Choose to be Alone
When I heard that my cousin Paul was coming over, I chose to hide in my room. I read for a long time, and then when I heard him outside I peeked out the window a few times. I saw Luke barking at him. He didn't like him because he looked like a thug. He's a nice guy really, just made a few bad decisions. Smoking being one of them. Though I can't say I blame him because his mother is a terrible person, which is another story. I chose to stay in my room untill my mom asked me to say hi to him. I didn't really want to go, but I said ok anyways. We went outside and I actually said hi to him first. Saying hi is very difficult. In fact opening my mouth to utter a sound for me is difficult with people I don't know well.
I know Paul of course, but I'm never around him, so it is almost as if I don't know him. If I'm not constantly surrounded by people I never know them, and therefore I freeze up and can't talk. I wonder sometimes if I may be selectively mute. If in a conversation however, and a subject of my interest comes up I can usually say something, but if I'm not interested I won't say a word.
So after saying Hi to Paul, my mom mentioned how I had just turned 21, and he asked me if I had drinks. My mom answered for me and said no, that I wasn't into that. He says I wish I was 21, and drinking. The conversation about ends there. I have nothing else to say, nor have anything to add to that. So, then I see Luke and play with him a bit, and then I head inside.
Why do I choose to be alone? I think it's mostly because I'm an introvert, but maybe it's also because I can't relate to the average Joe, or I don't want them to ask me personal questions so they get to know me. I don't want them to know me maybe because I'm so different to them. People don't seem to like different. Being alone gives me peace, that being with people doesn't. I can't act "normal" because I really don't want to and it's incredibly difficult. But then, I don't really know what "normal" is. Nobody's "normal." Just being me is comforting, being fake is not.
If people really wanted to know me then they would ask me. I would tell the truth because I can't really lie. The most I can do is a white lie, and I call that more of avoiding the truth, but not necessarily lying. I think lying is a big reason people have trust issues. Many people go to jail because they are not to be trusted because they lie. If everyone started off telling the truth from the start, and no one lied perhaps there wouldn't be trust issues, and maybe less people having to go to jail. Maybe. I know people will always lie though because they fear truth.
Anyways I didn't know that this entry would become this long, when I was just going to talk about me talking to my cousin, but I guess when things come into to my head I want to write them down. That's all I have to say.
I know Paul of course, but I'm never around him, so it is almost as if I don't know him. If I'm not constantly surrounded by people I never know them, and therefore I freeze up and can't talk. I wonder sometimes if I may be selectively mute. If in a conversation however, and a subject of my interest comes up I can usually say something, but if I'm not interested I won't say a word.
So after saying Hi to Paul, my mom mentioned how I had just turned 21, and he asked me if I had drinks. My mom answered for me and said no, that I wasn't into that. He says I wish I was 21, and drinking. The conversation about ends there. I have nothing else to say, nor have anything to add to that. So, then I see Luke and play with him a bit, and then I head inside.
Why do I choose to be alone? I think it's mostly because I'm an introvert, but maybe it's also because I can't relate to the average Joe, or I don't want them to ask me personal questions so they get to know me. I don't want them to know me maybe because I'm so different to them. People don't seem to like different. Being alone gives me peace, that being with people doesn't. I can't act "normal" because I really don't want to and it's incredibly difficult. But then, I don't really know what "normal" is. Nobody's "normal." Just being me is comforting, being fake is not.
If people really wanted to know me then they would ask me. I would tell the truth because I can't really lie. The most I can do is a white lie, and I call that more of avoiding the truth, but not necessarily lying. I think lying is a big reason people have trust issues. Many people go to jail because they are not to be trusted because they lie. If everyone started off telling the truth from the start, and no one lied perhaps there wouldn't be trust issues, and maybe less people having to go to jail. Maybe. I know people will always lie though because they fear truth.
Anyways I didn't know that this entry would become this long, when I was just going to talk about me talking to my cousin, but I guess when things come into to my head I want to write them down. That's all I have to say.