Sense
Sense [[keeps giving me reasons to love you]]
Changmin//Yoochun ; Yoochun//Junsu
PG-13 ; Angst/Romance ; Band!verse
9, 855 words
Changmin was a rational man... then he met Yoochun
For my super wonderful mrs_min_ai. Thanks for converting me!~
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Changmin likes to think that he is a rational man.
He studies and studies, aces every exam that comes his way, and still sings his heart out on stage in front of millions of adoring fans. He sleeps his free days away, until hunger calls and he arouses himself just so he can quell the dire need for food. He is normal - or as normal as one can be when they are a celebrity - and he is healthy, a growing boy that watches far too much porn and likes to hit his band mates because it amuses him.
Changmin had liked to think that he was a rational man… that was until he fell in love with Park Yoochun.
Yoochun is everything he is not. He is a breath of fresh air that bursts through his rather stiff and boring life, sweeping him off his feet with a quirk of his lips and a shimmering gleam in his eyes. Yoochun is reckless, impulsive, and he fails at almost everything he does - except when it comes to music. He pours his heart and soul into the rhythm that he alone hears, and Changmin just wishes sometimes to see Yoochun love him like the steady notes scrawled across messy papers.
But Yoochun is more experienced, deeper, and older. Changmin is nothing important, the young and cute kid that the elder members like to coo at. He thinks he is not good enough - not worthy enough - to deserve Yoochun’s love. Compared to the beautiful lead singer, Kim Jaejoong, the youngest is nothing more than a backdrop. He pales in comparison. He is not seen as manly, but just a baby barely breaking out into the wide world around him. He is not the one that always smiles and tries to cheer everyone up, he is not a morning person and he has never been the best at soothing one’s nerves.
So, technically, Changmin knows he cannot be with Yoochun. It would never work. Rational thoughts and logical reasoning deems this to be true enough. Changmin sees the way Yoochun admires their leader’s manliness. He watches the way the baritone interacts with the beautiful lead singer. He catches the hidden and longing glances sent to the squeaking baritenor that treats Yoochun as his best friend - nothing more and nothing less.
Changmin knows that he has nothing to offer and will always be seen as the younger brother, not the lover.
But he hopes anyway because that is all he can do, rational mind be damned.
He grows up within the first few years the band is together, breaking free from the “cute baby’s” clutches and finally growing into a gorgeous young man - one that people notice for once. He is taller now, even more so than his beloved leader, and he notes the way Yoochun treats him differently. His hope bubbles in his gut, sending butterflies loose in his abdomen, and he feels giddier than he ever has.
“Changmin.”
The sound is low, quiet, almost secretive. Husky, too husky, and it sends shivers down the younger male’s spine. No one has ever said his name like this, and Changmin likes the way it sounds as it is caressed by the other’s tongue. He gulps, fingers the hem of his jacket and looks seemingly composed, as he meets the liquid dark gaze of the elder.
“Yoochun,” and he is all nerves and fidgets under the other’s gaze, but he does not want the other to see. He knows he does anyway because Yoochun sees and knows everything - and Changmin knows deep down that his elder has caught the helpless stares he sometimes sends his way. “What is it that you need? If you’re just going to stand in my doorway, you can leave. I have to study for tests, you know, one of us in this band has to be smart.”
“Ha ha,” he drawls, slumping down on the other’s bed, casually brushing against his nervous band mate’s body as he peers at his notes. “I’m very smart I‘ll have you know.”
“Right, and Junsu is the epitome of all things charismatic.”
Yoochun glares playfully, shoving at the smaller male’s shoulders until they are both tangled up within one another’s arms, laughter reverberating across the room. Somewhere outside Yoochun distinctly hears the sound of Junsu complaining and he smiles. Changmin sees it; his heart breaks and his hope crumbles.
Changmin shifts his gaze to their tangled limbs, smiling sadly, and begins to remove himself when Yoochun snuggles closer to him. He stiffens at first, accustomed to the baritone’s sometimes affectionate ways, but this feels different. There is a lingering intimacy in the air, so stifling that Changmin can almost feel it weighing down on his muscled shoulders.
“You’ve grown up,” Yoochun mumbles into the other’s neck, eyes closed and lips parted against heated skin.
Changmin sighs, eyes on the round and flushed cheeks before him, as he whispers, “I wanted to become worthy of your love… I guess it didn’t work…” He makes a move to leave because he has finally said it, even though by now everyone in their home knows of his crush (but could something so painful and warm be only considered a crush?)
“Changmin…” He curses how every time Yoochun says his name, all he wants to do is love him even more and never let go.
He tries to stop the other from leaving, but the younger of the two is not strong enough to be heartbroken so quickly. So, he shakes his head and sends a small, broken smile to the other male. He tells him it is alright, to act like it never happened.
The (slight) confession is kept quiet for months afterward.
Changmin calculates how long it will take for him to break.
He cries after the sixth day because Yoochun is still treating him the same. His words did not affect the other at all, and he is still all smiles and warm hugs. Yoochun still talks to Jaejoong, admires Yunho, and dotes on Junsu. He still acts like the loving older brother to the boy that pines for him day and night.
He wants the awkwardness that usually comes with these things. He aches for the other to show some sort of inclination that he had said those words that night. He craves for all Yoochun’s attention because he is the one in love with the baritone - the boy with his head set straight on his shoulders, the smart one, the one that lives life through mathematical equations and theories.
Junsu is all laughter and sunshine. He is rainbows and unicorns and a pot of gold - the treasure Yoochun desperately longs to discover. But the composer never realizes that, to the band’s youngest member, he is the magic that wonders a young child’s imagination. Yoochun is everything to Changmin…
The (slight) confession is brought up by Yoochun after the sixth month. He sits on the ledge of their apartment building, legs dangling over the edge, and his hands rooted to the cold, gray cement as if it was all that was holding him up. Changmin idly muses the thought that he would never let Yoochun fall, that the other should not be afraid… but those little fancies are quickly swept away in the summer breeze.
