the fun people have while naked in bed (not a TMI story)
Summer has taken to barking at things lately. Now, since we no longer own a house and instead have upstairs neighbors, we're obligated to stop her from barking for the sake of said neighbors.
~3:30am, Summer starts barking. I get up to tell her the possum isn't going to be attacking us tonight. She insists that whatever is in our yard is not supposed to be there. In fact, she won't follow me back to our room even though I'm calling her. So I eventually grab her collar, and drag her back to the back bedroom(where we sleep), and tell her to lay down and go to sleep. Since Sarah has been having allergy issues, we close the bedroom door and turn on an air purifier. I went ahead and closed the door, even though half of what she's allergic to (dog) was in the room with us now.
<4:00am, Summer goes crazy. I open my eyes and mumble something about her barking, only to see...
...someone in the house. The bed in the bedroom is positioned such that if the bedroom door is open, I can see down the hallway and to the opposite side of the house. Summer is barking - but, that's about all she's doing. I quietly look for some shorts, as the person is walking out of the house. Walking down the hall, I see the front door is open and Summer is wandering around near the peach tree (yay - awesome, considering how many whole peaches she's eaten recently, and how the pits nearly killed her). So I go outside and see...a guy wandering around our yard. I slam the door behind me as I say "Um...what the hell are you doing here?"
"I don't know."
"Why the hell are you in my yard?"
"I dunno man - some friends just dropped me off here."
"So you thought you'd walk in to someone else's FUCKING HOUSE?"
"Relax man - I'm just looking for my flip-flops" he said, reaching for the door handle behind me.
"You are NOT going back in my HOUSE. Are you INSANE? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?"
"Relax dude, chill - see? Your dog likes me. It's all ok."
Summer of course has done her duty to alert me there was a noise, and is now busy - running around the yard, and occasionally coming up to us and licking us.
"It is NOT OK, YOU WERE JUST IN MY HOUSE AND YOU ARE STILL IN MY YARD."
"Relax man - I'm just looking for my flip flops" he says again, moving again toward the door.
Stepping in to block, I repeat "YOU ARE NOT GOING BACK IN MY HOUSE! I DON'T CARE IF YOUR FLIP FLOPS ARE IN THERE, YOU'RE GOING TO LEAVE *NOW* AND YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO GET NEW ONES. NOW!"
"Dude - only only one of us is yelling. That should tell you something."
"Of course I'm yelling, YOU WERE JUST IN MY FUCKING HOUSE AND I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE!"
"Dude - relax man - it's ok."
"Stop telling me to relax when there was some strange man walking around in my house. Would you like it if I went in to your house and wandered around inside it while you were asleep?"
"Sure man - I don't care."
"Well then you obviously don't have a family, and you're stupid. We're going to call the cops, you best be leaving."
"I don't care man - call them. I'm just walking around is all."
"You were walking around INSIDE SOME STRANGERS HOUSE. SARAH, ARE YOU CALLING THE POLICE YET?" I yelled back toward the house, finally content this person was too stoned and too stupid to be a physical threat.
"Yes - I'm on with them" she responds timidly from the other side of the door, not sure what's going on.
"Dude - it's ok - relax man" the stoner says.
"It is not ok. In civilized society you do not just walk in to someone's house. Why are you still in my yard?"
"I don't know how to leave, man"
"You leave the same way you came in - through the gate. Now."
"I need to find my flip flops, man."
"No, you need to leave, NOW. Get the HELL out of my yard. NOW" I forcefully state, opening the gate and telling Summer to sit (for fear she'd run out the gate).
"Alright man, I'm leaving. Relax dude."
Our place is a triplex condo thingy - we have 2 parking spaces and a garage. Our upstairs neighbors have 1 parking space each - but, their place is half the size of ours (we're the bottom half, their half each of the top half). To get to the door to come in our house, you have to walk around the back side of the condo, through a gate, and then you're at our main door. So when I say I watched him walk away, it was really just as he was walking around the side back to the front of the building - at which point I could no longer see him.
As I walked back inside, Sarah hands me the phone. "They want to talk to you."
"Hello, can you tell us what happened?"
"Yes, there was a man we didn't know inside our house."
"Where in the house was he?"
