to walk across the parking lot as the employees rolled the stretcher up.
Then they had to pick him up, and he peed on the stretcher and the street. :( They strapped him down. It was kind of horrible, but when they got him in the room, he seemed to calm down more. This led into more waiting. The vet girl said they normally only allowed two people in the room because of COVID, but we said we were vaccinated, so she let all three of us in. My dad would have waited outside though. My mom and I pet Luke and would kiss his head. We had to wait a while before the girl came in to give him the sedative first. I knew he was already tired by this point, and it didn't take long at all before he was out. You could pet him, and he wouldn't react. He might as well have been gone already. :'( But we would keep petting him. There was more waiting and just watching him breathe. He didn't breathe lightly either. I suspect probably because of a health condition, but it was the main sign he was still alive. Strangely at some point his cheeks would puff out as he breathed and make a couple strange noises. I felt mostly nothing during this whole process. Finally, the guy who was going to administer the anaesthetic came in. When he started injecting him with it, is when I started tearing up, but didn't go into full on bawling. That came later. My view was mostly obstructed, but I did see Luke take his last breath. It was pretty quick. And fortunately, I'm positive he was unaware of anything and just went peacefully. It was hard to witness, but not as hard as I was expecting it to be. For the most part, it was pretty peaceful. My mom and I gave Luke our final pets. I didn't (couldn't) say anything, and left without looking back. The drive home was completely silent. My mom and I were devastated.
I walked back up the stairs to my room and felt completely numb. I laid on my bed and stared at the ceiling for few minutes. It's been a few days now, and I still cry off and on. The hardest part is expecting Luke to be in the house when he's just not. Now it feels so empty and quiet. Every morning I would come downstairs and give Luke some love before having breakfast. Now I can't, and it's like a punch to the gut. It really feels like I've lost a piece of me. I miss him so much. I'm also scared I'm going to forget him. How he used to be, and what he looks like, which sounds ridiculous, but I just want to hold on to him. I do have quite a few photos of Luke. All digital, so I'm probably going to save them on a flash drive. And we are going to be getting a plaster of his paw print(s) eventually, so at least we'll have that. It might be difficult for me to look at though. Just looking at his photos are hard, but comforting at the same time. Now when my parents are out of the house, I feel really alone because he's not there. I can't go to him when I'm sad.
It's going to take a long time to go through this grief. I've lost a lot of pet rats over the years, and I was always heartbroken over them for a little while, but it just doesn't compare to this. This is simply heart wrenching. We rescued Luke, a 6 month old Catahoula Leopard puppy, back in 2006. He would have been 15.5 years old in June. It was a long time to have a dog, and I'm so grateful he didn't have any problems and most of those years were great. It's hard to recall the good times sadly because the last few years were harder. They actually feel longer than they probably were, but I'm sure he continued to love us within the capacity he could. And I have to make sure his memory lives on. Goodbye Luke. Thank you for your wonderful companionship, even though you really didn't like strangers or Grammy lol.
Now that I'm going to be fully vaccinated on Friday, I will be able to do more things. The problem is will I be in the mood to do those things? The pain of Luke's passing is still so raw, and I don't know if I can actually enjoy myself yet. Certain things are always going to remind me of him. My dad already took down the doggie gates, and I'm gutted. We still have his food and treats, which will probably be donated, and the dog bowls. So, it's kind of a constant reminder. I'm sure it will get a bit easier, but I need more time. Would I get another dog someday? I'd like to. Obviously I'm not ready and it's way too soon for that. I'm not even sure if my parents would let me until the house gets fixed up anyway. But someday, I'd like to rescue another (smaller) bundle of joy, even knowing I'd have to go through this grief all over again. I think it's still worth it.
Somehow I wrote all of this without crying too much, but it still really hurts. I still can't believe he's gone. Hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I have to have faith it will get better though. Through all of this my dad seems barely affected by it though. I don't think he had that attachment like my mom and I had. My mom's taking it really hard too since she was around Luke the most. My dad will probably never understand it though and I hope he won't one day say, “you're not over Luke yet?” because you can't really put a time limit on grief. I'm glad I have my mom to talk to about it too because we're both going through it together, and it helps to talk about it.
The other health problems were less difficult, but still sad. He lost most of his hearing. I don't know when exactly this was. He couldn't hear you unless you talked really loudly. And when you let him outside you had to be careful not to forget about him because he no longer would scratch or jump on the door to alert you to let him back in. He all but stopped barking, panting or whining too. Because of the spinal degeneration, he couldn't wag his tail anymore. It would just hang there limply. He lost fur on his tail too. He just appeared tired and I know some life went out of his eyes except for in fleeting moments. Over the past couple of years, he wasn't the dog he once was anymore. He'd get mucus in his eyes and a crusty nose. We didn't see the vet about those things, but they were just more signs of his failing health most likely. I truly don't know how much longer he would have lingered on. He probably would have gotten so bad that he couldn't walk anymore. He was in bad shape as it is. He was also beginning to show signs of dementia: running into things, and outside he just seemed confused and would just pace up and down the backyard, not really knowing what to do with himself. But again this was still a really hard choice to make because of those small moments of joy he still seemed to have. I'd still give him pets and sometimes he would stretch out happily. He seemed most at peace when he was asleep, and that's all I wanted for him in the end.
