i spent a very long time on this, too (OH GOD)
Happy 5th LJ-iversary to me! Also, this is post #2625. Five years and 2,625 posts. Wow. I need a new hobby.
And now, to celebrate this momentous occasion, here is perhaps the creepiest thing I have ever produced.
TITLE: Pim-p My Love
AUTHOR: daygloparker
FANDOM: The Office
PAIRING/CHARACTERS: Jim, Pam, Michael, Ryan, Dwight; Jim/Pam(-ish)
SPOILERS: "Benihana Christmas," but this doesn't exactly exist in a timeline, so. Um.
RATING: G
SUMMARY: Michael Scott discovers multimedia.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I blame, uh, toastandtea.
*
Ryan was sitting in the kitchen, alone, wearing an expression of distinct horror. Michael had had him defragging and reorganizing his computer for him all morning, so no one thought that Ryan's behavior was particularly out of the ordinary.
At 12:00 on the dot, Jim decided that he was starving, and went into the kitchen for the lunch he had brought. He acknowledged Ryan with a, "Tough morning?" and opened the refrigerator.
Ryan didn't respond. Jim shrugged, retrieved his sandwich, and was halfway out the door when Ryan stopped him.
From his suit jacket, Ryan pulled out a folded-up piece of paper and handed it to Jim. "I found this on Michael's computer. You need to see it."
Because it was normal for Ryan to look terrified at the prospect of anything involving Michael Scott, and because that normal Ryan disposition usually spelled at least one hour of work-avoiding amusement, Jim took it eagerly. Unfortunately, he stopped smiling the second he unfolded it.
Instead, with Ryan in tow, Jim made a beeline for Michael's office, forgetting all about his sandwich.
Jim knocked on the door frame to Michael's office. "Do you have a sec?"
When Michael saw the camera crew behind them, he immediately perked up. "'Subordinate is inquiring about the limit of your attention span, cancel or allow?'" Jim didn't laugh. Michael cleared his throat and just smiled for the camera. "Yes, Jim? What is it that I can do for you today?"
Jim glanced warily at the cameraman that had followed, then handed Michael the folded piece of paper from his pocket.
Michael was talking as he unfolded it, "Why are we passing notes--." And when he realized what it was a print-out of, he started to stammer. "Look, I-- uh. Um. It's not-- it's not what you think. I was-- It's not--." He stopped. "Hmm."
No one said anything else. The cameraman was making a rustling noise as he panned back and forth over Michael's desk.
"Okay," Michael started. "Let's talk about this--"
"Yes, let's," Jim insisted.
"--like the mature gentlemen that we are, and not, you know, get into the many issues of privacy that have been breached, Ryan, in order to obtain this-- this-- document."
Ryan shook his head at the camera, still looking horrified.
Jim replied, "It's not a document--"
"Well--"
"--It's creepy," Jim finished.
Michael made a face that said, well, that's a matter of interpretation, Jim Halpert, and Jim knew that in some editing room, some editor was going to pounce on the pause and insert Michael's conference room interview on the subject. (Oh... God, Jim realized; all of America was going to know about this.)
[Michael was already on a role before the day's director even had time to shut the conference room's door and position the camera correctly. "These people are like a family to me! What's wrong with celebrating family? God. What if-- what if Pam had turned to the bottle after she split from Roy, and years later she was in the hospital because Dr. Shepherd told her that was going to need a liver transplant, and it turned out that the only person in the world that matched was one Michael Scott? Hmm? 'No, Michael, I'm sorry, I can't take your liver. Why? Because it's creepy'? God, people. Family."]
Jim was looking warily at the camera again. He dropped his tone. "You promised, Michael."
"Of course I did! It was just practice!"
"...'practice'?"
"For--." Michael was suddenly a touch embarrassed. "For Christmas. I never... you weren't supposed to see it." The admission, albeit disturbing, was almost endearing, until Michael added, "Yet."
"Unbelievable," he replied. "Wow."
Jim took the incriminating paper from Michael's hands and walked out of his office, mumbling something the cameras couldn't pick up. That left just Ryan and Michael alone with the cameraman, and without Jim, he took to panning between them. Michael moved some things around on his desk and cleared his throat several times.