Yoochun looks at him and there is something different in his eyes. He motions with a small nod of his head to the space beside him, and Changmin obliges almost too willingly. A peaceful silence flits over them, one that makes Changmin far too anxious as he watches out of the corner of his eyes as Yoochun lets his lit cigarette fall to the busy ground below.
“I thought you were going to quit,” Changmin voices just to have a conversation going because this atmosphere is stifling to him, and all he wants to do is get this humiliation over with.
But, Changmin realizes, he is not entirely sure what he wants Yoochun to quit. He knows the reason why their sentimental baritone is sitting on the ledge of their building. He knows this to be the same reason why Yoochun smokes his stress away; the reason why the youngest member breaks due to an unrequited affection. He wants Yoochun to quit searching for Junsu’s love; wants him to settle for that of the youngest.
Yoochun makes an unintelligible sound in the back of his throat, eyes still glued to the sinking sun before them. “Changmin… is this how you feel?”
“What are you talking about? I feel fine.”
The other shakes his head, dark locks brushing across his forehead with every simple movement, some falling in his liquid brown eyes. “No, Min, you know what I mean. Is this how you felt when… you couldn’t have what you wanted?”
“You’re talking about Junsu, aren’t you?” There is no sound but Changmin already knew the answer - always had known who captivated the other’s thoughts. “I suppose. But there is a reason that it is called unrequited love, Yoochun.”
“It doesn’t have to be,” he whispers and the other does not know what to think of that. He has no clue as to what Yoochun could be talking about, and his face must show his confusion because in a matter of seconds, Yoochun is expanding upon his previous words. “One of us should be allowed to be happy with the one we love, right? And…I know you can’t force love, but they say you can learn to love someone. I want to learn to love you, Changmin.”
Changmin wants to say, I don’t want you to learn to love me - I want you to love me now, but even if he is a rational man, he is also stubborn and selfish. So, he intertwines their hands, lacing their fingers together, and murmurs, “Okay,” against the wind.
At first this relationship of theirs is strange, new, different. Altogether exciting. Changmin likes to take risks, sneak out of his room and into Yoochun’s to just talk, feel his warmth seep through his clothes. He traces his name across the other’s palm, as if reminding the other who really loved him - as if telling himself that they would eventually fall hopelessly and helplessly for each other.
Changmin is not much of a dreamer, but he likes to think up light fantasies of the two of them together forever. He likes to picture them kissing under the rain (because sometimes Jaejoong watches too many girly dramas and Changmin gets the romantic scenes stuck in his head). He wants Yoochun to make love to him in a room lit by candles, just the two of them after a romantic dinner and a lot of cuddling on the couch. He thinks up millions of scenarios, sighs happily during the middle of rehearsals as he listens to Yoochun’s voice through a headset, and he cannot help but begin to believe that what they have is for forever.
They have not told the others about their relationship. Yoochun insists that the sooner the better, but Changmin is not so sure. He thinks rationally, and his brain cannot help but entertain the thought of the others’ disapproval. What would happen if the band disagreed? If Junsu disagreed? He knows that Yoochun would stop almost immediately if Junsu were to ever disapprove of their relationship.
Changmin is man enough to admit he fears that. He tells Yoochun to wait, that he is not ready for it just yet, and that he just needs a little time. Only time. So Yoochun acquiesces, a tiny smile on his face as he brushes their hands together because they are not that intimate with one another - Yoochun is not ready to make the commitment, still dreaming of short kisses with another member of the band.
But it comes abruptly when Changmin cannot handle it any longer. Not because of the guilt, but because he sees the two of them together, sitting much too close at their table. It is in the way they whisper to one another - sharing secrets that Yoochun will never tell, even to Changmin - and the way they brush against one another every time they shift in their chairs.
Changmin finally bursts and weeks of secrets are tumbled out within one line. “Yoochun and I are dating!”
His outburst comes out in between Yunho’s rambles of new tour dates and Jaejoong’s cooking being better than ever - but Changmin is not sure, he happens to lose interest in the breakfast topics in favor of Yoochun’s lips curving into a smile. The news startles Yoochun and Junsu, the latter having been in the middle of trying out a new joke that no one but Yoochun would ever hear (Changmin knew this because it was just between those two - always between them only). Jaejoong looks confused, casting wary glances to both of them, knowing more than he has been told just by looking into the four pairs of brown eyes - each in varying shades and all with a different emotion flickering within them.
Jaejoong knows Yoochun, can read him like a book front to back and remember it word for word. He - above all - is the most confused as to why Yoochun is with Changmin when his heart lies somewhere else entirely. Silence shrouds their tiny table, and the youngest almost regrets breaking the peace… almost, but not quite.
Then Junsu smiles wide, a laugh bursting passed the seams of his plump lips, and he restores the usual amicable personality. “How long has it been?”
Changmin wants to answer, two months seventeen days twenty-three hours forty six minutes twelve seconds - thirteen - fourteen… But instead Yoochun answers, “A little over two months now.”
“And you didn’t tell me…?” There is no emotion in Jaejoong’s voice, the words eased out like falling silk, but they can catch an underlying tint of hurt - a frayed edge in the beautiful linen - within his question.
The baritone looks away, focusing on the hand resting upon his thigh - and even though Changmin cannot see it, he knows Junsu is treading upon another’s territory, his property. He wants to bite, snap, and claw - feeling the urge to mark what is rightfully his in ways much too sinful for the ever religious Kim Junsu to understand.
“Hey, it’s not like anything is really different,” Junsu says, hoping to lighten the mood with his soft words, but even he understands that things are changing right before his eyes.
The lead singer leaves the table first, still hurt by this impromptu confession that should have been made two months ago, and he scrubs mercilessly at the dishes that are already shining in the pale glow of the kitchen lights. The leader follows suit, knowing now is not the time to discuss anymore business, and within a matter of seconds the only sounds the other three hear is that of Yunho murmuring softly to his best friend.