It's probably the most humane thing we could do, rather than let him suffer. I had been agonizing over this all week, anxious and crying. It felt like the week had slowed down, but I didn't want it to end either. I was so worried about being traumatized by the experience. I had never had a pet put to sleep before. When my parents got Luke ready that afternoon, I didn't witness this, but they told me he suddenly seemed to get worse. He'd take a couple steps and collapse and seemed really disoriented. So, I wonder if deep down he knew. :( He could barely walk getting to the car, which just reaffirmed to me, this was probably the right decision. He had a diaper on, but it came off. We put the puppy pads in the backseat and my mom sat back there with him, comforting him. When we got to the vet's office, we found out we had to wait in the car first and call. They were still doing that because of the pandemic. We had to wait longer, which made things harder. Finally, someone came out and we got Luke out of the car, and he laid down on the parking lot. The girl asked if we needed a stretcher for Luke, and we thought that would be a good idea. I was concerned about Luke laying on the hot ground though, and he was panting, which he hadn't done for a while, so sadly I think he was in distress. So my parents tried to get him up again. Somehow he got some strength to walk across the parking lot as the employees rolled the stretcher up.
Then they had to pick him up, and he peed on the stretcher and the street. :( They strapped him down. It was kind of horrible, but when they got him in the room, he seemed to calm down more. This led into more waiting. The vet girl said they normally only allowed two people in the room because of COVID, but we said we were vaccinated, so she let all three of us in. My dad would have waited outside though. My mom and I pet Luke and would kiss his head. We had to wait a while before the girl came in to give him the sedative first. I knew he was already tired by this point, and it didn't take long at all before he was out. You could pet him, and he wouldn't react. He might as well have been gone already. :'( But we would keep petting him. There was more waiting and just watching him breathe. He didn't breathe lightly either. I suspect probably because of a health condition, but it was the main sign he was still alive. Strangely at some point his cheeks would puff out as he breathed and make a couple strange noises. I felt mostly nothing during this whole process. Finally, the guy who was going to administer the anaesthetic came in. When he started injecting him with it, is when I started tearing up, but didn't go into full on bawling. That came later. My view was mostly obstructed, but I did see Luke take his last breath. It was pretty quick. And fortunately, I'm positive he was unaware of anything and just went peacefully. It was hard to witness, but not as hard as I was expecting it to be. For the most part, it was pretty peaceful. My mom and I gave Luke our final pets. I didn't (couldn't) say anything, and left without looking back. The drive home was completely silent. My mom and I were devastated.
I walked back up the stairs to my room and felt completely numb. I laid on my bed and stared at the ceiling for few minutes. It's been a few days now, and I still cry off and on. The hardest part is expecting Luke to be in the house when he's just not. Now it feels so empty and quiet. Every morning I would come downstairs and give Luke some love before having breakfast. Now I can't, and it's like a punch to the gut. It really feels like I've lost a piece of me. I miss him so much. I'm also scared I'm going to forget him. How he used to be, and what he looks like, which sounds ridiculous, but I just want to hold on to him. I do have quite a few photos of Luke. All digital, so I'm probably going to save them on a flash drive. And we are going to be getting a plaster of his paw print(s) eventually, so at least we'll have that. It might be difficult for me to look at though. Just looking at his photos are hard, but comforting at the same time. Now when my parents are out of the house, I feel really alone because he's not there. I can't go to him when I'm sad.
It's going to take a long time to go through this grief. I've lost a lot of pet rats over the years, and I was always heartbroken over them for a little while, but it just doesn't compare to this. This is simply heart wrenching. We rescued Luke, a 6 month old Catahoula Leopard puppy, back in 2006. He would have been 15.5 years old in June. It was a long time to have a dog, and I'm so grateful he didn't have any problems and most of those years were great. It's hard to recall the good times sadly because the last few years were harder. They actually feel longer than they probably were, but I'm sure he continued to love us within the capacity he could. And I have to make sure his memory lives on. Goodbye Luke. Thank you for your wonderful companionship, even though you really didn't like strangers or Grammy lol.
Now that I'm going to be fully vaccinated on Friday, I will be able to do more things. The problem is will I be in the mood to do those things? The pain of Luke's passing is still so raw, and I don't know if I can actually enjoy myself yet. Certain things are always going to remind me of him. My dad already took down the doggie gates, and I'm gutted. We still have his food and treats, which will probably be donated, and the dog bowls. So, it's kind of a constant reminder. I'm sure it will get a bit easier, but I need more time. Would I get another dog someday? I'd like to. Obviously I'm not ready and it's way too soon for that. I'm not even sure if my parents would let me until the house gets fixed up anyway. But someday, I'd like to rescue another (smaller) bundle of joy, even knowing I'd have to go through this grief all over again. I think it's still worth it.
Somehow I wrote all of this without crying too much, but it still really hurts. I still can't believe he's gone. Hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I have to have faith it will get better though. Through all of this my dad seems barely affected by it though. I don't think he had that attachment like my mom and I had. My mom's taking it really hard too since she was around Luke the most. My dad will probably never understand it though and I hope he won't one day say, “you're not over Luke yet?” because you can't really put a time limit on grief. I'm glad I have my mom to talk to about it too because we're both going through it together, and it helps to talk about it.