Finally, he spoke, gravely, "I don't know how I can ever trust you again. Please go back to your desk."
The door to Michael's office was still open from Jim's exit, so Dwight heard everything.
When the crew called him into the conference room, Jim considered not admitting to anything. But then his brain started mulling through the possibilities of silence, the way the gossip would multiple and distort the truth, and by the time they asked him the first question, he had decided to pre-empt the speculation that Michael had downloaded pornography with a simple demonstration.
He held the sheet of paper up to the camera. "Can you see this?" He saw the cameraman adjusting the focus of his lens.
And then he stood up and walked out of the conference room.
Afterwards, what surprised Jim the most was how un-awkward everything turned out to be. Not that it wasn't any less creepy than before, but when he showed it to Pam she almost fell off her chair from laughter rather than, say, vomiting into a trash can.
Over lunch, Pam decreed that they would present Michael with a formal critique, like the ones she gave in her art classes.
"Why do my arms have jaundice?" Pam asked, pointing to her two-toned skin.
"I can't believe you even noticed, after being assaulted by the brightly colored text and the presence of Savage Garden."
She shook her head with a smile. "You know the saddest part about this, though?"
"You can really pick just one?"
Pam made a face. "Its just that, he was probably really proud of the transition he made from 'My Humps' to 'The Thong Song.'"
[Off-camera, the director asked her how she felt about Michael making a soundtrack for her and Jim. "I'm trying to laugh about it, really, because otherwise I might have to seriously contemplate not working here anymore. Which would probably suck a lot."]
Dwight walked into the kitchen and over to their table. He glanced at the picture over Jim's shoulder.
"'Pim-p'?" he concluded.
Jim replied, "I believe that's our celebrity name that's then been twisted into a clever pun."
[Michael repeated Pim about ten times, in a different voice each time. "That actually took me awhile. Like an hour. I thought about 'Jam,' actually. Figured it was the safe choice, would please the feminists in the audience since it was based on the woman's name. But then I thought, 'I hate jam. It feels disgusting when it's in your mouth. I hate peanut and jelly.' I do not like it, Sam I Am! And I don't hate Jim and Pam, and I certainly wouldn't want to eat them, so."]
"Lame," Dwight declared, smiling ruefully at the camera.
And now, to celebrate this momentous occasion, here is perhaps the creepiest thing I have ever produced.
TITLE: Pim-p My Love
AUTHOR: daygloparker
FANDOM: The Office
PAIRING/CHARACTERS: Jim, Pam, Michael, Ryan, Dwight; Jim/Pam(-ish)
SPOILERS: "Benihana Christmas," but this doesn't exactly exist in a timeline, so. Um.
RATING: G
SUMMARY: Michael Scott discovers multimedia.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I blame, uh, toastandtea.
*
Ryan was sitting in the kitchen, alone, wearing an expression of distinct horror. Michael had had him defragging and reorganizing his computer for him all morning, so no one thought that Ryan's behavior was particularly out of the ordinary.
At 12:00 on the dot, Jim decided that he was starving, and went into the kitchen for the lunch he had brought. He acknowledged Ryan with a, "Tough morning?" and opened the refrigerator.
Ryan didn't respond. Jim shrugged, retrieved his sandwich, and was halfway out the door when Ryan stopped him.
From his suit jacket, Ryan pulled out a folded-up piece of paper and handed it to Jim. "I found this on Michael's computer. You need to see it."
Because it was normal for Ryan to look terrified at the prospect of anything involving Michael Scott, and because that normal Ryan disposition usually spelled at least one hour of work-avoiding amusement, Jim took it eagerly. Unfortunately, he stopped smiling the second he unfolded it.
Instead, with Ryan in tow, Jim made a beeline for Michael's office, forgetting all about his sandwich.
Jim knocked on the door frame to Michael's office. "Do you have a sec?"
When Michael saw the camera crew behind them, he immediately perked up. "'Subordinate is inquiring about the limit of your attention span, cancel or allow?'" Jim didn't laugh. Michael cleared his throat and just smiled for the camera. "Yes, Jim? What is it that I can do for you today?"
Jim glanced warily at the cameraman that had followed, then handed Michael the folded piece of paper from his pocket.
