Bah
Yeah, so it's been a while again... But not due to me forgetting about this journal or anything like that.
So much crap has happened. I haven't wanted to talk about anything... It's all just been too much. Still not wanting to type out any of the details, but I figured I'd get some of this out...
So I think I already posted about Bob passing away. That was the evening of Thursday, February 8th. His memorial was the following Saturday (February 17th). It was very nice, but soooo sad. Then, on Monday Feb 19th, a very close family friend passed away... This woman has been an honorary member of our family since before I was born. She was basically a second Mother to my mom. Her funeral was the following Saturday, and it was very hard.... Her husband was there... I remember dancing with him whilst standing on his feet. He's such a great guy. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a huge fear of death. I've never seen someone I knew that was lying in a casket... This was an open-casket funeral and we sat in the second row. At the end, we walked up to the casket. It looked like her, but like a wax figure of her. She was so thin and her face was drawn.
The same time this was going on, my Uncle Brian was in an ATV accident in Enumclaw. He shattered his right femur and broke his right hip, as well as his right arm and wrist. His femur was so bad that he lost four inches of bone, and the Dr's had to insert a rod in his leg to replace the missing bone (and to make his leg the same length as his other one). He's a single father of two teenage girls, and I felt so bad for him laying in the hospital. He's really athletic and is always playing baseball, football, golf etc... So this must be really hard for him to not be able to move. They think he'll be ok, but he has to have more surgeries. Until then he's in a wheelchair.
This last weekend, my dad's best friend lost his Mom. Ric is the guy we bought our house from, and I didn't know his Mom well, but I've spent time with her (consisting mostly of her nagging the hell out of me). I feel bad for Ric though. He's disabled (his muscles are deteriorating and he can no longer walk... has to use one of those scooter things) and he has a son that is severely mentally handicapped... And he's single. Could you imagine not being able to walk, and being responsible for a son that needs to be watched constantly? His son is functioning (he drives, works, etc) but he's a functioning autistic that is on the more severe side when it comes to behavior, acting out, social skills, etc.
So.... I don't know. I've just been freaking out a lot. I'm terrified of dying. My Mom and I talked the other day, and she's been feeling a lot of the same stuff. She described it as "survivors guilt" which is a good description. I've been randomly crying at the most embarassing times... I can't focus on anything... I hate it. I think part of is that since Bob passed away, I've seen Nan-c 8 or 9 times - but we've never talked about Bob. If you didn't know, you'd never guess she just lost her husband. I've got so many questions (mainly "what the hell happened?") and no answers. I really need to talk wit her and get some kind of closure on what transpired, because my mind just keeps coming up with more and more possible scenarios.
Alrighty, my shoulder hurts from too much typing.
I'm not trying to be selfish here, but for anyone that reads this, I sure would appreciate some prayers at the moment. I'm not handling any of this well, and it's not getting better.
Thank you and God Bless.
Billie....
Bob right before his attack...
So much crap has happened. I haven't wanted to talk about anything... It's all just been too much. Still not wanting to type out any of the details, but I figured I'd get some of this out...
So I think I already posted about Bob passing away. That was the evening of Thursday, February 8th. His memorial was the following Saturday (February 17th). It was very nice, but soooo sad. Then, on Monday Feb 19th, a very close family friend passed away... This woman has been an honorary member of our family since before I was born. She was basically a second Mother to my mom. Her funeral was the following Saturday, and it was very hard.... Her husband was there... I remember dancing with him whilst standing on his feet. He's such a great guy. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a huge fear of death. I've never seen someone I knew that was lying in a casket... This was an open-casket funeral and we sat in the second row. At the end, we walked up to the casket. It looked like her, but like a wax figure of her. She was so thin and her face was drawn.
The same time this was going on, my Uncle Brian was in an ATV accident in Enumclaw. He shattered his right femur and broke his right hip, as well as his right arm and wrist. His femur was so bad that he lost four inches of bone, and the Dr's had to insert a rod in his leg to replace the missing bone (and to make his leg the same length as his other one). He's a single father of two teenage girls, and I felt so bad for him laying in the hospital. He's really athletic and is always playing baseball, football, golf etc... So this must be really hard for him to not be able to move. They think he'll be ok, but he has to have more surgeries. Until then he's in a wheelchair.
This last weekend, my dad's best friend lost his Mom. Ric is the guy we bought our house from, and I didn't know his Mom well, but I've spent time with her (consisting mostly of her nagging the hell out of me). I feel bad for Ric though. He's disabled (his muscles are deteriorating and he can no longer walk... has to use one of those scooter things) and he has a son that is severely mentally handicapped... And he's single. Could you imagine not being able to walk, and being responsible for a son that needs to be watched constantly? His son is functioning (he drives, works, etc) but he's a functioning autistic that is on the more severe side when it comes to behavior, acting out, social skills, etc.
So.... I don't know. I've just been freaking out a lot. I'm terrified of dying. My Mom and I talked the other day, and she's been feeling a lot of the same stuff. She described it as "survivors guilt" which is a good description. I've been randomly crying at the most embarassing times... I can't focus on anything... I hate it. I think part of is that since Bob passed away, I've seen Nan-c 8 or 9 times - but we've never talked about Bob. If you didn't know, you'd never guess she just lost her husband. I've got so many questions (mainly "what the hell happened?") and no answers. I really need to talk wit her and get some kind of closure on what transpired, because my mind just keeps coming up with more and more possible scenarios.
Alrighty, my shoulder hurts from too much typing.
I'm not trying to be selfish here, but for anyone that reads this, I sure would appreciate some prayers at the moment. I'm not handling any of this well, and it's not getting better.
Thank you and God Bless.
Billie....
Bob right before his attack...