a long and pointless entry
ok so i never even use my livejournal. like, at all. thank you myspace for corrupting my life. but honestly, i felt like writing something tonight and didn't want to make it a blog. im not sure if i really want this to be open for anyone to read. i mean im not even sure what im going to write, but i just wrote a blog like 2 days ago, i don't feel like writing another one. life was good for a while. it was even great at some points which was weird because i was still having a hard time getting over andy. i had to see him with another girl everyday in the halls and shockingly enough, it didnt' take me that long not to care. eventually i was just ike whatever. im not gonna let this get to me. and i actually didnt. i was happy with my friends and school and everything. everything was fine. and everything still is fine. but now we're talking again. we're "together" i guess - not officially but same difference that's how it feels. and im so happy with him. but i dont want people to think that just because im happy with him means that i cant be happy without him. because i was happy without him. sure i got jealous occasionally, and randomly id think of him or daydream about the past or wish we were still together or wonder what would have happened if we were. but thats normal. you dont just get over someone because youre not with them anymore. i know he was over me before he even broke up with me, but this time he seems geniune. i mean why would he break up with her to be with me if he didnt really want to be with me? he could sitll be with her if he wanted. its not like he'd be alone or anything. he seemed happy with her though. thats what i dont understand. and he said he wasnt. i dunno.
this is what i get for having an entire weekend off of work and being really good at procrastinating O:-). ive done pretty much NOTHING all day. woke up, showered, ate, went on the computer for like ever, got ready, practiced parallel parking, visited andy at work, bought skittles for michelle, ate dinner, and now im here doing this and watching tv. ive got nothing to keep me occupied till 10:00 when i have to pick up stupid lucas from work adn take us to michelles party. hopefully laurens hockey practice ends soon so she can get her sexy little ass over here so im not bored out of my mind anymore lol. it was nice to visit andy at work today. i only saw him for like 5 minutes but we dont get to see eachother besides in school and since its the weekend that means no seeing each other :( and this weekend was a long one too because we had no school friday so yeah it was cool. kinda sucks that his grandma hates me. im done obesessing over it though. i used to care a lot. it even made me cry once. it just gets to me, i dont like when people dont like me. especially when they have no reason not to. but whatever, im over it now. if she wants to be a bitch then so be it, she can do whatever she wants, its none of my business if she has no effing heart. i feel so bad for andy. i would probably kill myself if i had to live with her. i feel so bad saying really mena things about her, but i cant help it. at first i yelled at him when he talked bad about her, but now, i dont even care, because hes right. theres no use saying "thats mean dont say that" or "no shes not" or whatever, because shes a bitch and shes cold hearted and she hates me so why should i stick up for her. i may sound like a bitch for saying that, but im not. im not unfriendly im not mean im not a bitch im not a whore im not stupid im not anything that would make her hate me. all i want to know is why. i dont care so much that she hates me, i just hate that she wont give me a reason. i wish i could adopt andy. i really do. itd be so sweet. i wouldnt care if we couldnt sleep in the same room cuz duh thatd be messed up. but i would get to see him, even tho hed probbaly get sick of me lol. life would be so much easier. i put Fefe Dobson "take me away" on my myspace because i heard it in daneilles car the other day and idk ir emember how much i usd to like that song so i was like ahh i gotta put this on my myspace. and afer hearing it a few times, the lyrics just hit me. theyre perfect for me and andy. i mean i would love to just get away .. go somewhere with him.
people tlak about forever. i cant even think about forever. i dont even know what im going to do next week let alone 10 years from now. i cant say that i plan on being with him forever, cuz forever is a long time. but i also don't want to be without him. i know college is gonna be so hard. but hes not going to arizona anymore so that makes things easier since he may be going to fredonia which is where im thinking of going too. i just wish i couold fastforward to august 2006 because even tho its gonna be one of the most saddest times for me because everyone will be leaving, it would be perfect for me and andy. going off to college to live in dorms. not having to ask my parents to go out. him not having to have permission form his grandma to see me. it would be so much easier and so perfect. i just keep worrying that we're not gonna last that long to get to that point. i mean we're not even officially going out yet, so maybe hes having doubts. maybe he doesnt want to be with me fully. maybe just me isnt enough for him. i hope thats not the case. because he has my heart. all of it. and it he lets me go, ive got nothing left. ok that came out wrong. of course i have the most amazing friends in the world. and i love them to death. and without them i couldnt survive. i would probably kill myself rather than live without my best friends they mean the world to me. but once you give someone your heart, theres no turning back. and hes had my heart. i guess thats why i feel so empty without him. i know i seem in over my head right now, but i don't care. i wouldnt say things if they werent true. rick yelled at me for saying i loved andy. but i would never say something like that if i didnt mean it. i mean sure there are times when i hate him and yea theres times when im like wow hes an asshole. but my mind always comes back to him. no matter what. yeah hes got bad habits and he knows i hate them, but im not his mother i cant tell him what to do. those things dont matter to me. as long as he doesnt cheat on me, doesnt lie to me, and loves me for who i am, i dont care what else he does. and so far, so good.