Yoochun is still facing down, hands wrung in his lap with a tinier hand resting gently upon his knee. His eyes are deep, dark brown - they glow like stars twinkling in a night sky, tears welling up so fast. Yoochun was always the most tenderhearted - unwinding like a loose thread, spiraling into his own depressions caused by harsh words and tones.
“I need to talk to Yoochun…” Changmin says monotonously, his eyes gazing blankly at the barely older male that is comforting his boyfriend. “Alone, please.”
Junsu nods hesitantly - as if unsure, brown eyes sizing Changmin up before letting a light touch of the back of his hand graze across the side of Yoochun’s neck. The youngest wants to bare his teeth like a feral dog, wants to show - prove - to his opponent that Yoochun is very much his. The baritone watches his best friend go, eyes following the sway of hips that were far too blessed to be considered sinful, and Changmin finally lets the monster loose.
He is pushing Yoochun to the ground before the other has time to look away from the spot Junsu once was, chairs and dishes scattering to the wooden floor, creating a clamor that has Jaejoong barking. Changmin does not care, though, because for once in his life something matters more than food, and it lies temptingly beneath him with glazed eyes and mussed hair.
A sliver of a pink tongue between two full lips is all it takes for the last strand of control to leave the rational man’s body.
He presses further into the lithe body he straddles, hungrily staring at his prey - a look that is much more predatory than any lion in the world. Yoochun gulps, the only sound he makes, and the motion jolts his Adam’s apple into a bobbing motion - the first place that Changmin’s lips land. The younger male trails kisses up, feeling hands push weakly at his chest - an unsuccessful last minute resort to back out of what he and Changmin had gotten into.
There are light flecks of stubble that tickle his sensitive lips, teasing him with their tiny pricks, and Changmin knows that Yoochun has yet to shave. Yoochun whispers something - a chant of some sort as his protests die down - and he is arching under his band mate’s feathery caresses as they fluidly wash over him. Changmin is drowning him, bringing waves up over his head and threatening to steal him away under the sea forever.
He bites just enough that the velvet textured skin does not break, placing a tender kiss to the new bright red marking on his lover’s neck. He smirks into the raw skin, letting his teeth scrape against the reddened flesh before pulling back to admire his handiwork. There is a flicker of triumph in his eyes, one that only increases when he notices the dazed expression in his older lover’s dark swirling orbs.
“Kiss me again, Min.”
The order comes out breathy and desperate, but the underlying lust and speck of love is enough to send ripples of pleasure coursing down his body and into a lower region that screams for some affection. Changmin is a proud man that does not leave room for disappointment. Everything he does is met with his best, every challenge is looked dead in the eye. Yoochun is a territory left forgotten - waiting to be explored - and Changmin would love to be the one to chart every dip and crevice of the other’s body in his mind.
He crashes back down to earth with a force that pulls him in much like gravity but ten times stronger. There are two soft petals sucking at his bottom lip and he loses himself in the sense of loves that washes over him in like a rising tide, dragging him in deeper until he can no longer see the surface ahead. And Changmin is not too sure whether this is another dream or if this is real, the line blurs somewhere in his hazy thoughts, and he would pinch himself if his hands were not too busy drawing out languid moans from the man underneath him.
Changmin is knocked from his cloud, drunken from drugs - the pheromones - that Yoochun’s mouth give off, and he is forcibly removed from the candy sweet man that he so adores. Irritated, he turns his attention upwards, meeting blazing brown eyes that scream authority, and Changmin briefly wonders when those eyes became less intimidating and more condescending.
“There are a few words the other band members and I would like to say to you.” His eyes linger on the breathless baritone, chest heaving rapidly as if he woke from a nightmare - but Changmin knows it is anything but a bad dream as his swollen lips stretch into a mischievous grin. “Straighten yourselves out and meet us in the main room.”
The youngest gives his leader a mock salute, Yunho growls as a warning to the always rebellious man, and Yoochun is barely managing to upright himself - his insides still twisted and knees nothing more than jelly. He wobbles to stand, brushing off his dark pants and rumpled t-shirt, and that is when Changmin finds it is time to let the other know how deep his feelings are.
“Yoochun,” he croaks, stretching his slender fingers out - trying to grasp to the dream he knew was fading. Yoochun does not turn, merely halts mid-step, and Changmin knows he is fighting a losing battle. He tries to reach out with his words anyway, no matter how hard it is. “I love you.”
The baritone makes no sound, does not even so much as look at the pleading man on his knees before him. Yoochun is hurt as well, suffering from his own unrequited love, a love that the one on the receiving end has turned a blind eye to. So, he exhales, places his hand on the doorframe separating the kitchen from the main room, and he finally turns to give his lover a shaky smile.
“I know, Min, I know.”
How many times can you break an already broken heart?
Changmin finds his answer weeks later as he watches from across the table in the conference room as they promote another single, another album, another piece of skin that drives the female fans wild. He tries to compose himself, tries to ignore the much needed fan service that was being provided by the Happy Mate couple most fans had found to be endearing. He tries to keep from snapping as Yoochun brushes those tempting pink lips against Junsu’s ear, against his jaw, against his neck. He tries to keep his sanity in check as the sweet smiling boy across from him leans unabashedly into Changmin’s lover’s arms.
“Junsu, are you and Yoochun really together?” an inquisitive fan questions, fan girl hearts visible in her eyes and Changmin barely manages to hold back his snort.
There is a twinkle in the questioned one’s eyes as he turns to his best friend then back to the adoring fan. “Would you like for us to be?”
The fan nods rapidly, gleeful to have her question acknowledged and oblivious to the awkwardness that her innocence instilled. Changmin wants to snap her head off - wants to put an end to people supporting the two opposite him. He wants to drag Yoochun across the table and fuck him senseless in front of everyone around.
