Wow...
So, reading back on all of the ridiculous entries I made years ago (excluding the one made in September of 2010) I can honestly say that
1. I was not a happy child, and maybe that has a lot to do with how I am as a young woman.
2. I miss my best friend.
3. I used to think those were innocent days, but in all reality the innocent days were when I was just learning to walk and couldn't comprehend the shit that actually had happened in life.
Even though I was an angry and sad child/teenager, I can honestly say that I envy me back then. I never worried about the lack of friends or the lonliness that I feel now.
I miss having silly and irrelevent things to concern myself with. I miss the days where hating Newberry was all I really had to even worry about. Now I worry about money, college,where I'm going in life, and whether I will be shunned forever by the people who I thought to be my closest friends.
Family wise, things have gotten much better. I love my mother more than words can ever say. Tom as well. It's the whole "friends" thing that I'm having trouble with. I would do anything they asked me to, whether we were fighting or not, if they truly needed the help. Maybe that's what my flaw is. Putting others before myself? I'm not sure, because I'm certain I put me before others in certain scenarios. I feel in order to be let go as a friend you have to have done something horrific. Yes, you can get angry and you can choose not to speak for a couple of weeks, but forgiveness is key in relationships. Not everyone is perfect. I realize that. I choose not to lose the people who have been by my side over some silly nonsense. Things get said, and they hurt people but we get over it in time. To feel the lonliness I feel at this moment is probably the worst punishment to befall anyone. Feeling as though nobody has your back. Feeling vulnerable, down and out. Never leaving your room, because hey? what's the point? Nobody actually cares.
And yes. I guess I'm a little "crazy". Things have happened in my past that have made me that way. My biggest fear is losing everyone that I'm closest to, and that has recently happened to me in a way. Forgiveness has not come easily for something that is minimal. Which makes me think that there is something more to it. I'm being pushed away for a reason. What that reason is? I have no idea. Do I like it? No. Am I accepting it? Unfortunately, yes. It's a trend in my life. People leave me and blame me for the silliest of things. It's been that way for as long as I can remember.
If a father can blame his daughter for wanting to die, why can't someone else who isn't blood come up with a far less serious reason to push you out of their lives?
Maybe if I actually got out this pent up aggression, anger, and sadness that has been there since I was 4 years old, out of my system I would be a better person. Maybe I wouldn't be so stupid, and reckless. Everything that happens to me, I blame on myself. Regardless if maybe it did have someone else involved. If it did, I chose to have that specific someone in my life, and I chose for them to have an influence. It's just the consequences to my actions.
And reading back on how I felt years ago, how did nobody know? How did my parents not see?
I don't like what I read. I don't like who I was, and I'm contemplating whether I like certain parts of who I am now.
I want to know what pure happiness feels like, and I want to know if that's even possible.