Michael was talking as he unfolded it, "Why are we passing notes--." And when he realized what it was a print-out of, he started to stammer. "Look, I-- uh. Um. It's not-- it's not what you think. I was-- It's not--." He stopped. "Hmm."
No one said anything else. The cameraman was making a rustling noise as he panned back and forth over Michael's desk.
"Okay," Michael started. "Let's talk about this--"
"Yes, let's," Jim insisted.
"--like the mature gentlemen that we are, and not, you know, get into the many issues of privacy that have been breached, Ryan, in order to obtain this-- this-- document."
Ryan shook his head at the camera, still looking horrified.
Jim replied, "It's not a document--"
"Well--"
"--It's creepy," Jim finished.
Michael made a face that said, well, that's a matter of interpretation, Jim Halpert, and Jim knew that in some editing room, some editor was going to pounce on the pause and insert Michael's conference room interview on the subject. (Oh... God, Jim realized; all of America was going to know about this.)
[Michael was already on a role before the day's director even had time to shut the conference room's door and position the camera correctly. "These people are like a family to me! What's wrong with celebrating family? God. What if-- what if Pam had turned to the bottle after she split from Roy, and years later she was in the hospital because Dr. Shepherd told her that was going to need a liver transplant, and it turned out that the only person in the world that matched was one Michael Scott? Hmm? 'No, Michael, I'm sorry, I can't take your liver. Why? Because it's creepy'? God, people. Family."]
Jim was looking warily at the camera again. He dropped his tone. "You promised, Michael."
"Of course I did! It was just practice!"
"...'practice'?"
"For--." Michael was suddenly a touch embarrassed. "For Christmas. I never... you weren't supposed to see it." The admission, albeit disturbing, was almost endearing, until Michael added, "Yet."
"Unbelievable," he replied. "Wow."
Jim took the incriminating paper from Michael's hands and walked out of his office, mumbling something the cameras couldn't pick up. That left just Ryan and Michael alone with the cameraman, and without Jim, he took to panning between them. Michael moved some things around on his desk and cleared his throat several times.
Finally, he spoke, gravely, "I don't know how I can ever trust you again. Please go back to your desk."
The door to Michael's office was still open from Jim's exit, so Dwight heard everything.
When the crew called him into the conference room, Jim considered not admitting to anything. But then his brain started mulling through the possibilities of silence, the way the gossip would multiple and distort the truth, and by the time they asked him the first question, he had decided to pre-empt the speculation that Michael had downloaded pornography with a simple demonstration.
He held the sheet of paper up to the camera. "Can you see this?" He saw the cameraman adjusting the focus of his lens.
And then he stood up and walked out of the conference room.
Afterwards, what surprised Jim the most was how un-awkward everything turned out to be. Not that it wasn't any less creepy than before, but when he showed it to Pam she almost fell off her chair from laughter rather than, say, vomiting into a trash can.
Over lunch, Pam decreed that they would present Michael with a formal critique, like the ones she gave in her art classes.
"Why do my arms have jaundice?" Pam asked, pointing to her two-toned skin.
"I can't believe you even noticed, after being assaulted by the brightly colored text and the presence of Savage Garden."
She shook her head with a smile. "You know the saddest part about this, though?"
"You can really pick just one?"
Pam made a face. "Its just that, he was probably really proud of the transition he made from 'My Humps' to 'The Thong Song.'"
[Off-camera, the director asked her how she felt about Michael making a soundtrack for her and Jim. "I'm trying to laugh about it, really, because otherwise I might have to seriously contemplate not working here anymore. Which would probably suck a lot."]
Dwight walked into the kitchen and over to their table. He glanced at the picture over Jim's shoulder.
"'Pim-p'?" he concluded.
Jim replied, "I believe that's our celebrity name that's then been twisted into a clever pun."
[Michael repeated Pim about ten times, in a different voice each time. "That actually took me awhile. Like an hour. I thought about 'Jam,' actually. Figured it was the safe choice, would please the feminists in the audience since it was based on the woman's name. But then I thought, 'I hate jam. It feels disgusting when it's in your mouth. I hate peanut and jelly.' I do not like it, Sam I Am! And I don't hate Jim and Pam, and I certainly wouldn't want to eat them, so."]
"Lame," Dwight declared, smiling ruefully at the camera.