Happy Easter!
Eleanor and I were going to go to church, but Eleanor seemed fussy, so I decided to keep her home and listen to the service on the radio.
We were going to go to the zoo with Tim, Carrie, and Katherine, but Eleanor started screaming, so we took a rain check.
So, I guess it's not really been a "Happy" Easter for us so far.
I don't know what's wrong or if I am just a woman of no patience and big fears (which we all know is true). I just hate that my poor kidling has had one problem after another. I just wish someone would come along and tell me she's fine, she's normal and that I'm just worrying too much. But I don't know that I would believe them. It seems like everyone else's kids are doing things faster and sooner because they are not riddled with gastrointestinal problems and ear infections and whatever else might be bothering Eleanor. I know she would be happier and more enthusiastic about the world around her if she wasn't in pain or uncomfortable most of her life.
I'm not trying to be a complainer. But I feel like everyone else takes their kids everywhere with them... by the time they're 4 months, they're at the zoo, they're at church, they're at the grocery store, they're at the mall, they're having dinner with friends... and Eleanor and I just stay at home because she's never feeling good and i don't have the heart to take her out in public and be "that mom" with the crying baby. It makes me feel selfish.
Nothing gets done around the house because she wants to be held all the time. I don't have a social life, I'm not losing my baby weight, and the only time I feel like me is when I'm at work. But at work, I feel guilty that I'm relieved that I'm not at home with my poor little uncomfortable kidling.
And I hate that Kevin's job schedule makes him inaccessable. He can't be home at a set time because of paperwork, he has to sleep more because it's a high-stress job, his weekends are not necessarily my weekends, so I never see him. He tries to help with Eleanor or make dinner, or whatever, but it's never enough for me, and that makes me feel like I'm going to snap at him because I feel like a failure at being a mom, a wife, a responsible-homeowner, a friend... But I hate being a police officer's wife if that means an absentee husband who is turning into a conservative and needs his "de-stress time". When do I get to destress? While the baby sleeps. If I'm not asleep during that time, or if I'm not doing laundry or dishes. And when does that leave time to work out?
My parents are working on moving down here and that's Kevin's "fix all" for any complaint i have about how complicated life is right now and how I feel lonely and overwhelmed. But they're not here yet, and God only knows when they will be here. It's all based on how much money the Education department offers Dad, etc. They could be here in June or they could be here in January. Besides, even when they are here, they're going to have their own lives, and they're only going to be here for parts of the year.
Hey, I understand that this is a time of major adjustments in my life and I realize that I am not a person that deals well with change, but I can't help but think that none of this is anything like I imagined it would be and that it's not what i signed up for. That's stupid, I know.
The only thing I can think to do is make schedules and make lists because that's how I cope with change, and that's how I handle my world. But, everyone knows that babies make their own schedules. Everyone knows that police officers' lives and work days and interactions change. So the only time I would have to do dishes, laundry, work out, do a devotional or meditate is when I should be asleep... and sleep is the only thing that's keeping me sane right now.
Wow... this started out as a Happy Easter post and really it's just spiraled into a b***h-fest, huh? Well, I guess I just needed to get that all out there and out of my system. I mean, it's not OUT of my system. All those thoughts still exist, but at least I feel better declaring them to someone. Even if it's just the wide world of the internet...
Peace.
~DJ~
We were going to go to the zoo with Tim, Carrie, and Katherine, but Eleanor started screaming, so we took a rain check.
So, I guess it's not really been a "Happy" Easter for us so far.
I don't know what's wrong or if I am just a woman of no patience and big fears (which we all know is true). I just hate that my poor kidling has had one problem after another. I just wish someone would come along and tell me she's fine, she's normal and that I'm just worrying too much. But I don't know that I would believe them. It seems like everyone else's kids are doing things faster and sooner because they are not riddled with gastrointestinal problems and ear infections and whatever else might be bothering Eleanor. I know she would be happier and more enthusiastic about the world around her if she wasn't in pain or uncomfortable most of her life.
I'm not trying to be a complainer. But I feel like everyone else takes their kids everywhere with them... by the time they're 4 months, they're at the zoo, they're at church, they're at the grocery store, they're at the mall, they're having dinner with friends... and Eleanor and I just stay at home because she's never feeling good and i don't have the heart to take her out in public and be "that mom" with the crying baby. It makes me feel selfish.
Nothing gets done around the house because she wants to be held all the time. I don't have a social life, I'm not losing my baby weight, and the only time I feel like me is when I'm at work. But at work, I feel guilty that I'm relieved that I'm not at home with my poor little uncomfortable kidling.
And I hate that Kevin's job schedule makes him inaccessable. He can't be home at a set time because of paperwork, he has to sleep more because it's a high-stress job, his weekends are not necessarily my weekends, so I never see him. He tries to help with Eleanor or make dinner, or whatever, but it's never enough for me, and that makes me feel like I'm going to snap at him because I feel like a failure at being a mom, a wife, a responsible-homeowner, a friend... But I hate being a police officer's wife if that means an absentee husband who is turning into a conservative and needs his "de-stress time". When do I get to destress? While the baby sleeps. If I'm not asleep during that time, or if I'm not doing laundry or dishes. And when does that leave time to work out?
My parents are working on moving down here and that's Kevin's "fix all" for any complaint i have about how complicated life is right now and how I feel lonely and overwhelmed. But they're not here yet, and God only knows when they will be here. It's all based on how much money the Education department offers Dad, etc. They could be here in June or they could be here in January. Besides, even when they are here, they're going to have their own lives, and they're only going to be here for parts of the year.
Hey, I understand that this is a time of major adjustments in my life and I realize that I am not a person that deals well with change, but I can't help but think that none of this is anything like I imagined it would be and that it's not what i signed up for. That's stupid, I know.
The only thing I can think to do is make schedules and make lists because that's how I cope with change, and that's how I handle my world. But, everyone knows that babies make their own schedules. Everyone knows that police officers' lives and work days and interactions change. So the only time I would have to do dishes, laundry, work out, do a devotional or meditate is when I should be asleep... and sleep is the only thing that's keeping me sane right now.
Wow... this started out as a Happy Easter post and really it's just spiraled into a b***h-fest, huh? Well, I guess I just needed to get that all out there and out of my system. I mean, it's not OUT of my system. All those thoughts still exist, but at least I feel better declaring them to someone. Even if it's just the wide world of the internet...
Peace.
~DJ~