Skin and Bones
Title: Skin and Bones
Rating: K+
Spoilers: Up to 6x03 (What Kate Does)
Summary: Sawyer/Juliet angst; “And what had he ever done for her? What had he ever done besides ask her to stay?"
Author’s Note: After last night’s ep, I had to write this.
Enjoy,
Sara
*
Will we feel lost, slowly drifting through these dead and lonesome hikes?
Will we be alright left alone tonight?
What if there's nothing more to me?
I'm just skin and bones
What if there's nothing more to you?
What if there's nothing left for us?
Skin and Bones - Motion City Soundtrack
He assumes that three years is long enough, and when he tells Horace this, he believes it. He’s not got his head in the game though, despite how much he wants Horace to straighten up and fly right, especially by Amy, who is one hell of a woman. He thinks of the ring he’d picked out yesterday. It’s not much, but Juliet wouldn’t want much. He knows her, or at least, he feels like he does by this point. He just doesn’t know her well enough to know if she’ll say yes.
The ring comes by sub, just like everything else, and he goes to pick it up while Juliet’s off at the motor pool, probably fighting off the stares of her male co-workers. He thinks about stopping by for lunch, but after he has the pouch in his hand, he can’t do it. His palms are sweating and he knows it’s from more than just the thought of marrying her. He wants to marry her (as crazy as that sounds to his con-man mind), but he doesn’t know what will happen if she says no.
She’s sitting on the couch when he comes in, freshly showered and practically glowing. The ring weighs him down like lead in his back pocket, and he doesn’t know what he’s going to do with it now that he has it. She greets him, but it’s like sand in his throat as he grunts out a response and goes right to their bedroom. He hears her stir and shuts the door, flicks the lock, and pulls out the pouch.
“Sonuva bitch,” he murmurs, touching the ring’s outline. He sits on the edge of the bed.
“James?” she calls from the hallway, “Are you okay?”
“Fine,” he replies. He listens for her steps to retreat, and when they do, he stands and pushes aside their dresser. He’s always been hoarder, and hidden under the planks of their little Dharma house are all the things he keeps, undisturbed by others. Not even Juliet knows. He tests each plank until he finds the loose one and pries it up. From under the boards, he lifts a small box. Without looking at its contents, he lifts the lid and places the pouch within it.
Once everything is placed back in its rightful position, he exits the room. So it’s not on him, that ring, so if the right time pops up, what’s he gonna do? Hold on, Juliet, let me move the dresser over here…surprise! He sighs because he’s a pussy and he guesses he’ll just give himself a time line. He’ll ask…maybe tomorrow. Maybe.
*
She’s sitting up in bed reading some obscure title that’s just come in on the sub. She always squints a little but swears she’s always done such and she doesn’t need glasses. He climbs in beside her and wraps his arms around her waist, pulling her closer until she has to crane her neck even to see the book.
“C’mon, can’t you put that down even for a minute.”
“Please, James. With you, it’s never a minute.” She throws him a look, but her eyes crinkle and her mouth tugs up at the sides; when he looks at her, he just wants to come out with it Marry me, Juliet, but he can’t. It’s not that easy.
“Do you think,” he begins, but feels silly even asking what he’s thinking. It’s not him, this isn’t him at all, being nervous. He clears his throat. “Do you think we could stay like this forever?”
She looks at him over her nose and puts the book on the nightstand. “You mean here?”
“Yes.”
She bites her lip and he can tell she doesn’t know what to say. “You think they’re not coming back?”
“It’s been three years. You told me the same thing.”
“I know.”
She doesn’t answer his question right off, but pulls him down further in bed and closer to her. Her lips crash against his and he thinks it’s probably because she thinks he’s finally let them go. They aren’t coming back. When she pulls back, her eyes are all fire. “Yes,” she says finally, “We could stay like this forever.” She doesn’t add if we have to or if there’s no other way or anything, and he hopes she doesn’t add it in her mind either.
He kisses her back with the same intensity, and she whispers that she loves him again his lips, and he thinks of the ring and how he’ll ask her tomorrow.
*
Jin calls at the crack of dawn.
Sawyer’s mind screams at the irony, and he can’t even tell her where he’s going. Maybe it’s a joke. Maybe this will all be over soon.
*
“We’ll get on the sub,” he tells her that first night they’re back.
“We can’t.” She turns to face him in bed.
“We have to get away from here.”
“You won’t leave, you won’t leave them now that they came back for us,” she says, and he knows she’s right. He can’t leave now. She blinks and he sees the moisture at the edges of her eye lids. “I stayed for you once,” she whispers, “I’ll stay again.”
He kisses her, but everything has changed.
*
He can’t find the loose board anymore, although he expects them all to be loose by the shape the house is in, so he just tears them all away. His teeth grit together and his eyes sting from tears. He doesn’t know why he’s doing this, getting the ring…maybe he’ll get rid of it, there’s no use in it now.
Sayid came back. Juliet will not.
And what had he ever done for her? What had he ever done besides ask her to stay? Again and again and it wasn’t the island keeping her anymore, it wasn’t Ben, it was him. He was no better than Benjamin Linus, and Ben hadn’t been the one to kill her.
There’s a crack and pop in the hallway. He pulls out his gun, but he knows exactly who it is. In the hallway, it’s the back of her head, the mane of curls that he’d once wrapped his fingers in. He’s deflated. Kate was never here when he wanted her, and now she’s everywhere.
*
It’s poetic that he’d chosen the dock. She’d probably laugh. She’d probably cry. He was never good at guessing her reactions. This is where he’d asked her to stay; this is where he’d let her go.
Don’t you let go.
Kate follows him and that’s just like her. Some of us are meant to be alone. Without Juliet, that’s him. He’d said that Jack deserved to suffer, but it is he who deserves to suffer. All alone here, without her.
And Kate will never really be alone, because there’s always someone, whoever she has her sights on at the moment. She may run, but she’s always got to have someone with her. But she knows now, if she didn’t before, how much Juliet meant to him…still means to him, and he can hear her sobbing as he walks away. The ripples in the water disappear.
Kate still hangs around like there’s something she wants from him, but he doesn’t have anything to give anymore.
*
“We should get coffee sometime.”
“I don’t know, Blondie. You tryin’ to make the moves on me?”
“We can go dutch.”
He knows he’ll say yes.