preoccupied
oh this is bad. i haven't been like this in forever. but i'm stressing out that i'm overthinking, i can't focus, i pace, and i'm totally turned for a loop.
this weekend was so strange. it was like worlds colliding. i grew up in saskatoon, with a few families as a part of my close knit group. this one family in particular and ours ended up estranged. as of late, they're coming together again. and this weekend i had the opportunity to work with one of the kids i grew up with.
the second he got out of the truck i felt like was almost warped back in time. it was the strangest thing. his brothers and sister were some of the first friends i had when i moved to saskatoon. we always got along. but when highschool came, i had such a miserable time, and growing up you naturally grow apart. I WAS NOT A HAPPY KID in highschool, and i remember seeing him in the hall one year, after a particularly shitty incident with the guy i was dating, and its one of those " i know you saw that i saw you" moments, and i turned and went the other way, because something in my mind decided that i wasn't going to let him see me bruised up like that.
and all of these moments and memories came back, really fast, the second i saw him. and i'm sure i had this overwhelmed, stunned look on my face. and i was exhausted from working all week and being up early and it was hot out and it was all a hot mess.
regardless, friday and saturday, all day, was the two of us. and everyone kept mentioning how in sync we were. like we hadn't ever stopped being good friends. after working all day we went out to the lake where his brothers and sister were, and drank. and went back to his house, and drank. and listened to music. and drank. and caught up. till 7 in the morning. and then we both realized we promised to be back on the roof for noon. i think if that wasn't the case, we probably would have stayed up until one of us actually passed out.
its all a part of growing up, and this i know, but being home this exact summer, and having this exact experience, has got me thinking. questioning every decision and crossroads i've come to, and the paths i took and felt so sure about, and they all seem to keep taking me further from home, and from what i know. it's towards a career, and that's awesome. but do i want to be that far away and out of touch from all this?
it's making my music 101 class so trivial. i'm learning about metre and beat and i can't concentrate to read the equivalent to a 1/3 of a page.
i remember being so excited about the idea of growing up. today i would give anything for it to be ok for all of us to be in my basement, playing mario 3 and eating popcorn, all tucked into blankets. or playing hide and go seek in the dark. or legos. i guess right now i'm resenting losing my innocence. i wish there was some way to have told me (and had me not ignore it) that if you do _____ you'll never be able to unlearn that lesson/feeling. maybe i would have taken my time making some choices. or made better ones.
this weekend was so strange. it was like worlds colliding. i grew up in saskatoon, with a few families as a part of my close knit group. this one family in particular and ours ended up estranged. as of late, they're coming together again. and this weekend i had the opportunity to work with one of the kids i grew up with.
the second he got out of the truck i felt like was almost warped back in time. it was the strangest thing. his brothers and sister were some of the first friends i had when i moved to saskatoon. we always got along. but when highschool came, i had such a miserable time, and growing up you naturally grow apart. I WAS NOT A HAPPY KID in highschool, and i remember seeing him in the hall one year, after a particularly shitty incident with the guy i was dating, and its one of those " i know you saw that i saw you" moments, and i turned and went the other way, because something in my mind decided that i wasn't going to let him see me bruised up like that.
and all of these moments and memories came back, really fast, the second i saw him. and i'm sure i had this overwhelmed, stunned look on my face. and i was exhausted from working all week and being up early and it was hot out and it was all a hot mess.
regardless, friday and saturday, all day, was the two of us. and everyone kept mentioning how in sync we were. like we hadn't ever stopped being good friends. after working all day we went out to the lake where his brothers and sister were, and drank. and went back to his house, and drank. and listened to music. and drank. and caught up. till 7 in the morning. and then we both realized we promised to be back on the roof for noon. i think if that wasn't the case, we probably would have stayed up until one of us actually passed out.
its all a part of growing up, and this i know, but being home this exact summer, and having this exact experience, has got me thinking. questioning every decision and crossroads i've come to, and the paths i took and felt so sure about, and they all seem to keep taking me further from home, and from what i know. it's towards a career, and that's awesome. but do i want to be that far away and out of touch from all this?
it's making my music 101 class so trivial. i'm learning about metre and beat and i can't concentrate to read the equivalent to a 1/3 of a page.
i remember being so excited about the idea of growing up. today i would give anything for it to be ok for all of us to be in my basement, playing mario 3 and eating popcorn, all tucked into blankets. or playing hide and go seek in the dark. or legos. i guess right now i'm resenting losing my innocence. i wish there was some way to have told me (and had me not ignore it) that if you do _____ you'll never be able to unlearn that lesson/feeling. maybe i would have taken my time making some choices. or made better ones.