(no subject)
no... i have not fallen off the face of the earth. yes... i am alive. yes... i work 80 hours a week. no... i don't ever have time for anything but work. yes... i do miss my friends and having a life like crazy.
everybody tells me that i'm lucky as hell. that i have a great job, making good money. i dont really have any bills...yada yada yada.
so why dont i feel lucky as hell? i have a job, that i work my life away at, i am the office slave. and the best part, im prolly gonna be stuck here forever. "family business, keep it in the family."
I told them that i wanted to go back to school and i got laughed at. if i remember correctly, i got my ass chewed out when i dropped out of school.
sure, im making really good money, more money then most adults make. only problem, i dont ever have the time to spend it. sure i can bank it, save up ect... and thats what im doing, but i want to have the option to go out on the town one night, buy dinner for my friends, sit around and talk, and forget that i even have a job.
my brand new car that i was soo excited about...i dont ever drive it. everybody else does, but im always in the office. or at home. whice coincidenatly(sp?) is one and the same. and yet, i still pay for it. $270 dollars a month. and it get strashed. sure the box was a mess, but that was MY mess. this, this isnt MY mess. its the mess of careless sloppy boys.
i miss my friends. i havent seen davein i dont know how long. im lucky if i talk to him oncea week. im busy, hes busy. i miss my best friend. i miss random car rides, and sitting in his driveway, and our booth at Villagers. grilled cheese, combo platters, ranch, coffee, and cigarettes. i miss cassandra. i wasnt there when all that shit whent down. i never call to check on her. i miss the kids. andy panda man bear hugs, and sneaky kisses from austin, alyssa talks about boys, and amber attitude broken by the occasional sweet moment. Chantel had her baby weeks ago and i havent seen her since that day. she's prolly gettin big. i miss caleb. i miss nikki. she gets her brace off this week. ive only seen her maybe twice since the surgery. i miss torin. he's away in boot camp, and i was too busy to see him before he left. i fel likea terribly friend.
my mom is moving to west virginia. this weekend. she went home 2 weeks ago, found a house, and their leaving. i miss her and my sis. i took iva too the Slightly Stoopid concert last weekend. i spoiled her. mainly cuz i feel like shit for being such a bad big sister. i never talk to my mom. when i do, i always have to rush off the phone cuz i have a million other things going on. i feel like a terrible daughter. and now there going to be gone and i wont have the chance to be a better daughter.
im sick of living with my parents. i need my own space. some where i can escape and just be by myself with out some one yellin for me to do something.
i go through my love life stages. i am once agin sick of being alone. im infatuated with a guy that is in love with another girl, and only wants to be friends. i crave the attention i get when we are having a good day and he holds me, or gives me one of those looks. its not good for me and i know it. we have too many differences. as friends we are awesome. and again i know this. we were "friends with benifits" or whatever the hell you want to call it. were not anymore. he says he always to tired. i want to believe it, but the stupid girl in me cant help but thinking its me. that im not good enough. he used to do things like cuddle with me when we would watch t.v. or hold my hand in the car. give me kisses on the forhead. or even just kiss me in general. he doesnt anymore. we talked about it. i was getting too attached. thats not what he wanted, and he didnt want ot hurt me. i believe him, he has no reason to lie to me... but the stupid girl in me wont listen. i cant be in a realationship right now. i need to work on myself, before i can even think about working on being an "us".
i've been thinking about Rory alot lately. just the why's. i wonder how he is. if he's happy.
i need to find someone that will love me for exactly who i am.
i need a break from my father. he is a very self centered hard headed man. i spend waaaaaay too much time around him. my patience is wearing very thin. he leaves in two days for the cruise. and then i can have 8 days to myself. i just have to keep telling my self "2 more days 2 more dyas..."
i havent been to see darrin in months. ive been greiving alot lately. i'll hear a commercial on the radio about colon cancer and i ball my eyes out. i miss him like crazy. i woulddo anything to have him back. even on his grumpy sick days.
i got an iguana. its actually my sisters but they gave it to me. its living at the boy's apartment untill i get my own place....
i suppose i shall stop my ranting now. to everyone i am sorry i have been i terrible, friend, daughter, person. i miss you all like crazy, and i hope everyone is doing well.
xoxo
me
everybody tells me that i'm lucky as hell. that i have a great job, making good money. i dont really have any bills...yada yada yada.
so why dont i feel lucky as hell? i have a job, that i work my life away at, i am the office slave. and the best part, im prolly gonna be stuck here forever. "family business, keep it in the family."