“Ah, this is getting to be a bit too much,” Yunho jokes, but the underlying warning tone is registered in their ears just enough for them to drop the subject.
The smiling baritenor laughs loudly, the fans squeal delightfully, and Yoochun grins accordingly. A gentle hand on his knee keeps him from lunging at the unsuspecting Junsu. Jaejoong offers him a miniscule reassurance in the tiny movement, and it is just enough to soothe his frazzled nerves.
Later on when the cameras are clicked off and the crew has all left, Changmin pins Yoochun against the dressing room door, not minding the band members that could look and see them at any moment. He does not care that Yunho had made rules for them, told them to always pay attention to where they were and not do these things in public places. He needs Yoochun and nothing is going to stop him.
“I missed you,” Changmin mumbles against the searing flesh above Yoochun’s pulse, hands splayed across the other’s bony hips.
Yoochun chuckles deeply, the sound rumbles through his chest and against Changmin’s body, as he threads slim digits through the other’s stiff hair. “Min, you couldn’t possibly have missed me that much. You saw me this morning and all during the interviews.
“But I didn’t get to do this to you,” Changmin hums, his own fingers slipping into the waistband of his lover’s jeans. He catches the gasp in his mouth, breathing in the baritone for all he is worth. “And Jaejoong sits in between us so I couldn’t have touched you without making him uncomfortable.”
Yoochun presses against him, pushes his body forward so he can keep the heated friction between their bodies. “That didn’t stop you from trying to grope me during rehearsals,” the baritone mumbles, but the sound is laced with amusement, signaling that the elder is not mad at his boyfriend.
“It’s hard to keep away when you’re looking like… this,” Changmin murmurs back against swollen red lips, nipping them gently with his front teeth before pulling away to admire his handiwork. “Remind me to thank our coordinators next time I see them… outfit looks fucking sexy on you - probably looks that way off your body, too.”
Yoochun just rolls his eyes at his boyfriend’s behavior, opting instead to grab the lapels on the younger’s jacket and bring him forward just so he can taste a tiny piece of heaven once again. Changmin is far too obedient - like a puppy, like Harang - and he is more than happy to deepen their lip lock, running the pad of his thumb across a jutting hipbone before trekking onto Yoochun’s side. His knuckles fumble over raised bones of the elder’s ribcage, bumping along and Changmin muses the thought of making himself into a large dessert so that maybe Yoochun will eat more.
There is a light cough from the doorway of the dressing room, the two snapping toward the direction, still entwined with one another’s body. Changmin’s hands stay in place, one casually brushing under his boyfriend’s breastbone and the other spanning across Yoochun’s backside. The baritone looks guilty for a moment, apparently realizing exactly where they are and what they were about to do, and he briefly shifts his gaze toward his boyfriend, subtly placing his hand over Changmin’s own warm hand buried underneath the fabric of his shirt.
“Yunho would like to see you both.” Jaejoong says the words as if he is afraid to be seen with them, looking every bit as appalled as he should be after witnessing his two band mates tied together by an invisible red thread. His cold, dark gaze sweeps over them swiftly, a tiny checkup to see if everything is as it should be, before stating a bit more assertively, “Now.”
He slips back inside just as suddenly as he had appeared, calm and chilly just like the autumn wind that wraps around their weary bodies. Changmin looks in the general area for a second more before turning back to his lover, looking less guilty and more mischievous now that the band mother has turned away from the raging hormones outside the dressing room.
Changmin rests his forehead against the shorter male’s, a playful and easy smile spread across his pink lips, and he murmurs ever-so-softly, “I love you,” just the same as he had before… Except this time there is nothing in the air weighing them down and the mood is overall peaceful.
Yoochun bites his bottom lip, lashes blinking shut to cover his beautiful eyes, the shy gesture a feathery touch to Changmin’s slowly repairing heart. Then the baritone kisses his younger friend gently, slowly, and Changmin feels love from the other for the very first time.
“I know, Minnie, I know.”
And maybe it is not love yet, but it is close and that alone is enough to bandage Changmin’s broken heart.
Junsu has a new girlfriend.
The news is shocking, coming in during a movie marathon of terribly cheesy flicks, where Yoochun is reduced to tears and a blubbering mess against Changmin’s shoulder. Junsu is seated on the floor, body situated between Yoochun’s knees and his eyes on the screen. Yunho is squished against Changmin and the arm of the couch, Bambi clutched tightly to his chest, and trying to imitate the actor’s lines. Jaejoong stares blankly at the screen, not quite understanding why the characters in the film are so dramatic, but there are tears in his eyes as well as he grips onto Yoochun’s hand.
They are startled out of watching the movie, eyes snapping to the one situated on the floor. His shoulders are slumped forward, head slightly bowed as if he is actually depressed by the news himself. He tries his best to avoid turning around to catch their eyes, opting instead to play with a loose thread in the baritone’s jeans, fingers brushing over the arch of the other male’s foot occasionally.
“Since when?”
Changmin thinks that this is strikingly similar to the conversation those so few months ago when the others interrogated his relationship with Yoochun. He tightens the grip he has around his boyfriend’s wrist unconsciously, feeling Yoochun’s reaction to Junsu’s news against his body. It is an unpleasant feeling and Changmin knows he is jealous. He does not like the fact that Junsu still has some hold over Yoochun.
“Last night,” Junsu gives in finally, relaxing his body against the couch, head falling back and his short hairs sweeping across his forehead as he peers up at the others from his seat on the carpeted floor.
“Who is she?” Jaejoong queries, unwinding himself from his cramped position against Yoochun, resting his tired and aching feet on the ground, suddenly very interested. “Anyone we know?
Junsu smiles, albeit weakly, his gaze still refusing to meet Yoochun’s and Changmin furrows his brow. The younger Kim shakes his head, answering, “No, I met her a few nights ago when I went out with Hyukjae. Her name is Yejin. She’s pretty, funny, sweet, and not to mention normal.”