"When I woke up, I was able to see..."
"Sir, I just need to know where he was in your house."
"I'm trying to tell you. When I woke up, I was able to see him wandering down the hall away from the bedroom. The bedroom door was wide open, but I had shut it when I went to sleep. So either he opened the door himself, or our dog opened it right before she ran up to him and starting licking him to death."
"Where in the house is that."
"Our bedroom is the furthest part of the house from the front door. He went through the whole place to get to our bedroom."
"Alright sir, what did he look like?"
"220-230 pounds, tanned?"
"About what age? 30 - 40 - 50?"
"I can't..."
"Just guess sir, it doesn't have to be perfect."
"About 30."
"Long hair, or short?"
"Short - dark brown."
"What was he wearing?"
"I can't be sure - it was dark, and I was just seeing red because I was furious."
"red tshirt? Shorts? Anything?"
"Button down shirt, light brown. And shorts. No shoes."
"Was he intoxicated?"
"He didn't appear to be drunk, but he was very definitely stoned."
"Alright sir - next time, it would be helpful to try to keep him there."
"In my house?" I quiz, shocked I was just told this.
"No, in your front yard perhaps."
"Oh, well our door is in the back yard, and I didn't want to be in a place no one else could see with a stoned person."
"Alright sir, Sheriff deputies should be there shortly."
So now I did what any manly man in my position would do after the wife was safe - I went out looking for him. After all, the cops are on the way, and I'm locking the door behind me. I got to the street and was surrounded by 4 cop cars. "I'm the one that called it in - I'm just looking for him."
"Where did you last see him go?"
"Well I live on the back..."
"yes sir, where did you see him go though?"
"My front door is on the back side of the building. All I saw was him go past the side of the building, at that point I could see nothing more."
"So he could still be down here?" the police officer asked, motioning down the mini-street that leads to several different driveways for the 5 different condo buildings next to me.
"Yes, for all I know. I had to get off the phone first and then stupidly forgot my glasses, so I can't even see. I just thought I'd find the guy since I was told I shouldn't have let him leave" I responded, hoping my snark wasn't obvious.
"So he's wearing red shorts?"
"...no, I told the dispatcher that I was furious and everything looked red - but that otherwise, it was dark and I couldn't really make out colors. Shorts, no shoes, button down shirt. 230lbs, tanned, short dark hair."
"Ok. There is a guy passed out in the park, but he doesn't fit the description."
"Alright, well I'm going to go back and get my glasses."
Back inside, I yell for Sarah to unlock the door and hand me my glasses - since the door was locked and I didn't have a key. Then I wandered around looking for the guy again - curious about the passed out guy - only to be told by the police that I should go back home at this point.
Back in bed, Sarah asks "so, what happened? I just heard the door slam, then nothing for a while."
"I...what?"
"You slammed the door, then there was nothing for a while, then eventually you started yelling."
"I woke up, and saw him in the hall walking away from the bedroom."
Sarah paused, a bit shocked. "Why didn't you say something to me? All I saw was you get up, put on some shorts, walk down the hall, and slam the door! I had no idea someone was actually in our house!"
"So you wanted me to alert the strange man walking around in our house that my wife - who is naked, laying in a bed - is here too? That it wasn't just me in the house? I had no idea who this person was. I didn't want to say anything to you because that would tell him you were here."
"Ok, that's fair - then what happened? You slammed the door and I didn't hear anything for a while."
"I think your mind may have made it seem longer than it really was. I asked him what he was doing, he said he was looking for his flip flops, and then I started yelling. I wanted to size him up first before I started yelling - I needed to know if it was going to set him off, and I wanted to first try to see if he had a weapon. Once I was sure he didn't, I was yelling so you would know to call the police, and so our neighbors would know something was going on too. That's why I kept repeating that he had come in the house."
"Oh, I couldn't really understand what you were saying, I just heard you yelling. So what did the police officer ask?"
"Ug - something obvious, which I was too stupid to be able to tell them. How do I quickly tell them I don't have a visual memory? I sized him up for things I'd need to know if he attacked me. The color of his shirt didn't fall in to that category."
Anyway, an adventure. For some reason, I wasn't able to go back to sleep. I tried. Normally, I fall asleep on command. Maybe I really do need to just relax, man.