alright so now its 8:24 and im definitely still not occupied. ive got an hour and a half of absolutely nothing to do. im watching who wants to be a millionaire but id rather watch the weakest link cuz i can never answer these questions lol. i wish andy could call me but we're not even allowed to do that. im gonna be fricken broke from this relationship cuz all we can do is text and hello, that costs money. its worth it to me though, so i don't care. i painted my nails today. random, but so am i. they were black and chipped and nasty from hoimecoming because i was too lazy to do them after. i HATE painting my nails. with a passion. i suck at it. i dont know why but i just cant do it. they actually look good today tho. pompei purple (even tho its pink) // my FAV0RITE color and OPI // my favorite brand. i actually did a good job. put little flowers on them and everything. andy was very proud of me since hes been making fun of me all week because they were so ugly looking.
i already wrote a blog about senior dinner on myspace but ill talk aboutit again. it was so sad like idk it just hit me that im a senior. and everyone in the same room together made me realize, these are the people im graduating with in june. we definitely have an awesome class. the award winners are half ironic but i LOVE it. mashed potatoes = orgasmic. everyone looked so pretty // handsome. it was a good time. took lots of interesting pictures. from random hands to roses. beautiful. i look like an idiot in most of them. but thats ok cuz im sweet like that. i won best personality female i was SO excited. i honestly really didnt see it coming AT ALL. i wish i coulda seen my face when i saw that i was nominated let alone that i WON! sara stanley beat me for best girl friend but thats ok because i beat her for best personality so we're even. lol greg got best hair woohoo! the s'more totally got robbed out of most creative and most creative group. theres no way the other groups deserved it, teachers just felt bad for them. i feel mean saying that, but i think its true. we deserved it so much more. i was so pruod of us, especially cuz it was MY idea and rarely do i come up with good ideas!
i wish lucas didnt have to work cuz then id be at michelles right now. my moms been giving me hell all day about taking him tonite, but shes not even the one driving. i just felt bad because i didnt work for him yesterday so he couldnt go to seans and if i didnt give him a ride tonite he'd end up home doing nothing 2 nights in a row. what a shitty weekend that would be. id be pissed if i were him, so i figured id give him a ride. i offered to pay my dad and i told luke to make him a chocolate milkshake. so idk, my moms just been annoying me lately. i mean she keeps trying to make me feel bad about wanting to dorm, but shes not exactly making me want to stay. i mean im gonna miss my family when i go, but i think dorming is part of the college experience. i wont have as many friends or do as much if i dont. and i dont want to live at home. i need the freedom. i mean yeah sometimes i say that my family is the reason im leaving, but really theyre not entirely. i jsut need to get out. i need a break. i need to get away. especially from my sister. im sry but i cant stand her anymore. she used to be bearable and we even got along sometimes, but now i cant even walk into a room without her flipping out. and shes the most shallow person i know. all seh talks about is how people look, what they wear, how they talk, how their hair is, how much makeup they wear, how fat they are, how ugly they are, blah blah. its so annoying. you say someones name and the efirst thing she says is "are they fat?" im liek wow get a fucking life. and she thinks sehs the shit. she calls me ugly and what not like it really hurts my feelings. i dont care if she thinks shes better than me. honestly, shes a bitch. ive got a far better personality than her and im way smarter than her and i dont even care if shes better looking than me cuz where is that gonna get her? oh she can be a prostitute ok? um no. it doesnt even bother me anymore whatever.
im sick of typing. and sick of being bored. i could be doing english homework but i really dont feel like it. im doing super bad in AP bio, but its SO hard. and im so stupid :-( blahh its gonna bring my gpa down so bad. i hope i dont get kicked out of honor society lol oopsie. blahblah ok im done have a good night not that anyone reads this ever anyways
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