Changmin thinks he catches an underlying meaning in the word that Junsu stresses, it seems to hint to more than the fact that the girl is a non-celebrity. It is so much more, and Changmin wishes to fully dissect that one word until he can figure out what exactly is going on in the baritenor’s mind.
Yoochun looks down at his lap, pink lips set into a grim line as if someone has died, and he pries Changmin’s long fingers off his wrist, mumbling, “I don’t feel so well,” before he is hopping over Junsu and fleeing to the bathroom.
A moment passes and they hear the sounds of coughing, retching, and sobs that soon follow after. Changmin is the first one out of his seat, tripping over Yunho in his haste, and stumbling toward the closed door. He raps on the wooden barrier, brown eyes fearful and wild, and he wants nothing more than to kiss away all Yoochun’s problems.
It takes his and Yunho’s strength to burst the door open, finding Yoochun curled into a ball in the corner and his eyes dead. He shakes and groans from where he is, and Changmin holds him close, trying to get him to stop crying. He hears the sound of flushing, but only distantly because the sounds of teeth chattering are the only things that fill his ears. He wants to see his boyfriend smiling again. He wants him all to himself - he does not want to share with Junsu, Jaejoong, Yunho, anyone. Mainly Junsu.
He is shoved aside when Jaejoong comes into view, taking Yoochun into his arms, rocking him back and forth saying, “It’s going to be alright. Everything’s going to be okay,” but everyone knows it never will be. Changmin feels helpless and pathetic, eyes filling with tears that want to fall. He wants to be selfish and lock Yoochun away forever where there is not a Kim Junsu to break his heart.
Yoochun calms down after a while, falling into a dreamless state that slightly worries Yunho because it seems as if the male is dead. It scares him to think that all this is happening and he - the leader - cannot do anything to help. So, instead, he leaves the sweaty and barely breathing Yoochun in Jaejoong’s care, and drags Changmin out of the tiny room.
Changmin wants someone to blame, even though it is really no one’s fault they are like this, but when he sees the scared brown eyes peering up at him through dark lashes, Changmin cannot help himself. Junsu is doing nothing, but has everything - everything that Changmin wants. And it is not fair; so fucking unfair, and he can hardly glance at Junsu anymore without wanting to cause bodily harm.
“How is he?” the question is quiet, unsure, hesitant.
Changmin snarls from where he stands, and there is nothing in his way to stop him from ruining Junsu’s perfect face, his perfect world, his perfect life. “He’ll be fine no thanks to you.”
“Changmin,” Junsu starts but stops himself from continuing. He glances at the bathroom door, face stricken with guilt, and murmurs, “I want him to feel better.”
“You? Don’t make me laugh. You don’t care!” At this point Changmin is hysterical, finger pointing accusingly at the man that is rather composed even as the youngest band member throws insults and assumptions at his face. “You didn’t then, you don’t now. So, stop pretending that you care about him.”
“That’s enough!” Yunho says, holding back Changmin who is ready to lunge, and giving both the men a fiery, yet weary gaze. They are all tired and this was supposed to be a night of fun and relaxation before they start to tour again. “Both of you are not helping the situation at all. Yoochun is sick and it’s no one’s fault, so stop blaming each other.” He sends a pointed look at Changmin, one that says if you try to start anything with Junsu again, I’ll kick your ass, I’m fucking tired of this childishness.
He shoves past both of them to head into his own room, slamming the door shut behind them, and Changmin slumps against the wall. Junsu follows suit, situating himself on the opposite wall, and lets out a sigh.
“I’m sorry,” Changmin whispers softly, the sound the only thing in the tiny hallway. He can still hear Jaejoong’s soothing voice coming from inside the bathroom and it puts him more at ease. “I didn’t mean to go off like that, I’m just worried and -”
Junsu cuts him off with a warm smile. “It’s okay. I’d be in the same state if someone I loved was like that.”
The sentence is supposed to come off as reassuring - a slight signal that Yoochun is all Changmin’s and that Junsu does not see their beloved baritone in that way. But Changmin is more observant than they credit him to be sometimes, catching the way Junsu’s smile does not quite show the same emotions that his eyes hold.
“I’m glad that he has you to take care of him… and to love him.”
The way the words sound is nothing like the way Junsu usually talks. The voice is dull, thick with want and pain, and he is choking back tears because he is so damn afraid of what is happening. Junsu is not ready to acknowledge the feelings he harbors, and Changmin sees that, even if it is a little begrudgingly.
The youngest begins to realize that maybe the love that Yoochun held for the sweet boy with the unique laugh is not as unrequited as everyone had once thought.
And that hurts…
Yoochun’s condition never really improves.
He brushes it off with a common illness and that he will be fine before they know it. Changmin does not for a second believe him, what with the way his eyes never really shine anymore and how his appetite has somewhat declined. Changmin sometimes hears him at night, holed up in the bathroom across the hall, crying his eyes out and getting thinner and sicker by the day.
Jaejoong carries out his duty as their mother, as well as his job at being the closest one to Yoochun personally - a closeness that neither Junsu nor Changmin can compete with. He frets over the younger male, ignores the protests escaping pale pink lips, and finally sets an appointment with a doctor. Changmin silently thanks Jaejoong as he helps bundle the red-faced male up, wanting nothing more than for Yoochun to be healthy and happy again.
Junsu watches from afar, trying to blend in with the shadows, but Changmin can still see him from the corner of his eyes. He is absentmindedly playing with his cell phone, eyes never leaving the tightly wrapped up man in the doorway arguing with Jaejoong you’re not my mother to which Jaejoong does not relent, saying, well, I might as well be, she’d agree with me if she were here right now! The baritenor smiles softly, Changmin catches it, and knows that something must be done.