By the way - becoming like this guy is the reason people shouldn't do drugs. Just sayin.
~3:30am, Summer starts barking. I get up to tell her the possum isn't going to be attacking us tonight. She insists that whatever is in our yard is not supposed to be there. In fact, she won't follow me back to our room even though I'm calling her. So I eventually grab her collar, and drag her back to the back bedroom(where we sleep), and tell her to lay down and go to sleep. Since Sarah has been having allergy issues, we close the bedroom door and turn on an air purifier. I went ahead and closed the door, even though half of what she's allergic to (dog) was in the room with us now.
<4:00am, Summer goes crazy. I open my eyes and mumble something about her barking, only to see...
...someone in the house. The bed in the bedroom is positioned such that if the bedroom door is open, I can see down the hallway and to the opposite side of the house. Summer is barking - but, that's about all she's doing. I quietly look for some shorts, as the person is walking out of the house. Walking down the hall, I see the front door is open and Summer is wandering around near the peach tree (yay - awesome, considering how many whole peaches she's eaten recently, and how the pits nearly killed her). So I go outside and see...a guy wandering around our yard. I slam the door behind me as I say "Um...what the hell are you doing here?"
"I don't know."
"Why the hell are you in my yard?"
"I dunno man - some friends just dropped me off here."
"So you thought you'd walk in to someone else's FUCKING HOUSE?"
"Relax man - I'm just looking for my flip-flops" he said, reaching for the door handle behind me.
"You are NOT going back in my HOUSE. Are you INSANE? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?"
"Relax dude, chill - see? Your dog likes me. It's all ok."
Summer of course has done her duty to alert me there was a noise, and is now busy - running around the yard, and occasionally coming up to us and licking us.
"It is NOT OK, YOU WERE JUST IN MY HOUSE AND YOU ARE STILL IN MY YARD."
"Relax man - I'm just looking for my flip flops" he says again, moving again toward the door.
Stepping in to block, I repeat "YOU ARE NOT GOING BACK IN MY HOUSE! I DON'T CARE IF YOUR FLIP FLOPS ARE IN THERE, YOU'RE GOING TO LEAVE *NOW* AND YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO GET NEW ONES. NOW!"
"Dude - only only one of us is yelling. That should tell you something."
"Of course I'm yelling, YOU WERE JUST IN MY FUCKING HOUSE AND I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE!"
"Dude - relax man - it's ok."
"Stop telling me to relax when there was some strange man walking around in my house. Would you like it if I went in to your house and wandered around inside it while you were asleep?"
"Sure man - I don't care."
"Well then you obviously don't have a family, and you're stupid. We're going to call the cops, you best be leaving."
"I don't care man - call them. I'm just walking around is all."
"You were walking around INSIDE SOME STRANGERS HOUSE. SARAH, ARE YOU CALLING THE POLICE YET?" I yelled back toward the house, finally content this person was too stoned and too stupid to be a physical threat.
"Yes - I'm on with them" she responds timidly from the other side of the door, not sure what's going on.
"Dude - it's ok - relax man" the stoner says.
"It is not ok. In civilized society you do not just walk in to someone's house. Why are you still in my yard?"
"I don't know how to leave, man"
"You leave the same way you came in - through the gate. Now."
"I need to find my flip flops, man."
"No, you need to leave, NOW. Get the HELL out of my yard. NOW" I forcefully state, opening the gate and telling Summer to sit (for fear she'd run out the gate).
"Alright man, I'm leaving. Relax dude."
Our place is a triplex condo thingy - we have 2 parking spaces and a garage. Our upstairs neighbors have 1 parking space each - but, their place is half the size of ours (we're the bottom half, their half each of the top half). To get to the door to come in our house, you have to walk around the back side of the condo, through a gate, and then you're at our main door. So when I say I watched him walk away, it was really just as he was walking around the side back to the front of the building - at which point I could no longer see him.
As I walked back inside, Sarah hands me the phone. "They want to talk to you."
"Hello, can you tell us what happened?"
"Yes, there was a man we didn't know inside our house."
"Where in the house was he?"
"When I woke up, I was able to see..."
"Sir, I just need to know where he was in your house."