I told them that i wanted to go back to school and i got laughed at. if i remember correctly, i got my ass chewed out when i dropped out of school.
sure, im making really good money, more money then most adults make. only problem, i dont ever have the time to spend it. sure i can bank it, save up ect... and thats what im doing, but i want to have the option to go out on the town one night, buy dinner for my friends, sit around and talk, and forget that i even have a job.
my brand new car that i was soo excited about...i dont ever drive it. everybody else does, but im always in the office. or at home. whice coincidenatly(sp?) is one and the same. and yet, i still pay for it. $270 dollars a month. and it get strashed. sure the box was a mess, but that was MY mess. this, this isnt MY mess. its the mess of careless sloppy boys.
i miss my friends. i havent seen davein i dont know how long. im lucky if i talk to him oncea week. im busy, hes busy. i miss my best friend. i miss random car rides, and sitting in his driveway, and our booth at Villagers. grilled cheese, combo platters, ranch, coffee, and cigarettes. i miss cassandra. i wasnt there when all that shit whent down. i never call to check on her. i miss the kids. andy panda man bear hugs, and sneaky kisses from austin, alyssa talks about boys, and amber attitude broken by the occasional sweet moment. Chantel had her baby weeks ago and i havent seen her since that day. she's prolly gettin big. i miss caleb. i miss nikki. she gets her brace off this week. ive only seen her maybe twice since the surgery. i miss torin. he's away in boot camp, and i was too busy to see him before he left. i fel likea terribly friend.
my mom is moving to west virginia. this weekend. she went home 2 weeks ago, found a house, and their leaving. i miss her and my sis. i took iva too the Slightly Stoopid concert last weekend. i spoiled her. mainly cuz i feel like shit for being such a bad big sister. i never talk to my mom. when i do, i always have to rush off the phone cuz i have a million other things going on. i feel like a terrible daughter. and now there going to be gone and i wont have the chance to be a better daughter.
im sick of living with my parents. i need my own space. some where i can escape and just be by myself with out some one yellin for me to do something.
i go through my love life stages. i am once agin sick of being alone. im infatuated with a guy that is in love with another girl, and only wants to be friends. i crave the attention i get when we are having a good day and he holds me, or gives me one of those looks. its not good for me and i know it. we have too many differences. as friends we are awesome. and again i know this. we were "friends with benifits" or whatever the hell you want to call it. were not anymore. he says he always to tired. i want to believe it, but the stupid girl in me cant help but thinking its me. that im not good enough. he used to do things like cuddle with me when we would watch t.v. or hold my hand in the car. give me kisses on the forhead. or even just kiss me in general. he doesnt anymore. we talked about it. i was getting too attached. thats not what he wanted, and he didnt want ot hurt me. i believe him, he has no reason to lie to me... but the stupid girl in me wont listen. i cant be in a realationship right now. i need to work on myself, before i can even think about working on being an "us".
i've been thinking about Rory alot lately. just the why's. i wonder how he is. if he's happy.
i need to find someone that will love me for exactly who i am.
i need a break from my father. he is a very self centered hard headed man. i spend waaaaaay too much time around him. my patience is wearing very thin. he leaves in two days for the cruise. and then i can have 8 days to myself. i just have to keep telling my self "2 more days 2 more dyas..."
i havent been to see darrin in months. ive been greiving alot lately. i'll hear a commercial on the radio about colon cancer and i ball my eyes out. i miss him like crazy. i woulddo anything to have him back. even on his grumpy sick days.
i got an iguana. its actually my sisters but they gave it to me. its living at the boy's apartment untill i get my own place....
i suppose i shall stop my ranting now. to everyone i am sorry i have been i terrible, friend, daughter, person. i miss you all like crazy, and i hope everyone is doing well.
xoxo
me