So, Changmin decides that if they are both going to be in love with the same man, they might as well be civil about things. He motions with his head to come forward, show himself because Junsu is doing a lousy job at hiding from them. Junsu steps forward reluctantly, as if he is a small child once more that is going to be scolded for lying or doing naughty things he knows he should not.
Yoochun finds his eyes traveling over to the new figure before him, his lips quirking slightly and he forgets all about his banter with Jaejoong. Changmin wishes he could make Yoochun forget everything with his very presence, but he knows this will take time, and he is not too sure if he has that - if Yoochun has that. And before anyone sees it coming (they should have) Junsu is in Yoochun’s arms and trying (and failing) to hold back his tears, and Yoochun is stiffening and then relaxing into the familiar warmth that engulfs him.
“Idiot, always getting yourself sick,” Junsu mumbles against his best friend’s neck, words muffled by the thick red jacket Jaejoong has placed over the bony projections that Yoochun likes to call shoulders. He needs to eat more.
Yoochun chuckles, hands fisted in the soft, cotton material of Junsu’s yellow t-shirt, and he himself is crying. “You know how I am. It’s just a cold, Junnie, I’ll be fine - I’m not dying.”
“You better not be,” Junsu whispers hoarsely, voice trembling and bottom lip quivering and he is thankful that the others cannot see his weakness. “I still have to kick your ass at that video game. I’ve been getting better.”
Junsu presses a feather light kiss to the junction between Yoochun’s jaw and ear, one that has Changmin wincing in heartache because such a simple act as that from Junsu is enough to have Yoochun smiling again. The baritone pulls away first, eyes alight like starlight, and he gives the sweet boy in his arms a shaky smile.
Then he turns to Changmin, flings himself into him without any warning, and it is enough to send even the youngest member into tears as well. Yoochun’s body breaks in his hold, and Changmin fears that if he puts any more pressure onto the bony body in his arms the man will break. It is scary and nerve-wracking, but it is worth it enough just to draw out a brilliant smile from the quivering male when Changmin murmurs I love you in the other’s ears.
“I…” he pauses, regarding his next few words carefully before saying, “to hell with that,” and he is pressing his lips desperately against Changmin’s. When he pulls away, the others are blushing and by the way Junsu eyes him he knows that he is blushing too.
“Bring him back in one piece!” Changmin says only seconds later when Jaejoong is shoving the sickly boy out the door. He waves his hand dismissively, muttering something about ungrateful children, and it has Yoochun laughing down the corridor, the melodious sound reverberating about the hallway and filling Changmin’s ears as well as his heart.
Changmin realizes then that he cannot possibly lock Yoochun in a cage away from world…
… because the world would be empty without him around.
Changmin is lazily watching cartoons on the couch when the two finally arrive at the apartment again. Junsu has his knees bent over the back of the piece of furniture, back into a cushion and legs dangling off the edge, and watching the television from his upside down point of view. There is a light knock, followed by some shuffling as Yunho makes his way to the door to let the other two members in. Changmin briefly wonders why they did not use their keys, but then again, Jaejoong had been in a rush so it was likely that he left them.
Junsu shifts in his place, ready to greet his best friend, tumbling from his spot on the couch and almost hits Changmin on the head with his sock clad foot. Changmin remains rooted in spot, watching the other four and their interactions. The dead look in Jaejoong’s eyes and the much-too quiet words that he whispers to Yunho who looks back at him with apt attention; Jae furrows his brows and pulls the man into the kitchen for more privacy. Junsu is happily smiling, asking millions of questions that Yoochun more than willingly entertains, fingers wrung together in his knitted scarf.
His eyes linger on Changmin’s prone form for the briefest of seconds, before he turns back to Junsu and states, “I think I’m going to call Mom and Yoohwan now. I haven’t been able to lately, and I bet Mom’s ready to call the police and put out an official search.”
“Tell them I said hi and that I love them,” Junsu says softly, his fingers playing with the piano-worn digits of his best friend.
Yoochun nods, a watery smile etched onto his handsome face, and he pulls away to do what he says he will. Changmin thinks about following, just to see if Yoochun is okay, but then second guesses himself. Yoochun is always emotional when it comes to his family, especially if he has not had an opportunity to contact or see them in some time.
But minutes soon escalate into hours and Changmin is beginning to feel anxious. Junsu is asleep on the couch, body scrunched into a tight ball, and the two that had excused themselves from the area are still in the kitchen and there is no sound from inside the brightly lit room. Only the sounds of late night talk shows and soft snoring is heard, and Changmin cannot help but to get up and make sure everything is fine with his boyfriend.
But what he finds instead is Yoochun staring blankly at the plastic phone in his hands, charms dangling and tinkling every time they touch. Changmin steps closer and Yoochun turns to him as if he expected the sudden intrusion by his lover.
It is often said that people are beautiful when they cry; Yoochun is no exception, Changmin begins to believe. Tears fill his eyes and fall down like rain in the blustery spring season. They are silent streaks that trek across his rose red cheeks, marring the boy’s wonderful face with their wet stains. Then in a matter of seconds that is equal to a heartbeat, his face crumples and the sobbing starts.
It should be unattractive, entirely unappealing when he looks this way, but Changmin thinks he is the most beautiful and purest person to ever step foot in to his life regardless.
“It hurts,” he whimpers, face buried in the crook of the younger’s neck, fingers grasping tightly at the other’s loose shirt. “It hurts so much…”
“Shh, baby, I know. I know.” Changmin has never been one for pet names, that was usually attributed to the greasy lines of the baritone, but he feels that this is the right moment to call Yoochun such things. Because he wants nothing more than to kiss away his pain, coddle him like a baby, and shield him from all the nightmares and darkness in their world.
“I love you,” he croaks into the dim lighting of the room, and Changmin feels his heart stop.
It is the most wonderful thing that he has ever heard. More so than the music that they sing to, than the songs that Yoochun composes, and much more meaningful than anything else in the world.