"I'm trying to tell you. When I woke up, I was able to see him wandering down the hall away from the bedroom. The bedroom door was wide open, but I had shut it when I went to sleep. So either he opened the door himself, or our dog opened it right before she ran up to him and starting licking him to death."
"Where in the house is that."
"Our bedroom is the furthest part of the house from the front door. He went through the whole place to get to our bedroom."
"Alright sir, what did he look like?"
"220-230 pounds, tanned?"
"About what age? 30 - 40 - 50?"
"I can't..."
"Just guess sir, it doesn't have to be perfect."
"About 30."
"Long hair, or short?"
"Short - dark brown."
"What was he wearing?"
"I can't be sure - it was dark, and I was just seeing red because I was furious."
"red tshirt? Shorts? Anything?"
"Button down shirt, light brown. And shorts. No shoes."
"Was he intoxicated?"
"He didn't appear to be drunk, but he was very definitely stoned."
"Alright sir - next time, it would be helpful to try to keep him there."
"In my house?" I quiz, shocked I was just told this.
"No, in your front yard perhaps."
"Oh, well our door is in the back yard, and I didn't want to be in a place no one else could see with a stoned person."
"Alright sir, Sheriff deputies should be there shortly."
So now I did what any manly man in my position would do after the wife was safe - I went out looking for him. After all, the cops are on the way, and I'm locking the door behind me. I got to the street and was surrounded by 4 cop cars. "I'm the one that called it in - I'm just looking for him."
"Where did you last see him go?"
"Well I live on the back..."
"yes sir, where did you see him go though?"
"My front door is on the back side of the building. All I saw was him go past the side of the building, at that point I could see nothing more."
"So he could still be down here?" the police officer asked, motioning down the mini-street that leads to several different driveways for the 5 different condo buildings next to me.
"Yes, for all I know. I had to get off the phone first and then stupidly forgot my glasses, so I can't even see. I just thought I'd find the guy since I was told I shouldn't have let him leave" I responded, hoping my snark wasn't obvious.
"So he's wearing red shorts?"
"...no, I told the dispatcher that I was furious and everything looked red - but that otherwise, it was dark and I couldn't really make out colors. Shorts, no shoes, button down shirt. 230lbs, tanned, short dark hair."
"Ok. There is a guy passed out in the park, but he doesn't fit the description."
"Alright, well I'm going to go back and get my glasses."
Back inside, I yell for Sarah to unlock the door and hand me my glasses - since the door was locked and I didn't have a key. Then I wandered around looking for the guy again - curious about the passed out guy - only to be told by the police that I should go back home at this point.
Back in bed, Sarah asks "so, what happened? I just heard the door slam, then nothing for a while."
"I...what?"
"You slammed the door, then there was nothing for a while, then eventually you started yelling."
"I woke up, and saw him in the hall walking away from the bedroom."
Sarah paused, a bit shocked. "Why didn't you say something to me? All I saw was you get up, put on some shorts, walk down the hall, and slam the door! I had no idea someone was actually in our house!"
"So you wanted me to alert the strange man walking around in our house that my wife - who is naked, laying in a bed - is here too? That it wasn't just me in the house? I had no idea who this person was. I didn't want to say anything to you because that would tell him you were here."
"Ok, that's fair - then what happened? You slammed the door and I didn't hear anything for a while."
"I think your mind may have made it seem longer than it really was. I asked him what he was doing, he said he was looking for his flip flops, and then I started yelling. I wanted to size him up first before I started yelling - I needed to know if it was going to set him off, and I wanted to first try to see if he had a weapon. Once I was sure he didn't, I was yelling so you would know to call the police, and so our neighbors would know something was going on too. That's why I kept repeating that he had come in the house."
"Oh, I couldn't really understand what you were saying, I just heard you yelling. So what did the police officer ask?"
"Ug - something obvious, which I was too stupid to be able to tell them. How do I quickly tell them I don't have a visual memory? I sized him up for things I'd need to know if he attacked me. The color of his shirt didn't fall in to that category."
Anyway, an adventure. For some reason, I wasn't able to go back to sleep. I tried. Normally, I fall asleep on command. Maybe I really do need to just relax, man.
By the way - becoming like this guy is the reason people shouldn't do drugs. Just sayin.