Mass Bay vs. ?
We never really see eye to eye when it comes to talking about college.
They think one way, I think another.
They look at the bigger picture, I look through a narrow hole.
But it's obvious that it's not going to change between us.
Especially me, I don't change so easily with this kind of stuff.
Most of the decisions I make, to me, do not look selfish.
And that's just a flaw of mine. That's a problem I have.
Because whether you think it or not, I do think of you guys.
But then there are times when I have to think of me, too.
I didn't really want to do this.
I asked for advice from you, my guidance counselors and such, and they all gave me the same answer.
But getting that answer, was like nails scratching down a blackboard with me.
I may not have known about it, but I was more interested in the Mass Bay program.
Yes, I am not as dedicated as some known people in my life are with school.
That is a huge problem of mine as well, I understand that. And it does hurt to hear that too.
But I get it.
I'm not the most motivated person in the world and I wish I could find the reason why I'm not, but I can't.
Even then, if I could, I wouldn't like the answer.
And neither would you. It happens.
I understand that I completely messed up a good opportunity at FPU, I understand that. You don't need to keep reminding me.
Every time I'm reminded, it's like a little stab .. I get it. But thats what it feels like.
And I understand my opportunities are getting smaller. And I understand, that college is a gift. And that people who don't have the choice to go would kill to go.. are probably more dedicated than I ever will be.
But seeing that I do have the chance to .. I'd like to take it.
Even if it takes doing tuition all by myself.
I saw the fees. And not just the tuition, but the college fees, course fees, lab fees.
The gas to go from Medway, to Framingham and back. Or if I have to work, to Medway to Framingham to Medfield to Medway. Or work to school to home. Medfield, Framingham to Medway.
I do understand. I may have little to say in person because, understand too, that its hard for me to speak out the thoughts in my head.
And that its very frustrating when I have the thoughts of what I wanna say, but I can't put it down in words most of the time.
This is the one place, when I write it down, when I can at least put half of what I'm thinking.. the other half still struggling with the words.
If I have to pay for it myself, fine. I have friends in college who are paying all by themselves and they're doing okay.
If I have to buy my own car, even if its just a put put to get me to point a to point b, thats fine. I have time in the future to get a new car.
If I have to, I will.
I will jump at it when people as me to work hours, even though at this point, I already do.
I won't even TOUCH my card, any money that comes from work goes right into the bank along with the bills I have to pay.
If I can, I will cancel my gym membership, so I can get money on that. I can do other things than go to the gym if I can do it.
I just don't want to argue this anymore.
I don't want to be called selfish.
I don't want to have to get mad at you when you and I don't see eye to eye.
I don't want to have this silence, and the feeling of an elephant sitting on my chest, waiting for the next time we talk.
I have to work hard already to get where I am and if I have to work harder to get to Mass Bay I will.
It'll literally take sweat and tears, but I will.
I don't want to work at CVS for the rest of my life. No way. I wouldn't be able to live like this.
I want to be in a job that I love to do, every day and come home and sit in my house and feel accomplished.
I've already sent in the email to Mass Bay.
And when I get a chance, I will call admissions and hopefully get an interview.
Or do classes for credits in the summer.
If I have to do this all by myself, I will.
It's starting right now.
They think one way, I think another.
They look at the bigger picture, I look through a narrow hole.
But it's obvious that it's not going to change between us.
Especially me, I don't change so easily with this kind of stuff.
Most of the decisions I make, to me, do not look selfish.
And that's just a flaw of mine. That's a problem I have.
Because whether you think it or not, I do think of you guys.
But then there are times when I have to think of me, too.
I didn't really want to do this.
I asked for advice from you, my guidance counselors and such, and they all gave me the same answer.
But getting that answer, was like nails scratching down a blackboard with me.
I may not have known about it, but I was more interested in the Mass Bay program.
Yes, I am not as dedicated as some known people in my life are with school.
That is a huge problem of mine as well, I understand that. And it does hurt to hear that too.
But I get it.
I'm not the most motivated person in the world and I wish I could find the reason why I'm not, but I can't.
Even then, if I could, I wouldn't like the answer.
And neither would you. It happens.
I understand that I completely messed up a good opportunity at FPU, I understand that. You don't need to keep reminding me.
Every time I'm reminded, it's like a little stab .. I get it. But thats what it feels like.
And I understand my opportunities are getting smaller. And I understand, that college is a gift. And that people who don't have the choice to go would kill to go.. are probably more dedicated than I ever will be.
But seeing that I do have the chance to .. I'd like to take it.
Even if it takes doing tuition all by myself.
I saw the fees. And not just the tuition, but the college fees, course fees, lab fees.
The gas to go from Medway, to Framingham and back. Or if I have to work, to Medway to Framingham to Medfield to Medway. Or work to school to home. Medfield, Framingham to Medway.
I do understand. I may have little to say in person because, understand too, that its hard for me to speak out the thoughts in my head.
And that its very frustrating when I have the thoughts of what I wanna say, but I can't put it down in words most of the time.
This is the one place, when I write it down, when I can at least put half of what I'm thinking.. the other half still struggling with the words.
If I have to pay for it myself, fine. I have friends in college who are paying all by themselves and they're doing okay.
If I have to buy my own car, even if its just a put put to get me to point a to point b, thats fine. I have time in the future to get a new car.
If I have to, I will.
I will jump at it when people as me to work hours, even though at this point, I already do.
I won't even TOUCH my card, any money that comes from work goes right into the bank along with the bills I have to pay.
If I can, I will cancel my gym membership, so I can get money on that. I can do other things than go to the gym if I can do it.
I just don't want to argue this anymore.
I don't want to be called selfish.
I don't want to have to get mad at you when you and I don't see eye to eye.
I don't want to have this silence, and the feeling of an elephant sitting on my chest, waiting for the next time we talk.
I have to work hard already to get where I am and if I have to work harder to get to Mass Bay I will.
It'll literally take sweat and tears, but I will.
I don't want to work at CVS for the rest of my life. No way. I wouldn't be able to live like this.
I want to be in a job that I love to do, every day and come home and sit in my house and feel accomplished.
I've already sent in the email to Mass Bay.
And when I get a chance, I will call admissions and hopefully get an interview.
Or do classes for credits in the summer.
If I have to do this all by myself, I will.
It's starting right now.