Changmin’s eyes are bright with life and tears, and he cannot keep himself from kissing the still falling salty drops that slip out of those beautiful brown eyes he falls in love with over and over again. He runs his thumb over Yoochun’s bottom lip, eyes locked with one another, and cups the back of the other male’s head to bring him closer. It is the sweetest kiss Changmin has ever given to anyone, the nicest and warmest feeling to ever erupt in his body, and he feels himself burst - all the emotions he has harbored in his heart pumped out into his bloodstream and ready to unleash from his every pore.
He finally makes love to Yoochun atop the cream colored blankets on Yoochun’s bed. He kisses away every whimper, breathes in every short pleasured gasp, and he cannot help himself but to mumble I love you I love you over and over again as he sinks himself in deeper with every thrust.
Later, while bathing in the after glow, Yoochun whispers the words one more time, small and content grin on his face. He looks silly like this, Changmin muses, as he wipes damp black locks out of the other’s gorgeous face, but then again at least he has made Yoochun happy.
Yoochun holds the key to Changmin’s rapidly beating heart, and his gentle words are what finally unlocks all the pent up feelings.
He trace his name on Yoochun’s palm like he always has, but this time Yoochun reiterates the action, but instead writes I love you on the tanned flesh of Changmin’s palm.
In turn Changmin etches forever.
The day that the company announces the band’s retirement is the same day that Junsu and Yejin break up.
He comes in with bleary eyes, face distraught, and he simply heads straight to his room. He shuts his door lightly, turns on some faint background music, and that is where he spends the day. Yoochun watches him go, before escaping to the balcony for some time alone. Changmin nods to send his okay, but does not follow because Yoochun needs this moment for himself.
“Poor boy. I’ve never seen him so upset,” Jaejoong murmurs as he stands by the stove, cooking for the band for what could have very well been the last time. He wants to throw an extravagant feast, but he cannot bring himself to do that. He is not ready to say goodbye, and the others feel the same.
Yunho sighs, glasses perched on the edge of his nose as he looks through the last of their fan letters, sorting the mail into different piles for the members to read. “They seemed to have been going well, and Junsu has never shown so much interest in one person that wasn’t…” He stops himself because they all know who that one person is.
Yunho sends a wary glance to Changmin, who is for the most part calm. He has known for some time now about Junsu’s growing affections - they had probably been there from the beginning, but the boy was brought up into a world where homosexuality is a sin and that one who participates in such relations will be sent to hell. It is only natural for Junsu to be frightened by such a notion as being in love with another man - his best friend nonetheless.
But Changmin does not think that the baritenor is sad because of the break-up with Yejin. Junsu is depressed by the fact that their little family of almost ten years is being split apart. It is unfair for them all, but they are stars and cannot last forever. Even Yunho has to admit this for all his dismay.
They finally drag Junsu out of his bedroom long enough to share the meal Jaejoong has so meticulously prepared for them this final time. Tomorrow night they will be back at their own homes, enjoying a normal life without any more worries about schedules and concerts. But they have come to be fond of this lifestyle and they do not want it to end - it is their life, their love, their world. This apartment is their home and now it is being taken away from them.
“You know,” Junsu chokes out, breaking the painful silence that shrouds them, eyes bloodshot and tearful, “I deluded myself into thinking that this was going to last forever.”
“We all did,” Jaejoong supplies weakly, eyes on his still full plate of delicious foods that the members have come to call their favorites.
Yoochun shoves his plate away, eyes fiery and wild and scared and sad. “This is unfair.”
“Life’s not fair,” Yunho wills himself to say but there is something in those endless brown depths that is agreeing with the band’s (former) baritone.
Yoochun moodily pulls himself away from the table; the chair he sits in comes crashing down to the floor causing Jaejoong to wince from where he is located. Junsu is the first to follow after his best friend, and Changmin feels a sudden spark of jealousy flutter through his chest before he joins them.
Moments later they are all tangled up with one another on Junsu’s bed, crying their eyes out but no one is as emotional as Yoochun is, face buried atop Junsu’s dark colored hairs. Changmin cradles him in his arms, fingers laced with Junsu’s tinier ones, and he places light kisses along the milk white skin of Yoochun’s neck. Jaejoong’s hands are gripping Yoochun’s wrists, eyes leaking tears that soak Junsu’s back, and he feels Yunho wrapped around him and that keeps him feeling secure.
But tomorrow morning this world they live in will be gone and they will have to give up the trust and security they have found within one another.
“Can we… just stay like this…” Junsu voices brokenly and even without the light they know he is crying by the way his voice catches with every other word.
Yoochun moves against the two loves of his life, burrowing himself closer to the body heat that Junsu supplies, and his body is shaking more. Changmin finally lets his own tears fall down, the held back sadness tumbling down like waves - like stars plummeting from the sky, and that is all that the band is anymore. Burnt-out stars freefalling from heaven.
“Is it wrong of me to have wanted this to last forever?” Yunho queries and it is so unlike his usual bossy and assertive tone. He is just like they are, piled on the bed and letting his heart bleed and mix with the tears they shed. “I honestly could have seen us doing this for eighty more years.”
Jaejoong laughs but the sound is awkward from the way his voice hitches with a sob. “Yeah, the fans would love to see us wrinkly dancing around on stage and talking about sex.”
“I think I’d make a pretty sexy old man,” Yunho states and Changmin scoffs. “What? It’s true!”
“How about the animal costumes?” Junsu asks with his baby-like voice. He smiles against Yoochun’s clavicle and murmurs, “Singing about being younger and dreams of balloons…”
“I’m going to miss this,” Changmin says at last, arms tightening around his boyfriend who has yet to speak. He lets his heavy lids fall shut, breathing in the scent of the four other people he has grown to love, and wishes for a forever with them.
Sometimes sunrise comes to soon, and Changmin does not wish to look forward to a newer, brighter day… especially if it means living without Yoochun…
The farewell banquet for the band is a large affair. The whole company is present to wish the members all the best in future endeavors and to congratulate them for a great ten years. Changmin watches dully as the new trainees drool over their idols. He cannot believe that is was so long ago he was one of them. It feels like only a day has passed since he first saw Yoochun. He cannot believe their life as a family is coming to an end now. They need more time - this hurts too much.
Paparazzi swarms the building, looking for the next big scandal to occur, and Changmin rolls his eyes. It does not matter what they say about the band anymore so why do they still try so hard? They must be feeling a bit down as well. Their whole career was spent trying to unravel all the secrets of the group, and now that they are no longer… Changmin thinks it must be hard for them to cope with this loss.
Changmin watches from afar as Yunho twirls Junsu across the dance floor and into Yoochun’s arms. They are laughing normally, just like they always have, and Changmin thinks that the sight is rather comical considering the nice suits they are wearing. Jaejoong sits beside him at their table, a glass of white wine in one hand and the other playing with the name cards situated on the ruby red table cloth.
“I feel like I’m at a funeral,” he mutters softly in the way that only Jaejoong is capable of doing. “I can’t believe we’re so old!”
“Speak for yourself,” Changmin retorts with a smug grin, twirling his own glass of wine and watching the liquid slosh over the edge. “Yunho is going to have to work very hard, I guess… Twenty-five kids…”
Jaejoong chuckles. “I don’t know. He more than likely won’t be satisfied with that many… He’ll probably compete with that American actress; see who can adopt the most children.”
Changmin shakes his head, grin stretched across his light colored lips. He rakes a hand through his stiff hair, brown eyes landing on Yoochun dancing with Junsu, mirth and love reflecting in both their eyes.
Jaejoong tugs on the string of a red balloon tied to his chair, humming “Balloons” under his breath. Yunho joins them at their table, feeling a lot better than he had the night before but the bags under his eyes are still visible even with the make-up applied to his tanned skin. The fair-skinned singer finally manages to loosen the knot of the balloon from his chair, making quick work of tying it to Yunho’s wrist with an impish twinkle in his eyes. He laces their hands together in a friendly way, but the action says I want to be with you just in case you fly away.
“Do you think we’ll be happy… now that this is over?” Yunho inquires, gripping onto his older friend’s hand. His words are hesitant, unsure, and there is a touch of nervousness embedded deep within him. Nothing like the U-know Yunho that fearlessly led them into concerts for almost ten years.
Changmin shrugs from his seat, big brown orbs never shifting from the happy and twirling best friends on the dance floor. “We’ll be happy enough… just as long as we remember all that we shared. There are ways of keeping in touch, you know.”
Yunho is not too sure if that is a joke on his once-upon-a-time stage name or not, but he laughs anyway because it feels right to do so. “Where do we go from here?”
Jaejoong strengthens his hold on his best friend’s hand, and Changmin finally notes something he had never seen before within Jaejoong’s bright and honest eyes. There is a smile forming on his lips as he finally says, “Wherever we want to.”
Junsu arrives first, face flushed from the dancing and maybe something else, and he grins toothily in the way that he used to before the whole mess began. Yoochun sidles up alongside his boyfriend, creamy white hands placed on the youngest’s shoulders. Changmin tilts his head back, gaining a light peck to his lips and a giggle from Jaejoong.
“Wait, how come we don’t receive kisses?”
“I have a nicer ass - ”
Yunho furrows his brows. “I think Junsu has the nicest ass of us all. He does make up for the lack of Yoochun’s.”
There are two indignant cries before Junsu starts ranting about how they always joke about his rather voluptuous backside, gaining laughs from the former baritone who is looking much better than he has in days. He helps Changmin out of his chair and while Yunho bickers with the offended baritenor, they step onto the dance floor just as one of their love songs blares through the speakers.
“How appropriate,” Yoochun murmurs, eyes never leaving Changmin’s face, as if seeing him for the very first time. But Changmin can only think bitterly - this could be the last time they are wrapped up in one another so intimately. “You look handsome tonight.”
Changmin takes Yoochun’s calloused hand and twirls him once before pulling him back into orbit; Yoochun is his satellite and Changmin would hate for him to be pulled into someone else’s gravity. “So does Junsu.”
“I never noticed,” Yoochun bites back with a dazzling smile spread across his entirely too kissable lips. He sighs and lets his body rest in Changmin’s toned arms. “This has gone by too fast…”
“I know. I can’t believe it’s ending.”
Changmin feels Yoochun rest his chin in his shoulder, fingers knotting behind his back, and hears him say, “No, Min. It’s not the end. We have our whole lives ahead of us. This is just the start.”
They stop talking just long enough to let their eyes drift upwards to the glass dome overhead, an arrangement of red and white balloons being released into the night sky. Yoochun keeps his arms in place, eyes glossy and reflecting the stars that twinkle in the twilight. Changmin opens his mouth to say something romantic you’re beautiful tonight or anything that could quite possibly convey his feelings enough I’d catch a falling star in turn for your heart, but it would never be enough.
He finds nothing to say when those soulful brown eyes land upon him.
He has never had a way with words, having done poorly in poetry classes for much of his high school years, but he wishes now more than anything to have that talent. But then again, Yoochun does not really care - and maybe he knows that Changmin is struggling for words, farewells, song lyrics. The smile that lights up Changmin’s face like the fireworks display outside is enough for Yoochun to be content.
The song crescendos and he twirls Yoochun out and back into his arms once more, question burning on his tongue. “Where does this leave us?”
And Yoochun only smiles, eyes full of laughter, and whispers delicately as the music finally fades,
“Wherever you want us to be…”
+
That's it - my first Changmin/Yoochun ♥. I hope that everyone enjoyed it and comments are loved! Let me know if you ever want me to write this pairing again ;)